Becoming A High School Girl - Chapter 20

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On Tuesday, I had my weekly meeting with Jenny. She was pleased with my progress but still wasn't convinced that I was ready to go back to work.

"Let's see how you are doing in a week. You'll have the rest of your life to work, Erika, so enjoy your time off. Besides, you are lucky to have a boss who is understanding."

"She's pretty cool."

She then shifted the topic to my transition.

"I received a call from Dr. Wright. He told me that he reviewed your record and that he'd like to meet with you. I have arraigned for you to meet him here at 5:00PM on Thursday if that is okay with you."

I was silent for a moment as I let her words sink in. "Yes, that sounds great. I'll be here at 5:00. Thank you for having faith in me. What will he do with me?"

"Standard questions. Just be yourself, and don't worry."

I wondered what the "standard questions" were. Laura was waiting for me in the reception area. Mom had classes on Mondays and Tuesdays, so I'd had to ask Laura for a ride. She didn't mind as it gave us some time together.

"So, how did it go? You still insane?" she asked matter-of-factly as we walked to her car.

"That question implies that I was sane in the first place," I answered with a laugh.

"Good point." She wrapped her arms around my waist and pulled me close to her. "I'm so in love with you, girl!"

We then kissed. I know that I've said it before, but when she kissed me, I felt so good. The tingles went right down my spine, and I often trembled slightly. She told me that she could feel my body vibrate when we embraced.

As we drove away, I told her about my Thursday appointment with Dr. Wright.

"I don't get it. Why isn't Dr. McCall's opinion good enough?" asked Laura.

"Rules. Jenny's a psychologist, not an MD. I'm not worried. It's just another step in the process."

"Well, you want to go celebrate a little?" asked Laura.

"What do you have in mind?" I asked.

"There's a coffee house I've been wanting to take you to. I also want to show you off."

I knew what she was talking about. There was a coffeehouse near Dewey College called Spencer's, and it was a favorite hangout for the gay and lesbian students. Laura told me that it was the place where she first knew that she wasn't straight.

We found a parking spot around two blocks away and pulled in. I felt very grown-up as we walked to Spencer's. We walked down the block and looked in the store windows. I always found the college area so interesting.

We walked in and placed our orders. Laura talked me into getting a cappuccino instead of tea. Since she was treating, I didn't argue. Actually, I liked cappuccino, especially when I could put lots of sugar in it!

The interior was very casual. It was like a big living room. There were couches and big old armchairs along with a few standard tables. The walls were covered with various pieces of art by local artists, many of which were for sale. We sat on a couch located near the fireplace. The fire felt really good. It was still cold outside, and I wondered if spring would ever arrive.

"So, what do you think?" asked Laura, as she snuggled up next to me.

"It's pretty cool. So you came down here by yourself?"

"Yes, I first came here when I was a junior. I was in major sexuality confusion and didn't really know where to turn. I overheard some kids at school talking about this place, so I snuck down here one night. I told my parents I was at the library." She got real quiet. She took a long sip of her cappuccino. I reached over and wiped off her cream mustache.

"Relax," I stated. I slipped my arm around her. I could feel her trembling slightly.

"Thanks," she replied. "Anyway, when I was here, I found that I could talk openly without fear of being judged. I immediately accepted the fact that I was a lesbian and that it was okay. There's still a stigma at school associated with being gay or lesbian. Not everyone accepts gay and lesbian students. I also met my first girlfriend here, and I had my first kiss on this very couch." She patted the cushion with her hand.

"When did you decide to come out?" I asked.

"Good question. I wasn't totally hiding it. Cat figured it out first, but that's no surprise. I then told a few select friends like Kristen and Alex. They didn't care one way or another. They said that I was their friend and my sexuality had nothing to do with it." She sort of choked up a little. "There were a lot of rumors flying around school. I was in the middle of the election for Class President, and it seemed like a good time to tell everyone."

"How was that received?" I asked as I took a sip from my mug.

"No one openly said or did anything to me; it was more subtle. There was some graffiti on my campaign posters and a few nasty notes in my locker. A few girls told Coach Chambers that they felt 'uncomfortable' showering with me in the same room. But nothing bad really happened at school. I was elected Class President, although it was much closer than that it would have been if I hadn't told them. But, I'm glad that I was honest with them."

"I don't think you are giving them enough credit. They also elected you to the Homecoming Court. There'll always be jerks, but the good people outnumber them."

"Yes, you're right. I keep forgetting that you have been going through a similar experience."

"What about at home?"

"Mom is getting better with it. It's funny, but she likes you; she sort of considers you a compromise," answered Laura with a slight laugh.

"Oh? So does she see me as a pseudo-boyfriend or just a pseudo-boy?" I asked.

"It really doesn't matter what she thinks; it matters what I think."

"And the rest of your family?"

"Mixed. My Dad is still confused. My older sister thinks it's great. She told me Mom and Dad like her boyfriends more since I came out. Seriously, she's cool with it. I really don't care what the rest of my extended family thinks. I'm not seeking their permission."

"I know the feeling. While I don't have a big extended family, most don't understand what I am doing and don't want to understand. Still, you want the people you love to accept you."

"So you can relate? You're so lucky that your MomMom is so accepting!"

"I know. She's the best."

Laura took a long sip from her mug. She looked at me and took me by the hand, and smiled at me. "And then this year, I met you. You have no idea what you mean to me."

"I think I do. I feel the same way about you."

We then kissed. She then looked at me and smiled, "Please don't take this the wrong way, but I just cannot imagine you as a boy. Do you remember the assembly on the first day of school, when they had you stand up?"

"Yes. I won't forget that moment. Why?"

"Well, love, I was one of the many who thought you were a real girl. Even after I talked to Cat, I wasn't totally convinced. I also thought you were cute right from the start!"

"It turns out you were right, after all," I answered. We both broke up. Laura started laughing so hard that she almost spilled her cappuccino.

A few people looked over and tried to figure out what was so funny.

"I just want you to know that I see you as a girl and that I fully support your decision to become whole," reassured Laura.

"Thank you for bringing me here, and thank you for sharing your story with me." She leaned over, and we kissed. It felt so freeing to kiss out in public.

I got home around 7:00. I had an hour to come up with dinner. Looking in the fridge, I found some leftover cooked chicken breast from Sunday's dinner. So I mixed up a pot of red beans and rice and chopped up the chicken, and added it to the pot. I then baked up some cornbread muffins. With a salad, it wouldn't be a bad dinner.

While the meal was cooking, I checked the answering machine. There was one message. I pressed the "play" button and looked through the mail.

"Hi, Jill. This is Sam Warren. I was wondering if you would like to go out to dinner this week. Listen, I'll call back later this evening. Bye."

I carefully saved the message for her. This was so cool! I couldn't wait for Mom to get home!

A little after 8:00, I heard the front door open, "Hi, honey," Mom called.

"How was the class?" I asked

"Excellent. Hmmm, something smells really good."

I told her what I was cooking. I then told her that she had a message on the machine.

I watched as she pressed play and heard Sam's voice.

"So? Will you go out with him?" I asked, with a big smile on my face.

"Is that really your business?" asked Mom. I could see that she was smiling.

"Well, yes, it is. Remember, we have a bet."

As we ate dinner, I told her about my meeting with Dr. Lawrence Wright. I also told her about going out with Laura.

"Sounds like you had an emotional afternoon and evening. So, you doing okay?" asked Mom.

"Yes, they were good emotions. I am excited about meeting Dr. Wright. And well, I feel so much closer to Laura now."

I then asked her more about her classes, but the phone interrupted us. "I think that it's for you!"

She got up and answered it. She mouthed, "It's Sam" to me, and then she took the phone into the family room. They talked for nearly twenty minutes. I was able to clear the table and fill the dishwasher. I put the kettle on. I decided on chai spice black tea. For some reason, it always gave me interesting detailed dreams. The kettle was just blowing steam when Mom got off the phone.

"What are you having?" asked Mom. I told her, and she said that she'd have the same. I took out another bag and put it in her mug. The spicy aroma of the tea filled the room.

"So?" I asked as I carried our mugs over to the kitchen table.

Mom smiled and dipped her teabag up and down, "He asked me out, and I said yes. We're going out Friday evening. I take it you approve!"

"That is so cool! I knew he liked you!"

Mom deserved this after everything we had been through in the past year. Things were really looking up.

I was less nervous about the appointment, thanks to Caroline. She had seen Dr. Wright Wednesday afternoon. She briefed me on what happened during photography. We were back in the developing room by ourselves, so we could talk freely. She said that he pretty much asked routine questions.

"Did he give you his blessing, or permission, or whatever it's called?" I asked.

"Yes. He said that he would mail me the letter," she said.

"That is so cool! Congratulations," I exclaimed and then gave her a hug.

"Yes, I know it's pretty cool."

"So, when are you starting hormones?" I asked.

"I have an appointment in two weeks with an endocrinologist. After he checks me over, then I'll get my prescription."

"I hope to be joining you soon."

Thursday afternoon after school, I was on my way to see Dr. Wright. Mom took off early from work to drive me. Her company was very supportive of us. I was worried about all the time Mom had had to take off during the trial and subsequent collapse. She told me that her boss was very understanding.

Jenny met me in the reception area and took me back to Dr. Wright.

He wasn't what I'd expected. Dr. Wright looked like he was in his early fifties. He had brown hair with a touch of gray and was dressed very casually. He was wearing jeans and a gray pullover sweater. His appearance relaxed me immediately.

Jenny left us after she introduced us. The first part of the interview was as Caroline described it. He asked me questions about my feelings and my decision to seek gender reassignment. He then began to ask me questions about the assault, the trial, and my collapse.

He wanted to know if the assault had any bearing on my decision to stay as Erika. I told him that I was already thinking about it before the assault.

"If anything, the assault accelerated my process of notifying everyone. But it wasn't the reason for my decision."

He pressed me pretty hard regarding my collapse and whether I thought I was strong enough to go through transition.

"I think that my collapse taught me that there are times when it's both okay and desirable to seek support. What led to my collapse was that I thought I was so strong that I didn't need help," I answered.

He smiled and put down his notebook. "That is the sort of answer I was looking for. I must tell you that I had my doubts about your case and I was going to suggest that you delay any decisions. However, I must agree with Dr. McCall that you will make an excellent candidate for gender reassignment."

I sat there speechless. It was one of those "real moments" in life when you know that something significant has just occurred. You just sort of just sit there and soak it all in.

"I will be sending you a letter in the next week, and then you may begin hormone therapy and start taking the legal steps to become female," he explained.

I was finally able to thank him. I was surprisingly calm as I walked out of the office. I ran into Jenny, and we talked for a few minutes.

"I just have one question. When I talked to Ms. B about this back in the fall, she said that I would have to wait until spring; why the change?"

"We felt that you were ready, based on our sessions and the observations of the faculty. We were all convinced that you are serious about this. But I want you to remember that this is just the start of the journey. Don't try to rush it, and don't expect all your problems to go away," explained Jenny.

"I understand."

Mom told me that she'd gotten the name and number of an endocrinologist from Jenny on the way home.

"Don't be too disappointed, but the earliest appointment that I could get for you is in four weeks," stated Mom

"Nothing sooner?" I asked. She shook her head. "Well, there is nothing I can do about it, is there? Thanks for making the appointment."

I wasn't overly excited about the news. I was happy and slightly relieved. However, the more I thought about it, the more excited I got.

When we got home, I called up Laura and Cat. They both were very happy for me. Now that Caroline and I were on our way, I wondered who the third person was that Ms. B had mentioned.

It was just Laura and me on our drive to school on Friday. Cat had left earlier that morning for her trip to the crime lab.

"I think it's cool that Cat has an opportunity to go to the lab," I stated.

Laura nodded in agreement. "You want to go to Spencer's this evening and then go to a movie?"

"Sounds good," I answered. "What movie do you want to see?"

"There is a good independent theater in the college area. They usually show a classic movie on the weekends in addition to the imported films. If there is nothing you want to see, I'm sure that I can think of something else to do," explained Laura, as she gave me a sly smile.

"I see," I replied.

"What time is your mom going out tonight?" asked Laura as she drove into the student parking lot.

"Sam is picking her up around 7:00. I'm pretty excited for her."

"I think that it's pretty cool that they are going out. Do you think that they'll get serious?"

"I don't know. I hope they do; I feel a bit guilty that Mom hasn't dated much."

"From what I can tell about your mom, she does what she thinks is right."

"I know, but she deserves to be in love too."

"You mean like her daughter?" asked Laura as she pulled into an open space.

"Exactly!" I answered, and then I leaned over and kissed her. We then headed into the school.

"What do you think of, the DA?"

"You mean Sam? I like him a lot. He's always been nice to me."

There are a few things I want to write about that day. First, in child development, Mrs. Roberts told us that starting that weekend, the babies would be given out. The baby was a computerized doll that had sensors in it that could tell how it was treated. It would start to cry and shake, and the only way to address its needs was to insert a special key in its back. The key would be attached by a security bracket to the "parent's wrist." The recording device would tell how long the baby cried before it received attention and whether it was abused.

"Okay, everyone, we have six babies, and there are 32 in the class. Everyone in the class must do this to pass. Before I start drawing names, are there any volunteers to go this weekend?" she said. Two girls raised their hands. Mrs. Roberts wrote their names down. "Anyone else? I will pull names, and you will be assigned a weekend. If you are absent on the Friday of your assigned week, then you get the next weekend."

I ended up being selected for the next weekend, as were Ann and Debbie. Mrs. Roberts gave the rest of us a reading assignment while she showed the six "parents" how to take care of their "child." We watched as she attached the keys to their wrists.

"This is much better than the bags of flour we made everyone carry around in the old days. The bag was supposed to be a baby and what we mainly accomplished was getting flour all over the school," joked Mrs. Roberts.

I also finalized the date for my lecture with Mr. Kline. It would be in two weeks, and he'd arranged for the auditorium. I would give it during the first and second periods. That way, I'd have plenty of time to answer questions. He told me not to be too nervous, but there would be close to a hundred students, plus faculty for my lecture.

The last thing that happened that day was my conversation with Ms. B. I swung by her office to tell her about my meeting with Dr. Wright. She was very supportive and said that she wasn't surprised that he'd give me his approval. It didn't surprise me that she knew him. I suspected that she was more than just a school counselor. So I had another mystery to solve; unfortunately, I lacked the insight of my best friend. Cat. Maybe I could get her help and serve as her Dr. Watson!

It was a real joy watching Mom get ready for her date with Sam Warren. I was sitting on her bed and watched as she fussed with her makeup. She also kept checking her hair.

"Mom, stop worrying, trust me, you look great!"

She stopped and looked at me and broke out in a smile. "I'm just a bit nervous; it's been a while since I dressed up for a real date."

"You'll do fine."

"Speaking of dates, what time is Laura coming by?" she asked, with a grin on her face.

"Around 7:15," I said. I was so lucky to have a parent who was so understanding!

"I still want you in by midnight."

Just then, I heard the doorbell. "I'll get it, Mom."

I ran downstairs and opened the door for Sam. He walked in and was carrying a bouquet of flowers.

"Hi, Erika. You're looking much better," he greeted me with a smile.

"Thanks, I feel better too. Mom will be down in a second."

We walked into the kitchen. I looked for a vase for the flowers.

"By the way, I think it's great that you two are going out," I stated in a low voice.

He smiled. "Well, that makes me feel more at ease!"

Just then, Mom came down. He turned and smiled, "Jill, you look fabulous!" he exclaimed as he handed her the flowers.

Mom smiled, and I think I saw her blush slightly. I then heard Laura pull up, and I said goodbye, grabbed my coat and darted out to Laura.

Being it was the weekend, I wasn't in a skirt. I was wearing my denim overalls with a gray long sleeve t-shirt underneath. They were comfortable, and besides, Laura said I looked cute in them!

"Hi!" I said as I got in the car. Laura was wearing jeans and had a green sweater on. We shared a quick kiss.

"You look nice this evening," I stated.

"So do you."

We talked about Mom and Sam. I was hoping that they would get involved. Mom had dated occasionally when we lived in San Diego. Nothing had ever lasted all that long. I think it was because none of them wanted to date a woman with a teenage son. I'd felt guilt every time she broke up with one of her boyfriends. I knew it was stupid, but I couldn't help it. Well, Sam knew all about me, and he still wanted to date her, so that was a great sign.

We weren't as lucky finding parking this time, and we ended up parking a lot further away from Spencer's Coffee House. I really didn't mind. The weather was getting a little milder. I also liked walking with Laura. We held hands as we walked past the CD shops and bookstores. Even though Laura was out in school, she still felt restricted in displaying her full emotions at Central High. Yes, we kissed, but we tried to keep it low-key. Here it didn't matter. Sure we got some looks and the occasional comment, but I know that it didn't matter to Laura.

As for me, I didn't mind being seen as a lesbian. It was better than being made as a boy.

We stepped into Spencer's, and I grabbed us some seats while Laura bought the cappuccinos. Luckily, I was able to get us two seats on the couch near the fireplace. The fire felt tremendous. Yes, I said it was getting milder, but the term "milder" is relative when we'd had five months of cold weather!

Laura sat down next to me and set our drinks on the table. She looked around as if she was looking for someone.

"Who are you looking for?" I asked.

"Sorry, the force of habit. When I first starting coming here, I was a little paranoid. I got in the habit of scanning the room to see if I recognized anyone from school," she explained as she lifted up her cup and took a sip.

I stirred in some sugar. "You know if you ever did see someone here from Central, they might be just as afraid of being seen as you."

"I know, but you know how irrational fears work," she explained.

"Yes, I've had my share of them this past year."

We both laughed.

"Speaking of which, how comfortable are you when you leave school?" she asked.

"Well, I'd be lying if I said that I was 100% comfortable all the time. There's no need to worry in school. Everyone knows that I'm a contestant. Outside of school and Golden Hill, I sometimes feel a little nervous. If someone stares too long at me, I get a little spooked. I don't think it's because they find me attractive or that I look familiar; I'm afraid it's because they suspect my secret."