Jakaali Cookin'

My latest pinup was inspired by one of my patron's Character Q&A questions which I'll include below.

Hope you enjoy it!

One reader asked the Jakaali Chef to share some of his favorite recipes:

Ah, Oui! I am so very glad you ask.

I have many delicacies in my repertoire… choosing a favorite… c’est difficile! 

Most often encountered by ze novice chef here in ze Delve, we have ze Human Rogue. Zey are prone to sneaking away from ze parties, and can be taken quite easily in ze old “faux treasure” trap!

Ze rogue is generally a very lean cut of meat, with little fat, and yet, ze flesh remains supple and tender… almost, how you say? Dextrous!

One must be careful in ze preparation of ze Human Rogue, as zey are fond of hiding things in tricky places… knives… lockpicks… poison vials. You must be very, very thorough in ze cleaning phase, even once ze outer clothing is removed. I suggest having ze sous chefs perform a most exhaustive search of ze rogue’s body. Leave no orifice un-probed… Ze deeper, ze better!

Once ze rogue has been properly prepped, we must decide how best to serve her!

Ze old standby is, bien sûr, au naturale!

For zis, we simply shave ze rogue between ze legs, and massage ze area liberally with ze mint oil. Or, if you wish to spice things up a bit, you may use ze hot pepper oil. Zis has ze effect, not only of providing a bit of heat to ze dish, but also teases ze most delightful whimpers from ze raw rogue as she is being served. A sprig of parsley behind ze girl’s ear, and an apple in her mouth, et voila! She is finished!

For presentation, I recommend binding ze rogue in ze kneeling position, presenting ze freshly-oiled derrière to its best advantage. Zis gives ze hungry patrons ze option to more fully enjoy her before zey begin ze feast.

If, instead, you wish to prepare something a bit more challenging, you may attempt ze Rogue Cordon Bleu! Zis is rather tricky, but suits ze tender flesh of ze rogue quite well.

Traditionally, one must first fill ze rogue with cheese, as much as she will hold. I prefer to use a well-aged rat-milk brie, which, with ze use of one or more oiled spoon handles, can be inserted into ze rogue in sufficient quantities to moisten ze flesh during ze cooking process.

Once she is well-stuffed with ze cheese, we must introduce her to ze secret ingredient! For zis, I recommend fresh ork, if you can find one, but any goblinoid will do in a pinch. Simply place ze freshly-cheesed rogue, bound in presentation position, and then lead a well-sized ork into place behind her. Ze ork’s natural instincts will take over, and he will add his own stuffing of ze finest bacon-vert! Once ze rogue is filled completely, a deft stroke of ze knife will seal ze deal, so to speak! One may discard ze rest of ze ork or save what is left of him for some other dish.

Now that ze rogue is fully prepared, it is simply a matter of breading and roasting her. One must move quickly to sear ze rogue properly, sealing in ze juices! Pay no mind to ze rogue’s complaints as you pop her into ze oven. If she knew how good she will taste when you are through with her, she would be thanking you!

Bon Appétit!