Chapter 24: Panic in the Closet! The Naked Ambassador and the Sneeze of Disaster!

"Naruto-kun, I know you're in there! I can hear you whispering!"

Shizune's voice cut through the door, sharp and full of a worry that sounded dangerously close to authority.

Naruto and Temari froze, identical terror on their faces.

"Don't open it!" Temari hissed. Her voice was a hoarse whisper, full of panic, as she stood in the middle of the bedroom, wrapped in Hinata's sheet and looking like a hostage in her own nightmare.

"Don't open it! Ignore her! Tell her you're sick! Tell her you're dying! Tell her there's a plague!"

"I can't!" Naruto whispered back, his own voice high with panic. "It's Shizune! She heard us! She knows I'm here! She'll think something bad happened!"

"Something bad did happen!" she retorted, clutching the sheet. "And it's about to get a thousand times worse if you open that door!"

"Naruto-kun!" The door vibrated under a heavier knock. "If you don't open up, I'm going to get Tsunade-sama! And we'll break down the door! We're worried about you! And the Ambassador!"

Naruto looked at Temari, his eyes wide. "She's going to get Granny! If Granny comes, we're dead! Hiashi will look like a kitten next to her!"

Temari let out a choked groan of pure frustration. "Crap! Think, you idiot! Think of something!"

"I have a plan!"

"Your last 'plan' left me naked in a crater!"

"This one is better! It's... it's the closet plan! It worked last time!"

"It did not work last time! Kiba heard you!"

"But it'll work this time! You! In the closet! Quick!"

"I'm not...!"

"Naruto-kun! I'm going to count to three!" Shizune's voice sounded final. "One...!"

"PLEASE!" Naruto begged in a hiss.

Temari looked at him, saw the pure terror in his eyes, let out a curse that would have made a Kumo ninja blush, and ran for the closet, tripping on the sheet.

"Wait! No! Not the sheet! It's too obvious!" Naruto panicked. "Take it off! Just... just get in!"

Temari looked at him like he was insane.

"Two...!"

"Do it!"

With a snarl of rage, Temari dropped the sheet, leaving her in just Naruto's black t-shirt, jumped into the closet, and shut the door with a dull thud.

"Coming, Shizune-chan!" Naruto yelled, running to the main door.

He stopped, took a deep breath, wiped the sweat from his forehead, and tried to look... normal.

"I was in the bathroom! Yeah! A shower! A really long one! I was... really dirty from yesterday's work!"

He opened the door.

Shizune was standing there, her hand raised to knock again, and her expression was a mix of relief and intense suspicion.

"Naruto-kun? Are you okay?"

"Yeah! Sure! Perfect! Why? What's up?"

Shizune's eyes narrowed as she scanned him up and down. "You're pale, and you're sweating... and you're not wet, for someone who just got out of the shower."

"Oh! That! It's just... I dry off really fast! Yeah! Ninja drying technique! It's... a secret! And it's hot in here!"

Naruto tried to block the doorway with his body, smiling maniacally.

Shizune didn't smile, and her gaze drifted over his shoulder, into the apartment.

"Naruto-kun... are you alone?"

"Of course! Totally! Hinata left! She left a note!"

"That's strange," Shizune frowned, "because... I heard voices. Clearly. I heard two people whispering."

"Voices?! No! That was the radio! Yeah! I bought a radio! I like music! For... for cleaning!"

"You don't own a radio, Naruto-kun. And that sounded exactly like you and... someone else."

Naruto's heart was pounding against his ribs. "No! I swear! I was... practicing! A jutsu! A... a whispering jutsu! For... stealth missions!"

"Naruto," Shizune's voice went flat and stern. "Move away from the door."

"I can't! I just cleaned! Yeah! And you're tracking in dust from the street!"

"Naruto-kun, this is an official investigation from the Hokage. The Ambassador from Sunagakure is missing."

Naruto's terror spiked. "Missing? Temari?! No! She's not missing! She's...!"

He bit his tongue, but it was too late.

Shizune's eyes sharpened. "She's... what, Naruto-kun?"

"...She's... fine! I saw her last night! Yeah! At Ichiraku! With Sakura-chan and Hinata-chan! And then she left! For her inn! She was tired! She told me!"

"Her Suna escort says she disappeared this morning," Shizune replied, her voice cold. "We searched her room at the inn, and her things are there. Her luggage, everything... but she isn't."

"But...!"

"And now," Shizune continued, taking a step forward and forcing Naruto to back up, "I find you, lying about being in the shower, hiding something..."

She stepped into the apartment.

"Naruto," Shizune said, her voice lowering to a dangerous whisper. "What is going on here? And why is the futon on the bedroom floor... but the bed is made?"

Crap. He had slept on the futon and Hinata in the bed! The futon was still a mess on the floor, but the bed was perfectly made. Hinata must have made it before she left!

"It's just... she likes the floor! It's... good for her back! Hyuga tradition!"

"ACHOO!"

The sound was muffled, but unmistakable: a sneeze.

It came from the closet.

Silence.

Absolute, deadly silence filled the small apartment.

Naruto felt all the blood drain from his face and his knees went weak.

Shizune turned. Very... slowly.

Her gaze locked onto the closet door.

Naruto tried the most desperate smile of his life. "Kitten! Yeah! I found a kitten! It's... got allergies! To dust! Poor..."

Shizune walked toward the closet.

"Naruto-kun."

"Yeah, Shizune-chan?"

"If that's a 'kitten'... why is it wearing a black t-shirt?"

Naruto looked down.

In the crack at the bottom of the closet door, barely visible, was the hem of his black t-shirt. The one he had given Temari.

The game was over.

Shizune put her hand on the knob.

"SHIZUNE, NO! WAIT! I CAN EXPLAIN!"

Shizune yanked the door open.

Temari was there, curled up on the floor of the closet, between a pair of old boots and a pile of training scrolls.

She was trembling with pure rage and humiliation.

She was wearing nothing but his black t-shirt.

Naruto's heart stopped.

Shizune froze.

Her brain, trained for medical emergencies and diplomatic crises, just... shut down.

It couldn't process the image.

The Ambassador from Sunagakure. The Kazekage's sister. An elite Jōnin.

Hiding.

In Naruto's closet.

Wearing Naruto's sleepwear.

And... nothing else.

Shizune's eyes moved from Temari's bare legs... to her furious face... to the messy futon on the floor... and finally to Naruto, who looked like he was about to pass out.

Shizune took a deep breath.

"Oh," she whispered, her voice barely a thread of air. "Oh... no."

Temari shot to her feet, the t-shirt barely covering the essentials, and planted herself in front of Shizune, shaking with fury.

"IT'S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!" she roared.

Shizune flinched back, holding up her hands.

"No! I... I wasn't thinking anything! Absolutely nothing! I'm not thinking! I'm just... going to leave!"

She turned to flee.

"WAIT!" Naruto and Temari shouted in unison.

Shizune froze.

"Shizune-chan, please!" Naruto begged, rushing toward her. "Don't call Granny! Seriously! You'll ruin everything! There'll be a war!"

Shizune turned back to him, completely pale. "War? War? Naruto-kun, what... what... did you do?"

"NOTHING!" Naruto yelled.

"I DESTROYED HER CLOTHES WITH A RASENGAN!"

Silence.

Shizune stared at him. "...Excuse me?"

"Idiot!" Temari hissed, covering her face with her hands. "Don't tell her like that! You sound manic!"

"But it's the truth!" Naruto gesticulated wildly. "We were training! At six in the morning! And she was in her pajamas! And I used the Rasengan on the ground! And the wind... the wind... disintegrated her pants! And her shirt! They were cheap silk!"

"THEY WERE FROM THE CAPITAL!" Temari roared.

Shizune stared at him, total confusion on her face. "You... used a Rasengan... on Ambassador Temari?"

"On the ground! Next to her! As a distraction!"

"And... you disintegrated... her clothes?"

"It was an accident!"

"And that's why she's... in your closet? Wearing... your t-shirt?"

"Yes! Because I brought her here! So no one would see her! And then an old lady saw us hugging!"

"HUGGING?!"

"To hide her! It was an 'Orange Shield'! And then Hinata wasn't here! And I gave her my t-shirt! And now you're here! And she has no pants! And her stomach growled!"

Naruto finished his hyperventilating monologue, gasping for air.

Shizune stared at him.

Then she looked at Temari, who was now leaning against the bedroom doorframe, arms crossed under her chest, trying to look dignified while wearing a t-shirt that barely covered her.

Shizune took a deep breath.

"Naruto-kun."

"Yeah?"

"Why?" her voice was a moan of pure existential despair. "Why is it that whenever there's a disaster... it's you? And why is there always someone... half-naked?"

Temari stepped forward.

"Listen to me, Shizune. You heard the idiot, and that's the truth. Absurd, humiliating... but it's the truth."

She pointed to the door.

"Now, if you say a single word of this to Tsunade... or any other living soul... she will find out. And when she finds out, Gaara will find out. And when Gaara finds out that his sister, the Suna Ambassador, was found in this... situation... in his Jinchuriki's apartment..."

Shizune swallowed hard, the color draining from her face. "A diplomatic... incident."

"War," Temari corrected her. "Or, at the very least, Naruto's execution. Probably both."

Naruto groaned. "Always the execution!"

Shizune rubbed her temples so hard Naruto was afraid she'd hurt herself.

"Alright," she took a deep breath. "Alright. No, I won't say anything. For now."

Temari and Naruto sighed in relief.

"But," Shizune continued, "we can't just leave her here! Naruto-kun, there's a search alert out! The ANBU are looking for her! The Suna hawk is waiting for a reply! They think she's been kidnapped!"

"Great!" Temari said sarcastically. "Kidnapped by an idiot in pajamas."

"I have a plan!" Naruto said.

"You don't get to have any more plans!" Temari and Shizune snapped in unison.

"No, this one's good!" Naruto defended himself. "You!" He pointed at Shizune. "You have clothes! You said you live nearby, so bring her clothes! Normal, civilian clothes!"

Shizune thought about it. "Good idea..."

"And you!" Naruto pointed at Temari. "You put on the clothes!"

"That... that could work," Shizune admitted. "That's a good idea."

"Exactly!" Naruto said.

"And while you," Shizune looked at Temari, "you go... to the hot springs."

Temari stared at her. "The onsen?"

"Yes," Shizune said, her brain finally working. "You'll be 'relaxing' and they'll 'find' you there. You'll say you needed a break, that the stress was too much, and that you forgot to notify anyone. It's believable."

Temari nodded slowly. "It's believable, and I like it."

"Great!" Naruto said. "Naked Ambassador Rescue Squad, in action!"

"Shut up, Naruto!" they both said.

"Alright!" Shizune headed for the door. "I'll go get the clothes and I'll be ten minutes. Naruto, don't move until I get back. And you, Temari-san..."

She looked at Temari. "Please... don't kill him, or at least not until this crisis is over."

Temari promised nothing.

Shizune ran out.

Naruto and Temari were left alone in the apartment.

The awkward silence returned, a thousand times worse.

Temari was still standing by the closet, wearing only the t-shirt.

Naruto rubbed the back of his neck, not knowing where to look.

"So... 'The Archivist'?" Temari said, breaking the silence.

"It's real! And it bites!"

Temari looked at him, saw the genuine panic, the dirty t-shirt, and the half-eaten bento on the table.

A small, tiny, hysterical bubble of laughter escaped her lips.

Naruto stared at her, surprised. "Are you... laughing?"

"My life," she said, covering her face, as her body shook with repressed laughter and tears. "My entire life... depends on you and the Hokage's assistant. I'm going to need so much sake."

Naruto grinned, relieved. "I can get sake! Granny has a secret stash!"