The Worst Week of My Life | Life Update (Long)

Hi everyone,

Some of you may have noticed that I have deviated from my YouTube posting schedule a bit recently. There's a reason for that: My boyfriend and I will move out of our summer apartment on Friday, and we decided to take a three-hour road trip before parting ways for another year. He will return to campus, and I will return home until we reunite next summer (and sporadically during academic breaks). 

"I let my guard down."

We left Monday morning and arrived safely. We planned festivities for Tuesday—a trip to a local museum, dinner at a Hibachi grill, and an evening Broadway performance. But on our way to the museum, we got into a car accident.

No one was hurt. The damage was significant but not unrepairable. The driver of the other vehicle involved was understanding. The policeman was kind and helpful; he did not even give my boyfriend, the driver, a ticket.

But I was a wreck. I sobbed and sobbed. For those who do not know, despite having my license, I have an intense fear of driving and riding with new drivers. I was extremely anxious during the three-hour drive because my boyfriend, who only began driving alone in May, had never driven that long before. But because we had gotten to our hotel safely, I let my guard down. I did not expect to be involved in my first car accident the next day.

I cannot describe how unbearable the anxiety felt. Really, I can't. I have struggled with anxiety since my early teenage years, but this anxiety is of the worst I have ever experienced. I've grown used to the low-grade, persistent anxiety that seems innate within me, the kind that surfaces when I talk to strangers, visit a new place, or walk through a crowded grocery store. But this anxiety was different. Adrenaline pumped through my veins for hours. Hours. I could not let it go. Once everything was cleared up with the other driver and police, the anxiety about the accident itself (mostly) subsided. But my boyfriend, albeit shaken, insisted that we could still make the three-hour trip back to our summer apartment, despite my car's bumper being destroyed and detached.

My mind flooded with worries:

Could he make the trip after having been involved in his first car accident as a relatively new driver? Would the pressure be too much for him? Would he freak out and swerve into another vehicle on the highway? Would the front of my car, which the policeman and an auto repairman hastily "bandaged" back together with police tape and zip ties, fall off as we're going 60 mph? Would we... die?

My boyfriend was shaken up at first, but after the initial shock, he was able to calm down. Me? I was broken. I could not shake the feeling of dread, even during the Broadway performance that night. (We ride-shared there.) I cannot possibly express how horrible I felt. The thoughts are not what made the anxiety so unbearable; my body's physical reaction caused most of the suffering. The tight chest, shortness of breath, dizziness, stomach cramps, the nausea. God, the nausea. I woke up that night, last night, crying and dreading the trip home.

In the end, we made it home safely. Slowly but safely. 

"I almost called an ambulance..."

This is not the only time during the past week that I was flooded with adrenaline for hours. Last Wednesday night, my boyfriend came back so drunk. No one in my family drinks alcohol—the one person that did passed away due to chronic alcohol abuse—so I had no idea what is considered normal drunk person behavior and an emergency. 

After my boyfriend's friend dropped him off, my boyfriend stumbled into bed and fell asleep very quickly. Too quickly. He could not even remove his clothes. He could not talk coherently, and he was very difficult to wake. I took the necessary precautions from Google (keep him awake as long as possible, lie him on his side, keep him hydrated, monitor his breathing), but I was so, so scared. At one point, I almost called an ambulance because I thought that he was dying from alcohol poisoning. But his friend reassured me over the phone that he was fine, just very drunk. Still, I barely slept that night, listening for any change in breathing and keeping him on his side. I had an anxiety attack that night. I shook violently and felt faint. The next day, he woke up with a massive hangover but was otherwise fine. I, having slept two hours and sobbed all night, was not fine. I spent the whole day recovering, even though he was the one with the hangover.

Note: My boyfriend does not often drink as much as he did that night. This is the second time that he has gotten that drunk, and the first time was when he first tried alcohol. He was very apologetic and regretful and understood that he put me in a tough and frightening situation. He does not drink often, and I am certain that he does not have a drinking problem. 

Living With Anxiety

I'm going on a tangent, aren't I? The point is, I freak out often and very easily. I'm usually a little anxious or very anxious, and when I do feel calm, it is when I am tucked away at home. As mentioned, I've been anxious since I was a teenager, and while it has not exactly worsened with age, I am growing tired of living in a constant state of fear. Though I've not been diagnosed, I strongly believe that I have Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD) and Social Anxiety Disorder (SAD). Actually, I'm certain. I've been to therapy, but each of my visits were seemingly just crying and venting sessions. That was back when my university offered therapy for free, but I'm good and graduated now. Yesterday night, after having suffered through the aftermath of the crash for hours, I searched for psychologists in my area and discovered that therapy, even with insurance, is not cheap. I can't afford sessions with a psychologist right now, so I downloaded an app that is based on cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) that claims to help users reframe their negative thoughts. It's called CBT Thought Diary. So far, it's very helpful.

Other ways that I've decided to address my anxiety is by limiting the amount of triggering media that I consume. Triggering media has exacerbated my anxiety and distorted my worldview, leading me to fear new situations and people. I rarely watch the news, and I've muted triggering words on my social media feeds for this reason.

Also, I tend to get too immersed in tragic fictional media, and each triggering scene deeply affects me. For example, I'm very aware that a woman on screen has not actually been burned alive and that her skin is not actually charred and peeling. But my body responds as if the image that I'm seeing is real—and I cannot control that. And I internalize images such as this and incorporate it into my worldview unconsciously. It's a burden, but this is who I am. This is one of many difficult traits that we Highly Sensitive People have to deal with.

I used to be (two days ago) an avid watcher of true-crime documentaries and series such as Law and Order: SVU, but honestly, I think these types of media caused my generalized anxiety, or at least hastened its development. Once upon a time, I was not afraid of my family and friends spontaneously dying. I remember reading about GAD in my high-school psychology class and thinking, Nah, that's not me. I'm only anxious in social situations. But after I began watching a show called 911, I began to panic when my parents would not answer their phones. And I grew more afraid to leave the house and try new things because anything could happen. 

Note: I worry about much, much more than spontaneous death. This is just the first of the things that I began to worry profusely about besides social situations. I'm simply making a connection between the emergence of my GAD and my indulgence in triggering series such as 911. Since then, the scope of my generalized anxiety has widened to other aspects of my life, such as my relationships, health, and future. 

I've been watching TV-14 dramas instead recently. They're so refreshing.

What's next?

This past week has been nothing short of traumatic (in my opinion), and I can honestly say that it has been the worst week of my life. I have lived a very privileged and sheltered life, and now, three months into post-grad life, I'm beginning to experience the woes of adulthood. Obviously it could have been a lot worse, and I will likely go through worse. But yesterday night really felt like rock bottom. 

I'm OK now. As mentioned, my boyfriend and I made it to our apartment safely. We are shipping my car home Friday morning and flying home that afternoon. We had a nice lunch, and I was able to finally breathe since the accident yesterday. I feel much better. Unfortunately, I will likely not post again until early next week when I'm settled at home. I'm really looking forward to recording again. 

I hope your week has been better than mine. Thank you so, so much for being here. I know that I have not been posting to this tier much recently, but I assure you, I will post an outfit photo as soon as I'm home. I planned to wear something nice to Broadway last night and snap a photo of my outfit, but I was so worn out after the crash that I threw on my go-to black sundress instead. Thank you for being patient.

I'm going to have a cupcake now. Enjoy the rest of your day/night! ☺️

P.S. I will answer your direct messages as soon as I am feeling 100% again. Thank you for understanding. I'll chat with you soon!

- Moon ☾