IBHJ 1325

"I'm home." Artoria slipped off her white heels at the entrance, only to be greeted by Mordred chasing Arcueid around the living room with her sword drawn.

"I'm going to end you! You're dead!"

Arcueid dodged around the furniture, laughing even as she fled. "But I played my part so perfectly! Why are you trying to murder your own mother?"

"Shut your mouth! Stop running so I can stab you properly!"

"Yeah, right. Only an idiot stands still when someone's swinging a sword at them."

Artoria stood frozen in the doorway, pointing at the chaos. "What on earth is happening here? Is Arcueid bullying Mordred again?" Her gaze shifted to the corner where Shirou sat huddled against the wall. "And what's wrong with you?"

He rocked back and forth, muttering under his breath. "Not a trafficker... not a criminal... please don't call the cops..."

"Artie, you missed the show." Scathach popped another sunflower seed into her mouth, thoroughly entertained.

"What?" Artoria blinked in confusion.

As Mordred took another swing at Arcueid, who gracefully vaulted over the couch, Artoria scanned the room more carefully. "Speaking of which, where's my sister? Where's Morrigan?"

"Oh crap!" Kama's hand flew to her forehead. "I completely forgot!" She bolted toward Morrigan's room.

Artoria and the others rushed after her, arriving just in time to see Kama yank open the closet door. Morrigan tumbled out onto the floor, her mouth covered with duct tape and her arms and legs bound with rope.

"Mmmmph! Mmmmmph!"

The moment she spotted Kama, her eyes went wide with terror. She started writhing across the floor like an inchworm, tears streaming down her cheeks as she desperately squirmed toward Artoria.

Artoria dropped to her knees and carefully peeled the tape from her sister's mouth.

"WAAAAHHHHH!" Morrigan wailed at full volume. "Sis! Sis!"

"Shh, I'm right here." Artoria gathered her into a protective hug, stroking her hair. "What happened? Tell me everything."

"She's evil! She's so mean to me!" Morrigan sobbed into Artoria's shoulder, pointing an accusing finger at Kama. "WAAAHHHHH!"

Artoria continued soothing her sister, but her eyes turned to Kama. "What exactly did you do to her?"

“Nothing! I mean…” Kama backed away, sweat rolling down her forehead. She couldn’t meet her gaze. “It’s not what it looks like…”

The sounds of chaos echoed from the hallway.

"Get back here so I can murder you!"

"Never! You'll have to catch me first!"

Meanwhile, from the corner came Shirou's continuous muttering: "Not a trafficker... definitely not a criminal... innocent until proven guilty..."

"Such a shame Skadi couldn't make it today." Scathach took another bite of sunflower seed, savoring it. "This is surprisingly sweet."

...

…

The next day…

Shirou adjusted his cufflinks while looking in the mirror. "I still can't believe Emiya decided on an early summer wedding."

"Mm-hmm." Artoria stepped behind him, reaching around to fix his tie. "I heard the guest list is big. Even Gilgamesh and Merlin are coming for it."

"Seriously?" He frowned at his reflection. "That many people? Way more than came to my birthday."

"Are you actually jealous right now?"

"Maybe a little! What, is he more popular than me?"

She smiled, smoothing down his collar. "Don't be silly. Everyone was just busy with Chaldea business back then. They all sent birthday messages afterward, remember?" She stepped back to admire her handiwork. "There. Perfect."

He examined himself in the full-length mirror, running a hand through his hair. "So, how do I look? Still got it?"

"Oh absolutely, Mr. Heartthrob." Her tone was playfully teasing.

He couldn't help but preen a little at the compliment.

"Which means Mr. Heartthrob should probably wear these." She held out his glasses with an innocent smile.

His expression immediately soured. "Ugh, I hate those things."

Artoria stifled a laugh behind her hand.

When they finally made it outside, everyone else had already assembled, dressed to the nines.

"About time." Kama smoothed down her dress. "The ceremony's at that new church they just finished building."

"Yes! Another party!" Arcueid bounced on her heels with excitement.

Mordred rolled her eyes. "Great. The cockroach gets to run wild again."

"Party time, party time!" Arcueid was already humming to herself, practically dancing toward the car.

Scathach gave her a pointed look. "Try not to turn someone else's wedding into a circus this time, alright?"

"Don't worry!" she thumped her chest confidently. "I'll be on my best behavior. Just eating and watching. I know when to draw the line between fun and important stuff."

Mordred's eye twitched. "Oh, so my parent-teacher conference wasn't important enough?"

"Hahaha..." Arcueid rubbed the back of her neck sheepishly.

"Come on, everyone." Shirou checked his watch. "We should get going."

They locked up the house and made their way to the newly constructed church in the city's modern district.

The venue was already buzzing with familiar faces.

"Well, well." Gilgamesh strolled over, wine glass in hand, dressed surprisingly formal for once. "If it isn't the mongrel."

Shirou glanced around dramatically before turning to Artoria. "Did you hear something just now?"

"That would be Gilgamesh." She pointed directly at the golden-haired man standing in front of them.

"Ah." he snapped his fingers in realization. "I thought I caught a whiff of expired cologne. Turns out it's just Mesopotamian trash."

"You little—" Gilgamesh swung at him, but Shirou had already raised his arm to block. Their fists connected with a solid thud.

"Getting slow in your old age?" Shirou's grin was insufferably smug. "Maybe lay off the wine. You're looking a bit soft around the middle."

Artoria let out a long-suffering sigh. "Do they have to do this every single time?"

Arthur appeared beside her. "I think this is just their way of saying hello."

"My darling Mordred! It's been ages!" A blur of white robes launched itself at Mordred.

She caught Merlin by the face, holding him at arm's length. "Personal space, Merlin. I've got a reputation to maintain here. Can't be seen hanging around a weirdo."

Merlin pressed a handkerchief to his eyes dramatically. "She used to be such a sweet little thing! Always following me around, asking for magic tricks." He sniffled loudly. "If only Vivian were here, she'd tell you how adorable you were. Shame she's stuck in the Inner Sea."

Mordred's temple throbbed visibly. Her hand went to her sword hilt, but Kama and Scathach grabbed her arms.

"Easy there." Kama tightened her grip. "Save the violence for after the ceremony."

"Remember where we are," Scathach added.

Arcueid wandered past with a slice of pizza, pointing and laughing. "Look who's actually causing a scene! And you were worried about me, pfft!"

Mordred ground her teeth together. The second they got home, she was buying the strongest bug spray money could buy.

"Such energy." Romani approached with a plate of cake, smiling at the chaos. "This is what I love about humanity. All that raw emotion."

"Speaking of raw emotion..." The Queen of Sheba sidled up to him, batting her eyelashes.

Romani's knees wobbled. He clutched his cake plate like a shield.

"Oh! Kama!" The Queen of Sheba's face brightened with recognition.

"Sheba, good to see you." Kama smiled warmly.

Sheba hurried over, lowering her voice to a whisper. "That special remedy you gave me? Pure magic. Romani's been raving about how much better his back feels. Got anything else in your arsenal?"

"Actually, yes." Kama leaned in conspiratorially. "I just finished developing a new tonic. Was planning to slip it into my brother's dinner tonight, but since you're asking..."

"You're an angel!" Sheba's eyes sparkled as she glanced back at Romani.

Romani seemed to shrink even further into himself.

At that exact moment, Shirou felt an inexplicable chill run down his spine. His momentary distraction was all Gilgamesh needed to slip behind him and lock an arm around his neck.

"Ready to admit defeat, mongrel?"

"Okay, okay! You win!" Shirou tapped frantically at Gilgamesh's arm. "Let go already!"

Gilgamesh released him with a satisfied smirk.

Shirou rubbed his neck, grimacing. "Fine. That makes it thirty-two to seventeen.”

Just then, Emiya and Kiritsugu appeared carrying trays of food.

"Wait a minute." Shirou looked them up and down. "Doesn't Alaya have you on duty?"

"Oh, we quit ages ago." Emiya set down his tray. "Gaia offers way better benefits and also vacation days. We're basically doing what Altera does now."

"But what about the Counter Guardian positions?"

"Whoever's dumb enough to want that job can have it." Emiya shrugged. "We're done with that mess."

So Alaya's entire Counter Guardian force had gone on a strike?