Rough Draft - Suddenly A Succubus Ch. 26
Added 2024-09-10 00:38:40 +0000 UTC(V2) I've made some changes, most of them to th
Comments
I'm all for a good "corruption" story, at least as far as sexual boundaries are concerned. And I definitely want to see Amara's journey as she changes and comes to terms with and embraces her nature as a succubus in hopefully healthy ways. I just want to make sure that she still retains the core of who she is and why she, as a character, is likeable and not just fuckable. And, for me, that is her being a kind, caring, considerate, empathetic person who wants to do right by others, especially her friends. Now, I'm all for honey trapping and hate-fucking would-be rapists for justice! But I really hope, no matter how slutty she gets (and I'm kinda hoping very), she still stays the Amara we and her friends have come to love.
Sturstryk
2024-09-12 22:00:06 +0000 UTCIt's almost like I'm throwing down the gauntlet and revealing the plot structure for the next however many books I'm planning on writing :P
Nyx Nyghtingale
2024-09-10 17:46:15 +0000 UTCOverall, I like the version of the ending where Amara, Tessa, and Vee celebrate their victory. It feels right for them to joke around, but I like the idea of adding another beat or two between Amara's tearful thanks and everyone being snarky with each other. I'm really excited to see what happens next! This may be the closing of one planar portal, but another one just opened, so to speak. At least we knew that the previous portal led to Hell, and our heroes know how to close it (more or less). With this new threat, it feels like anything can happen, and now we need to worry about Amara losing herself to her demonic side. There's still a lot left here to explore.
AFanofRoses
2024-09-10 16:16:51 +0000 UTCYou are right about the typo, that should have read "kneeing". Personally, I've always used dagger and knife fairly interchangeably, but I also know nothing about weaponry. Good point! I'll change this is the final draft. Regarding Vee's thoughts on the transformation, I was mostly trying to show that she was scared of what might happen when he finished the ritual. I can certainly tweak this! (Though, 5% is a bit much... hm...) I actually tried several versions of this line, so I'm more than open to iterating it some more. Honestly, I'm trying pretty hard to avoid Buffy-esque witticisms, but sometimes I want to add in dialogue and I can't quite find the perfect words. I actually didn't notice that all of Tessa's lines ended with period, I normally try to mix up dialogue a bit more. I'll add this in! Regarding Brandon, and Sebastian, I've got a very clear picture of what happened in this chapter. Sebastian even says later that Amara shouldn't have been able to break free. He has cut lines of dialogue that go into more detail about the nature of the binding spell they used, but that dialogue ended up coming too close to revealing a major plot point that I'm holding for later in the series. I'm actually planning on revisiting this detail (Amara breaking free so easily) later on, to give more context to what happened.
Nyx Nyghtingale
2024-09-10 14:22:49 +0000 UTCI completely agree with you on matters of consent. I've always taken great care to show that my characters want what is happening to them, talk about it, and establish safe words. One nice thing about the myth of the succubus is that she exists, in my opinion, for one reason: to flip the tables on men who think they're in control, specifically by using sex. Since this last chapter was so focused on Amara stepping into her demonic nature more than ever before, I wanted to push that to a bit of an extreme. She's pushed into a corner, in a situation she has actively said she wants to avoid at all costs, but then realizes she has the power to flip the aforementioned tables. I wanted to make it *crystal clear* that she's choosing this, and is specifically playing into their hand to make them think they've won, so I'm glad that it was obvious how in control she was. (Plus, by structuring the scene this way, I get to give readers like you a brief "Oh shit" moment as they realize how messed up the bad guys are). And yes, I certainly let myself play into some porn-ier tropes in pursuit of this specific payoff. While I'll always prefer gentle, consent driven, emotional sex scenes, that's not what Amara needs at the moment. She is, after all, a demon, and I always jump at the chance to remind readers that can be legitimately terrifying. As a last note, regarding her changing nature, I'm really hoping people will read this chapter and feel engaged to see what happens next. This is clearly the end of one story-thread, but in future books I get to explore Amara's changing personality even further. In Book Two, her demonic aspects only showed up occasionally, and she was otherwise trying to hold back out of guilt for what happened on Halloween. So, in the future, how will she act when that same guilt is no longer acting as a leash? I think this will give me exciting places to take the story, and it enforces the central theme of the book (Amara's changing identity, who she wants to be, etc).
Nyx Nyghtingale
2024-09-10 14:15:03 +0000 UTCRegarding your thoughts on the ending, it's actually the part I'm most open to tweaking. Sometimes, when I write, I just have to pick a direction and see it through to the end before I can get a feel for how it reads. I wanted to end this Book in a way that mirrored the end of Book One. Back then, we end with Vee on the verge of death, and Amara dreading what she might become. Here, we get to see (mostly) everyone working together, Vee saves Amara, who is taking some steps to really embracing her demonic identity, for better or worse. I also wanted to end the book in a slightly more celebratory and light hearted fashion, but couldn't exactly picture how I wanted that to work. Do you think the ending would work if it were mostly the same, but I added an extra beat or two immediately after the portal closes? Alternatively, I could tweak the whole last portion to be a touch more measured, and end on a slightly more ominous note. (Perhaps by emphasizing the realization that they now face the possible threat of interplanar incursions?)
Nyx Nyghtingale
2024-09-10 14:05:00 +0000 UTCThe nice thing about writing a longer series is that I can take my time with plot elements. I do agree that I didn't show much of the effects of her feeding deeper than she has in the past, but that was mostly on purpose. One of the biggest things I wanted to show in this chapter is Amara's changing feelings about her nature as a succubus. With the deep feeding, she did it on guys she actively disliked, and wanted to take advantage of. Plus, as soon as she finished, she threw them aside and left the room. For all she knows, there could've have been a lot more happening, she just didn't stick around to find out. I've actually got a very solid idea of how this new ability works, and I'm planning on exploring it in more depth later in the series. Glad you enjoyed the chapter! As for Book Three, there won't be any delay before I start it up. Chapter 27 will be live next week!
Nyx Nyghtingale
2024-09-10 13:59:09 +0000 UTCWhile she fed deeper than before as you put it, I didn’t feel like there was really any consequence in her doing so. Like they got a bit tired after she was done but that was it. Still a great finale. I do like that while she isn’t some psycho she is definitely becoming more corrupt in other ways, Amara at the beginning of book 2 wouldn’t have been as eager to be gangbanged. Honestly it’s probably an important step for her to become comfortable sleeping with strangers. A girls gotta eat and she can’t always count on Tessa or Nick being around, like when she goes home for Christmas. How long until the next book is gonna be coming out you think? (Obviously no rush)
Know Map Game
2024-09-10 08:07:09 +0000 UTCThis hit all of the marks I could have wanted from a final chapter within an ongoing series. The bad guys have been defeated. New challenges have arisen. The future is uncertain, but the heroes have won this battle. And this story about demons will release its finale on Friday the 13th! Truly a success on all levels! First, I should say this: I read your stories for the plot and the characters, not for the sex. The sex scenes are well-written, very hot, and promote the consent and safety of everyone involved (which is a huge win for me), but it's not the reason I continue to read your work. However, for a lot of people, especially the readers of Literotica (no shame, we all enjoy our fiction), those scenes are a major pull. With that said, the steamy scene in this chapter was handled so, so well. I'm very uncomfortable reading stories where the woman is forced to do things. When I realized that's what was in store for Amara, I was terrified. And then we learn that Amara has all the power, and the dynamic completely changes. And even that was terrifying for a different reason. It's clear that gaining so much energy, or at least doing it in those particular circumstances, is changing Amara. Or maybe it's only bringing out a part of her that was always there, but either way, she's different. Even though she completely turns the tables and drastically overpowers her rapists (which, fuck them, by the way), she may have lost part of her humanity in the process. Even with all of that aside, when looked at just in terms of the sex, this still feels more tasteful than a lot of other erotic fiction that I've read. It still hits a lot of the "tropes" if you will (no foreplay, no lube, straight to fucking, nobody cares what the woman wants, she should reach orgasm because I'm giving it to her so good, etc.), and therefore may be closer to what readers want in terms of hot, fast-paced action. And even so, it feels so much less gross to me because the story acknowledges that this is how guys act when they don't see women as human, and I'm glad for the reminder of how that behavior is so fucked up. Back to Amara. One point you mentioned was that you wanted to emphasize how much Amara is changing. That came across for me loud and clear. [I’m a succubus, aren’t I? A literal sexual predator? Why shouldn’t I wring these assholes for every drop of energy I can get?] [Something inside of Amara snapped, as if a dam had been built around her inner fire, and she had finally broken through. She didn’t just want to feel everyone cum again, she needed it. She *deserved* it.] [No matter the source of her power, she refused to give in to temptation. Although it took every fiber of her being, she refused to kill Brandon.] I'm still rooting for Amara's humanity to win out over her demonism. With that said, it feels impossible to miss the fact that she's changing. Just a few days ago, she was broken up about the fact that she may need to hurt people. Here, after giving some control to another part of her, she reduces some demon-infested cultists to wet stains on the floor. She let the demon off the leash in this chapter, and it seems to have blurred the line between those two sides of her even more. The worst part about it may be that it could come with a lot of positives. Amara deserves to be more confident. If she gets more physically attractive, more power to her. I'm just worried what might happen if she takes things too far. I know it's naive to hope for a storybook ending, but all I want is for everyone to live happily ever after.
AFanofRoses
2024-09-10 07:50:02 +0000 UTCI only found one error in this chapter, and even that may not be an error. [Her bladed tail glanced off the floor as he jumped to his feet, kneeling her in the stomach.] I always thought it was "kneeing her in the stomach," but I could be wrong. It's already late at night for me, and I wouldn't know how to look this up without ending up on some kind of government watch list. While many of these other ones aren't errors, I think they could use some polish. [. . . her tattoos flaring as she pinned the last of the cultists to the ground, her dagger forcing the demon inside to retreat back to hell.] For some reason, I have trouble thinking of Tessa's knife as a "dagger." I would probably stick with "knife" or "switchblade," but you do you. "Dagger" is certainly evocative. [The spell was almost complete, and as much as Vee hated to admit it, Mr. Wellington’s transformation seemed to be close to finishing as well.] Why would Vee hate to admit that? I think she'd be scared, or terrified, or dismayed, or something other than hating to admit it. I'd go with, '. . . , and much to Vee's dismay, . . .' and then demand 5% of any fame garnered from this chapter. [Amara, her surprise slowly wearing off, jumped to her feet. “Word of advice? Don’t give a succubus an all-you-can-eat buffet immediately after capturing her!”] In the same vein as my thoughts on the ending, this line feels very cheesy-action-movie to me. The rest of Amara's action-y lines feel fine to me, but for some reason, this one feels out of place. But again, that may just be a me thing. [But, surprise surprise, they were a bunch of fuckwads.] This sentence should end with an exclamation mark. If not this one, then one of the sentences in that paragraph should. Having them all end with periods makes loud, curse-aholic Tessa read as weirdly flat. [Is Brandon really that stupid? Would he really repeat the same mistake that gave me the upper hand last time?] Apparently he is. Or Sebastian was stupid enough to make the same mistake as Brandon. I kept expecting there to be a rug-pull where Amara's confidence was undermined and she ended up failing, or she would be met with an unexpected obstacle. But she never was. Maybe the twist is the friends we made along the way. [*That’s right, idiots. Worship this body, it’s all you’re good for.*] She's right, it is all I'm good for.
AFanofRoses
2024-09-10 06:45:23 +0000 UTCThis was everything I could have hoped for. I could go on for a long time about all the thoughts I have about what makes it so good, but I'll separate that into its own comment. I'll try to keep this a little brief and answer your questions / concerns. This *is* a long chapter. It deserves to be. Enough events happen, and each one is given the depth it deserves, that a lot of words are needed to adequately capture the stakes present in this finale. I had no problems following any of the action. From past experience, I may just be more willing to read past things if I don't understand them completely, but I personally felt that I could follow along with the action. Everything feels suitably dramatic to me. The fight scene was more than you've ever written before, both in terms of length and in terms of violence, and I'm so happy with the balance between 'gory action' and 'letting me sleep at night without picturing exactly how horribly maimed each cultist got.' The other graphic scene featuring Amara was also very dramatic, and I have so many thoughts on it (overwhelmingly good) that I'll shove them to another comment to prevent bloat in this one. I did notice Amara becoming more demonic. In my opinion, it's one of the most compelling aspects of this chapter, and I'll expand upon my thoughts on that later. As amazing as this chapter is, I have some thoughts about the ending. As always, I don't want to tell you to change things in your story if you feel they deserve to be in it. This is your creation, and as much as I appreciate that you listen to feedback, I also want this story to be yours, and to go in all of the directions that you want it to go. With that said, the interactions between Amara, Tessa, and Vee that happen after they seal the gate feels really sudden and jarring to me. They just went through undoubtedly the most traumatic night of their lives. Amara could have been sent to Hell along with the demons she just fought, and Vee, the angel who has grown over the course of this book, is the one who ultimately saved her. Amara thanks her with tears in her very human eyes. And within a minute, Amara is clapping back with sarcastic banter, Vee is worrying about blood on her clothes, and Tessa is bitching that her knife was sucked to Hell. I would prefer a little more room between "Thanks for saving me" and "Riiiight, no other reason." As I said, though, my preference shouldn't dictate how you write your story, and if you like it the way it is, that's the way it should stay.
AFanofRoses
2024-09-10 06:22:23 +0000 UTC
![Kem Alkemest [Assetto Corsa Mod]](https://samsuka.com/istorage/14088.jpg)
