Find out what drives you

These past months I spent a lot of time pondering questions of autonomy and earning a living. I thought about the decisions I made and those that just happened to me and why. I thought about where I was and where I wanted to be. I didn’t have an answer to that last question. For a while I lost faith that there could be a place for me that felt right.

Unless we’re talking about creative work. But that doesn’t pay the bills for me.
Something else did. Something else that I am very good at. I know that. I’m a software developer and I built a big and successful product as a one-man team.
But it didn’t feel like much. It just happened. It was just a job.
Yet, I worked very hard. Call it professional work ethics. Or Stockholm-syndrome.
I never thought of what I did in terms of a career.
A career is something central to your life that you actively pursue.
To me that’s what I was doing in my spare-time. I’m a fiction writer. And a game developer. A creative and technical problem-solver with a passion for writing. That’s what I’m best at.

What the hell was I doing with my professional life?
That’s really what it came down to. The past years had lead me into a dead end in my dayjob. As a developer I was treated like a lower-class human where it mattered.
When I had a problem, it was my problem. I trusted the company would look out for me, but they didn’t. I wrote about it here before.
Fool me once, fool me twice. That sort of thing.

So I thought about what I wanted to do for a living.
Creative work doesn’t pay the bills (yet). (See that yet there? Neat trick I learned. Take a negative belief set and turn it into something less of a self-fulfilling prophecy.)
I returned to a creative routine, but I caught myself worrying about money every day. I was going in circles. Darn monkey-brain.

I really like software development. But look where it got me.
There are two sides to every coin. What factors did I contribute that lead into this dead end? Turns out that’s one deep rabbit-hole.

It starts with not being allowed to do something you love, circles around self-worth and drives the ball home over the hills of not taking care of yourself enough.
Trusting strangers to have your best interest at heart, is something you can do. But if they hurt that trust, that’s on you.
It’s your job to take care of yourself, first.
That’s why on a plane in case of an incident, you first put on your own oxygen mask, before you turn to help others. You’re helping no one lying unconcious on the floor.

What gets you out of bed
I read about finding your WHY. At least I read about »Starting with WHY«. Go watch Simon Sinek’s TED talk (link) about this or check out his book (link).

WHY can be the uniting and driving force behind all you try to acomplish. You could call it a purpose. It’s the tangible sum of all the things that stand prove for your deepest believes. (Not talking in a religious sense.)

Sinek’s common example is Apple, whose WHY is empowering people with technology. Giving them the tools to challenge the status quo.
If you share that opinion of Apple or not, it’s clearly a company with strong self awareness.

My example would be Nintendo, the company that revolutionized video games and never stopped innovating. They create family entertainment without compromising their own highest quality standards.
So high in fact that they are measured by different standards entirely.

Knowing your WHY is good stuff. So good that I wanted to find my own.

Another starting point is this.

I read about the japanese concept of Ikigai. (link)
It’s a broad subject that is rooted deeply in the Japanese culture, so that it’s never actually taught. They grow up with it.
It’s maybe a bit like the WHY, but can be many small things.
It’s really what makes you want to get out of bed each day.

It can be as simple as the first cup of morning coffee. That short period of quiet when you stand by an open window and look out into the morning.

It can be a morning walk with the dog or making breakfast for your loved ones.
It can be growing vegetables in your garden.
It may be work-related, but it’s not limited to that.

Now to me that reason to get up is creativity. I get up to write down thoughts and ideas. To capture them before they fade away. That’s when my creative routine begins.
And once I get up from my desk, I know I have done my creative work of the day.
Whatever happens, no matter how the rest of the day goes, that part is safe.

Career, profession and WHY
There are a lot of buzzwords around the subject of ones career. A lot of bullshit-bingo. Whole industries formed around selling goods and services around it.
To me it always felt like something superficial and artificial. Like banner-ads and click-bait. Self proclaimed alphas in suits talking about their careers, throwing more buzzwords around, trying to impress, hoping to increase their business.
I never liked thinking about it.

But at the root of things, there often is something true.
Thinking in terms of your WHY and Ikigai, a career is not your job.
It’s more of the long-term course you take your profession.
Now profession and craft are terms I’m comfortable with.
I was still thinking about what I wanted to do now to earn a living.

Follow my passion? But passions can change, often do and rarely pay the bills.

Do what interests you, what you’re good at and what’s useful?
To me that’s software development, alright.

I was doing the right thing, but in the wrong environment.
This time I will not settle for less. I will take the time I need to find a company and a team that resonates with me.

Pursuing my WHY
Have I found my WHY? Well, I have found *something*.
So according to Sinek I will try to put it into words.

Why?
I believe in the power of stories and that good writing makes a difference.
As human beings we need stories and clear communication.
Stories are rooted in our very core. They are part of us and help us explore and redefine who we are.
Put clear communication on top of that and we can truely understand each other.
We can not only bridge cultural gaps and resolve conflicts, but by reading about our ancestors understand where we came from and better know where we’re headed.

How?
On one hand I write fiction, on the other I write code.
Both have more in common than one might think.
Good writing is precise and reader-friendly.
It puts thoughts in ordered structure and communicates ideas clearly.
So clear in fact that given the right language a machine understands it.

What?
Experiences are the stories we tell ourselves and about ourselves.
I explore and share thoughts, ideas and experiences.
My goal is to communicate them as clearly as I can, even to machines.
I’m a storyteller, a writer and a creative technical problem-solver.

I just happen to earn my living as a software engineer.
I write fiction and make games on top of that. Wanna check them out?