It's Me, Dio ! - Chapter 57

Chapter 57

25 of December

Bran, Transylvania

Dionysos pushed open the heavy oak door and stepped into the medieval kitchen, his disheveled appearance a testament to the night’s debauchery. Scratch marks crisscrossed his chest and arms, mingling with bite marks that still oozed faint traces of blood. His skin bore the unmistakable imprints of rope, red and raw, and his toga was torn and tattered, hanging off his frame in disarray. The lingering scent of sex clung to him like a second skin.

The kitchen itself was a curious blend of rustic charm and grotesque chaos. Wooden beams crisscrossed the ceiling, their dark surfaces blackened by years of smoke, while stone walls were adorned with ancient, rusted cooking utensils. A massive fireplace dominated one side, its embers casting a flickering, eerie glow. The air was thick with the scent of roasting meat and the metallic tang of blood, and the floor was a patchwork of straw and dried gore, remnants of the night’s macabre festivities.

His presence was a stark contrast to the setting, his debauched state making him seem even more out of place. As he sauntered further into the room, his eyes fell upon a small figure seated at a rough-hewn table in the corner.

William, the ancient Vampire Progenitor, sat engrossed in a brightly lit screen showing episodes of Peppa Pig. He munched on a bowl of cereal, seemingly oblivious to the incongruity of his surroundings. Dionysos approached, ruffling William's hair as he passed.

"Hi, kid," Dionysos greeted casually, a bemused smile on his lips.

William looked up, his expression a blend of mild irritation and curiosity. "You know I'm a thousand-year-old vampire, right?" His tone was matter-of-fact, his dark eyes fixed on Dionysos.

Dionysos shrugged nonchalantly. "And I'm not exactly human myself," he replied, grabbing a nearby bottle of wine. He uncorked it with practiced ease and poured a generous amount into a goblet. "But right now, I'm all human in body and soul, if not in spirit."

William's eyes narrowed as he took a sip of his milk. "I did have my doubts," he admitted, a hint of amusement in his voice. He set down his bowl, looking Dionysos up and down. "That explains how you could go all night and days long fucking with… let's see." He began counting on his fingers, listing names with exaggerated drama. "Carmilla, Lilith, Morgana, Isabelle, Seraphina, Laila, Nyx, Selene, Victoria, Elara, Claudia, Esmeralda, Eliza, Vivienne, Fiona, Tatiana, Anastasia, Rosalind, Marguerite, Ophelia, Lucinda, Genevieve, Arabella, Helena, Octavia, Thalassa, Sybil, Rowena, Agatha, Minerva, Persephone, Clytemnestra, Ariadne, Callista, Penelope, Daphne, Electra, Ianthe, Circe, Medea, Pandora, Thalia, Theia, Alecto, Leto, Eos, Phaedra… and how you could drink bottle after bottle of Château Lafite Rothschild, Domaine de la Romanée-Conti, Screaming Eagle, Petrus, Opus One, Penfolds Grange, Sassicaia, Vega Sicilia, Mouton Rothschild, Cheval Blanc, Yquem, Harlan Estate, Krug, Dom Pérignon, Cristal, Salon, Bollinger, Taittinger, Pol Roger, Pétrus, Gaja, Latour, Margaux, Haut-Brion, La Tâche, Lafleur, Ausone, Léoville Las Cases, Tignanello, Ornellaia, Masseto, Almaviva, Clos Apalta, Monte Bello, Schrader, Quilceda Creek, Grange, Penfolds Bin 707, Château d’Yquem, Château Margaux, Château Palmer, Château Angelus, Château Pichon Longueville Comtesse de Lalande, Château Ducru-Beaucaillou, Château Lynch-Bages, Château Pontet-Canet, Château Calon-Ségur, Château Cos d’Estournel, Château Montrose."

William's lips twisted into a smirk. "Not to mention, Julius, Lucius, Caius, Octavian, and Magnus."

Dionysos, unfazed, merely shrugged and poured himself another glass of wine. "Actually, right now, I'm human in body and soul, if not in spirit. So it's just my badassness, not fucking superpowers." He reached for a bowl, poured in some milk, and added a splash of wine before gulping it down with a satisfied sigh.

William watched him, an eyebrow raised in mild disbelief. "You really are something else," he remarked, shaking his head with a mixture of respect and incredulity.

Dionysos grinned, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand. "Takes one to know one, kid," he said, clinking his wine-filled bowl against William's milk.

But then Dionysos frowned. From somewhere in the enormous garbage can, a totally wasted Diogenes, naked from the waist down and with vomit on his T-shirt, staggered out. His eyes were glazed, and he mumbled incoherently as he swayed on his feet. He shuffled past them, barely acknowledging their presence, and disappeared into another room. Dionysos and William kept drinking, unperturbed by the philosopher’s antics. Dionysos hesitated, then sighed deeply.

"Actually, kid, there's something on my mind."

William, sensing the gravity of Dionysos's tone, paused Peppa Pig. His finger hovered over the screen, and the room fell silent. One of the vampire attendants, noticing the sudden stillness, gasped in horror. "The Lord stopping Peppa Pig! The end must be near!" He fled the kitchen, his footsteps echoing down the stone corridor as he screamed dramatically about the end of the world.

Dionysos watched him go with a bemused expression before turning back to William. "I should have gotten back my domain of wine, you know? With so much consuming, not just drinking it, but savoring it and making acts while under its influence that put it to honor."

William tilted his head thoughtfully. "Maybe it's because you didn't produce any," he suggested, his eyes glinting with curiosity.

Dionysos considered this, an idea forming in his mind. Slowly, he raised his hands, summoning his divine power. From the ground, vines began to sprout, their tendrils twisting and turning as they grew unnaturally fast. Lush grapes burst forth, hanging heavily on the vines. Dionysos plucked a handful, the deep purple hue of the grapes glistening in the dim light. He pressed them in his now empty bowl, the juice flowing freely and filling the room with a rich, intoxicating aroma.

He handed the bowl to William, who took a tentative sip. His eyes widened in surprise and delight. "Huh. It's wine. And an amazing one at that."

"Yeah, you see," Dionysos began, but William interrupted, a thoughtful look on his face.

"Maybe...maybe it's because I drank it in the wrong glass?"

"The wrong glass?" Dionysos echoed, puzzled, his brow furrowing.

William nodded, his expression serious. "Yeah. Wine isn't just about the drink itself. It's about the experience. The glass, the setting, the company. Everything adds to the flavor, to the moment. I knew some knights who obsessed over cups and chalices, always saying the right vessel made all the difference."

"Knights, you say?" Dionysos mused.

"Yeah," William continued, scratching his head. "I remember I had a daughter or granddaughter who had a special cup. She swore by it. Maybe it’s still somewhere around here."

"Huh," Dionysos responded, more curious now.

William stood up abruptly, a mischievous glint in his eye. "Come on, Dio! Let's find it!"

Dionysos followed William as he led the way through the labyrinthine corridors of the castle. The deeper they ventured, the more the atmosphere changed. Servants who crossed their path recoiled in fear, their eyes wide with terror at the sight of William walking with purpose and not watching Peppa Pig. Whispers of doom and dread echoed through the halls as they passed.

"He's stopped watching Peppa Pig! It's the end of days!" one servant exclaimed, dropping a tray of dishes in shock.

"Did you see his face? So serious! We’re doomed!" another servant whispered, hurrying past with a nervous glance.

"The apocalypse is upon us! The Lord has ceased his beloved Peppa Pig!" a third servant cried out, sprinting down the corridor, hands flailing in panic.

William, oblivious to the chaos he was causing, marched forward with a determined look. Dionysos could hardly keep a straight face, though he was intrigued by the sense of urgency William exuded.

They finally arrived at a large, imposing door. Behind it, the sound of clashing swords and grunts of exertion could be heard. William pushed the door open, revealing a grand gothic training room. The room was vast, with high vaulted ceilings adorned with intricate carvings of bats and gargoyles. Tall, narrow windows let in slivers of moonlight, casting eerie shadows on the stone floor. Along the walls hung various weapons: swords, axes, and spears, all meticulously maintained.

In the center of the room, the Lord Vampire, tall and imposing, with a stern face framed by dark hair tied back in a ponytail, engaged in a fierce duel with his student, Valerie Tepes. Despite her youth at only sixty years old, Valerie moved with a grace and speed that belied her age. Her long, dark hair flowed like a cape behind her, and her eyes, sharp and focused, never left her master.

"Your stance is too rigid, Valerie!" the Lord Vampire barked, a mocking smile playing on his lips. "You must be fluid, like water."

Valerie adjusted her position, her movements swift and precise. She parried his strike and countered with a flurry of blows that forced him back a step. Her master laughed, the sound echoing through the vast room.

"Better, but still not good enough!" he taunted, effortlessly deflecting her attacks. "You must anticipate, not just react."

Valerie's eyes narrowed, and she feinted to the left before swinging her sword in a wide arc. Her master dodged with ease, but she was ready. From her soul, she drew a strange, glowing golden cup and hurled it at him.

"Huh…I'm not sure this is how you are supposed to fight with the Holy Sephiroth Grail", said Dionysos.

But the cup emitted a blinding light that momentarily disoriented the Lord Vampire. Taking advantage of the distraction, Valerie pressed her attack, her sword a blur of motion. She drove him back towards the wall, but he recovered quickly, his eyes shining with approval.

"Good! Very good! But not enough to defeat me!" he shouted, disarming her with a swift, decisive move. Valerie fell to one knee, panting heavily, but her eyes shone with respect and determination.

The Lord Vampire extended a hand to her, pulling her to her feet with a nod of approval. "Well done, Valerie. You are improving."

As he turned away from her, his demeanor shifted to one of arrogance and authority. "Oh? Guests, who dare disturb the training of Princess Valerie Tepes, great granddaughter of his Majesty the Lord Progenitor...Dracul Williams Mihawk…I meant, Tepes ?"

He turned to face the intruders, his eyes flashing with anger, but as soon as he recognized William, his expression changed dramatically. With a sudden, graceful movement, he leaped into the air and landed in a perfect dogeza, his forehead touching the ground.

"My Lord! We had no idea you had returned!" he exclaimed, his voice filled with reverence and fear. "It has been fifty years since we last saw you. Please forgive our ignorance."

William did not deign to answer, his silence a powerful statement. The Lord Vampire, not noticing, continued his obsequious display. "Oh, Great Progenitor, light of our lives, beacon of our eternal night, forgive us for not welcoming you back with the honor you deserve! Had we known, we would have prepared a feast, laid down the finest silks, and assembled the choir to sing your praises!"

He prostrated himself further, his forehead nearly digging into the stone floor. "Your return is a blessing upon us, a miracle we are not worthy of. Truly, our existence is brighter, our burdens lighter, simply by your presence. Please, allow us to serve you in any way we can. Command us, and it shall be done!"

William finally raised a hand, silencing the groveling Lord Vampire. He turned to Valerie, his great-great-granddaughter, with a playful yet authoritative demeanor. "Valerie, this is my good friend Dionysos, provider of milk and amusement, and thus a friend of the Tepes family."

Dionysos offered a charming smile and a small bow. Valerie's eyes widened in recognition and curiosity.

William continued, a mischievous glint in his eyes. "Even my sixth wife, Anna, who Dionysos... let's say, entertained quite thoroughly, had good things to say about him."

Valerie's eyes grew even wider. "Even Great-Great-Grand Aunt Anna?" she asked in wonder, her voice tinged with awe. He fucked her and survived ? And fucker her…Multiple time ?

Valerie was a strikingly beautiful woman. Her skin was pale and flawless, a stark contrast to her piercing red eyes that seemed to glow with an inner fire. Her short blonde hair framed her delicate, yet strong, features. Her breasts were full and firm, her waist slender, and her hips flared out in an enticing curve. She wore a tight, black leather corset that emphasized her voluptuous figure, and her short skirt revealed long, toned legs.

William nodded, his expression turning serious. "Yes, and now, Dionysos will fight you for the possession of the Graal."

Valerie's eyes flickered with fear, then determination. She squared her shoulders, her resolve hardening. "Yosh!" she exclaimed, her voice filled with newfound courage. She knew that losing the Graal would mean her end, as it was tied to her soul, but she was ready to fight to please her Progenitor.

Dionysos, who had been enjoying the banter, suddenly looked confused. "Wait, what?" he exclaimed, raising his hands in protest. "I didn't sign up for a fight!"

William glanced at Dionysos, his expression unreadable. "You wanted to find the cup, didn't you? This is how we settle things here."

Dionysos laughed madly, the sound echoing through the grand gothic hall. He shook his head, still chuckling as he looked at Valerie. "Alright, kid," he said, addressing the sixty-year-old vampire, "I’ll fight you. But don't worry. I'll defeat you without killing you while taking your precious Graal."

Valerie's eyes narrowed with determination, but Dionysos's words seemed to confuse her. She adjusted her stance, readying herself for the fight. Dionysos, on the other hand, seemed almost casual, his demeanor light and playful.

The young vampire moved first, launching herself at Dionysos with impressive speed. But Dionysos simply sidestepped her attack, leaving her to stumble forward. He reached into his toga and pulled out a flask, taking a leisurely sip before turning back to her.

"Is that all you've got?" he teased, grinning broadly.

Valerie growled, her red eyes blazing as she attacked again, her movements a blur. Dionysos dodged her strikes with ease, almost as if he were dancing.

"Behold, the Rubber Chicken Rhapsody!" he announced, producing a rubber chicken seemingly from nowhere and swatting Valerie on the head. She blinked in shock, momentarily disoriented by the absurdity of the situation.

She quickly recovered, her movements becoming more aggressive and precise. This time, she aimed for his legs, trying to sweep him off his feet. Dionysos leaped into the air, avoiding her strike. As he landed, he grabbed a handful of confetti from his toga and threw it in her face.

"Enjoy the Confetti of Confusion!" he declared. Valerie stumbled backward, her vision obscured by the colorful paper bits. She swiped at the air, trying to regain her bearings.

Valerie, now furious, sprang to her feet and charged at him with all her might. Dionysos sidestepped her once more and reached into his toga for a final time, this time producing a comically large rubber duck. With a swift motion, he threw it at her. The duck let out a loud squeak as it hit Valerie square in the chest, knocking her off balance.

"And now, the Duck of Doom!" he said triumphantly, laughing as Valerie struggled to stand.

Valerie's rage reached a boiling point. "It's…it's the same chicken! It's not a fucking duck!". She let out a primal scream and lunged at Dionysos, her speed and ferocity unmatched. But Dionysos, ever the trickster, was ready. Desperation drove Valerie to one final, reckless charge. She dashed towards Dionysos with all her remaining strength. Just as she was about to reach him, Dionysos did the unthinkable—he quickly turned, unzipped his toga, and peed a perfect stream into her eyes.

"Behold the Golden Shower Surprise!" he bellowed. Valerie screamed, blinded and utterly humiliated, stumbling back and tripping over her own feet. She fell to the ground, gasping and trying to wipe her eyes.

Dionysos stood over her, shaking his head with a bemused smile. "You fought well, Valerie," he said, a hint of genuine admiration in his voice. "But remember, it's not always about brute strength."