Consent check-ins during a scene

I posted this video to my Tiktok earlier this year - and it got a LOT more reactions than I thought it would. Naturally, this included trolling and negative comments from folks who didn't understand much or who took it out of context. So I decided it's a good idea to unpack some of it and discuss with you!

In the video, I mention three very basic consent check-ins that a d-type can do during a session - or that a brat may use, at their own risk. Before we get into that, let me just be very clear: I do not do anything to any of my submissives without their consent, and that includes everything that happens during a scene. My submissives consent to the scene plan ahead of time; I therefore already know that they are okay with whatever I have planned. Their consent is freely and enthusiastically given. Their consent can be withdrawn at any point, for whatever reason, and that is why consent check-ins are so crucial during a scene. This is the premise that I based my video on. The idea was to also do the check-ins in a sexy way that keep the mood going (or enhances it), something that is different to the usual traffic light system. So, let's get into it.

1. "Ready for more?"

To me, this one feels similar to the traffic light system, in the sense that I'm checking whether the sub is green or orange. If they say yes, then that is the equivalent of green and we're all good to go. If they say no, then I know to slow down a bit to get them back to green (and can then repeat the question) or to stop altogether. I also do this to check whether they enjoy the particular thing that we're doing, because I don't want to engage in an activity that is not enjoyable for both of us.

2. "Beg me for it."

If there's one thing that makes my sadism shudder with satisfaction, it's begging. I absolutely love making a sub beg for something they want. To add to the degradation of this command, I use it right after the first consent check-in. That way, consent has been re-established and I can just toy with my sub while at the same time, maintaining consent. There are variations of this, of course, and you can play around with and customise it as you see fit for your play scene. This can also be an opportunity for brats to tease a little by topping from the bottom (in a respectful, consensual way). 

3. "Tell me how good it feels."

Depending on what's happening in the scene, this one can be used on its own or after the first two. Using it on its own has to be done with caution, especially when the submissive has people pleasing tendencies. This is why I feel that it slots in so perfectly after the first two check-ins. "Tell me how good it feels" allows the submissive to use descriptive language, rather than just saying yes or no to the standard "does that feel good" question. This is also a useful skill to practice, as it develops more eloquent begging and worshipping.

There are a variety of ways that consent check-ins can be done during a session and I'm not diminishing any of them in any way. The purpose of this Tiktok video was to give ideas for sexier check-ins that can help the dominant and submissive stay in the mood and/or not disrupt any role playing.

It is important for play partners to discuss their consent check-ins and be aware of each other's traumas, triggers, mental health issues, and any behaviours that are a result thereof - such as people pleasing tendencies. I'm pointing this out specifically because there was a lot of backlash about it. BDSM is not intended to replace any therapy or fix any issues. BDSM can help process traumas and help heal, yes, but each play partner should do their own work in therapy. If someone has trouble enforcing their own boundaries, then that is something to work on during therapy AND something for their play partners to be aware of and be mindful of during scenes. I say this as someone who has done a lot of work in therapy myself, not as someone who is void of compassion or empathy. I still have trouble with people pleasing myself sometimes! So I know and I understand where these comments came from and I don't disagree with how important it is. 

So, my question to you: what consent check-ins do you find sexy?