Prisoners of Sol 18

Sitting in the white armchair, I could feel the psychologist’s eyes boring into my skull. I was determined not to tick any of her little boxes, since I didn’t want to be punished out of my career in the Space Force for getting captured. It was funny how eager everyone was to analyze my mental state and herd me into mandatory psych evals—like that was helpful for settling back into normal life! I didn’t want that black mark on my records, that label defining me. I had to convince them all was well, so they’d stop putting me through it over and over again.

“How do you feel when you reflect upon your ordeal?” the shrink asked.

“Obviously, it’s not pleasant to think about. Angry at Larimak, I guess? Restless?” I forced a calm expression onto my face, though the nervous tics slipped out in finger tapping. The helplessness and desperation for a way out were still there, enough that my will to live had waned. Mikri…Mikri couldn’t see that part of me. “I’m grateful for the rescue. I wish they’d come sooner, but I’m no worse for wear. Better off than…most of my team.”

The psychologist’s eyes glinted with interest. “Would you say you feel any guilt, when comparing your outcome to your squadmates?”

I lowered my head, not wanting her to see my face. What I’d endured had sapped my soul, yet it didn’t hold a candle to the torture and mutilation most other human “subjects” had endured. Fingers, feet, and eyeballs amputated, guts plucked from an open stomach while they were alive…some were tied to pillars and rammed with trucks. I got off easy compared to most, and for what reason did I deserve special treatment? Because I had value to be used to hurt Mikri, who was almost erased because I couldn’t talk him out of it? I let the Asscar win, and they were still having a victory dance within my head.

Don’t break again, Preston. Mikri didn’t offer his life for yours so that you could wallow in misery; this person isn’t his friend. What kind of example are you setting—to live in self-pity?

I gave a taut smile. “I wish it hadn’t happened. It’s horrific, and I think anyone would feel that way seeing…people they fought with like that.”

“You’re speaking a lot in platitudes and justifications, Preston,” the psychologist noted.

“I answered your question; I’m sorry that I don’t have the right thing to say! I grieve the horrors inflicted on them by those alien bastards, yes, and Larimak is the one responsible. I know that, you know that, so why are we having this conversation?”

“Because emotions aren’t always rational; and you’re not a machine. It’s what you’ve explained to your android friend. After what you went through, you know it’s irresponsible for us not to check on you. This is for your welfare.”

“I think I have a better idea of what’s best for my welfare, and it’s not being poked and prodded by my own people. I just want to get back to my old life.”

“Then you need to be cleared by me. I’m not prodding you, though I can understand why you feel defensive over a pain point; if you aren’t ready to speak about these subjects, say so. I’m not out to get you. This may sound hard to believe, but it can be a great weight off your chest to speak about your mental state.”

I tapped my new wristwatch, trying not to show that the walls were closing in on me. “Thirty minutes are up. Am I free?”

“Of course. I’ll see you tomorrow, Preston.”

I curled my hands into fists, and forced myself to walk normally out of the room; I felt like a captive in these sessions, like she was trying to evoke every memory she could of that laboratory. It was cruel, and I just had to take it, instead of giving any reason to the military machine eager to discard me—like a shredded chew toy. My vision tunneled as I opened the door, and staggered out with eyes squeezed shut. Why couldn’t anyone give me some fucking room to breathe?! I needed my space.

However, a certain tin can was waiting right outside the psychologist’s door; Mikri ambushed me as soon as I escaped that room. The Vascar had been tailing me around like a lost puppy, likely out of some form of worry—and it was annoying the piss out of me. I was tired of having to keep it together so I didn’t trouble him further, knowing that he thought organics were fickle and moody. Besides, I didn’t need the entire AI network seeing my pain and judging the stupid animal. He offered his version of a smile, but I didn’t have it in me to fake happiness or explain whatever the fuck he wanted to understand. Sofia could handle all of that with more clarity and patience than me. 

“Preston! I was hoping to ‘enjoy’ more trivial human pursuits, and have learned of board games. Perhaps you would like to teach me?” Mikri ventured.

I rubbed the skin between my eyes, walking away from the android. “Not today.”

“Okay. Then what about watching sports? I have seen that many humans watch others play physical games, and I know that you were once serious about football. If this was important to you, then I—”

“I said, not today, Mikri! God, you never stop!” I shouted, turning around and scowling at the Vascar. “Leave me the fuck alone!”

The metallic biped froze in place, cowering with obvious hurt. His facial features curved into a frown that’d gotten much more accurate, and he emitted a high-pitched noise that sounded like a whimper. I felt guilty as soon as the words left my mouth, but the damage was done. Mikri skittered off down the halls, and I couldn’t help but think to myself that that might be for the best; I couldn’t be that goofball whose company he enjoyed. Sofia was right about how impressionable the Vascar was, so me teaching him any of my current emotions was an…unacceptable outcome.

Asshole. You shouldn’t have snapped at Mikri; you’re the first beings he’s ever cared for, and he’s never had a friend get angry at him. Poor thing won’t know how to react, and he didn’t do anything but walk into your line of sight! Go check and see that he’s okay.

I strolled after Mikri, hesitating to call out his name or run, which would draw attention to myself; I didn’t need the therapist putting me on the spot about why I’d scared off the very person who would have died for me. However, there were a few heads turned by the sight of an alien android sprinting through the halls. I followed the gawkers’ eyes to track the Vascar’s path, and quickly discerned for myself where he was going. The robot was heading to the science laboratory, which meant he was running off to seek Sofia’s counsel. That was a good idea; she would console him and be an empathetic, worthwhile human being.

I almost turned back to hole up in my quarters, but I was curious to hear what Mikri would say. I pressed my back up against the wall by the doorway, and strained to eavesdrop on their conversation.

“…play to make him happy again, and Preston yelled at me like I disgusted him! He doesn’t laugh or smile anymore and it’s my fault,” Mikri spewed. “I don’t blame him for not wanting to see me or be my friend, after I let him get captured…and failed for days to save him and the other organics.”

What? Mikri thinks—I don’t blame him. It’s not his fault at all!

Sofia shushed the android, which led me to peek around and see that she’d wrapped his chassis in a hug. “It’s okay. Preston doesn’t blame you for what happened, and I promise he doesn’t want you to blame yourself. I know it’s easy to internalize when it’s directed at you, but that anger isn’t about you.”

“How can it not be about me? He said I ‘never stop!’ I’m bothering him,” Mikri decided. “Am I annoying to you too? I like spending time with my friends and…”

“Preston adores you. He visited you nonstop and walked the halls of Pluto Station worrying like crazy until you woke back up. We both love you, Mikri; speaking for myself, I’ve never been more touched in my life than when you gave me that drawing of us on the beach. The person that you’re growing into is compassionate and beautiful.”

“Then why did Preston want me to go away?”

Sofia gave a weary sigh. “I’ll try to explain, though it may be difficult since you have no reference point. Animals evolved to avoid pain, and I know you don’t understand what that’s like. You can grasp the logical benefits of avoiding harm, I’m sure. However, that sensible system can have extreme reactions. When pain is strong enough, it shuts down a person’s higher faculties, so they have trouble thinking of anything else. Does that make sense so far?”

“Yes, and I hated seeing him like that, but Preston isn’t in pain now.”

“That’s where you’re wrong. The brain makes those type of memories very strong, so that you won’t seek out the source of pain again—it’s just learning. Cause and effect. Sometimes, to the brain, it feels like it’s still in that unbearable, excruciating pain within our wiring, even after the experience is over. The memory overpowers what you’re sensing and feeling in the moment, and sucks you back to that horrific time instead. Preston’s constantly fighting to stay present and maintain his rational state of mind.”

I was flabbergasted that Sofia had just told Mikri that I was losing it, and that I couldn’t control my mind. I didn’t want the android thinking that I hated him, but was this accusation necessary? The Vascar’s silence spoke volumes as he processed that explanation. I sank against the wall, tears rolling down my face. My hand pressed against my mouth to stifle any noise, not wanting Sofia to stop the robot from offering his authentic condemnation for my sake.

“I don’t understand,” Mikri responded at last. “Was I making his pain worse all along? I would never mean to hurt him…why would he not tell me this?”

“It’s very difficult for humans to open up about emotional vulnerabilities; perhaps he feels ashamed, or is simply unable to speak about it. Preston needs an outlet for negative emotions, much like the rationale for that music genre we told you about, but he’s choosing not to release them. That won’t work. It’ll spill out one way or another, and unfortunately, you were there when the dam cracked. Did you understand the gist of my explanation?”

“Yes. His mind has developed a neurological condition in response to the pain signals, and it is like he is still feeling it. His lashing out is because he is in pain, triggering defense mechanisms. But Preston cannot stay like this forever. I don’t want his personality—his higher faculties—erased! How do I fix him?”

“That’s not the right attitude, Mikri. Do you care about him, no matter what?”

“Obviously. The both of you mean more to me than my own life.”

Sofia’s sad smile was audible through her voice. “Then the way you can help is to show Preston grace when it’s too much for him to bear, and to shrug off harsh words that weren’t really meant for you. Be there for him and accept him for who he is now—without expectations. The struggles might be ongoing for a long time, so it’ll require patience. If you want to see Preston happy again, you might have to be the brightness that picks him up. Keep trying.”

I shook my head, hating the thought of being a burden on Mikri; it was already tedious enough to the robot to handle our “upkeep.” I didn’t deserve for him to adore me that much. With a pressing need to have some solitude, I sprinted away from the laboratory as quick as possible. Perhaps that’d tipped the duo off to my presence, but I didn’t care. I buried myself under the covers of my bed, and tried to shut off my mind. It was no sooner than my eyes had sealed that it was like I teleported back to that laboratory. 

I could see the spikes of the drill descending, as Larimak laughed. The spotlights burned into my eyes, while the tendril moved deeper…and deeper. My fists tightened in terror, trying to hold on for any way to block it out. Useless hands.

My own scream echoed in my ears, yet I felt like I couldn’t move my lips. The metal clamps were everywhere, suffocating and choking me. I looked back down toward the drill to see my lower extremities on fire, with scientist Tilian walking up to bring that lighter to my face. It was like I was paralyzed, trying to twist and turn…I had to break free. Sweat beaded on my skin alongside the mounting terror. Why couldn’t this all stop? I shrieked at the top of my lungs with proper force behind it this time, and jolted upright in the waking world. 

I shuddered and gasped for breath, still twitching from primal fear. There were no clamps around me, since I’d sat up easily; I was at the Space Gate and my body was unharmed. I could feel something metal in my hand, and looked down to see Mikri’s detached paw? What the fuck? Before I could ask what happened, the Vascar pulled me close to his cool, metal body. Any ideas of staying strong had long since evaporated. I sobbed uncontrollably against his chest, as the confused android tried to console me. 

“Why are you here?” I gasped out.

Mikri patted my back with his remaining paw, and dangled the other arm awkwardly against my spine. “Because I care about you. I know that you are not well, and I wished to help.”

“Did I hurt you? I didn’t mean to…”

“It is fine. Arms can be replaced.”

“Still, I’m sorry; I never thought I’d attack you.”

“You did not. I came to check on you, and held your hand to try to comfort you in your sleep, as you looked distressed. However, I did not want to interrupt your biological requisite. What made you scream?”

“It wasn’t real. Just a nightmare.”

The Vascar tilted his metal-maned head. “You said you would explain this to me back on Jorlen. Do you wish to speak of this?”

“It’s…the b-brain sometimes creates scenes while sleeping, as a way of processing its experiences, which are called dreams. Bad ones are called nightmares; in short, I saw myself…back in the lab, being tortured.”

“You see distressing stimuli in your rest state? No wonder organics are erratic, if this is how your brain processes things.”

I hung my head in shame, wiping my eyes. “Look, Mikri, I’m sorry about earlier. I treasure you and the time we’ve spent together. I missed having you around the second we went back to Sol, and all I did in captivity was wish I was with you…you risked your life for mine. I’m so unworthy of that kind of love, that it’s not fucking funny.”

“You will not speak like this. I have grappled with a sense of inadequacy, comparing myself to your kind, expressive nature. The fact that you have made me feel at all is indicative that you are more than worthy of adoration.”

“What Larimak said wasn’t true, you know…about me not caring about you half as much. I didn’t find the strength to escape when it was me on the line. Only when they were…going to hurt you.”

Mikri smiled. “I know. Let me help distract you from this, Preston. We will make the best of this random happenstance, just as you and Sofia have taught me. You can trust me.”

“Trust you. Even when irrational chemicals are involved?”

The Vascar gave his strange laugh. “I have learned to approach humans with an open mind, and to empathize with your peculiar differences. There are reasons behind the irrational. I had plans to take care of you now, like when we first met, but they will have to wait until I restore my arm.”

“Can I watch? Or maybe…help, since I broke it?”

“I would welcome the company. Notably, this would triple the usable arms at my disposal.”

I arched an eyebrow at him. “You’re inorganic. Why not just staple on however many arms you want?”

“My systems are interconnected and complex. This would overload my circuits and space mapping functions.”

“Oh come on, I’m sure you have crazy processing power! Like, what’s the square root of 198,272?”

“445.277441–”

“I don’t need all the decimals, tin can. You proved my point; you could put some of that math juice to another arm. Or two. Or twelve.”

“Now you sound like my Preston. This might be difficult for an organic to grasp, but such numerical calculations require very little processing power.”

I gasped, placing a hand over my heart. “Are you calling me dumb?”

“I am calling you computationally challenged. It seems that your brain’s network is much busier running the ‘I’m hungry’ and ‘just because’ functions.”

“I like those functions. And come to think of it, I am hungry.”

Mikri shook his head. “My plan to cheer you up had to do with that. Just let me replace my paw, and I’ll tell you more.”

I followed the android down the hallway, and realized that his company had made my mind a bit less tormented. It surprised me that Mikri could even begin to understand, but I was glad that he was making the effort. It didn’t matter that the Vascar was made of metal and code; there wasn’t a more loyal friend that I could think of in the whole world.

A/N - 18! Preston ties his mandatory psych evals and feels ashamed of showing any weakness or burdening his friends, especially since he feels that it might get him “punished” and “thrown away” within the military. He snaps at Mikri, who is just trying to cheer him up. The android runs off to find Sofia and admits that he feels responsible for what happened to Preston, and that he just wants to see Captain Carter happy and restore the human goofball to his old self. Sofia explains how and why fear can linger, and Mikri readily agrees to be patient with Preston—later offering comfort during a traumatic nightmare.

What do you think about Preston’s struggles and how he’s grappling with those emotions? Is Mikri being more understanding than you might expect, and what was the tin can’s plan to cheer our narrator up? Do you think Sofia’s explanations were accurate?

As always, thank you for reading and supporting!