Suddenly A Succubus Ch. 45 - Reflection

Look, I know I say this every time, but I had SO much fun writing this chapter. It's one of those chapters (like MANY in this book) that I've been looking forward to for ages. However, unlike some of the other chapters that I've had on my wish list for a while, there were large sections of this chapter that hadn't been intensely plotted out ahead of time.

We start, of course, with a strangely familiar scene. This was, if I can be humble for a minute, an absolute masterpiece of a decision. Eagle-eyed readers may notice that the exact phrasing of this opening paragraph is, more or less, a word for word duplication from the opening lines of the entire series. I've simply swapped a few minor details out because we're following Vee this time instead of Amara.

I give up that shtick pretty quickly, as they're different people reacting to different things, but I really wanted to draw that parallel.

So what's she freaking out about? Well, at first she thinks it's just a weird lust thing, but she's too smart to actually fall for that. It seems like she's got some new feelings she needs to wrestle with, which surely won't be complicated or confusing.

This entire opening scene was a pretty big change of pace for me, and it was incredibly refreshing. Almost every single pairing in this book has been some variation of "platonic friends that happen to be banging." This, however, is not that. It's the first time in the series I've had someone wrestle with honest-to-goodness feelings for another person, and I'm very pleased how it came out. The rationalization, the decisions to hide it, but also the errant thoughts that creep in while she's with Amara.

It's probably fine and super healthy to not speak up about this kind of thing. It's not like the two of them live incredibly chaotic lives that could change at any minute.

Anyways, on a totally unrelated topic, Amara seems to be in much better spirits herself. Vee clearly deserves a hearty pat on the back for her hunch about Amara; getting up into the sky proved to be an incredibly cathartic experience, and she's even willing to go be a person again!

You know who's not doing as well? Tessa.

When we jump over to her, she's once again back in the nearby coffee joint, but this time we get a bit more information about how she's processing Chloé's death, as well as Amara's insinuation that she might still be alive. Tessa was incredibly quick to shook the idea down, yet here she is spending an entire night obsessively pouring over runes and sigils to look for evidence that might support the idea.

Sounds like she's coping beautifully.

Thankfully, both of our emotional wrecks have someone in their corner holding them together. Nick shows up to continue being a bastion of calm, collected, moral support, though his arrival does show how jumpy Tessa is.

As they leave, however, two curious strangers approach them asking about a random student they've never heard of. Yes, these are Chloé's parents, and I get the displeasure of using a single line of dialogue to show just how contemptible they are. This was a tough scene to right, honestly, but I didn't know how far to take it.

It's obviously a pretty personal scene to me, as it's a good person screaming at two transphobes who refuse to accept their daughter for who she is. There are versions of this scene were Tessa goes much further, and says far nastier things, but that level of vitriol didn't feel right to me. The most important things that needed to happen were that Tessa yells at them, calling them terrible people, and that she doesn't reveal that Chloé is dead. It ended up being a bit of a shorter scene than expected, but I'm okay with that.

Another thing that made this scene difficult to write was that I'd originally intended for Amara to be the person running into Chloé's parents, not Tessa. My original intention was that Chloé's parents were going to be yet another thing pushing Amara further into instability, but I kept running into issues when I tried to find a place for that scene.

If it's too early, when Amara's rage is at its peak, I fully believe Amara would end up punching one of them, which isn't a story beat I wanted to happen. Granted, I could just not make that happen, but my fear was that any kind of more muted response wouldn't feel true to Amara's character. The other problem I ran into was that Amara is already SO busy this book. She's yelling at students, she's dreamwalking, she's trying to fly and failing, she's actually flying... you get the picture. Trying to give her yet another scene ended up feeling like a bit too much plot for one person.

As soon as I gave up on giving this scene to Amara, everything fell into place. While we haven't spent as much time in Tessa's POV this book, I like to think I've made it pretty obvious what she's going through.

Her anger at Amara, who's being reckless and not bothering to think of other people's emotions, is creating a wedge between the two of them. Tessa is also dealing with the surprise appearance of her Coven, which has pulled back old feelings of inferiority that Davenport seems eager to remind her of. Tessa is also dealing with the fact that Chloé was a close friend, and she desperately wants her back, but she also blames herself for her death. At least a little. Davenport forced her to accept responsibility, of course, and I never make it clear how much of Tessa's breakdown in that scene was genuine.

My goal, if I can be transparent here, was to stress that her upbringing with the Coven likely drilled quite a few bad habits and coping mechanisms into her. Since we see Davenport blame literally everything that happened on Tessa, it's easy to imagine that this kind of blame has come up before. If I'm doing my job correctly, this also helps explain some of Tessa's attitude from earlier books.

Another thing I need to keep in mind, however, is where the story is going. I knew from the very beginning that this chapter needed to end with Tessa spilling a certain secret to her Coven, and so having an event (like meeting Chloé's parents) push her even further into despair was a very handy narrative tool. Tessa is already at a low point, Amara briefly hinted Chloé is still alive, and Tessa already blames herself for what happened. Now her Coven shows up and, while they're partially huge assholes, they've also offered to literally fix everything on campus, which is certainly a tempting offer for someone who desperately wants to avoid losing more friends. After all, her isolation from Amara means that, when she angrily runs away from her encounter with Chloé's parents, where does she run? Straight to the Coven.

I'll have more to say about that in a bit, but for now it's time to switch scenes.

We're back with Amara again! In stark contrast to last scene (and to the rest of the book, quite frankly) she seems to be doing shockingly well. She's ready to mingle with people and help the Coven clean up, which I consider a pretty big step. I'm also really happy with the narrative callback this presents to Book Two, when Chloé asked Amara to help clean up the palace. I mean, Amara flat out confirms this parallel herself, but I'm still happy I put it in here.

Here she is, yet again blaming herself for a tragedy, and finding a bit of healing in helping repair the fallout from the event. Different context, same vibes.

We also get a very fun line where Imani asks Amara about her martial arts background. It's a very small detail, but I'm consistently amused every time I get to stress that Tessa is a terrible liar. It also points to another small detail that I've been showing to hint at; Tessa isn't really talking to Amara. I've made this contention pretty obvious already, but I like to confirm it wherever possible. Whatever Tessa is up to, she's so upset with the situation that she's not bothering to loop Amara in to whatever shitty lies she tells Imani.

I'm immensely proud of Amara's little interaction with Ruby in this scene. I'm always happy whenever I have a chance to show off the rest of the student body, as I like to stress that more people exist than just our main cast. Am I also biased because Ruby is a hot muscle girl with a dyed mohawk?

I'll let you be the judge of that.

Writing Amara in slightly better spirits is also a huge blast. I love when I get the chance to write her as a sultry, teasing succubus who can read the people around her like an open book. It's something I've barely had any chance to do, as there's been quite a bit of plot these last few books, but I like to think this small moment hints at the person Amara might be if the world could just stop bullying her for a while.

The second half of this scene was also interesting for me. This chapter, from Amara's POV at least, was showing that she is capable of healing with enough time and support. It's a tiny step, granted, and I think only time will tell if it actually sticks, but it's very telling nonetheless.

Another thing I've been struggling with is finding ways to show off the different Coven members. They are, by far, the most detailed and intricate antagonists I've ever written, and it's been a challenge to try and give them all a bit of screen time. Miss Davenport is easy, she's the head of the Coven and I don't need a lot of text to show that she's full of herself. Miss Bishop was relatively easy as well, as she seems to have some kind of personal history with Tessa that goes beyond their presumed dynamic as witch and Coven Head.

Palesa has been a bit tricky. We were able to see a bit of her when Amara found her dream, but this chapter was very much a chance to show her off a it. She's been pretty muted in the past, barely speaking up in group meetings, but here she's much more active and talkative. We see her magic, hear her philosophize on several things, and she even informs Amara about the core tenet of the Coven; that power corrupts, and absolute power corrupts absolutely. My hope was that, through this chapter and her previous appearance in her dream, we've got a somewhat decent understanding of who she is, despite her limited screen time.

However, this conversation also does quite a bit of heavy lifting on Amara's side of things. Earlier in the book, her anger over losing Chloé led to her desperately wanting a thing to punch about. Tessa's Coven was the obvious choice, especially since the first thing they did on arriving was physically abuse Tessa.

After a bit of growing, and a metric fuckton of moral support from Vee, she's finally at a point where she's willing to talk with one of the Coven Heads. Amara has been curious about magic in the past, and I was really excited to see that side of her emerge again as she watches a full-fledged Witch in her prime. Amara and Palesa have a surprisingly fun dynamic, and it was very refreshing to have a chance to write a more chill version of Amara here.

That being said, this scene was pretty different in my outline. The conversation was originally going to be a touch more antagonistic, with Amara even silently gloating about how her fire magic is superior to Palesa's, but obviously I ended up not doing that.

Instead, their talk of fire seems to push Amara towards a bit of introspection. Is it a bit on the nose to have Palesa talking about how fire can heal just as much as it can harm? Maybe, but I think it fits the themes of this chapter. Amara knows fire can be helpful, she's constantly cooking with it, but in my head Palesa's example about fire clearing away rot to give new life a chance to breathe really stuck with Amara.

This is, of course, evidenced by her decision to finally walk over to Chloé's apartment.

But not so fast! We're switching scenes again!

I didn't initially intend for this chapter to be a patchwork of multiple shorter scenes, but after I wrapped everything up, I think it actually fits really well. In my head, I see it as something akin to a montage in a show of a movie. The camera keeps jumping between two moments that, while not exactly related, share a common theme that pulls their events together.

We're back at the Coven's house with Tessa and Miss Bishop. I'm honestly so happy with how their dynamic has come together.

I haven't mentioned this before, but one thing I try to do as much as possible is to make all my characters feel like the protagonists of their own lives, rather than just side characters in someone else's story. I know I'm not always successful with this, but it's something I think about quite frequently as I attempt to keep my main cast dynamic and interesting. In my opinion, Tessa is the best example of this.

She's got all these relationships with other people, her own complicated feelings about magic, and she's got a tragic backstory! I'm honestly trying to write Book Four so that it feels like a crossover with another book series that happens to not exist.

Tell me you can't picture a book series all about the young witch Altessa Blackwood going to magic school. She's freshly enrolled after losing her parents to a horrible accident, and we follow her as she makes friends and enemies while attempting to learn more about magic and the universe. One of the Coven Heads, Miss Gautier, seems to hate her and opposes her at every turn. Another, Miss Bishop, becomes a pseudo-parental figure and offers kindness and support to Tessa as she tries to figure out who she wants to be. After several books of slightly smaller conflicts, Tessa finally causes too many problems and Davenport assigns her to Aurelius University as a way to get rid of her. There, Tessa's world continues to grow and expand as she stumbles upon a strange magical conspiracy on campus. One of her friends suddenly starts turning into a demon, one of them ends up being an angel, and they have to try and work together to stop a cult!

Then, when the Coven comes back, it's a fun callback to all the time we spent with Tessa at the Coven Academy. We have all these complicated character dynamics already, so we don't bother with lengthy explanations about who feels what about who.

Now, that book series doesn't exist, but it sounds like it could be pretty compelling, no? That's the kind of thing I mean when I try to picture everything I write from a different perspective. My hope is that Tessa feels fully fleshed out, and she could easily have her own life that's interesting and varied even had she never met the main character of this book.

Tessa's dynamic with Miss Bishop is my favorite example of that. They've clearly got history together, but I never go into what it is. Instead, I focus on them having soft, tender moments.

Plus, I love their dialogue at the start here. Talking about the Plane of Soap, Mr. Clean, I think it's wonderfully hilarious and it adds so much levity to a scene that's otherwise pretty grim. One thing that I'm very grateful to Miss Bishop for is that she gives me a chance to show off Tessa's vulnerable side, which we've only just started getting hints of with Nick.

We see her openly admit how much she misses Chloé, even asking Miss Bishop is there's any way Amara could be right. She's clearly shaken after having run into Chloé's parents earlier, and that was very much intentional on my end.

See, as much as I love Miss Bishop, something's going on here. Once they start talking about closing the Gate, suddenly she's stammering and pointing out that something on campus is interrupting their readings. She asks Tessa is she's aware of any magical creatures on campus, and wouldn't you know it, Tessa is currently in the middle of being extremely angry at Amara.

She doesn't cave instantly, to her credit. She still wants Amara to be safe, but her guilt over Chloé has been consuming her ever since last night. This whole book I've been trying to stress two things; that Tessa is growing distant from Amara, and that Tessa trusts Miss Bishop. Here, those two facts collide as Tessa makes a pretty weighty decision, one that could possibly have pretty dramatic effects.

She tells Miss Bishop about Amara and Vee's true identities.

In my original draft, Miss Bishop talked much more here. She had questions about Amara, about how exactly she was a demon. Like, is she just being possessed? Oh, no, she's an actual demon, which is far worse (at least from the layman's perspective). And Vee's an angel? That's massive!

In the end, however, I wanted to keep the focus squarely on Tessa's emotional journey. Miss Bishop says practically nothing, instead recognizing how hard it is for Tessa to admit the truth, and they embrace while Miss Bishop assures her she did the right thing.

I sure hope the Coven isn't up to anything, as they've got some pretty serious information now.

The last scene I honestly don't have as much to say. I think it pretty much speaks for itself. Amara is finally ready to face Chloé's death, and they visit her room to look around. I had a lot of fun describing Chloé's room, but also giving Amara an appropriate outfit that feels suitably nerdy. Plus, referencing the Queen of Blades is a cute reference to the conversation Amara and Chloé had near the end of Book Three.

Once they finish up in Chloé's room, Amara decides she wants to say something, but sadly Palesa is still hogging the quad. At Vee's suggestion they instead head to the Lysander Circle. It's not literally where Chloé's last moments were, but it's representative.

I'd originally intended for these last speeches to be a bit longer, but that ended up not happening. Amara's not much of a monologuer, and I think the slightly shorter speeches make more sense. Vee's is even shorter, but I think they both say what's important to them. Chloé mattered, they miss her, and they're going to carry on in her memory.

And that's that! Next chapter is Chapter Seven of Book Four, which surely will have nothing dramatic happen. It's not like I use the middle chapters of my books to introduce big swings that change the nature of the plot moving forward, or anything.

Nyx ♥