Not One Of The Girls - Part 5

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My Dad didn’t really say anything for the rest of Saturday evening, I think he was too angry to form words. Sunday was a whole new day though, I got to read the riot act. I tried to explain it away that one of the girls was playing with my hair and must’ve gotten carried away, it was weak by any degree of cover stories, but it was all that I could think of on the spot. It was certainly better than telling him the truth.

I felt myself tearing up slightly as my dad raised his voice at me. Now, I know what you’re thinking here, ‘Ooh Alex he raised his voice at you, boo-hoo. But you need to understand that my old man had a ‘powerful’ presence. If he was angry, he would speak in a deep growl, in very few circumstances do people continue to argue after the fact.

So, for him to actually raise his voice at me, that should give you an idea of how livid he was, I found myself hoping to God I was never on the receiving end of him ‘shouting’. So, apart from occasions where I would be doing chores for my mom, I spent all of Sunday in my room.

My folks weren’t the sort to ‘ground’ us; we never had our stuff taken from us for misbehaving or anything like that, a stern telling-off was generally all either Jake or myself needed. I just found it easier hiding away; than looking either of my parents in the face, I was so embarrassed. I lay on my bed, bouncing a ball against the wall above my desk; something I had discovered I could do as the walls were so thick the ball only made the lightest of thunking noises as it hit.

I was thinking through the events of the previous day. The ‘macho’ part of my brain tried convincing me that it was just a silly bet, that it was done and I could leave it in the past, but the rebellious part of my mind began to whisper, ‘So what, you got dressed up and spent the day as a girl, hanging out with some great girls and having fun. Surely Mom and Dad should be happy that I’ve made some friends for a change?’. As the thoughts dwelled and compounded, I felt myself getting angry.

I didn’t realize just how angry until after about ten minutes, there was a banging on my bedroom door. Jake didn’t even wait for an answer as he barged in. “What the hell is your malfunction, numb nuts?” he demanded. It seemed that; as I was getting more frustrated, I was throwing the ball harder. After a short while it had started reverberating through to his room, which in turn was irritating him. As he entered my room, I noticed he was only wearing a t-shirt and his boxers, I smirked as it was a scandalous amount of clothing for the time of day. “Your girlfriend is here then-” I remarked, “what’s this one’s name again?” I sneered.

Jake looked down at the limited clothing he was wearing and actually blushed. I reveled at the moment as I laid back on my bed and changed my trajectory to start bouncing the ball off the ceiling. With a scowl, my brother grunted, “Jenny and I are trying to be intimate, and your ball-bouncing-” “Is what? interfering with ‘your’ ball-bouncing?” I sniggered without even looking at him.

“Seriously what the hell is chewing you out?” he demanded as I continued to slam the ball against the ceiling. “I was genuinely having fun yesterday, with people that actually enjoy my company. Then you turned up and made me feel like an idiot” I growled as I caught the ball and launched it up again. “I made you feel like an idiot. You are aware of how you were dressed right? Besides, both you and that girl Kiera said that you were only there; dressed that way, because you lost a bet” Jake sputtered, stepping further into my room. “Did it ever occur to you that there might have been more to it than that?” I demanded.

The ball flew up and connected with the ceiling but as it came back down, it was plucked out of the air by Jake. “What are you trying to say, Alex? Are you seriously telling me that you actually wanted to go out dressed like that?” I had sat up when he had grabbed the ball and I now sat staring up at him. “What I’m saying, Jake is that, although it did start out as a stupid bet. Being dressed up and spending the day with those girls; I finally understand something that I’ve been feeling for a long time and it’s making me question what I am” I growled. Jake looked at me with a confused realization, after a moment his confusion turned to frustration. “But for Christ's sake Al I don’t you’re supposed to be a boy-” the frustrated look remained on his face for a long minute before he sighed heavily and looked at the floor.

After a moment of staring off into nothing, he looked at me pointedly and measured his words as he stated, “You need to think long and hard about what exactly it is you want to come from this situation. Fully understand the ramifications of it, like how it’ll affect the people around you”. I looked up at him with tears in my eyes as I asked quietly, “How would it affect you?”. He seemed taken aback, I had never asked for his opinion on anything before.

He brushed his hand roughly through his hair before saying, “I couldn’t say, I mean we’ve never exactly been close, have we?”. I shook my head slowly in confirmation. “But you know…you’re still my little brother, I uh-” He seemed to struggle for a moment before a confused look swept over his face, he shook his head quickly and said, “Look, I think all that really matters; is that you’re happy. I just don’t know how Mom and Dad would react to something like this”. He looked at me thoughtfully before finishing with, “Just promise me that you’ll be careful. Not everybody is going to be understanding”.

He smiled hesitantly as I jumped up from my bed and hugged him, he was not anticipating the hug and stumbled back a step, once he was re-centered though; he did return the hug. After letting go of him, I walked out into the hallway and made my way along to the main bathroom. I passed the blonde from the previous day, who was standing in Jake’s bedroom doorway, looking at me curiously. “Um…Hey, I’m Alex, we didn’t get a chance to officially meet yesterday-” I murmured shyly as I held out my hand for the girl to shake “my brother was too busy embarrassing me in front of my friends” I said before walking into the bathroom. “Hey, runt” Jake hollered, as he stepped out of my room.

I turned around just as he launched the tennis ball in my direction, I squeaked in surprise, shutting the door quickly so the ball ricocheted off with a dull thud. I heard Jake cackling as I shouted, “You’re such an asshole”.  Just before his bedroom door clicked shut, I heard Jenny asking, “So, what’s going on with your sister?”. I messaged Emily on a Sunday evening and gave her a brief run-down on my conversation with Jake.

Though when I got a response, it was from Chloe demanding to know why Emily was the first person I had confided in about it. confused I messaged Emily, ‘Did you literally tell everyone?’ to which she responded, ‘Actually if you check the group chat, I just forwarded all of your messages there’. I skipped over to the group chat that the girls had added me to on Saturday and scowled as I clicked away on my phone, ‘Em, I swear to god; you’re an asshole’. She just replied, ‘That’s why you love me’ with a winking emoji. ‘Remind me to delete you later’ I input. Emily sent me a laughing face followed by, ‘From your messages though he seemed to take it ok?’ ‘Yeah, I don’t think my dad will be so open-minded about it though, he flipped when he saw my hair up last night’. ‘Oh crap, we totally forgot to let your hair down” Kiera added to the conversation. ‘You think!?’ I commented, hoping that they could feel my sarcasm through my text. ‘Why’s Em an asshole?’ Cass asked as she too joined the conversation ‘I mean she’s generally an asshole anyway, I was just checking for specificity?’ the brunette added with a laughing face, receiving a ‘Bitch!’ with a middle finger emoji for her efforts.

‘I messaged her about a chat that I had with Jake; she forwarded the whole conversation onto the group chat’ I informed Cass. ‘Oh that…it’s a good thing, right? That he’s ok with it’. ‘Who’s ok with what?’ Kat asked as she joined the chat. ‘Allie told Jake she’s a tranny’ Chloe messaged, which elicited responses from the others such as; ‘CHLOE!!!’ from Cass. ‘Wow, zero points for subtlety Chlo’ from Emily. A simple ‘FFS Chloe’ from Kiera. and an, ‘Ah ok then!’ from Kat. ‘I really don’t think it’s quite that simple’ I entered before putting my phone on my bedside unit so I could get ready for bed.

I didn’t sleep much that night, I laid there worrying about how my parents would react to my revelation, my dad especially; he was a man’s man and the notion of a boy wanting to be a girl would be absurd in his mind. I managed to drift off to sleep eventually but I found myself waking frequently, sweating and shaking. Sometime before the sun rose, I got fed up with just dozing, so I got up and began getting myself ready for school.

I took a long shower and luxuriated in the steaming water before climbing out. Upon seeing my reflection in the full-length mirror, I stopped and scrutinized myself; was it really that simple? For the little amount that I knew about Trans-folks, they had; in most cases, always felt that way. Although I had always been at odds with my identity, I never really spent any length of time thinking about it.

I found myself staring at my reflection; imagining that I had curves, I felt a slight fluttering in my stomach at the thought. After a minute or so I shook my head vehemently, I still had to talk to my parents; if I ever figured out how that conversation was going to go down. I returned to my room and got dressed. On a whim, I grabbed a hair tie and pulled my hair up into a ponytail, then after making sure I had everything I needed in my bag, I plodded slowly down the stairs to grab some breakfast. I put the coffee maker on and grabbed a bowl of cereal, it was as I was sitting eating, that I was joined by my mom.

I half turned in my seat as she entered the kitchen, she gave a wide yawn before smiling at me. “You’re up early, even by your standards” she noted as she grabbed herself a cup of fresh coffee. “Yeah, I was having trouble sleeping” I admitted, unable to look her in the eyes. “Oh - something on your mind - do you want to talk about it?” she asked gently as she sat in the seat beside me and sipped at her coffee. I felt a sinking feeling in my stomach; had Jake spilled the beans on our conversation from the previous evening?

As mom gave no indication as such, I wasn’t going to offer it either. “Not really anything to talk about, just some bad dreams” I murmured as I got up to wash my bowl and grab myself some coffee. “You would come and talk to me if something was wrong though, wouldn’t you?” Mom asked quietly. I felt slightly ashamed as I returned to my seat; I deliberated on just telling her how I felt, but the nervous knot in my stomach made me falter. Instead, I sighed lightly and concentrated on my coffee cup.

“Of course, I would” I sighed half-heartedly; she must have sensed something in the way I spoke as she then remarked, “I worry about you sometimes-”. I turned to face her quickly, and she smiled at me sadly before continuing, “It can’t be easy for you; your father does a poor job of hiding the fact that Jake is his favorite”. I frowned, “It’s not really Dad’s fault that we don’t have much in common” I murmured. Mom sighed heavily before grumbling, “Well, no, but it isn’t your fault either.

I can’t help but feel if your dad actually took an interest in what you’re into, the two of you might be a little closer-” she sighed again “you do know that we both love you dearly though, right?”. I nodded stiffly as I returned my attention to my coffee cup. “I know Mom, I love you guys too” I whispered. “And although he’s about as inarticulate as your father at expressing it, Jake loves you too” mom then stated, I laughed loudly at that and said, “The only thing Jake loves is a soft tissue and an indecent mag” to which my mom coughed, “I’ll thank you for not bringing that to my attention, it’s not something a mother wants or needs to be thinking about” she chuckled.

I felt her turning in her seat. She then grabbed me gently and turned me so that we were face to face. “Promise me that you’ll come to talk to me if you need to?” she demanded, although she was talking fiercely, her eyes showed nothing but love. I smiled wanly before saying, “I promise”. I didn’t realize that tears were trickling down my face until Mom brought her hands to wipe them away before saying, “You should put your hair up more often; you’re always hiding away behind it; it makes you look like the girl from that silly horror movie”. She smiled playfully as she let go of me.

I got to my feet and rinsed my cup before grabbing my bag and heading toward the door. “It’s a bit early to be heading out, isn’t it?” Mom asked curiously. “Yeah, I’m going to just walk for a bit” I responded. I looked around at the woman; she had a worried expression on her face. I walked back over to her and pulled her into a gentle hug as I said, “I’m ok Mom, honestly I love you” I stepped back and headed for the door as she sighed, “I love you too”. I couldn’t concentrate in class that day, my mind kept drifting to scenarios in which I told my mom and dad how I felt. The results ranged from my dad getting angry and my mom upset to them actually kicking me out. What can I say? I have a highly active imagination.

I didn’t spend much time entertaining the idea that my parents might accept my revelation; my dad’s reaction to my hair the previous Saturday made it pretty clear how he would react. My lack of concentration escalated to the point where; when the bell rang for lunch, I just sat in my seat gazing off into nothing.

It was only when Kickstarter shouted my name that I came to. “ALEX!” I heard the booming voice and snapped up to see the teacher staring down at me concerned. “Do you need to see the nurse?” he asked gently as he saw that the driver was back behind the wheel. I looked around quickly to see that the rest of the class had already dissipated. “No, No! Sorry, Mr. K, it was an uh...complicated, weekend” I grumbled, flushing pink. “Are you sure you’re ok? You seem a little distracted today”.

I shook my head stiffly. “Just have a lot on my mind, sir. It’s nothing. Really” I muttered, feeling myself blushing deeper as I gathered up my work stuff. The man perched himself against the desk beside mine as he stared at me, seemingly trying to work out what might be bothering me. “You know if you’re having trouble at home, or here at school, you can speak to any of the teachers about it, or the nurse?” he said softly, to which I snorted in laughter, causing the man to look slightly offended.

I apologized quickly before saying, “It’s nothing like that, I mean if I could get my brother arrested just for being my sibling; that would be awesome, but there isn’t anything wrong at home”. Not yet there isn’t…I thought bitterly. “Ok, but I mean it, if you are having any issues, you can speak to any of the faculty here, contrary to what a lot of you kids may think, we teachers do actually care” he smiled playfully as I climbed to my feet and grabbed up my bag. “I’m ok sir but thank you for caring” I insisted. I smiled weakly as I slung my pack onto my shoulder and disappeared out of the classroom.

I was sitting sullenly picking at my food during lunch when Kiera dropped into the seat in front of me. “You ignoring us now?” she asked simply as she crossed her arms and leaned on the table. I looked up at the redhead. “I’m not sure what you mean” I grumbled, causing her to frown. “You haven’t responded to any of our messages in chat and Cass says you seemed really out of it in class today.

Do you want to talk about it?”. I sighed heavily as I looked down at my tray. “There’s nothing to talk about” I insisted as I continued to pick at my food. “Like hell, there’s nothing to talk about; you admitted how you felt to your brother, come on Allie that’s huge” Kiera retorted. “I’m fine honestly”. “Clearly you’re not fine though come on Allie talk to me?” Kiera begged as she leaned forward to put her hand on mine. “Stop calling me that” I snarled as I slammed my fork down, making the girl jump back from my outburst.

I looked around as several people looked up at the commotion, I would normally have shied away with embarrassment at this point, but I was wound so tight that I just scowled at the observers as though daring them to make a comment. “You really want to know how I’m feeling?” I hissed, causing Kiera to nod her head hesitantly as I climbed to my feet. “Fine, if you must know I haven’t slept all weekend because I can’t stop thinking about everything that happened on Saturday. “I just felt so comfortable so normal; being out with you.

I honestly had so much fun. It gives me this elated feeling in my stomach when I think about it-” I sighed heavily “but then reality comes crashing in because I’m not one of you. I’m not a girl, and that fact turns my stomach to lead. How am I supposed to tell my parents how I feel, when I’m struggling to get my own head around it”. I saw tears streaking down Kiera’s face as I picked up my tray and walked away. “Alex wait!” Kiera called out as she got up to follow me. I ditched my lunch tray and made to leave the cafeteria when I felt my arm being grabbed.

I half-turned to see Kiera with an earnest look on her face. “Look, I’m really sorry we put you in a position to feel so conflicted, it was just supposed to be a silly bet” she insisted. I felt my anger subsiding quickly as I turned fully to face her. “I know Kee, I’m sorry just like I said I haven’t slept properly and I’ve got so much bouncing around in my head at the moment”. Kiera smiled sadly as she grumbled, “We really opened up a can of worms huh?” I nodded stiffly as I replied, “It’s more like Pandora’s Box”.

The redhead chuckled dryly as we just looked at each other for a moment. “Is there anything me and the girls can do to help?” she asked after a moment, I shook my head slowly. “I think I just need some time to figure myself out you know?” I muttered with a weak smile. “Ok, well you know where we are if you need us,” she said quietly before pulling me into a gentle hug. She then let go of me and with a sad smile, she walked away towards the athlete’s table. I watched after her, before turning and heading out of the lunch hall.