Hello patrons. It's time to reveal who won the coveted mutilated corpse drawing from last week! Bill's dog Murphy did an excellent job picking the winner. We will be contacting the lucky patron within the next 24 hours to get their address so we can get this one of a kind masterpiece shipped to y...
2024-02-08 01:39:51 +0000 UTC View Post
ALEXANDRIA, Va. — Local man Ronny Stout’s blacked-out knuckle tattoos are forcing neighbors to assume the worst about what it used to say, suspicious sources confirmed.
“At first, I thought maybe it was just something dumb. I saw a guy on Reddit who had ‘BURRITOS’ once....
2024-02-06 17:00:10 +0000 UTC View Post
Hold onto your hats partners, because the most sensational extravaganza of the year just blew into town. We may have just witnessed one of the most fantastic displays of talent in our modern times, effortlessly executed by a woman barely taller than a barstool.
That’s right folks, gather ...
2024-02-06 15:00:09 +0000 UTC View Post
SALT LAKE CITY— Local band The Collective’s ambitious attempt at creating a groundbreaking concept album about a humanoid race of people bringing joy and love to Earth accidentally resulted in the perfect soundtrack for the newest Kia Sorento, commercial reps confirmed.
“This album is...
2024-02-06 13:00:07 +0000 UTC View Post
FREMONT- Ian Miles Cheong was revealed to be the first recipient of Elon Musk’s Neuralink brain device implant thanks to the inherently low risk that drilling into his brain would damage anything functional anyways, company officials and doctors said today via a press release....
2024-02-06 09:23:12 +0000 UTC View Post
Public intellectual Jordan Peterson reportedly broke down into a loud sobbing fit just two minutes into a debate on the future of Western Civilization with muppet character Elmo.
The debate, promoted as the culmination of a long-standing feud between the prominent professo...
2024-02-06 09:21:50 +0000 UTC View Post
NEW YORK — Popular digital streamer Max, formerly HBO Max, recently unveiled a foreboding new “Don’t Get Too Attached” category to its platform, according to nervous sources scrambling to find out what that means.
“We’re excited to offer this n...
2024-02-06 09:20:15 +0000 UTC View Post
DALLAS — A recent scientific study has found that transgender women who compete in women’s esports leagues have an unfair biological advantage in receiving online harassment.
“We found no meaningful evidence supporting the idea that transgender women...
2024-02-06 09:18:59 +0000 UTC View Post
CHICAGO - Friends of Chicago gamer Brandon Proski, avid collector of horny video game and anime statues, have staged an intervention following his latest purchase of a statue depicting Street Fighter’s Chun Li mid-squat.
“I was on my way back from meeting my dealer, mentally rearranging...
2024-02-06 09:16:57 +0000 UTC View Post
The cannabis industry has seen massive expansion over the last few years, and with recreational use now legal in 24 States (with more expected next election) more people have access to more strains than ever before! Unfortunately, increased variety brings confusion to some users.
Different ...
2024-02-05 17:30:23 +0000 UTC View Post
WASHINGTON — The U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service announced today that they reintroduced the American jock to the ecosystem in order to counteract what they call a “worryingly large” population of nerds.
“A dearth of wild meatheads has led to an explosion in the nerd population over t...
2024-02-05 17:00:13 +0000 UTC View Post
It’s been eight months since the company I worked for replaced everyone in our call center with artificial intelligence software and walked us out the door. I’m still pissed, but I get it. Telemarketing isn’t brain surgery, and it was only a matter of time before computers figured out how t...
2024-02-05 15:00:11 +0000 UTC View Post
NEW YORK — Local man Doug Clearing has been accused of shouting his relationship problems into friend Lewis Samson’s ear during the band Mudd Butt’s best song of their set, annoyed sources confirmed.
“I promised myself I wouldn’t bring Jessica up, but I just couldn’t help it,”...
2024-02-05 13:00:10 +0000 UTC View Post
HARTFORD, Conn. — Elder millennial Thomas Sharpe is reportedly in “critical and deteriorating condition” after erroneously believing that his haggard husk of a body could handle a second of shot of Goldschlager, sources who wish they could just die already confirmed.
“Wel...
2024-02-04 17:00:11 +0000 UTC View Post
Hey man, you ok? You’ve been looking a little down lately. From 93 til infinity, we’ve always been honest with each other. Are things going well in your relationship?
If you’re having girl problems, I feel bad for you, son. That can be really tough— you’ll feel a lot better if you...
2024-02-04 15:00:07 +0000 UTC View Post
BROCKTON, Mass. — Local beatdown hardcore band Blood Reaper drastically changed their appearance and sound just two months after members of the band began using Ozempic, multiple sources confirmed.
“We used to walk into a venue and people would scramble to get out of our way because the...
2024-02-04 13:00:08 +0000 UTC View Post
We’ve all survived another January ripe with unfulfilled resolutions and horrifyingly sober weekends during semi-successful attempts at making the month ‘dry.’ Now it’s February. Winter is halfway over and you can drink to your heart’s content while enjoying gradually increasing sunligh...
2024-02-03 19:00:05 +0000 UTC View Post
The English language is full of words and phrases that many people think sound disgusting. At this point it's actually become sort of cliche. “Ewww don't say ‘moist,’ it just sounds gross, I hate that word!” Or “Ughh, come on, ‘would I like to round up my change for chari...
2024-02-03 18:00:07 +0000 UTC View Post
SIMSBURY, Conn. — Local NFT enthusiast Harris Woods was dumbstruck at a Chili’s on Saturday night when after years of being shot down, his pickup line actually worked, confirmed multiple bystanders.
“I went with the old standby of ‘everyone says dating is a numbers game, so can I ha...
2024-02-03 17:00:10 +0000 UTC View Post
So, you turned 25, and you finally stole enough money from parking meters to get a business license. The next step? Growing that business to the level of class traitor. If you want to find out what’s next you’ve come to the right place. That is, the right place to finally hear what a piece of...
2024-02-03 15:00:09 +0000 UTC View Post
WINNIPEG, Manitoba — Loyal Weakerthans fan Tim Ezra was shocked to find that the city that inspired many melancholy, somber ballads is so dreary, cold, and gray, several seasonally-affected sources confirmed.
“I really expected the hometown of my favorite overly-literate Canadian indie-...
2024-02-03 13:00:05 +0000 UTC View Post
With so many people openly talking about their struggles with mental health, it can be hard to stand out from the pack. You’re spiraling but you feel like you’re just not as creative as others. After all, somebody from work got “I Go To Therapy” tattooed on their arm, and your sister’s ...
2024-02-03 01:00:04 +0000 UTC View Post
PUNXSUTAWNEY, Pa. — Punxsutawney Phil, he world’s most famous groundhog, admitted he did not see his shadow which is expected to usher in early spring, and also went on a long-winded rant about the Chiefs, Taylor Swift, and the NFL, confirmed multiple sources in attendance.
“Well folk...
2024-02-02 19:50:48 +0000 UTC View Post
LOS ANGELES — Lucy Dacus, Phoebe Bridgers, and Julien Baker announced boygenius will be taking a hiatus after they realized that they can no longer sustain their streak of iconic photoshoots, band reps reported.
“We knew ‘the album’ and the tour was a watershed moment in ...
2024-02-02 18:41:54 +0000 UTC View Post
Our Uncle Hewlit was never the brightest bulb in the box. He’s the sort of guy who is highly susceptible to conspiracy theories like QAnon, thinks Barack Obama is a Satanist, and believes New York City, a place he has never been to and will proudly never go to, is the most dangerous place on Ea...
2024-02-02 17:16:37 +0000 UTC View Post
LAS CRUCES, N.M. — Local man Gregory Cross had a distinct mullet that either made him seem like the most racist person at the bar or a pansexual communist, confirmed sources sitting at the edge of their seat awaiting confirmation either way.
“It’s a coin toss,” said Caleb...
2024-02-02 17:00:11 +0000 UTC View Post
Yo dawg, what’s the 411 with the shorties these days? I was just rolling with the homies and spittin’ mad ‘90s slang and these Gen-Z jabronies wanna give me the gas face? As if!
So peep this. There I was just mindin’ my own with my posse while giving them the download on ...
2024-02-02 15:00:10 +0000 UTC View Post
SESAME STREET — The owner of used record store Mono Mono (Doot-Doo DooDooDoo) rejected a large clutch of records from longtime Street resident Cookie Monster due to the dubious bite shapes in them, sources confirmed amidst errant crumbs flying every which-way.
“This isn’t t...
2024-02-02 13:00:08 +0000 UTC View Post
Hello patrons. Thank you for your continued support as the slow march of time grinds us all down. Our co-founder/Editor-in-Chief drew the picture above to use as part of the art in this article: 2024-02-01 21:04:38 +0000 UTC View Post
PORTLAND, Ore. —Sneakerheads around the country are celebrating after Adidas announced that they’ll be liquidating their stocks of remaining Yeezy shoes to make room for the new Mountain Goats signature sneakers.
“I’m 95% sure these the Mountain Goats aren’t going to sa...
2024-02-01 20:08:59 +0000 UTC View Post