thehardtimes

Washington DC Tourism Tip

WASHINGTON — The world-renowned Smithsonian Institute announced the giant rear-end props used by Sir Mix-a-Lot in the famous “Baby Got Back” music video came into their possession and will be on display for museumgoers to gaze at, confirmed multiple large butt enthusiasts.

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GWAR Costumes Ranked by How Hard They Would Make Selling Insurance

So you sold out and got yourself a little corporate job selling insurance. Congrats! However, in order to sell insurance and actually support yourself with it, you need charisma, people skills, and some level of intelligence, and a good work ethic. And you have none of those qualities. So what no...

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I’d never considered myself a hero until I was staring down the prison industrial complex and made the law relent, all it took was unwavering courage, and the best lawyers on the West Coast all hired by my rich father.

Let me paint the scene, it was a Saturday night and I was d...

Do you need a hoodie?

PALO ALTO, Calif. — A hot new startup company just launched a revolutionary weather app for aging punks that lets you know if it’s cold enough to put a hoodie on, previously freezing sources confirmed.

“It’s like Shazam but for the weather. Or something like that,” said...

Boomer Coverage

MORGANTOWN, W. Va. — Local dad and all-around asshole Bert Smilovic failed to understand criticism of his storytelling techniques which involve reducing all people to unhelpful demographics, his enraged children reported.

“My Gen-Z wannabe socialist kids are all mad that I li...

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Some guys play it nice, others play it cool. Some take their time with a girl, and others are downright old-fashioned. Me? I don’t waste any time on that dinner and movie shit. As soon as I meet a girl I just get in there, do my thing, and then completely set aside my needs and wants for decade...

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WRENTHAM, Mass. — Proud death metal fan parents Danica and Brandon Asheim were so excited about their five-year-old son’s first attempt at drawing a horrific image of a mutilated corpse that they hung it on their refrigerator, sources who cum blood confirmed.

“Our little Ce...

Neuralink Update

FREMONT, Calif — Neuralink owner Elon Musk announced Neuralink Premium which will allow anyone using his implantable brain–computer interfaces to maintain basic bodily functions for $8 a month.

“This is a big step forward for humanity. If things keep moving forward at this ...

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BRIGHTON, N.J. — Local medical marvel Rex Reynolds was reportedly born with a rare condition that made him a fan of rockabilly culture from birth, which was expected to pass after a period of time, several sources reported.

“It’s really the most curious case that I’ve ever seen in m...

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I’m usually a pretty laid-back guy and take things as they come, but it’s tough putting trust in my new Otolaryngologist. While I was doing my due diligence looking up their credentials online I discovered a treasure trove of strange unboxing videos from a YouTuber named “EarNoseThroatGoat....

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LOS ANGELES – 26-year-old punk Max Goldstein unfortunately sustained an injury in a mosh pit immediately after being kicked off his parents’ insurance plan, concerned sources confirmed.

“Yeah, it was nuts. My friends and I stopped by a house show the day after my birthday. I decided t...

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They say that home is where you make it, and when I found out that my favorite hometown watering hole was replaced with a Panera Bread, I decided to put the sentiment to the test. I had to pour one out for Splunky’s, but I really ended up pouring out like 14. Hell, most of the time my buddies a...

Los Angeles Taxes at Work

LOS ANGELES — The Los Angeles Police Department announced that in response to requests from the public they are now allocating $50,000 of their budget towards de-escalation training while maintaining the normal $1 Billion they use for their standard escalation training.

“I’m glad we w...

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KERFUFFLEVILLE — Bozo, a punk mouse living in the fictional children’s book town of Kerfuffleville, has reportedly taken up residence in a Marlboro Red carton, confirmed a whimsical assortment of anthropomorphic animals.

“I’ve been riding the rails and drifting from town to town. I ...

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As a TikTok influencer first and a father second, I can tell you with  absolute authority and no small amount of daddy rizz that raising a kid  in Los Angeles is no Sunday trip to Mendocino Farms.

That’s why when my beloved son Yugi-Oh “Vine” Norris turned 15 ½, I  nee...

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SAN BERNADINO, Calif. — Redditor Nick Charles is reportedly  “absolutely fuming” about how disrespectful it is for an artist to  insert herself into her work, especially after the decades of men who  did it first and are still actively celebrated, sources con...

Six Songs We're Listening To This Week To Avoid Whatever Ben Shapiro Just Released

It's almost February, which means the horrors of winter are nearly halfway over. While you’ve been floundering and lamenting the lack of sunlight in your day, a flurry of new sounds has been occurring just outside your black-out curtain-covered window. We don't blame you for missing it. Everyon...

2024 Election Coverage

WASHINGTON — President Joe Biden unveiled his new 2024 campaign slogan which promises voters he will die in office soon after being elected, DNC officials confirmed.

“Listen up Jack, I know people are saying I’m too old, that I look like a corpse that escaped the morgue, and that chil...

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It’s no surprise that my parents disapprove of my singer/songwriter boyfriend, but when my besties started calling his financial situation and all of his personality traits “red flags,” I had to defend our relationship. Like, I know he doesn’t make as much as their boyfriends with their s...

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HANSON, Mass. — Local man Ryan Cook reportedly spent his entire 40th birthday reassuring himself he’s not that old, despite calling himself geriatric 10 years prior on the same day, sources close to the man confirmed.

“I remember turning 30 and thinking, ‘Well this is it, I should p...

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NEW LONDON, Conn. — A local family is torn over whether to memorialize their late daughter with a podcast or a Netflix special that will document her abduction and brutal murder, confirmed sources slowly circling the story.

“These last few days have just been a whirlwind of emotions. Ho...

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I’m not what you’d think of when you think of a celebrity chef. I’m a white guy who grew up upper middle class, but wanted to “find himself” doing “real labor”. But after I realized how much that sucks, I had my dad make a few calls, and now I’m an accountant. But I do think I’v...

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BOSTON — Local man Scotty Donovan, the former vocalist of semi-popular Boston Hardcore band Winter Hill, is thriving at his new career as the cop who yells at anyone stopped by the curb at Logan Airport, stressed-out sources confirmed.

“After we played our farewell show, I thought I’d...

New Venue in Town

SAN DIEGO — Former music venue The Everybody Inn, which specialized in metal and finger-crust shows from 2001 until it was shuttered by the city in 2020 for thousands of code violations reopened last month without any changes, sources confirmed.

“It used to suck before it started fallin...

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I used to tell everyone I wanted a beach body, but then I realized it’s stupid to spend hours a day doing grueling exercises to match a stereotypical “ideal” body type. That’s why I’ll be spending hours a day doing grueling exercises to look how I really want to look—like one of those...

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KANSAS CITY, Mo. — Famed journalist and serviette Nardwuar was reportedly “upset and disturbed” after his most recent interview with pop star Taylor Swift unraveled into bland pleasantries about facts everybody already knew.

“I hit Taylor with everything I had, but each time I broug...

Discount code, small community update

Hello!

Because of your generosity and support today we were able to give a small bump in pay to the freelancers who generate a big chunk of the headlines on our sites. A common comment we get is "give this person a raise" when readers see a headline they like. Today you helped us do that. &...

Jon Stewart Returns

NEW YORK — Comedy Central announced that Jon Stewart is returning to host  “The Daily Show” on Mondays citing what he believes to be “A shameful failure (by major networks) to criticize the nepotism and warmonger puppeteering” of former president George W. Bush.

“You turn o...

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SAN FRANCISCO — A new campaign of directly targeted Hims ads on television and streaming platforms are calling out multiple bald or sexually inadequate men by name, confirmed sources wondering why they have been singled out.

“I was catching up on ‘The Bear’ and a very beige commerci...

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Someone told me you find my communication style “passive-aggressive” and “conflict-avoidant to the point that it creates a bigger problem than there was in the first place.” I’ve actually been sending crystal clear signals by avoiding eye contact and sighing with exasperation after ever...