Rough Draft - Suddenly A Succubus Ch. 24 & Ch. 25
Added 2024-08-26 17:00:10 +0000 UTC(I've updated this Rough Draft to reflect the f
Comments
My comment about a threesome was really targeted on personal development as a way of sorting character action in a small group setting. After writing one or two of these, I found the exercise helpful in other areas of group interactions. Readers on this site and on Lit liked it for other, more obvious reasons.
Dadhiker
2024-08-30 09:45:10 +0000 UTCVee does apologize for the arrows shortly after they escape, though it's a little brief as she gets cut off. I completely agree about the difficulties in writing dialogue with 3 or more characters, it's definitely something I'm still working on improving at. I'm always waffling back and forth with how many tags I should put in, but I'm trying to also use their dialogue to point to who's speaking (Tessa knows about circles, Vee know about Enochian, etc.) One thing I have tried to do is to pair dialogue with beats, like I did with [Vee almost wanted to ask, but she couldn't muster the courage.] To me, these beats also imply who is speaking, but I'm not entirely sure how commonly that assumption is held. I'm also trying to keep an eye on when dialogue bounces back at froth between two people - the hope is that readers will assume the dialogue stays between the two people that have been talking, and that there will be a tag or a beat to indicate with the conversation is jumping to a new person, but I'm aware this isn't as clear a tactic. There's still a lot of experimentation to do, and one benefit of writing the way I do (weekly releases) is that it pushes me to keep experimenting to see what works. Sometimes I'll put out a chapter, and after a few weeks have passed, I'll start to crystallize some of the things I learned in writing it. I've already committed to splitting this chapter into two (24 and 25) and I'll actually be publishing the (now shortened) chapter 24 tomorrow. Everyone here has made great points, and it's been great to examine all the moving elements in this chapter, then pick them apart to see how they can be improved. In the aforementioned example, giving Vee more flavor in her section of the fight, I was trying to implement ideas that came up during the fight at the Dean's office. Specifically, trying to make combat clear and readable. While it worked, it had other issues I didn't necessarily expect. On the topic of group sex scenes, there are definitely lots of ideas I have for future scenes (some with sex, some without) that I'm excited to get to. I love focusing heavily on my characters, so I need to make sure that everyone involved *wants* to be having the threesome, which hadn't necessarily been the case this book.
Nyx Nyghtingale
2024-08-29 22:40:01 +0000 UTCWell, since she was just abducted, it may be a little ate for that now. Unless, or course, she's been abducted into some sort of an orgy.
Dadhiker
2024-08-29 22:34:37 +0000 UTCIf she were to introduce one I think the earliest best opportunity would be maybe switch the "hour of intense fucking" to maybe Tessa taking her back to her polycule know she needs as much demonic energy as she can get for her fight ahead.
Gerald Ferguson
2024-08-29 22:05:37 +0000 UTCIt is a long chapter and you would do well to split it in two. The Thanksgiving scene would do well in a chapter separate from the circle decoy scene and still paired with the contentious practice session. I guess at this point, I'm getting a little weary of the distrust Vee seems to have of everyone around her. Her only "friend" seems to be an old memory of Amara before she became a demon. I don't recall her apologizing to Amara for the arrows in her back, but I may have overlooked a sentence. One of the many tricky problems in writing this chapter are the scenes with multiple characters having a dialogue ("multilogue?"). There are a few sections where it takes a couple of rereads to determine exactly who is speaking. It's unfortunate, because the only "fix" I know is to insert phrases like "Amara said," "Tessa replied," and "Vee asked," which slows the pace and flow of the narrative. There is a lot of text to pour through to give you an example. The one I came up with (below) is not the best example: [Vee almost wanted to ask, but she couldn’t muster the courage. “So, you said the circle was a decoy. What does that mean?” “I’m not sure how they did it, exactly. Maybe it’s an illusion, maybe they just have huge concrete slabs with spare magic circles, but the circle we saw in the chamber didn’t actually do anything, which is why I was so confused at first. It was essentially a ball of twine, random magic runes meant to give off signatures without any meaning.” “Great,” Amara said. “So, what are we supposed to do? They know we’re trying to stop them, so how are we supposed to catch them in the act and find the real circle?”] The middle paragraph is spoken by Tessa (I hope), implied because it's sandwiched between comments by Vee and Amara. Nyx, one of the many things I enjoy about your writing is the way you challenge yourself in your scenes. Conversations with multiple people in the same room is one example. Action with three or more people is another (the Wellington fight scene and the circle decoy scene here). Mr. Ferguson is right about "more flavor" and that's the problem you gave yourself. Fixing it (if you choose to make changes) means a longer chapter, which has it's own set of challenges! Writing is fun, but it can get unexpectedly complicated often when we least expect it. But by "playing it safe" and not exploring your capabilities, your stories/chapters can get pretty boring. If you haven't already done so, you might want to consider writing a three-way or even an orgy scene. Not because I want to read one, but because of the challenge it poses in coordinating the various body parts moving more or less at the same time. In contrast, a fight scene is much easier.
Dadhiker
2024-08-29 21:39:21 +0000 UTCIt's a little messy on purpose, especially since we're not always seeing Vee's inner monologue. When we do, earlier in the chapter, I'm trying to show how conflicted she is. In a couple, very small ways, her thoughts in these chapters are also topics that might come up in the future :)
Nyx Nyghtingale
2024-08-29 18:01:30 +0000 UTCI thought about it from many different angles, and talked with a few people, and I think this is better for the story. I don't know how much extra material I'll add, but I'm certainly going to add a few bits and pieces in.
Nyx Nyghtingale
2024-08-29 17:59:34 +0000 UTCAfter doing another read of the thanksgiving I think I am still missing something. The night before when they left the gym they seemed to be talking and have at lrast some sort of understanding but then suddenly thanksgiving hits and Vee is all emo and "cant be friends"
Gerald Ferguson
2024-08-29 17:33:31 +0000 UTCI just hope that it was because you wanted to do it and.not because you felt pressured. In the end, no matter what I say or think, it is your.book.and I would rather it be something you are happy and proud of. I really do.enjoy the story, characters, and the world you are.building.
Gerald Ferguson
2024-08-29 04:32:00 +0000 UTCI have decided that splitting the Chapter in Two will be better for the story. I'm putting out a post soon to explain the posting schedule, but I'll also be taking a second pass at some sections to see which ones might benefit from some extra love <3
Nyx Nyghtingale
2024-08-28 17:30:36 +0000 UTCI keep going over the fight sequence at the decoy circle. There is a part where Vee is knocked to the ground that I feel needs....a bit more flavor. Maybe something like.... The cultist aimed the dagger at Vee's chest and began pushing down with all his weight. The tip slowly making it's way closer to it's target. Vee tried to fight back, pushing against the dagger as it edged closer but the cultist clearly had the advantage. With a quick chant of Enochian, Vee' body hummed with angelic light and she launched herself and the cultist up, crashing into the low ceiling above. The impact dislodged the dagger from her opponent's hands and fell to the ground, the two of them immediately after. Her.combat training still guiding her body, she quickly got to her feet and kicked the cultist across his face, sending him reeling. Something to that effect at least. Just gives it a bit more vision and intensity rather than just "press the advantage" and "quickly gained the upper hand"
Gerald Ferguson
2024-08-28 14:07:45 +0000 UTCAt Amara's apartmemt to each lunch and plan.
Gerald Ferguson
2024-08-27 23:39:32 +0000 UTCWhere in the story is this? Do you mean earlier before they attack the cult?
Nyx Nyghtingale
2024-08-27 22:09:46 +0000 UTCWhen Tessa arrives at the apartment there should be some dialogue it feels like. She would likely notjce the tension immediatelly.and have a few things to say....probably directed at Vee while defending Amara.
Gerald Ferguson
2024-08-27 21:57:38 +0000 UTCI may be alone in this but to me this particular scene is a powerful tone setting/game changing moment. It helps set the stage for Vee actions in Thanksgiving. As it is right now, unless I missed something, I really don't see shy Vee suddenly yo-yo'd (as you called it) from starting to come to terms with Amara's transformation to rigid/we can't be friends anymore. It is also a very powerful moment for Amara because, at least to me, we see her first real demonic controlling take what I want sexual encounter which sets the entire foundation of the future books and overall story. It.is also the first MAJOR piece of evidence that Tessa is unknowingly a Thrall as she immediately obeys. Think of Avengers... thry are fighting Thanos and next scene just shows Thanos walking away and half the Avengers missing...without the powerful moment where everything came together and seeing the snap....
Gerald Ferguson
2024-08-27 19:21:17 +0000 UTCI'm gonna look it over to see if splitting it makes sense. There are always going to be things I could flesh out more, and I try not to add too much when I don't think it's necessary. If I show the sex scene with Amara and Tessa, I pull attention away from Vee. If I do both, I worry about the POV constantly bouncing around. I also see what you mean about Thanksgiving being the perfect place for even more tension and dialogue between Amara and Vee, but personally, I don't think either of them are in a place where they can have that conversation in a healthy way. It's always a challenge choosing what goes where.
Nyx Nyghtingale
2024-08-27 19:02:00 +0000 UTCI just feel like Harry Potter Deathly Hallows or Avenger Infinity Wars, there is just to much story to tell to keep it to one single telling.
Gerald Ferguson
2024-08-27 18:24:27 +0000 UTCI'm in a strange and unique situation with these next few chapters. Ordinarily, I would have absolutely no qualms about splitting up my chapters to give everything more room to breath, but Literotica is actually running a Demon-focused contest for September, and if I add extra chapters, I can no longer have the climax of Book Two be my entry into the contest. Honestly, I think I have a really good shot at winning this contest, and this would be a great chance to get more eyes on my work. I do have a dream of writing being my full time job, and this could make that a lot easier. One other option would be to release extra chapters this month, which I'm starting to consider, as it would give me more time for each beat, much like you suggested here.
Nyx Nyghtingale
2024-08-27 16:43:36 +0000 UTCPersonally, I think if Chloé were in the room, her reaction would be "Wait you all have superpowers?"
Nyx Nyghtingale
2024-08-27 16:36:33 +0000 UTCI think the ending to Vee and Amara's tussle was both funny and appropriate. If you want the two of them to ever stop wrestling, then one of three things needs to happen: Vee backs off, Amara backs off, or something external happens. Neither of them seemed willing to pull themselves away, so it would be more likely that something or someone would have to break them up. Tessa is in the room, but would she step in to make them stop fighting? Maybe if Vee was winning too much, but she wasn't. So there has to be some outside force to make the two of them stop fighting. If Chloé were in the room, she could have whimpered and broken through to one of them, but instead of meek Chloé, we have tough, rampantly horny Tessa. Honestly, the scene just works by logical deduction if nothing else. I did also find this solution very funny.
AFanofRoses
2024-08-27 14:54:06 +0000 UTCI love your work and the story. Amazing and complex with great characters. I will also say I was half asleep when I read the chapter so I will definitely go back and read again but I feel that you already answered you're own question. Does it feel rushed in spots? The amswer is yes. There is so much in this chapter that at times it does. Really you have 2 chalters of content that you are trying to force into one just for the sake of sticking to a predetermined amount of chapters. Everything up to thanksgiving is a chapter. Thanksgiving weekend is a chapter. Both should be further expanded to encompass all that is going on to further build the tension leading to the climax. Example: there was a huge opportunity missed with further developing Amara. When she grabbed Tessa and said NOW... I had the hairs stand up on back of my head like it was said in a very demonic commanding sultry voice, something we had never seen from her. I understand the need to show Vee's conflict as she wandered the stairs but at the same time there should of been a view change as well to show the readers the Succubus coming out in all her glory. It was like you played ding-dong ditch with the readers. You rang the doorbell and when we amswered no one was there. Also I think Tessa would of probably had a small amount of resistance seeing and hearing Amara go full demon on her like that. When Tessa finally suggests Vee give them some privacy I almost expected a smirk from Amara and suggest Vee could join being she was pretty much full Succubus mode which would also fuel the thanksgiving chapter. The tganksgiving chapter could then be expanded with.more dialogue that really drives home the wedge forming, lines like Amara yelling at Vee "I didnt ask to become this !!". Also the Firday.and Saturday could show Nick trying to fix things with Vee, who knows maybe leading to them considering another try at something I will reread when I am more awake and add morr in a day or two. Great job so far.
Gerald Ferguson
2024-08-27 13:17:38 +0000 UTC[Hell capitalization] I'll take another look at this. At times it's intentional, mostly when referring to hellfire, but I definitely missed a couple capitalizations in there. [...coming from the basement] Honestly I'm shocked my spellcheck missed this one, thanks for catching it! [Vee dropped her Enocian Texts fell to the ground, then kicked...] This is actually a remnant of my first draft, it looks like some old wording didn't get changed when I reworked this passage. (My first draft had her keep the jacket on. I don't think anyone will complain about this version :P) [Amara vanishing] Ah shoot, I forgot to put in the last sentence of the chapter! "Amara reappeared a second later with a martini and everything was fine forever." One last question - Did the ending of the fight in the gymnastics building feel appropriate? I normally don't purposely write "Jokes" this intentionally, and I'd hate if it felt out of place. This is actually part of a bigger problem I have with trying to perceive my own work; I often hear people say that my work is genuinely funny, but that's never something I really do on purpose?
Nyx Nyghtingale
2024-08-27 02:28:54 +0000 UTC[Friday and Saturday passed without incident.] I definitely agree that this sentence is a bit uninspired. I'll give it another go to make it a bit more evocative. [It would be interesting to read a story entirely from Vee's perspective] This is a personal goal of mine. I want everyone to feel like the main character of their own story, so I'm glad you feel this way. [The moment where Amara snaps at Vee] Something I've been tracking pretty close is Amara's emotional state, and how it relates to her guilt over Halloween. I spent a good chunk of last book building up that her demonic transformation is making her extra emotional (specifically more angry), yet in Book 2 she's been pretty level headed through. In my head, her guilt is helping her reign in her emotions, but that control is slipping as she spends more time with Vee. Plus, being exposed to holy magic is never good for her anger issues. This whole point, and specifically the dynamic between Vee and Amara, is something I'm very excited to explore further in deeper books. In many ways, these last chapters are just setting the stage for what's to come in Book 3.
Nyx Nyghtingale
2024-08-27 02:21:21 +0000 UTCThis is a really long chapter, and it's understandable that with over twelve thousand words, a few of them would have mistakes. There are a few times where Hell is capitalized and a few where it isn't, like in [. . . ensure the demon returns to Hell.] and [. . . nowhere to go but back to hell.]. I don't know when the correct time is to capitalize it or not, so these may not be mistakes. [. . . coming from the basement. they were faint, but Vee . . .] But I do know when to capitalize the words at the start of a sentence. [Vee dropped her Enochian Texts fell to the ground, then kicked them back . . .] I think you missed a comma before "fell". That's it for the mistakes. Three (maybe more or less depending on the Hell/hell situation) mistakes over 12,000 words is pretty great if you ask me. Which you didn't. [Vee froze for a moment, caught up in the novelty of what she was watching.] Something about Vee describing demonic foreplay / sex as "novel" is immensely funny to me. [With one last burst, the flames vanished, as did Amara.] Excuse me, what the fuck? Are you aware that putting your characters into unpredictable circumstances that jeopardize their lives is legally classified as "hax" and is punishable with two weeks of me crying anxiously?!
AFanofRoses
2024-08-26 23:31:10 +0000 UTCEvery time I got to a dash where there's a time skip or POV change, I was afraid it would be the end of this chapter, and I was so relieved and so anxious every time I saw that there was more story! This one was packed with so much action and drama. As always, I can't wait for the next chapter to see how all of this plays out! For the most of this story, I think it's paced very well. We know what the problems are, the ladies enact their plan, it goes awry, Amara and Tessa get it on off screen, all that good stuff. One thing I have a problem with (and it's probably just a weird hang up that won't seem weird to anyone but me) is the line "Friday and Saturday passed without incident." I can't articulate it very well, but something about that phrasing makes me think, "So what, Friday and Saturday aren't special?" I would phrase that differently, like "Fortunately, there was no further incident for the rest of the week," or something like that. However, to the relief of everyone, you aren't me and can therefore write the story however you so please. As always, I have no problems with the ways Amara, Vee, or any of the characters act. All of their actions feel in character to me when I consider each of their histories, ideals, and so on. For example, I think Amara deserves to be angry that Vee's arrows hit her, especially since Vee was so mad about Amara's fire singing her the night before. I also sympathize with Vee's reluctance to remain friends with Amara after the cult is dealt with. The fact is that Amara is a demon. Honestly, it would be interesting to read a story entirely from Vee's perspective starting at the same time as this series. Without knowing Amara's motives, it would be easy to conclude that she is, in fact, evil. Plus, people are complicated. The moment where Amara snaps at Vee and tells her to go mope around at home is unusual for her, but I understand where Amara is coming from. Vee has been reluctant to open up since Halloween, even after she sees that Amara isn't trying to hurt her in any way. It would get frustrating to have somebody you want to connect with push you away at every opportunity, so I see where Amara is coming from when she makes an angry remark like that. Once again, this message is getting really long, so I'll break it up.
AFanofRoses
2024-08-26 23:09:00 +0000 UTC
