A Giant's Heart: Chapter 15

The walk to the stream through the moonlit forest is peaceful.  Once at the water I take time to really clean myself up to make sure I was free of the smell of sex.  The frigid waters jolt my senses.  Peering back in the direction of the camp as I fill the canteens I still cannot believe what had just happened.  I’d just had oral sex with an injured and one of a kind hill giant, orphaned just hours ago by my hand.  What had possessed me to be so foolish?

I could hear Arjan’s voice echo from the past.  “The world is playful my friend.  So play!”

With a laugh I shake my head and splash my face once more with cold water.  That silly carefree wizard would have loved to hear this story.  If there was anybody who wouldn’t have judged me for what I’d done it was him.

“That attitude leads to chaos.”  Lymandri would have responded to him.  “Find the light in your mistake Caspian.  What did it illuminate?  What did you learn?”

Lym surely would have judged me for what I did, but along with that judgment would follow forgiveness and understanding.  For so many years she had been my moral compass.  Never pretending to be better or wiser than the rest of us but also abiding no bullshit.

And Zayne…I laugh even louder…he would just would have been pissed off that I didn’t invite him to join.  There was no trouble or temptation that we wouldn’t have faced together.  As much accomplices for each other as cohorts.  But that was then, we were both different people now.  I wonder how he’s doing these days.  Probably rich and fat with a well stocked harem knowing him.

I carry the jugs back and place them within reach of the slumbering giant along with the pouch of dried fish.  I check on the fire one last time then, after a long look at Osa’s calm face, I head for home.

I walk slowly, giving myself time to allow the gravity of what I’d just done to settle onto my already encumbered soul.  With each step I could feel more and more of the same old worries return along with a fresh one to join the pile.  Above and beyond the strangeness and taboo of what I had done was the dire reality that I had just cheated on Lanaestra.  I had broken our marriage oath.  Our sacred bond shattered in one rash moment of madness.  I can’t believe how quickly and easily it had all happened.

I knew what I should do.  I knew I ought to go to Lana this very minute and wake her to confess to everything.  But I also knew that wasn’t going to happen.  For a host of reasons, Osa’s safety being foremost, I had to keep the giant’s presence a secret even from my wife.  By my estimation I should have Osa up and out within a week, perhaps even sooner if I could scrounge up some more magical healing.  After that I would do what needed to be done.  How would Lana respond?  I had no idea.  She was proud yet practical and not prone to fits of passionate emotion, a polar opposite from Osa’s mercurial nature.  Even after these years together so much about my stoic wife was a mystery to me and would probably remain so.  She was so much older than me and, given her lifespan, she would survive me by many generations.  I would be but one chapter of the long story of her existence.  Our marriage wasn’t perfect but there were good things to it and built upon a genuine affection.  Only time would tell if it would survive.

But that was an issue for the future.  In the meantime I would add the guilt of my infidelity to the everything else that I carried with me and get on with things.

It was still dark but well into the early hours of the morning when I am emerging from the forest and into the grounds of my manor.  I pause a moment to take a scan around the estate.  All was quiet, the house dark.  Not for the first time I reflect on just how vulnerable this place was.  There were magical protections in place but they would only go so far under a real assault.  Walls were needed and fighting men to station around them.  I feel this more keenly with the new knowledge that a site considered holy to giants was so near along with the bitter shame that my sword arm was not as free as it once was.  In a real fight against a real monster even a moment’s hesitation like the one I experienced with Osa could mean life and death.  My skills were still there but not the same will to use them.  I was not the warrior I once was.  And yet…I lived out here to be free of walls and people.  What was the point of living on the border of the wild lands if I was just going to civilize it?

Again, issues for another day.  Right now I was exhausted and just wanted to take advantage of that to catch every minute of sleep that I could before the nightmares.  After a day like this I knew the dark dreams would be coming for me.  I would have to relive the screams and blood and terror of the deaths of friends and allies and innocents.  My burden to bear for being one of the lucky ones who made it out.  My time with Osa had been a breath of fresh air, something surprising and new to distract me, but I was back in the real world now.

Chapter 16