CONTESSA DOESN’T UNDERSTAND BOARD GAMES

The hotel lounge was quiet, lit by the dim glow of hanging lanterns and the flickering orange of a fireplace. A few guests were scattered around, lost in books or nursing drinks. In the middle of the room, a table lay cluttered with colorful cards, wooden tokens, and a neatly folded rulebook.

Maggie tapped the board. “Okay. You’re red. I’m blue. First one to complete five quests wins.”

Contessa stood over the table, studying the map, the small plastic figures, the rows of cards labeled with arcane-sounding names like Wizard’s Tower and Caverns of Despair. “This is a simulation?”

“It’s a fantasy game,” Maggie explained, grinning. “You build a character, go on quests, maybe mess with your friends. Lighthearted stuff.”

She flipped over a card. “You draw quests like this—fight a monster, collect relics, pass a skill check. You use your hand and gear to beat the challenge, depending on your class.”

Contessa picked up a red figurine and turned it over in her hand. “The rules are arbitrary, and the objectives are fictional.”

“And so?” Maggie asked, already drawing her starting hand. 

Contessa stared at her. “You are proposing a structured activity with no real-world outcome.”

“I’m suggesting you play.”

Another pause. Then, without a word, Contessa pulled out the chair and sat down. “Yes, ma’am.”

It started haltingly as she read every card, scrutinized every effect, and questioned every ambiguity. 

Maggie played fast, narrating her bard’s ridiculous adventures and making dramatic sound effects when a battle broke out. Contessa’s approach was more methodical—calculating card synergies, blocking Maggie’s progress where necessary.

“This game does not reward direct confrontation,” she noted after trapping Maggie’s character in a swamp for two rounds. “It incentivizes misdirection and opportunism.”

Maggie gave her a flat look. “You’re really putting the ‘fun’ in ‘fundamental analysis.’”

But by the fourth round, Contessa had built a nearly unstoppable deck of cards. Her plastic adventurer swept through the board like a force of nature until she effortlessly completed her fifth quest.

Maggie leaned back, arms crossed, torn between admiration and disbelief. “You didn’t enjoy a second of that, did you?”

Contessa paused. “I did not enjoy winning.”

Maggie blinked. “Oh?”

“I enjoyed… trying to understand why you do.”

There was a beat of silence. Then Maggie started gathering the cards. “You wanna go again?”

There was a pause. Contessa reached into the box, pulled out a blue figurine this time, and placed it on the board.

“I will try playing this time.”