A bear walks into a bar and says, "Give me a whiskey and ... cola."
"Why the big pause?" asks the bartender. The bear shrugged. "I'm not sure. I was born with them."
2020-04-24 23:01:42 +0000 UTC View Post
A stream I did to raise a little funds for the release of my "Space Jam Sucks" video. Now available to you Patrons as an unlisted YT vid. -TJ
2020-04-24 01:00:01 +0000 UTC View Post
This early access won't last long, but I figured you patron's should get first dibs! Enjoy! Please leave feedback if you watch the whole thing.
2020-04-23 22:31:25 +0000 UTC View Post
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer.
I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.
2020-04-20 20:50:12 +0000 UTC View Post
The time draws nigh for another edition of Abandon Hope. As usual, all of you lovely patrons will have the opportunity to give your input by submitting content below. Here are some general rules and guidelines.
1. Please include a brief description of what your link contains and why y...
2020-04-19 22:27:43 +0000 UTC View Post
Bart Simpson: "Didn't you wonder why you were getting checks for doing absolutely nothing?"
Grampa Simpson: "I figured because the democrats were in power again."
Audio attached.
2020-04-17 21:58:15 +0000 UTC View Post
People with a cold - "I just want to stay in bed and do nothing, I feel terrible"
People with COVID19 - "I feel terrible, I think I will go skiing in Austria, visit the Eiffel Tower and maybe do some white water rafting in Camino de Santiago"
Audio attached.
2020-04-17 20:48:18 +0000 UTC View Post
With a purposeful grimace and a terrible sound
He pulls the spitting high-tension wires down
Helpless people on subway trains
Scream, bug-eyed, as he looks in on them
He picks up a bus and he throws it back down
As he wades through the buildings toward the center of town
There are so many scams on the internet nowadays...
Sᴇɴᴅ ᴍᴇ ᴛʜʀᴇᴇ ᴇᴀsʏ ɪɴsᴛᴀʟʟᴍᴇɴᴛs ᴏғ $19.99, ᴀɴᴅ I'ʟʟ ᴛᴇʟʟ ʏᴏᴜ ʜᴏᴡ ᴛᴏ ᴀᴠᴏɪᴅ ᴀʟʟ ᴏғ ᴛʜᴇᴍ!2020-04-10 21:30:41 +0000 UTC View Post
My friend recently got crushed by a pile of books…
Bᴜᴛ ʜᴇ’s ᴏɴʟʏ ɢᴏᴛ ʜɪs sʜᴇʟғ ᴛᴏ ʙʟᴀᴍᴇ.2020-04-10 21:29:57 +0000 UTC View Post
A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident.
He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can’t feel my legs!”
The doctor replied, “I ᴋɴᴏᴡ ʏᴏᴜ ᴄᴀɴ’ᴛ, I’ᴠᴇ ᴄᴜᴛ ᴏғғ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴀʀᴍs!... 2020-04-09 00:27:20 +0000 UTC View Post
What do you call a patronizing criminal walking down the stairs?
A ᴄᴏɴᴅᴇsᴄᴇɴᴅɪɴɢ ᴄᴏɴ ᴅᴇsᴄᴇɴᴅɪɴɢ.
2020-04-06 22:44:11 +0000 UTC View Post
When a 'special' kid comes late into class
Is ɪᴛ ᴏᴋᴀʏ ᴛᴏ ᴄᴀʟʟ ᴛʜᴇᴍ ᴛᴀʀᴅʏ?
Thanks for waiting on us. Hope you enjoy this special episode of DEEP FAT FRIED!
By the way, &nb... 2020-04-04 06:02:58 +0000 UTC View Post
Tonight's episode, "History: Fact or Fiction" has been unfortunately delayed due to software issues (thanks Adobe!) the issue has been corrected but this has delayed the episode by a few hours. Rest assured, the episode will come out tonight and will be released as soon as possible.
<...
2020-04-04 00:37:12 +0000 UTC View Post
Got an inside joke for you.
What's red and bad for your teeth?
A ʙʀɪᴄᴋ.
Audio attached.
2020-04-04 00:32:36 +0000 UTC View Post
Paul has finally hit the 4-0. Go wish him a happy birthday!
Audio attached!
2020-04-02 00:05:02 +0000 UTC View Post
Is he autistic? Retarded? The world may never know.
Audio attached.
2020-03-30 23:56:49 +0000 UTC View Post
A man walks into a bar and it’s empty – it’s just him and the bartender. He sits down and orders a drink.
He hears someone whisper, “Psssᴛ…I ʟɪᴋᴇ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴛɪᴇ.” The man looks around but doesn’t see anyone.
“Psssᴛ…ᴛʜᴀᴛ ᴄᴏʟᴏʀ ʟᴏᴏᴋ...
2020-03-28 01:13:28 +0000 UTC View Post
I went to the zoo the other day. It was empty, except for a single dog...
Iᴛ ᴡᴀs ᴀ Sʜɪʜ Tᴢᴜ.
Audio attached.
2020-03-28 00:00:39 +0000 UTC View PostHey Pessimists, TJ here.
So, I’m trying to put together Abandon Hope for tonight, but I’m having trouble populating it with things to react to. I’ve gone through the previous suggestion thread and I honestly didn’t find even one thing that interested me there. So I’m making ...
2020-03-27 19:27:38 +0000 UTC View Post
Got a joke for you.
Tʜᴇ ғʀᴜsᴛʀᴀᴛᴇᴅ ᴄᴀɴɴɪʙᴀʟ ᴛʜʀᴇᴡ ᴜᴘ ʜɪs ᴀʀᴍs.
Audio attached.
2020-03-26 01:09:19 +0000 UTC View Post
Did you hear the rumor about butter?
Nᴇᴠᴇʀ ᴍɪɴᴅ, I sʜᴏᴜʟᴅɴ'ᴛ sᴘʀᴇᴀᴅ ɪᴛ.2020-03-24 00:53:35 +0000 UTC View Post
