an explanation

hello yall! 

i dont really know how to start this message so if its rambl-y i apologize, none of this is easy to write...

so firstly- happy new year! im sorry i havent been very interactive on here or on discord. i havent streamed since before the new year either...

its all for a reason, well a few. ive been struggling really badly with my mental health for the past 3/4 months. i havent been coping well. 

ive been trying really hard not to let it show. i think that a lot of people turn to my content as a way to relax and let go of their reality. i dont think that me burdening my listeners about my issues and struggles is something that is pleasurable. it just gotten to a point where i couldnt hide it anymore, and im worrying more people by not talking than by talking. so that is why i am writing this. 

it was really rough. its been really rough. and its not like BECAUSE of anything. my family is okay. no one is sick. no one is dying. things are really good. i just.. havent been. i would love to be able to blame it on something like "stress at work" but that wouldnt be true because its just not that. it wasent caused by anything, it just started. and then everything just got worse. festered. 

i tried all the right things, going to a therapist, talking about it with friends, going out more. diet. exercise. and nothing was working, so i gave up. i stopped trying and i started getting as far away as i could from myself as possible. i didnt want to be me anymore. i tried as hard as i could to get as far into the influence as possible every night. to be in as far as an altered state as possible. to get as far away from myself as i could. and i did that for a long LONG while. 

last night was the first sober night in over 2 months.  

ive been feeling better for the last week and a half. and im trying to put everything back together. im working, catching up. i am better now. 

im sorry to everyone i worried. im sorry for the inactivity. im sorry for not being the kind of content creator you all deserve. 

i want you to know that i really appreciate all of you. i want you to know that im trying to be the kind of content creator you deserve. and i will work towards it every day, with every breath <3