Shitty Reviews

A long time ago in a fictional story far away…..

Introduction

Everyone has a celebrity crush, someone they fantasize about for fun when joking with their friends, but that’s all it is, a joke. No one ever dreams they would get the chance to meet theirs, and even if they did, surely it would just be a quick glance, because who gets one on one time with their ultimate fantasy crush?

When I finished school and landed a job as a journalist, I pictured myself covering hard hitting stories, being on the front line in active war zones, digging into the backgrounds of drug kingpins and warlords! Not reviewing movies and interviewing children! I took the job because I needed the money, writing and reporting on b and c rate actors in family and prime time television movies. The job was a nightmare and half the time I was interviewing 10 year old kids on scripted interviews. I wanted to shoot myself in the head! And not in a sarcastic way. 

It happened last Wednesday, I had just finished a particularly grueling day writing a small piece on a straight to television movie and interviewing the desperate for work actors. The entire day I was planning my speech to my boss on why i would be leaving, and not in a few weeks, immediately. I couldn’t take this job another minute. I walked into his office about to tell him my decision when he smiled and told me the great news, next week, I will be interviewing Daisy Ridley, right after the Premier of “Rise Of The Skywalker” which i would also get to attend! I was speechless, I honestly thought it was a joke. I was always level headed, had my feet on the ground, and never fantasized about meeting celebrities or anything like that, but Daisy Ridley, there was something about her. Ever since I had seen “The Force Awakens” I had the biggest crush on her. She had the most beautiful eyes and the sweetest smile. She looked like such a nice person, unlike most other celebrities.

The week flew by, and I flipped back and forth between excitement and then doubting it was actually real. When the day arrived I was on cloud nine, I couldn't believe i was about to meet her... 

Shitty Reviews

I stood outside in the packed hallways as everyone funneled out of the movie theater. The crowd was thick with people all discussing and arguing over the movie, Star Wars is very close to a lot of people's hearts and apparently the direction the movie chose to take rubbed a few fans the wrong way. A small fight broke out in the lobby as people began pulling fans off one another. I backed up against the wall to avoid the stream of people leaving the theater and felt a tap on my shoulder. I turned to see a nicely dressed man in a button up and jacket.

“ARE YOU MAX?” He yelled over the noise from the crowd!

“YEA!” I yelled back and showed my badge hanging around my neck.

He motioned to follow him and then lead me down a hallway. As soon as it got more quiet he introduced himself and stuck out his hand!

“Gerry! Nice to meet you! How did you like the movie?” he asked as he continued to walk

“Oh, it ummm it was really good”

“That doesn’t sound to confident” he said jokingly

“No no, it was good, I'm just not a HUGE star wars fan, i liked it, really”

“Ok good, Daisy will be happy to hear that”

He opened a door to a small room with a couch, two chairs and a small makeup table with a bunch of food and refreshments on it. There was a large ice bucket filled with crushed ice and bottled drinks, and another large metal bowl with small snacks and things.

“Go on in, have a seat and get comfortable, grab a drink if you'd like, Daisy will be right up”

“Okay thank”

He slammed the door closed before I could get the word “you” out.

I looked around the room for a moment before sitting, it was very nice but also very plain, like a hotel conference room. There were no windows, just the one door to go in and out. I walked over and sat down on one of the chairs, my palms sweating as I wiped them off on my pants. I looked around and realized my back was to the door, i quickly got up and changed seats, feeling stupid. Come on, get your head straight, don’t make an ass of yourself in front of her! I looked down and began going over my questions, but I couldn't concentrate at all.

As i was looking down at my papers and fumbling through them, the door slowly swung open. I looked up and time seemed to move in slow motion. Daisy made eye contact with me before turning to look out the door and thank someone. Her shoulder length hair flowed and bounced as she turned her head. She had on a tight tube top and a very fancy tight skirt that ended mid thigh. Her legs were toned and muscular but also a bit fat at the top. I looked at every detail of her body from her perfect toes wrapped in high heel shoes up to her beautiful bright green eyes. She smiled to the person outside the door before closing it and walking over towards me with an outstretched hand. I was sure I was staring at her like a deer in headlights.

“Are you alright?” she asked with a slight laugh

“Yes, sorry, it’s just, never mind, I’m Max” I reached out and took her hand in mine, shaking it. Her palm was soft and her hand delicate. I could have fainted just from touching her.

She smiled at me and I could tell it was a bit forced. Her eyes looked a bit watery and a tiny bit red, almost like she had been crying. 

“I’m just going to get a drink,” she said to me before turning and heading to the small counter. It had a bunch of bottled drinks, granola bars, and other dried snack food for the actors and reporters. 

I cleared my throat and looked over my papers again, trying not to stare at her bubbly ass. It swayed back and forth every so slightly in her tight skirt and was almost hypnotic. She took a bottle of water and undid it, taking a few large gulps as some water ran down her chin and neck. She smiled and wiped her mouth and neck with her forearm while blushing a bit.

“Sorry, im so thirsty” she said while laughing a bit and then taking a few more huge gulps.

She put the top back on the bottle and then came to the chair in front of me, sitting down and smiling at me. She was even more beautiful in person, i began to blush as I stared at her eyes and plump lips, her cute nose and perfectly styled hair!

“Are you going to ask some questions?” she smiled and asked, I could tell she felt awkward from my nerves.

“Yes! Sorry, so Ms, Ridley, how does it feel to be the leading woman in a franchise as big as Star wars? were coming to the end of the trilogy, it’s been almost 7 years that you have been working on these films. How does it feel?”

“Im honored, really, and so happy that I was given this amazing opportunity to make these movies for the fans! It’s been a long journey but I had a lot of fun along the way!” she smiled as she gave her very scripted response. I could tell she was stressed, it seemed like something was weighing on her.

“When you first got this role, what was your”

I was cut off as Daisy leaned forward and held her stomach with one hand and groaned loudly. 

“Are you okay?” I asked in concern as she held up one hand with a finger and went silent. She breathed deep for a moment and then slowly sat up and took another sip of water.

“Sorry, it’s just a stomach ache” she said while blushing, clearly a bit embarrassed. She leaned to one side slightly, readjusting in her seat and then sitting fully while smiling at me.

“When you first got this role, what was your reaction?” I asked with a pleasant smile, just as the odor hit me. I tried not to react but i could tell from her eyes that she noticed. My nostrils flared a tiny bit as I sniffed deep and was hit by the wall of stink. It was like burnt cheese and rotten Chinese food. I choked and coughed a tiny bit before clearing my throat and sniffing a bit more, did she just fart? 

She had finished speaking and the smell began to fade away, but I had completely missed her entire response. I wrote down a few notes that were gibberish, pretending like I had something to write.

“So, Ms. Ridley, do you have any comment on the controversy with the fans and the direction the past two movies have taken?” I asked. Her expression changed from pleasant to aggravated and irritated.

“Really? DO YOU THINK THAT I HAVE ANY CONTROL OVER THE SCRIPT! THE WRITING! FUCK WHY DOES EVERYONE ASK ME ABOUT THIS! IT’S NOT MY FAULT!” she screamed at me in anger as she began to cry! 

I started to stutter trying to apologize as I held up my hands drying to diffuse things!

“ALL DAY, I HAVE TO PUT UP WITH SHIT FROM YOU ASSHOLES! WHY DO YOU WANT TO MAKE ME LOOK LIKE A VILLAIN!” she yelled at me in anger! 

“Please! I really wasn’t!”

“YOUR ALL THE SAME! ALL YOU WANT IS A STORY, YOU DON;T CARE ABOUT MY ACTING, OR HOW FAR I'VE COME, YOU JUST WANT TO TALK ABOUT HOW MUCH PEOPLE HATE ME!” she screamed as tears streamed down her face!

The lights in the room went out and everything went pitch black. For a moment my heart skipped a beat, the lights came back on but dimmed and only the emergency lights. The room was a bit dark now and people began to scream outside as a few loud bangs went off. An alarm began to ring as Daisy looked back and forth and then backed up towards me and facing the door.

“What’s going on!?” she asked, still half crying!

“I don’t know!” I responded with a shaking voice

The door to the room opened and an older man stuck his head in quick. 

“THOMAS WHAT’S HAPPENING” Daisy screamed

“Shhh! There's an active shooter in the building and a riot broke out downstairs, we are going into lockdown, stay here” he closed the door and clicked a mechanism locking the door. 

“I’m sure everything is gonna be fine” I said, trying to reassure her

“I'm sorry for yelling at you, i'm just so stressed” she said while still half crying.

“It’s okay, I get it, I've had days like that” I was cut off by a horrible thick and wet odor. It crawled into my nose and clawed at my insides as the shit fumes sank into my lungs. I started to choke and cough, unable to contain the gas inside me without reacting and Daisy began to blush immediately. She began fanning the air as she apologized and tried not to make eye contact.

“I'm so sorry, I swear, I don't do this often, I just have the worst stomach ache, iv’e been so nervous all day!” she spoke so fast, apologizing and speaking over herself. I choked and gagged, moving back and sitting down on the couch against the far wall, not only to rest from her gas but also to hide the growing erection in my pants. 

I had never shared ever told a single soul that I was attracted to farts, and not just farts but also feces. It was my biggest secret and shame! For years I wondered if something was wrong with me, well I know something is wrong with me, but I managed to hide it my whole life, even my girlfriend had no idea! Of all the times I had imagined womens gas, and all the videos I have seen, I never imagined it could be this bad. It smelled like Daisy had taken a wet shit right there in the room. The smell lingered, creeping around the small space and hitting his nose stronger every minute or so. 

Daisy took small steps to the door and began turning the handle, desperately trying to open it!

“You can’t go out there!” I whispered but in a serious tone

Daisy didn’t respond, with her back turned to me as she faced the door she slowly bent down into a crouch, with her hands holding her sides and around her stomach.

Bbbbbbbbrrppppptttttttbrtpppppppppbbfrrtttttttttttt

My jaw dropped as a long winding and burning fart rumbled out of Daisy’s tight ass cheeks. It sounded like a car starting but very very very low. I could see her shaking a tiny bit, a combination of stress and anxiety mixed with horrible stomach pains. I leaned forward, sniffing deeply and waiting for it to hit me, just picturing how bad it could be and trembling with anticipation. I sniffed in and out, in and out, waiting and trying not to moan. 

The smell hit me slowly at first, a mild shit smell that was quite pleasant, but that increased, quickly, the mild aroma becoming a thick cloud of gas that was almost too much to breath. I choked and fanned my nose, my dick pulsing against the material of my pants and reacting to her feces! She had clearly been eating something with a lot of cheese, I could almost taste it on my tongue, the thick milky flavor and very wet smell. It was repulsive!

She turned back and looked, our eyes locked for a moment before i leaned over and began to choke. I enjoyed it, I swear, but it was impossible to breathe. Like inhaling a lung full of smoke!

“I'm so sorry!” Daisy apologized before taking another gulp from her water bottle and then rubbing her stomach with one hand.

“It’s okay, really, it could happen to anyone!” I said while forcing a smile through my choking and fanning my nose. Daisy sat down on one of the chairs a few feet in front of me and continued to hold her stomach

“I'm sure we will be out of here soon” 

BBFBRRRRRRBBBBTTBBTBTBTBTBTBTBTBTFRRTTPPPP

My jaw dropped as Daisy groaned and leaned to one side slightly while squinting one eye, her gas was no longer silent, this fart exploded out with force, vibrating from between her sweat stained ass cheeks and then ricocheting against the hard surface of the chair making the sound echo throughout the small room. The fart lasted a solid eight seconds, it was powerful and very thick, moving across the room like a wave! The intense smell hit me before she had even finished! My eyes began to water a tiny bit as precum leaked from my dick. I leaned over fanning my nose and choking while I readjusted my dick and pushed it under my waistband. 

“I think that was the last one! I'm so sorry!” Daisy apologized again, she still sounded really upset and embarrassed. She took my notes and began using them to fan the air, moving the gas around the small space and only making it worse. 

I stayed hunched over, sniffing in and out and trying not to let her see how much I was enjoying this! I was going to write about this on every fart forum i could find! And no one would ever believe me! But I didn't care if they did or didn't, I would never forget this smell. 

The lights went out again and things got pitch black in the tiny room

BFRRTTTT

The lights came back on but dimmed and red now, there was banging noises downstairs and Daisy jumped off the chair rushing over to sit beside me on the couch. The smell of her gas followed her and whooshed past me, drenching me in her anal fumes. I could literally taste her gas, it was so bitter and milky. She started to shake a bit as she continued to hold her stomach. There was a deep bubbling and gurgling sound that came from her and it honestly made me a bit worried.

“I'm sure we will be out of here soon!” I reassured her and put my hand on her back.

“I really need to go!” she said while panting

“I need to go to, im late and im supposed to meet someone for a ride home” 

“No, i mean..  I NEED TO GO… to the bathroom” Daisy said while breathing deeply…

“Oh… ummm… im sure we will be out of here soon” i said again, not sure what else to say.

Daisy began to moan a bit, she rocked back and forth, holding her stomach and massaging her sides. Every so often she would lean on my shoulder and when she did i practically melted, even though it wasn’t a romantic gesture and she as purely using me for support.

Bbbbbbfbfrrrrrttttttttt bfbrrtttt BBFRRTTTTT ppprptrrspprptt 

BBFRRTT

SPPRRT

Daisy tightened up and began to let loose, I could feel the vibrations from her powerful release on the couch cushions. A small part of me feared the odor would be soaked up by the couch cushions but that thought was quickly relieved when the hellish smell hit me. At that moment I wished that the couch had soaked up some of it, the gas was on another level. It smelled like the fumes had pushed their way through wet bubbling hot diarrhea. Both me and Daisy began to gag as we leaned away from the couch and slowly got to our feet. The room was quickly becoming uninhabitable. 

“I NEED TO GO NOW” Daisy cried as she ran to the door and began to pull on the handle!

“LET ME OUT!” she screamed and banged on the heavy locked door.

BFRRRRTT BFRRTTTT SPPRTTTT

I watched from the floor on my hands and knees, her bubbly ass pointing my direction as she hunched over gripping her bubbling stomach. A small stream of light brown liquid feces dripped down her thigh and began running down her leg! She cried and kicked off her high heels as she continued to pound on the door!

BFRRRRRTT SPPPPRRS SHHHRPPTPPPTTTT

I began to dry heave, I could feel the popcorn I had eaten in the theater fighting to come up as I fought to breath in her toxic gas. I watched through watery eyes as more shit dripped from the bottom of her skirt staining her legs and the carpet beneath her. Her legs were shaking so much they looked like they may give out at any moment. 

Daisy grabbed the ice bucket from the counter, tipping it over and spilling out crushed ice and bottles of water/cans of pop all across the carpet floor. She struggled with her skirt for a moment as she began pulling it up and tearing down her black thong, completely caked in shit. This couldn’t be happening! I thought to myself!

I watched as Daisy crouched down on top of the ice bucket and then let loose. The cacophony of sounds was unlike anything I had ever heard. A mix of wet vibrations, sludge filled plops, popping eruptions of methane and liquid expulsions of wet runny waste! The sides of her plump ass cheeks overlapped the rim of the bucket causing the fat from her bum to saw a little bit! 

BFRRRRT APPPPPPRPRTTTTTT BFRRT bbfrrtt  SPPPPPPRTTT

Sooooorrpppptptttt

BFRRTTTTT

Pppsprprtttttt

BFBRRTTT BFRRTTT sppprprppppttt bfrrtt

I watched, my eyes were glued to her ass! She groaned and moaned as she grunted and forced out the feces! Tiny bits of steam rose from the bucket under her and the temperature in the room rose dramatically within seconds. She lifted up a bit and I could see the bucket was almost ¾ of the way full. Immediately the smell leaked out, hitting both of us at the same time! Daisy let out a loud dry heave as I collapsed to the floor, pressing my nose and mouth to the carpet trying to lessen the intensity. My eyes were so watery i could hardly see and my dick was about to explode any moment!

“MAX” Daisy yelled between dry heaving!

BFRRTTTTT

“I looked up, unable to respond”

Daisy was looking over her shoulder at me, with one hand cupped over her mouth and nose. She pointed to the other large metal bowl that had the snacks inside of it! I could see her ice bucket was about to overflow with wet diarrhea and thick feces, she didn’t need to speak, i knew what was about to happen! I crawled to the counter and grabbed the bowl, dumping the snacks out and setting it on the floor next to the ice bucket. Before i could even get my hands off the sides, Daisy slid over while leaning forward.

BFRRTSPPRTT

Her anus let loose as she was sitting back up straight, and she hadn’t noticed the mess that she inadvertently caused behind her. She continued to cry and groan as i fell backwards onto the floor. A thick stream of liquid feces stained the middle of my shirt and the center of my face, almost like a thick line down my body but with small splatters in some spaces. i laid on the floor, my arms and legs splayed out as i trembled and gagged, to afraid to move. i was in shock, trembling as the wet feces dripped down my face,

PPPRPRTTT BRFRRTTTTP FRRTTTTTFBRBTTT

Daisy continued to cry and groan as she evacuated her bowels into the bucket, her farts getting more and more wet as the smell got even more potent, if that was even possible. Max pulled off his shirt and used it to wipe his face quick, he was in shock though, and flustered and only managed to smear the shit around making a bigger mess!

Max dropped his soiled shirt to the floor, gasping on the fumes in the room! He could feel himself getting weaker with each breath, the room was a hotbox! He looked up and gasped!

Both buckets were full to the brim with steaming feces! The most recent one had a literal mountain on top that continued to grow a Daisy crouched over it dropping clumps of wet sticky and liquid shit from her shit stained asshole! Max stared in horror as she bent forward, her hands against the wall flat and her bubble butt facing him like a cannon.

BFRRRTPSPPPPPRPTTTPPSPPRTTTT

The last thing he saw was a wave of brown cascade into his face and wash over him. Then it all went dark.

The emergency event ended and Thomas, the older executive, came back to retrieve Daisy. As soon as he unlocked and opened the door, the wave of shit fumes blasted out, almost knocking him out cold. He stepped back, choking and holding his nose as Daisy came out crying and holding her dress around her waist. Thomas quickly put his suit jacket around her top half and lead the crying celebrity to a bathroom to get herself cleaned up. No one bothered to check for Max.

8 hours later a cleaning crew arrived in hazmat suits to disinfect and sterilize the small upstairs meeting room. As the entered and saw the horror of shit and feces that covered the room they realized they had their work cut out for them today! It was going to be a big job. They began cleaning and one of the men screamed in his suit!

“THERE’S A MAN UNDERHERE!”

Max was in the hospital for five days, the doctors thought he might not pull through. He had suffered from extreme deprivation of oxygen and a serious bacterial infection, but luckily after a few days he began to recover and return to normal. Daisy Ridley’s attorney paid off the hospital staff and gave a large settlement to Max in order to keep this quiet and protect her reputation, which he agreed to instantly. Max just wanted to put this entire event behind him. 

2 weeks later

“You still never told me what happened?” Edward asked

“What do you mean?” Max asked his friend

“The hospital! You almost died! What happened!” Edward pushed him to explain

“Oh, it’s a long story, I don't want to talk about it!”

“Well, at least you're okay man, we thought we were gonna lose you for a minute there!”

“Haha, i'm not going anywhere anytime soon!” Max laughed

“Well i hope your ready, your going to love this!” Edward said with a big smile!

“Where are we going, what’s the big surprise!” Max asked

They turned the corner and Max stopped in his tracks, he began to shake and tremble as he saw her face, Daisy, she was painted onto the side of a movie theater wall and it was like she was staring right at him. 

“Your gonna love this move! Don’t believe what everyone’s saying!” Edward said with a huge grin

Max started to feel sick to his stomach, the wet sour milk smell, the bitter acidic burning taste, it all came rushing back. He started to dry heave as he dropped to his knees! He could see her ass, letting loose and demolishing that bucket. 

“Are you okay man?” Edward asked

Max threw up in his mouth before passing out on the floor. The one positive thing he could take away from the experience… he was no longer interested in farts.

The End