Ancilla L

Podcast E2: Idiots With Phones And Codependency.

In today's episode I talk about an idiotic digital age faux-pas, my mother and codependency in relationships, and how that's not always a bad thing. Longer than the last one! 

Let me know what you think! 

Thank you for listening. 

(PS: At some point in ...

White, Red, Black.

White

I can't keep it clean but I like to wear white. Actually, I can't keep it clean and that's why I like to wear white. White shirts look better with mud on them and white panties look better with blood on them.

But I am sure I like unspoiled white when I look at m...

When She Spoke In Depravity.

I can count on one hand the number of dates I have been nervous about in my life. The one in eleventh grade when an age-appropriate boy I really liked took me to a movie. The one in Tokyo when I was 18 and a 17-year old boy made me his bitch. Still can't believe that happened. And my first actual...

My First Podcast: New Things and Threeways (when threeways aren't the new thing)

Hi Everyone! 

Welcome to "But, That's Not My Point," a podcast about love, sex and nonsense. 

I decided I wanted to start doing a podcast and this is my first attempt at that. It's a podcast about weird sex, earth-shattering love and complete nonsense. The first one is set t...

The Dancer

I was always a little envious of her. It wasn't because she was prettier than me, even though she was; she had curly black hair that draped her delicate shoulders all the way down to her hips and her smile could light up even the darkest of rooms. Her appearance was enviable but that wasn't why I...

I Was Going To Be A Tree.

I used to wonder, so often—

Am I no good? 

Trouble seems to follow me around. 

I disguise myself in respectability and all shades of green, but it finds me. 

Pries me out of the parched crusted Earth w...

Two Tales Of Red Lace.

"What's that on your wrist?" He asked getting into the driver's seat and pointing at my hand, "Is that..garter?"

I laughed before I explained.

"No, not garter. It's the ripped out end of an old stocking," I said pulling it off my wrist and showing him, "Hmm.. I guess it does look li...

Boys Playing Together.

I can hear them talking but I can't respond. I would have but the toe of his boot is stuck inside my mouth and I'd much rather use my tongue to lick it clean than make chit chat. It fascinates me that while the thought of someone else's washed toothbrush in my mouth horrifies me, the reality of a...

Ugly Panties.

I was still lying naked in bed, recovering from his last teasing touche before he left for the day, when the bell rang. Hoping it was just the garbage man and he'd pick up the trash that was already outside, I put my head back under the covers. Immediately I was overcome with the scent of me. It'...

The Gold-Standard For Cuckolding.

My favorite parts of books are all worn out because I revisit those pages so often. I'm the same way with memories. The best of mine are like worn pages from my favorite books, and being with her is one of those memories. You fuck a lot of people in life, but some of you bury deep in the recesses...

How do you know when no means no when no also means yes, please, more, hell yes and is also completely irrelevant? (aka How To Understand Consensual Non-Consent)

...the short answer is, you don't. 

One of the most important things I learnt from my last relationship was that you can give away your right to say no but you can't always keep yourself from feeling like saying no. I never said no, and when and if I di...

Good Old-Fashioned Violence.

"What are you thinking?" He asked.

It's a question we avoid in our house these days. It's just one of those phases in life, there is so much going on and nobody knows how to handle something we have no control over so we're just waiting for it to come to pass. Sometimes that is the best y...

I Always Choose Filth.

I crawled towards the bowl. I couldn't get up off the floor because my leg was chained to the metal screen. It looked a little like my yoga bars, or a very sturdy ladder. There wasn't enough slack or length or strength in me for me to stand up and walk to the bowl but I could crawl within it's re...

The Shaming.

"Come here."

Immediately my fingers hooked themselves into the straps of my bra and I began to take it off.

"I said come here, not undress," he said gritting his teeth, "What are you, stupid?"

I hate it when he does that; when he just changes the rules anytime he likes and...

Between Brothers.

His fingers linger,
Over the purple imprints on my arm.
He doesn't say anything,
And I continue to gaze out of the window,
as if I don't notice that he's stroking the thumb prints with a compulsion that betrays him.

He shifts his grip an inch lower before he pulls ...

Be Irrelevant For Me

A quiet evening after a quiet day. It may not have been quiet on the outside but some days I feel so quiet on the inside. It's as if the people inside me have all left; like a dormitory during summer break. Or a school music-room in the middle of the night. The kind of room you can just walk into...

Twenty-One Nightmares

Every time I look at the watch, I tell myself he'll come the next time the big arrow points to twelve. I know it's stupid. We all make schedules with round figures in them but things rarely happen exactly as the clock chimes.

And so the clock takes several rounds while I toss and turn, te...

The Use of A Hole.

'6 PM
Naked and on your knees.
Leave the door unlocked.'

I'd been reading that text message all day long. As if looking at it continuously would make it more acceptable or make it disappear altogether. But when neither of those things had happened by 5:45, I figured I would have to j...

I Let A Stranger Take Me Home.

I wasn't supposed to be in town that night but my flights got mixed up and there I was. Obviously I was dying to see him again. Dying. I hadn't been taken with someone like that in..ever. I'd never been hit by love so hard in the face i came a little. I'd never looked someone in the face and imme...

Do Whores Have Souls Too?

My ex and I had a dynamic built entirely on me not having the right to say no. Clutch your pearls tighter, unbunch your panties, get over yourself and yes, that's what it was. We can make it prettier and call it Consensual Non-Consent (CNC) so fine, let's call it that. It wa...

How Mercy Became My Safeword.

I had been lying there so long the rug was beginning to hurt my back. I could feel the impressions it would leave on my skin and I wondered, in fleeting thoughts, if I should start buying softer rugs.

His toe dug into inside of my thigh; right where the pelvis meets thigh in the spot that ...

Five Times A Day.

"Why are you looking at me like that?" He asked looking away from the highway and at me instead.

"Like what?" I asked in my refrain, lifting my head from my arm and looking away a little.

It's a bit alarming how often we have this exchange. It would appear we never know why we look ...

She's Mad, But She's Magic.

She's mad, but she's magic.

She laughs too loud, and before you know it there's tears in the corner of her eye.

She smiles wide but there is a profound sadness in the pout of her bottom lip.

She runs too far, so far she can almost never make her way back so if she ever crosse...

My Poisonous Girl.

"I want to bludgeon her to death," she said glaring at the object of her wrath on a computer screen, "Just take a giant rock and..."

It was surprising. Not that she harboured intense detestation for someone but that she wanted to bludgeon them. I'd have thought she'd use a gun, or a charm....

Blue Lights In The Bedroom.

When I first suggested blue lights in the bedroom he cocked up his eyebrow and looked at me like I had gone insane.

"But blue is surreal," I told him.

He didn't understand but it's only because he doesn't see the lights the way I do. I chase light. Red is for torture, yell...

Yes Master.

"Go to the other room and wait for me," he said urging me off the edge of our bed.

"Yes master."

We recently shifted our bedroom from one room to the other. The other room is cosier; it's smaller and feels more like a place you'd want to fall asleep in. Now in comparison, our old ...

Tell Me How To hate It.

Whip bites.

Fists fall.

Leather meets skin.

I want to scream but it's stuck like the memory of a hair in my throat.

It's not really there.

But I remember it being there so well I can feel the outline still inside.

Inside, I can scream.

Outside, I j...

How Sexual "Enlightenment" Alienates People.

Some time ago I wrote something about being a sex worker. To be specific, what I wrote was about one particular client but it also detailed my personal experience of being a sex worker. Now I became a sex worker because that is what I wanted to do with my life then and it felt like something I ha...

The Animal.

It's dark outside. It has to be because the clock says it's well past nine. It doesn't matter though. It doesn't matter that the sun comes up every morning and children scurry away to school with giant backpacks that seem to grow bigger each year. It doesn't matter because inside this house, it's...

The Black Queen Always Wins

He never takes me out to dinner. I buy all these pretty clothes and most of the time I just end up wearing them around the house to make myself feel fancy. He never even takes me out for coffee. But that's okay, right? I mean, we live in the same house. Sleep in the same bed. Drink out of the sam...