Director's Notes – Episode 126

(NOTE: As always, Director's Notes contain spoilers)

There was a guided meditation track I listened to once in the bathtub. You're standing in a calm ocean, near the shore. You visualize each of the things that are bothering you, one at a time, as a small wave. You watch the wave approaching, you let it wash over you, and then you let it pass by and disappear out to sea. You are supposed to be much calmer after this exercise. It's very relaxing. It's so relaxing that your mind begins to wander. You start to think things like:

A) Why are the waves coming from the shore toward the sea? That is the opposite of how tides work. There is something fundamentally wrong with the earth and we are all going to die. B) Where are these worry-waves really going? Are they quietly filling the ocean with tension and anxiety? Are innocent imaginary dolphins being caught up in a whirlpool of stress-water just beyond the horizon? C) There are more waves now. D) The waves are getting bigger. E) They are carrying me farther out to sea. F) I am very far from shore now. G) I just felt something brush against my legs. I don't think it's a dolphin. H) Oh god, it is definitely not a dolphin!

You are supposed to be much calmer after this exercise. 

Sometimes things that are supposed to be comforting actually function as the exact opposite of their intended purpose. Like the phrase “everything is going to be okay”. Has there ever been a sentence that has the capacity to instill more dread? Sometimes trying to contain an anxiety just makes it grow bigger, out of control. Like a phantom tidal wave, an insecurity in your relationship, a semi-animate blob of jelly in a storage unit. Like a pineapple in a bottle or a ship suddenly without water.  

This is not to say that nothing is okay, or everything won't be okay. Think about the words mushroom, snowball, and balloon. They are all synonyms for things growing out of control. They are also a pizza topping, a winter fun-glob, and a party decoration (you decide which is which). So if you think of “everything” as meaning “most things”, “is going to be” as “exist” and “okay” as “on a spectrum of positive and negative and that's okay”, then everything really is going to be okay. And in fact, already is. 

- Brie Williams
April 16, 2018