CHERRY BLOSSOMS // Revisited // Cherry Blossoms // 1.3

The headache was intense. Not electric and sharp and stinging, but slow and steady, an omnipresent thud that beat rubber hammers against the back of her eyes with her pulse.

But she was in his arms and that made up for everything. What in the world had she said last night? She remembered some of it. It was a little foggy, a bit like a dream, but it was real. All those things happened. She’d said something horrible. Admitted something that had weighed on her more than she realized. Geoff had gone crazy too, and he hadn’t even been drinking. And he did anal. Eleven years together as a couple and they’d never had better sex. She shook her head and sucked her lower lip into her mouth.

She was awake in bed, Geoff’s arm around her and she’d clutched his hand to her chest. Geoff breathed against her, and lightly snored. They’d been married now for almost ten years, and she’d known him for thirteen. Never a fight, never a bad word. Geoff was her pussycat. Her infidelity was the only thing that had ever gone wrong between them. More wrong than Geoff even knew.

She stroked his bare forearm with the back of her long burgundy fingernails, back and forth, petting him. When he came awake, the very first thing he did was pull her tighter to him, hug her to his chest. She closed her eyes, so happy that she could be forgiven. She squirmed in his arms, let him hold her tighter, and pressed her back against him and tilted her head so he could get his face next to hers.

“I love you so much, Geoff,” she whispered.

Geoff’s hand came up and held her neck, and he pushed his face against her cheek. He breathed deeply and the sound so close to her ear made her heart sing. Her hands gripped his forearm.

“I love you more than anything, Nia. I love you so much.”

The sun came in their window, streamed through the lace, and it made the room seem so safe and warm. The way Geoff held her, despite some horrible truths, it was like they were on the doorstep of something new.

“Hey, we’re naked,” she said. Geoff’s soft penis squashed against her bottom, his pubic hair scratching back there too as they spooned in their bed.

“Mm, we are,” he sighed.

“We’ve never had sex like that before,” she said, her nails working along his arm again.

“You liked it.”

“I know. It was so hot, Geoff.”

“I’m so embarrassed. I can’t believe I said some of those things.”

“Me too,” she whispered. She wanted to talk, wanted to talk about sex, but not about the bad she’d done. She wanted him to forget that. Forget her truth that brought that filth from his mouth.

“I’m sorry, baby,” he said.

She winced from the pounding in her head, turned to him, saying, “No, I mean, I can’t believe I said some of those things.”

Geoff said, “It was hot. It really hurt. But, wow, yeah, that was incredible.”

She put her hand up to her collar, wiggled the tips of her fingers at him over her shoulder. She said, “Please rub my back, Geoff.” Anything to steer it away from her confession. She needed to move on from that.

Geoff’s hands came up and his fingers dug into her muscles there along her neck and into her back. Her head eased into the pillow, stretched herself out so he could work his thumbs into her. Geoff had magic hands. His long fingers, masculine but somehow elegant, eased the pounding, loosened some of the tension.

She said, “Did we do it again? Up here?”

He kissed her shoulder, told her, “No. Almost.”

“I didn’t think so.”

“Way we were going last night, you’d remember if we did.”

“We both said some dirty things.”

“We did some dirty things too.”

Geoff was quiet, and that meant he was thinking. His hands continued to work, but his touch seemed tentative. He sighed. “So, you cheated on me.”

She bit her lip, looked out across the bedroom and out the window. “I did.”

“Why?”

“I don’t know. It was a long time ago.”

“Didn’t you care about me?”

“Of course, Geoff. It wasn’t . . . like, I mean, it was really just sex.”

“Ouch.”

“Wouldn’t you be glad that it had nothing to do with wanting to be back together with him, or wanting to see if I still had feelings, or because I loved him? I had zero feelings for him.”

“No. Yes, I mean it’s better, but it doesn’t make it much easier.”

She rolled around to him and his arms went around her. Her fingers went through his beard and she looked into his eyes. “Geoff, it was a long time ago and I swear it never, ever, even once ever came close to happening again. I tortured myself over it for so long. I know. I know how awful it was, how terrible I am. I knew it was wrong. I mean, that it was a mistake right away. And after, I knew how much I loved you. Fuck, it made me feel like I wanted to hurt myself, you know? That’s when I knew how much you meant to me.”

“Don’t hurt yourself.”

“Would you respect that I don’t want to talk about it anymore?”

“I don’t know.” Geoff’s face was firm but troubled. She kissed his lips.

She said, “I feel like there was a lot of positive last night. But if we focus on the negative, and it can’t be changed, we’ll miss out on something amazing.”

He kissed her forehead, then closed his eyes. “There was a lot of honesty last night.”

“There was.”

“I’m okay with all the things you said…”

“I’m okay too. With what you said.”

“I can move on. As long as we keep being honest.”

“I like that. I can do that. I can be honest while you rub my back.”

He rolled his eyes, said, “Okay, turn around.”

“Geoff, really,” she said, turning herself around next to him and snuggling her back up against him again, “I feel so amazing about last night. I mean, really excited. I feel like we’re about to start something new, you know? Something great.”

“Well, can I ask you something?”

His hands started working her again, easing that throbbing pain out of her muscles. She said, “Yeah, fire away.”

He paused, like he was building up nerve, finally saying, “Uh, was Dino the biggest one you’ve ever had?”

“Really, Geoff? That’s how you want to kick this off?”

“If I’m being honest, yeah. Yeah, I do. Because it’s something I’ve thought about a lot.”

“Are you kidding?”

“No. It bothers me. Not knowing bothers me. Does that make sense?”

“I don’t—I guess so. You think about that?”

“A lot. Like, worry about it.”

“What would you worry about?”

“Fuck, I’m not sure. It’s weird and obsessive, I know.”

“It’s okay.”

“Well? Like, how big was the biggest?”

“I don’t know. How big was the biggest? It doesn’t work that way. It’s more vague. Like, there’s small, medium, large and extra-large. There’s XXL too, but I’ve never seen one of those. You just hear about them from other girls. Probably just XL and they’re exaggerating.”

“You don’t think they exist?”

“Girls like to brag about their males. Not because they’re proud of them, but they like to hurt other women with how male their male is. How much money he makes, how big he is, how good he is in bed. They like to make other women jealous. Show them their own value by the masculine quality of their male.”

“Very primitive.”

“Isn’t it? We can put on silk and lace, and work an iPhone, drive a car, but we’re just animals. Men and women.”

“So no one was the biggest?”

“I guess Dino was my XL. My biggest.”

“How big?”

“Mmm. Like, if I was giving him a hand job—” she turned, put her hand on his lower belly, moved it up to his navel, “—it would come up past here.”

“Oh. Really?”

“Yeah, it was a nice one.”

“Okay. I don’t want to know anymore.”

“You ask me and I’ll tell you.”

“No more secrets.”

“No more secrets.” She saw something in his face, and had noticed something below—a mild arousal. His flaccid cock was looking plump when she’d shown him how big Dino was. “No secrets?”

Geoff nodded his head, agreeing.

“Okay. Does this talk arouse you?” His eyes darted away, and it gave away the answer. She patted her palms on his bare chest, saying, “It’s okay. Don’t answer. Not judging. Ask me something else.”

He nodded again, his eyes drifting, his mouth firm, not saying anything.

She said, “Baby, it’s not about penis size. And I’m totally in love with your dick.”

Geoff made a mock expression of pride and she smiled at him, glad to see him with his humor back.

She said, “Penis size is silly. As long as it works, gets nice and hard . . .”

“It matters though, somehow.”

She put her chin on his chest, said, “Well, it’s hot if a guy has a big one, but . . . ”

“What?”

“It’s not necessarily better, really. Sometimes it can hurt. If he doesn’t know what he’s doing. The worst is a guy with a big dick who can’t stop talking about his big dick.”

“What’s the best?”

“Best what?” she asked.

“What would be the hottest combo? If you were to make a fantasy man in a lab.”

“Oh. Personality, number one. Humor. Sense of humor. I like arrogance. Ooh, I like toxic masculinity. A big, burly guy, funny, driven and decisive, but an asshole with a big cock, good in bed, gets hard quick.”

“Sounds just like me.”

“Baby, you said fantasy. They don’t exist. Personality, number one, that’s you. I love you so much, Geoff. And everything else you’ve got is pretty great too. I like your cock, I really do.”

“Am I good in bed?”

She whispered, “That was hot last night, wasn’t it?”

“But before last night?”

“It was fine, baby. I never thought you were not good in bed.”

“But last night—you want more of that?”

“Don’t you?”

“Shit. Yeah, I do.”

She said, “Well, shit, yeah, I do too.”

“You screamed like a demon when you came last night.”

“That was real. You did that to me, Geoff.”

“Did you like that?” he asked, smiling.

“Oh fuck, did I.”

Geoff rolled over onto his back and she wriggled into the space under his arm. He said, “You think your new boss Rocco has a big one like his brother Dino?”

“You need to stop talking about other men’s cocks.”

“You don’t think that’s sexy?”

She laughed, then frowned, and shook her head no.

“I guess it’s not, is it?”

“No.”

“Your fantasy man wouldn’t talk about other men, would he?”

She shook her head and giggled. “He smashes other men, knocks them out with his big, huge cock, swinging it around like a weapon held in one hand.” She pulled the sheets down, pinched his cock at the base between middle finger and index finger and started whipping it like she was hitting imaginary opponents. “Pow, pow,” she said.

“I wouldn’t knock out too many men with this, would I?”

She laughed, “It might sting them a little.”

“You should write a kid’s book, you have an imagination.”

She was laughing at that when the door opened and they both jumped. Geoff grabbed the sheets and snapped them up. Odele stood in the doorway. Nia’s hand snatched up out from under the covers and she ran it through her hair oh-so-casually. Geoff chuckled, making the bed shake.

Nia said, “Good morning, sunshine, come here,” she waved her over with both her arms out, her hands clawing the air and drawing their daughter closer to them. She sat up in bed with the sheets tucked into her armpits, covering herself up.

Odele stood smiling in the doorway, a Little Book of Choo tucked under her arm. She looked at them knowingly. She swayed her shoulders like she was dancing and she chewed a lock of her own hair held up between her fingers. Then she hopped and jumped and climbed on all fours up between her mommy and daddy, her book falling onto the bottom of the bed.

“Let’s just get under the blanket, okay, sweetie, stay on top of the sheets,” Geoff said.

“Okay, Dad,” she said. Again Nia couldn’t help thinking this little girl knew why. Odie was a crafty one.

“How was your sleep, O?” she asked her once she got herself settled between them. Nia adjusted her sheet, tightened it up under her arms so she was covered. Saw Geoff doing the same and winked at him. His smile broke through his beard.

“It was good, Mom,” she said, and she had her dad’s book up on her stomach and she cracked it open and she looked at all of her father’s cheery drawings of trains and train stations and tourists and workers, commuters. Geoff’s work was very distinct in his attention to detail.

“Guess what, Odie,” she said while her daughter kept reading and flipping. “That handsome guy right there said he’s taking the day off work and we’re all going to go have fun today. All three of us.”

Odele’s face went wide and her little pouted lips peeled to a smile. She was such a daddy’s girl. She dropped her book and turned to Geoff and she put her arms around him. Geoff smiled and she sensed a warm glow of love wash over him as his daughter wrapped her arms around his neck at the thought of spending the day together out of the house.

“I said that?” he laughed.

“I need you, Geoff,” she said earnestly.

“The day off? I have so much to do.”

“I need you, Daddy,” Odele said, and she saw her daughter’s arms flex as she squeezed her dad tight.