WIPWed - The Lord of the Rings Frat House

So I'm blasting at you from the distant past today. Back in highschool, nigh on 20 years ago, I was a HUGE LOTR fan, as was the rest of the world b/c the movies had just come out. I had a notebook dedicated to Lord of the Rings crackfic that I never posted anywhere. Well, it's everyone's lucky day! Because while I was sorting through my writing folder I discovered this gem. If I remember my past self, this was going to turn into a retelling of the whole trilogy in a modern setting but I didn't get that far. Here's the opening scene (yes, its in script format, I don't know why.) Enjoy!

~*~

Moving Day

For a while, forget about the One Ring.  Forget about the Nazgul and Saron and death and destruction.  But don’t forget about the Fellowship, no, they are the same.  There is a new place entitled the Tolkien University, TU for short, and the fellowship all attend classes there.  They have formed their own Fraturnity, the FotR.

It is the first day of semester, and Gandal, the house Father, has already prepared the house for its tenants.  There are four rooms ready for eight boys, and he now stood in the doorway as the first car pulls up.

(A black car, small, good gas mileage pulls up and Strider gets out)

Gandalf: (steps down the walk)  Aragorn!  Welcome!

Strider:  Hello Gandalf.  (Pulls his bags out of the trunk)

Gandalf:  (Walks over but doesn’t help)  I see you are prepared for a difficult semester.

Strider:  Yes, well, I think living in this fraturnity will be harder than the classes

Gandalf:  I fear I must agree with that.

Strider: (burdened, he makes his way to the door.)  I’m going to just drop this in here.

Gandalf:  Good idea.

Strider: (gets in the door just as Boromir pulls up in his electric green sport-car-wanna-be, trying his best to be cool and falling just short of it)

Gandalf:  Ah!  The other son of Gondor!

Boromir:  Hello, Gandalf (hops out of his car)  I have arrived

Gandalf: (laughs)  Ah, Boromir, it si good to see you, you are early, most of the others still haven’t arrived.

Strider:  (Comes out, takes on look at Boromir and drops his smile)  Oh, its you

Boromir: (same) Oh, its you.

Gandalf:  (Already impatient with them)  Now, boys, lets not be like that.  You two are roommates!  Get along!

Strider + Boromir: (Point at one another)  With HIM!?!

Gandalf:  (stares sternly)

Strider:  (gets out his keys)  Alright, Gandalf, you are probably right.  (He walks to his car and gets in.)  Boromir, I just dropped my things inside.  We can sort out our arrangements after I put the car away.

Boromir: (Pulls his stuff out of the back) Right  (heads in)

Gandalf: (Shakes his head, fixes his pointy hat)  Oh boy

(yelling can be heard as a small, four-passenger hand-me-down looking car rolls up.  The voices are the four Hobbits inside and they are laughing and screaming as Pippin zigzags all over the road.  It finally pulls in, barely missing Boromir’s car)

Frodo:  Pip!  Try to keep it on the road!

Pip:  I tried!  Its hard to hold the pedal down and look at the road at the same time.  (turns off the car)

Sam: Next time, let someone else drive!  Mister Frodo didn’t have any trouble when it was his turn

Merry:  (smacks Pip upside the head as he gets out.)  There are even steps on the pedals.  Why are you so useless?

Pippin:  I am not useless.  (Gets out and hops a foot to the ground)  I didn’t see you just flyin’ along back on the interstate, there

Gandalf:  Welcome boys!

Hobbits:  (Hit with sudden, overwhelming excitement)  GANDALF!!!  (they run over and give him a hug)

Gandalf:  Go on, Boys, You have to share rooms.  Peregrin and Meridoc are  upstairs on the left.  Frodo and Samwise are next to them.

Frodo:  Thank you, Gandalf!  (The four of them take off)

Boromir:  (Comes down the stairs and squeezes past the 4 hobbits as the dash through the door)  It’s getting crowded around here.

Strider: (walks back up)  Well, that’s done.

Boromir: (Moves to his own car)

Strider:  (Looks and sees a silver – streamlined aerodynamic-looking automobile turns the corner)  Gandalf!  It looks like the elf is here.

Legolas:  (Pulls up in front of the hobbit car and gets out)  Hello everyone.

Strider: (Strides (fittingly) up)  Legolas!  Great to see you made it!

Legolas:  Yes, well, I’m nearly 3000 years old, its about time I went to college

Strider:  Can I help you with your stuff?

Legolas:  Thank you, Aragorn, but I don’t have much, I’ll take it.

Strider:  (cleverly)  Can I park your car?

Legolas:  I had a feeling it would come to that.  (Thinks a second, tosses the keys to Aragorn)  Go ahead.

Strider:  (under his breath) yes!

Gandalf:  Welcome, Legolas, we are very glad that you could join us!

Legolas:  As am I.  Is Gimli here yet?

Gandalf:  No, he’s all we are missing.

Legolas:  Good.  And I’m glad about that.

Gandalf:  But you two will be sharing a room, so you’ll see plenty of eachother.

Legolas:  (Drops his stuff)  What!?!

Gimli:  (Drives up in an old car that looks like an odd assemblage of several other cars that was put together in the backyard of some Arkansas, backwoods shanty.  The dwarf tail-ends the Hobbit’s car and gets out.)  So this is it!?

Legolas:  (Can’t believe what he’s witnessing and the grim reality that he will be living with it.)

Gandalf:  Yes, Gimli, this is it.  And it will prove to be the perfect environment for your schooling.

Gimli:  (lumbers up)  This is pathetic compared to dwarf dormitories.  If we were attending a dwarfish school, we would be in the lap of luxury!  Eating huge feasts every night, drinking smooth beer, attending classes on carved stone seats.  (to Legolas)  now THERE’S a school for you, elf!

Pip:  (He, Merry, Sam, and Frodo reappear)  If we were going to a Hobbit school, we’d be fed 6 times a day!

Merry:  Yeah, and none of this thick meat off the bone nonsense!  We’d be having sausages and puddings…mm..mmmmm!  That sounds good!

Pip:  I packed sausages in the trunk…when we park the car we can make some

Merry:  That sounds excellent!

Sam:  (Arrives and surveys the damage Gimli’s contraption did to the rear bumper)  My car!  My Dad’s car!  What did you do to my car!?!

Gimli:  (Shrugs it off)  Ah, it’s nothin’ a little dwarf ingenuity won’t fix.  (Heads into the house past Gandalf and Legolas)  I don’t suppose an Elf could fix a car, eh, Legolas!?

Legolas: (Takes up his things, muttering)  Elves wouldn’t be the ones crashing them.

Gandalf:  Maybe this was a mistake

Frodo:  (Patting Sam on the shoulder)  It’s not that bad!  We can fix it and your father will never know the difference!

Sam:  I hope you’re right

Pip:  (Gets out his sausages)  Hey!?  (Calls to Sam)  Will you need a tow truck?  We could make ‘kabobs on the manifold!

Gandalf:  (Shakes his head)  I KNOW this was a mistake