To see you smile and taking one day at the time ♥️

Hi everyone!!

Happy Halloween 🎃

I hope you all had a wonderful night and it was filled with laughter and fun times.

This past few months have been the worst months of my life. You all know I suffer from anxiety and OCD… well now I have to add depression to the list.

Live is always changing and I have to admit I am not the best at handling change… what I am also not good at is not been able to help my son. You guys know of Josh’s struggles. His autism is not as strong in some aspects like communication, he was able to talk and now speaks two languages like me. He is kind, he has the most noble heart and my God the world doesn’t deserve such a kind soul!

But, yet he still struggles, his anxiety also gets the best of him and it breaks me that before I was able to just hold him and just wait until he was calm again. Now he is almost 17. He is taller and stronger than me and I cant hold him anymore 💔

And yet, I wait… I take the punch he will give me. I will take the knife out of his hands even if it hurts me. I don’t matter when it comes to protecting him. I will give my live for his. But what happens when that’s not enough? What happens when I’m gone?

I repeat that last question over and over and over in my head bc Ik no one will love him like I do. Not even his dad. No one loves him like I do! And that scares me so much!!! I make plans! And still all I think it’s What will happen to him when I’m gone? Will he be taken advantage? Will someone hurt him? Will he hurt himself? What will happen? And I don’t find the answer!

And my mind fills with images! Horrible flashes that I cant stop about the thousand of ways he will get hurt! The thousands of ways that maybe he doesn’t need me after all… And I don’t sleep and I have nightmares and then there’s the numbness… It’s horrible 😞

I almost did something stupid a few weeks ago and if it wasn’t for all the people in the chat room of this page I will probably have done it. So thank you. Thank you to everyone that helped me that awful day.

Right now I am on new meds, they have changed them twice now but the second one seems to be working… I had some money and my mom helped me get a couple of sessions of therapy. I hope I can return next month as well. Money is tight right now.

But I want to thank everyone that joined and everyone that stayed. I hope you stay this month as well. I will do my best to post. I made a schedule mostly to entertain the idea that everything is back to normal but as you guys know with mental illness there will be good and bad days. And I’m recovering rn. I need time to heal.

I might not be able to make everything I listed on that schedule but I will for sure try my best. It will serve as guide for this month. You can find it on the chat but please remember that I made it thinking everything is back to normal but everything is not backtrack to normal… so take it with a grain of salt.

Anyways… I hope you all enjoy what little I can offer. Who knows maybe I’ll do more! Not likely but I’ll definitely try. Join the chat here on Patreon and we can talk more there. Love you all! If you have any questions let me know ♥️