So Here's The Deal

I genuinely don’t know how to start this but I’m going to try my best.

I’m sorry for not being around this month. I started the month with really bad respiratory issues which affected my voice so I made it my goal to feel better before I tried to work. Then a week became two weeks and then two weeks became three weeks and I only got sicker and my voice only got worse. I’m currently still sick as I type this. I didn’t spend November out living my best life, I spent all month bedridden and unable to breathe. I kept expecting it to get better and it didn’t, which only made my anxiety about letting you all down worse and worse. I know from the outside in, it probably feels like things keep coming up and I can understand why that’s frustrating because I myself am frustrated with how erratic my life has been throughout the last few months.

Last year around this time, I started to get really burned out. Yeah, we’re going to talk about burn out. Burn out happens to everyone who is a creative. I recently got tattooed and even my tattooer told me he’s gotten burnout and how he’s dealt with it. There are a lot of creatives out there who are probably pumping work out left and right and I promise you it will happen to them because it happened to me. When I started Patreon, I recorded about 40 audios a month consistently for about 2 and a half years. I could record 6 audios in one sitting, like seriously, I was on my shit. I didn’t really care about the quality of the work, I just loved recording so much so I recorded a ton. Then suddenly, one day I sat in front of my microphone and the words wouldn’t come out. I felt ashamed and dumb so I tried to power through it, expecting it to just go away, like something I could swallow. But the more I tried to power through it, the worse it got.

I found myself stumbling where I once could run with ease. I decided a shift in quality would make me feel better about the work. I tried to change how I recorded, my equipment, I got an editor. I came back ready and excited to record, with a newfound passion. In fact, I think the audios I released in September and October are some of my very best audios ever. Seriously, if you haven't listened to them, especially the sleep play remaster, you really should. That one in particular is one of my favorite audios I've ever recorded. But, unfortunately, that couldn't last. While my passion for recording came back and my burnout faded, real life made demands on me that I couldn't ignore.

I have someone in my family who is terminally ill and who I help take care of. This person is unable to walk and eat most days so I found myself dedicating most of my time to them and taking care of them as their caretaker but also as their financial support. I love recording audios so much. I get so excited to hear if you guys like the work whenever I post something new. I love making you all feel good. But something else that all of you afford me is being available for my family when they need me. It’s the thing I’m most grateful for because it has allowed me to be the foundation for my family throughout the tough time we are currently going through.

But it feels like when I prioritize IRL M, heartdamage suffers. Then when I prioritize heartdamage, IRL M suffers. It’s become so clear to me that if I don’t prioritize IRL M, heartdamage will probably cease to exist. I feel like things happen in the universe for a reason and I truly believe I got sick this month so I could finally have enough time to myself that I stop swallowing the hard shit and trying to power through them. Right now I’m at a crossroads. It’s a crossroads that has shouted inside my head for months but that I kept shoving down. I either have to take a break, a proper break, and reset or I will quit doing audios all together.

So I will be taking December off. I don’t know what January will look like but if I need to take that off, I will let you all know at the end of December. But I am tired of powering through things and I’m tired of letting you all down. I need to put heartdamage in a box and put that box in the back of a closet because the pressure I feel every single day I am heartdamage just contributes to the burnout, which is a big elephant in the room. And, besties, it's really hard to be sexy with an elephant in the room. Believe me.

I have so many audio ideas I want to do and so many audios I want to publicly post but I just can’t do this right now. I still can’t even breathe properly, my family member is going to need heart surgery so that’s something else that’s going to pull my time and attention away from this for the next few weeks.

So that's where I am right now. I will not be pausing Patreon for December for a few reasons.

First, whenever I've paused in the past, a lot of you have told me you want to help and support me. I can't tell you how much I appreciate that, and rather than have to have people find creative ways to do that, I'm just going to leave Patreon up and running.

Second, I have a HUGE library of audios posted here for you to enjoy, and I think that library is more than worth $5 or $15 dollars a month for you to go back and revisit and enjoy. I'm proud of my work, and I think it stands on its own.

Third, this is my job. It's how I support myself and a big part of how I help to support my family. So consider this me taking a little paid vacation. After almost 4 years of working continuously, I feel ok asking you for that.

If you choose to deactivate your subscription, despite this, I completely understand. Thank you so much for the support you provided me and for even checking out my work. I plan to be back and when I come back, I hope you will be willing to check out the awesome new content I create.

Regardless, though, I want you to all understand how much I love doing this and how much I love being heartdamage and how thankful I am that being heartdamage has allowed me to take care of myself and those I love. I'm taking this time because I want her to come back and be everything I know she can be. And I want to share that with you.

Until then,
M