PITTSBURGH – Philip Hansley, a self-proclaimed “scholar and devotee” of the progressive rock genre, expressed his outward frustration about having to wait for an unskippable 15-second commercial to finish playing before he could watch a video, several unshaven sources report.
“This ...
2024-01-25 13:00:08 +0000 UTC View Post
Alright, look, so the last month has been really difficult, okay. We got behind on some projects. We had couples therapy to miss. We had rehab to skip out on. Jury duty to dodge. It’s been a whole thing. And to top it off the only person we have on staff who has seen any of these movies got abs...
2024-01-24 20:22:04 +0000 UTC View Post
FAIRFAX, Va. — Local sixth-grader Kenny Jenkins suddenly took up vaping in hopes of charming his older brother’s sex robot, sources close to the modern-day love triangle reported.
“Vaping is my true passion,” Jenkins proclaimed before nearly dry heaving to death on a micro hit. “A...
2024-01-24 17:00:14 +0000 UTC View Post
This is the loneliest day of my life! I got a very heavy package delivered today. Don’t believe me? It had, not one, but two “Heavy” stickers stuck to the box. And I heroically carried it up to my apartment all by myself, and not a single person was around to see it and cheer me on.
T...
2024-01-24 15:00:11 +0000 UTC View Post
ORLANDO, Fla. — Audience members were disgusted to see local music fan Dylan Avalos singing along for the entirety of The Long Shower’s set, despite not having the microphone pointed at him, multiple irate sources confirmed.
“I really didn’t think this was a huge deal. I wasn’t ev...
2024-01-24 13:00:07 +0000 UTC View Post
PORTLAND, Ore. — Following examination of his birth certificate, sources confirmed that KillEmAll_88, a teammate you were matched with while playing Dota 2, only has that number in his username because he was born in the year 1988. Thank god.
“It’s like ...
2024-01-24 12:43:08 +0000 UTC View Post
FRESNO, Calif. — A 33-year old millennial is reportedly joining Bluesky in order to relive their fond memories of Tumblr's peak, not-quite-middle-aged sources have confirmed.
“I know everyone said Tumblr died a long time ago, but I was hoping it'd still make a comeback,...
2024-01-24 12:11:57 +0000 UTC View Post
GAINESVILLE, Fla. — A new episode of the hit HGTV series “House Hunters” is being applauded for its realism after a millennial couple on the show had to choose between a home with deadly asbestos and one actively on fire, according to desperate sources excited to finally own property.
Many frustrations come with being an accomplished boundary-defying musical artist such as myself. But the biggest might be people trying to fit me into that unbearably restrictive box known as “genre.” This is why I now feel the need to go on the record finally and insist that nobody try to a...
2024-01-23 15:00:09 +0000 UTC View Post
WILMINGTON, N.C. — Ambient musician Julian Sino’s latest album is being hailed as a masterpiece, but fans still don’t think it’s as good as “The Office” for background noise, sheepish sources confirm.
“Sino said in an interview that he created the piece amidst a devastating hu...
2024-01-23 13:00:06 +0000 UTC View Post
MIAMI — A local couple working from home was reported that they were left with no choice but to start sleeping with one another, according to sources nostalgic for a quick shag in the office breakroom.
“Ever since Katie and I started working from home full-time, we’ve been forced to f...
2024-01-22 22:00:05 +0000 UTC View Post
PORTSMOUTH, N.H. — Presidential hopeful Nikki Haley says she is committed to remaining in the race for the 2024 Republican Presidential Nominee while also fully endorsing frontrunner Donald Trump, confirmed campaign officials.
“I’m going to stand and fight for the Republican Par...
2024-01-22 19:39:52 +0000 UTC View Post
It’s no secret that celebs live glitzy and glam-filled lives beyond the grasp of our normal and non-rich minds, but from time to time it’s nice to remember that in many ways, they’re actually just like us! That’s right— just like us, these A-listers are ultimately left with two possible...
2024-01-22 15:00:10 +0000 UTC View Post
CHICAGO — Colin Meloy appeared on stage an hour early during a recent Decemberists show to illuminate the crowd on how the power shifted from the Swedish Empire to the Tsardom of Russia in terms of controlling Baltic maritime trade routes following the Great Nordic War, enraptured sources confi...
2024-01-22 13:00:12 +0000 UTC View Post
CONCORD, N.H. – Republican presidential candidate Nikki Haley was asked by a New Hampshire gamer about her thoughts on the online debate surrounding Palworld, and she launched right into an on-the-spot review that didn’t mention capturing humans and selling them to vendors once, eye witnesses...
2024-01-22 08:21:56 +0000 UTC View Post
Palworld, an ARK-like survival crafting game with Pokemon-like characters, made gaming history today according to SteamDB, surpassing 1.5 million active concurrent online arguments about it.
One user, who has logged 40 hours in the game, explained their side of the argument.
“...
2024-01-22 08:18:21 +0000 UTC View Post
Palworld, an ARK-like game described as Pokemon with guns, has seen concurrent player numbers swell into record-breaking territory this week. But according to execs behind the game the team is not celebrating, choosing rather to spend the time preparing for an attack from ...
2024-01-22 01:16:01 +0000 UTC View Post
Florida Governor Ron DeSantis has always dedicated his life to two things: public service, and public humiliation. Even as he worked tirelessly to help the people of Florida address their everyday problems, like woke cartoons, he always managed to find time to embarrass himself. But underneath it...
2024-01-21 22:53:40 +0000 UTC View Post
The world is in a constant state of change. Always evolving, flowing, and altering its shape. It’s time you get with the program and stop floundering in your old ways. One of the easiest things you can do to improve your compatibility with the modern zeitgeist is make some upgrades to your musi...
2024-01-21 17:06:09 +0000 UTC View Post
LOS ANGELES — Dragula, the macabre drag racing car immortalized by musician Rob Zombie, believes today’s generation has become “soft,” exasperated sources confirm.
“Sure, call me the ‘c’ word,” said Dragula, referring to “conservative.” “But I had to dig my own way thr...
2024-01-21 17:00:07 +0000 UTC View Post
Ever since I was a little boy I've wanted to be the frontman of a world-famous group like The Beatles or Less Than Jake. Well after months of talking about it, I finally got the boys together and started our own band.
Problem is we don't have a bass player yet. But after weeks of searching,...
2024-01-21 15:00:07 +0000 UTC View Post
FORT LAUDERDALE, Fla. — The ongoing legal battles that are plaguing Donald Trump’s 2024 presidential prospects continue with last night’s announcement disqualifying him from contention for Modern Drummer’s upcoming Reader’s Poll.
“In light of recent news, we have decided to remo...
2024-01-21 13:00:06 +0000 UTC View Post
MANCHESTER, N.H. — The Foxhole Saloon, bartender Mickey Stevens reportedly maintains the trashy ambiance of the bar by dumping a beer on the floor every fifteen minutes, according to several grateful sources.
“Like clockwork, I fill up a draft beer, yell ‘make a hole!’ to alert bar ...
2024-01-20 17:00:08 +0000 UTC View Post
This is a joke, right? I’m not going out there! The air is literally attacking the ground right now, and you expect me to do the most vulnerable thing a dog can do? You can’t even watch my back when the grass is a mere whisper. How deeply must my squatting gaze pierce your soul to earn some p...
2024-01-20 15:00:10 +0000 UTC View Post
NEW YORK — Muscle-bound Harm’s Way vocalist James Pligge scaled the Empire State Building and was seen attacking aircrafts that were sent to force him down, according to terrified spectators on the ground.
“He’s up there doing that hardcore ‘running man’ dance and batting those ...
2024-01-20 13:00:06 +0000 UTC View Post
REDMOND, Wash — The latest entry in the Forza Motorsport series is set to become even more realistic as Turn 10 Studios has announced a new update that will add LED headlights to cars. Not only will this increase visibility on nighttime tracks for players but it will have the added benefit of b...
2024-01-20 08:07:55 +0000 UTC View Post
NEW YORK — Local photographer and superhero alter-ego Peter Parker told sources close to him that he suspected he had left the stove on after his super-powered “Spider-sense” went off.
“Aw, man. This is the downside of having god-like powers,” said Parker. “Ever...
2024-01-20 08:05:30 +0000 UTC View Post
SAN DIEGO — Tax preparation software giant TurboTax announced a new feature that shows users exactly how much of their tax dollars are going to fund a war machine currently perpetrating genocide in Gaza, representatives confirmed.
“We understand a lot of people are frustrated about high...
2024-01-19 17:00:12 +0000 UTC View Post
Want to squeeze in a workout, but not really in the mood to go to the gym?
This helpful guide will provide you with an easy workout you can do right now, in your home, with the heaviest thing you have available -- the crushing weight of your own existence. No equipment necessary!
NEW YORK — Darren Gunderly, longtime guitarist for local doom metal band Lizard Fire, is blissfully unaware of the fact that the new guy at rehearsal he is showing the band’s songs to is actually his replacement, sources report.
“When we talked about the idea of getting a third guitar...
2024-01-19 13:00:07 +0000 UTC View Post