Gather round patrons, I’ve got some announcements for ya. I’m making some much-needed changes in an effort to achieve the fabled “work-life balance” the nice white coats in the nuthouse keep telling me about.
I must evolve. Life is change, stagnation is death, and I’m tired ...
2024-10-05 15:51:03 +0000 UTC View Post
You may have noticed an oh-so subtle character arc taking place in The Blue Glow, and that is an arc of me growing ever more disdainful toward my own bullshit. I gotta get out the glow and live my life a little before I devolve any further, so this Lion King finale is also a season finale. <...
2024-09-27 21:27:35 +0000 UTC View Post
I deserve 2 awards today. One for playing this fever dream to completion and another for being the only man on earth powerful enough to make it entertaining. I hope.
This dollar bin horror is clearly designed for one year olds, but i wouldn't give this to any one year old i didn't want to t...
2024-09-27 21:05:01 +0000 UTC View PostIts almost october so here's a spoooky 1 dollar RPG from my heroes at Ratalaika games. Every time i see that dog logo i have a pavlovian response of excitement and whimsy, cause i know im in for something creative, cheap, and weirdly good. Its the only dog i like.
These guys are going place...
2024-09-27 10:11:01 +0000 UTC View PostAh yes, let me tell you about the biolab wars. Better yet let me rap it at you, because this game's bangin and boofin title screen music demands it.
This masterpiece proves how easy it is to make a great game, so all the shitty ones have no excuse. Literally all you have to do is copy...
2024-09-27 09:06:38 +0000 UTC View Post
It’s time for my yearly attempt at playing RE0. In this episode, 0 is the amount of progress made, and also the amount of fucks being given, by me, the master of the insanely stupid Resident Evil playing.
I swear all of this is gonna mean something someday, when I finally have enoug...
2024-09-13 06:29:39 +0000 UTC View Post
I don’t know if Dollface is gonna get her wish this time, she’s too busy getting herself killed while trying and failing to shoot missiles at a secret box in the corner of the map to unlock that bloody-toed jackoff, Axel. Or Warthog. Or whoever the hell is in there, I don't even remember.&nbs...
2024-09-13 06:23:23 +0000 UTC View Post
This is a rhythm game, but really it’s a horror game. Just look at the title, this naïve youngster wants to be famous. Like a lamb hopping happily along to the fox’s den. She will soon learn that in the land of the fickle masses, fame is death..
Modern culture is entirely fueled by mor...
2024-09-13 06:17:32 +0000 UTC View Post
I’m hot, I'm full of crap, and i got a million other problems too. I’m feeling the fury, and I'm about to unleash that fury on some pork rinds and then the toilet. Hee hee. Hoo hoo. Pee pee and poo poo. I’m on fire.
AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH TO HELL WITH IT. I FUCKIN TOLD YOU I WAS ...
2024-09-13 03:28:04 +0000 UTC View Post
Hey look it’s that game I like, Binding of Isaac Smash TV Hades Enter The Gungeon Crypt of The Necrodancer something something. They’re all the same game, but in this one I’m a skeleton. The graphics are cool and the music is rad and I… have… nothing more to say about it.
Let me t...
2024-09-13 03:26:39 +0000 UTC View Post
I’m still spelunking the depths of this Genesis collection. Some of these are classics but there’s more than a few that nobody’s ever heard of. I’m skeptical that some of these are even real games. Like this one. Nobody played this. I’m the first, and the last. Anybody else who even tri...
2024-09-13 03:23:41 +0000 UTC View Post
In the future, there won’t be any more shitty hockey games. Instead we’ll have yearly iterations of this clusterfuck, where people do flips on roller-skates while shooting dual pistols at each other like Drake of The 99 Dragons. Sadly, this game is not Drake of The 99 Dragons. That would be s...
2024-09-13 02:48:56 +0000 UTC View Post
This is Path To Mnemosyne. Don't waste your brainpower trying to figure out how to pronounce it, it doesn't deserve the attempt, it deserves only your contempt. From the moment you turn it on, the only path you're on is a Path To Pain.
The first thing this rotten excuse for a video game te...
2024-09-07 07:52:48 +0000 UTC View Post
Okay it’s Nintendo time! We’re gonna see some Nintendo Games, right? Real games? New games? Real new games, made by Nintendo? Surely it’s not a trick to make me watch a bunch of bullshit. Spoiler: It’s a damn trick.
Where the Hell is Donkey Kong? Where are Peach and Samus and ...
2024-09-07 06:15:21 +0000 UTC View Post
Oh boy it’s time for me to be grumpy at game trailers again! This might be the grumpiest one yet, until the next one. I was bamboozled this time. I thought i was gonna see some Nintendo games, but first i had to sit through a bunch of Indie bullshit, only to find out it there were no Nintendo g...
2024-09-07 04:23:41 +0000 UTC View Post
Things are going swell for me in the parallel universe where I work in AEW. I lost my baggage but found a friend, forming a spooky new tag team with the mysterious kick-man Malakei Black. We lose every match. It’s his fault. He sucks.
You know who else sucks? That’s right, Jungle Boy. I...
2024-09-05 05:45:14 +0000 UTC View PostI haven't watched NXT regularly in at least 9 years. I don’t even know what this show is anymore. Who are these people? What the Hell is a Wendy Choo? Is that a pokemon? And why the fuck is there a guy called Wes Lee? That’s horrible! It stinks! Somebody change thi...
2024-09-05 04:30:03 +0000 UTC View PostRather appropriately for a show that took place in Germany, I don't have any jokes to write here. Just kidding, that was a joke. But it’s the only one.
Gunther might be the world’s funniest German for all I know, but he’s not here for any funny business and neither am I...
2024-09-05 04:20:38 +0000 UTC View PostHold on to your asses cause ALL ASS Wrestling is back in Wembley. It’s been a whole year since Jungle Boy got his ass pounded by Poopsy Phil backstage for dragging his ass in glass, making an ass of himself, and being a butthead, in that order. But all that ass is in the past, we’ve got an as...
2024-09-05 04:14:36 +0000 UTC View Post
Hell yeah. It’s the biggest party of the summer. I deeply love SummerSlam. Always have. It might be my favorite of the yearly wrestling shows. How can I have a favorite when the card is different every year? Easy. It’s the vibes, bro. Don’t you know about the vibes? SUMMERTIME VIBES. <...
2024-09-01 04:47:27 +0000 UTC View PostoOPs I’m a little behind on my wRESTLiNg reviews… time to catch up! Too much wrestling happens now, but its still not enough for me, and it never will be. Too much isn’t too much enough. That’s the way I live my life and that’s the way I watch my wrestle-fights. Hungry, Ravenous for vio...
2024-09-01 04:47:05 +0000 UTC View Post
I don’t care how many accolades this game receives or how much praise it garners, I hate Hidey Games. That’s a term I invented just now for this particular genre. You know the kind, games where the monster is soooo scary they don’t even let you fight it, and make you creep around the ...
2024-09-01 04:46:36 +0000 UTC View Post
Something tells me that in my 10 minutes I've gotten everything out of this game that it has to offer me. Funny robot, nice environment, climbing, floating, falling, cool. This game reeks of 2010s hipsterism and I don’t care for it. Except for the part where you float around with a flower, that...
2024-09-01 04:44:35 +0000 UTC View Post
I don’t care for hockey. Just a bunch of guys in oversized shirts skating around and beating each other up. The skating is lame because everyone is fighting, and the fighting is lame because everyone is on ice skates. Figure skating is less gay than hockey.
The only good thing about...
2024-09-01 04:39:48 +0000 UTC View PostOh crap, it's this again! I hoped I could get a little farther this time. This is technically part 2, but it’s the same first level and I die in the same place as the previous episode. The only thing different is that my commentary is even more frantic and fucked. Increasingly so if i do a part...
2024-09-01 04:35:40 +0000 UTC View Post
What the hell is Grizzland? Well, it appears to be a place you can go to get your Grizz on. In practical terms, a minimalist metroidvania with an atari aesthetic. The little guy sorta looks like the E.T. from the E.T. game, E.T. on the Atari 2600. Not to be confused with Eee Tee fro...
2024-09-01 04:24:03 +0000 UTC View Post
It is time once again, for me to gleefully rave about my Great Diss-Dane for dogs. Thank God for the Resident Evil franchise constantly throwing dog-zombies at me, they know it’s one of my favorite topics to discuss. I love hating dogs more than anyone loves dogs. This is a nation of dog worshi...
2024-09-01 02:08:16 +0000 UTC View Post
OOGA BOOGA! I’m an ugly Goblin guy! Crawling out of the sewer to touch your butts and bite your balls off! Watch out, humans! I’m cumming to getcha!
That’s Styx for ya. At least that’s what I assume Styx to be like. I didn’t pay any attention to his actual dialogue,...
2024-08-31 23:24:50 +0000 UTC View Post
Here's another nostalgic favorite of mine. I didn’t have a game boy, I had a Genesis, and Columns was my Tetris. No wait, I must have had a game boy. I remember Avenging Spirit and Gradius on it. Well whatever, Columns was still my Tetris. In fact it’s better than Tetris...
2024-08-31 23:05:11 +0000 UTC View Post
Vectorman is a defunct relic of the Sega Genesis era and so am I.
This game rules. It ruled then, it will always rule. The fact that it has the sloppiest, floatiest, fuckiest controls in the world does not in any way detract from that fact.
Today’s pampered generation wouldn...
2024-08-30 23:03:38 +0000 UTC View Post