Most of All, I Wish You Love

I've had so many people from the past contacting me lately. I know they are worried that i will write about them too, and perhaps feeling a little shameful or guilty. Never will I ever mention a name. I realize every person I've interacted with has their own story of how they became who they are. Im not trying to hurt anyone, I'm just recalling a time when I was not in my power to firmly assert my own desires and resented myself for getting into dangerous and demeaning situations. In almost every situation I felt compassion for the person in my stories. All men, who also could not find their power either. Not real power, pretend power by paying an actress perhaps. And I've seen that lead to some really ugly relationships with themselves and others. It's my observant opinion, after many years of this, that paying for affection creates a hollow self worth. I know it's popular to support the profession of sex workers, and I do, to the extent that it's genuinely mutually desired, not just an exchange of money for feigned affection. We are all still learning and teaching until we die. I just became frustrated perpetuating a mentality that harms so many people who are seeking acceptance and excitement and for some, wealth and attention, by enforcing a monetarily based self worth system. It sounds glamorous where the constant flow of money is involved for the worker,  but also consider the mind of the person who hired them. I can't apologize enough for the very conditional love I gave that tore so many men apart. I wish you all genuine love and partners who find joy in exploring your desires simply because they really care about you. I envision all of you with the confidence you deserve to share yourself fully and unashamed and not need to own someone's time or body to feel in control of a situation and worthy of asking for what you want. To be truly free as yourself and be appreciated for it. I wish you the patience and the depth to find the right person, not the "right looking" person, to enjoy all that you both have to offer. I'm heartbroken for the men and women that were taught what they look like is more valuable than who they are. It's a lie peddled by the most insecure people of all, to keep down the threat of deeper, more powerful beings. People who truly radiate beauty show it in how they see and treat all living things. Neanderthals still struggling on survivor mode value youth and beauty above wisdom and intellect. I will admit that I have played dumb many times to let men feel more powerful than me, while secretly analyzing this sad power dynamic. Co-creation will always be more satisfying than fleeting domination. I encourage everyone to grow in unconditional love for themselves and all of life and watch it get better all the time.  
 There were many times I found myself in dire financial situations and felt I had no choice but play along with whatever anyone was willing to pay for, simply because I couldn't just ask people who loved me for help. In order to be paid, I had to occasionally forget who I was and just be who I knew I was hired to be. Im a great actress, so no one would have known I wasn't totally happy. It's great to be independent, its even more progressive and powerful to be a creative collaborator. I recall my grandma constantly offering me cash, and me turning it down, insisting I was making more money than ever before. The reality is that I was stealing groceries, hustling in the worst ways, and often miserable about the memories and guilt those gigs left me with. My brilliant roommate witnessed this and said, "You love helping people. You help people all there time that you don't even know, who give you nothing back. I can see that it's something you genuinely get joy from. Why are you robbing your Grandma of that joy?". Accepting help from others is not failure, it's the next step on your journey to success, all the sweeter when you share it. If everything were separate, there would be nothing. Life is based on collaboration down to the most minute spec of energies we have yet been able to further split. They're always seeking each other, bonding with each other, to create and expand into the infinite depths of those increasingly complex structures, and it doesn't stop at any one person. We are all meant to bond and create at the foremost edge of expansion, ever pushing on TOGETHER, faster, deeper still when done with love and openness. That's how I dream of the future, and that's who I mean to be, no matter who I've been.