Chapter 26: Total Panic! Emergency Lingerie and the Onsen Alibi!

"Well, that went better than I expected."

Temari's voice came out muffled from the futon, where she had curled into a ball, completely wrapped in Hinata's sheet, and she refused to look at the door where Shizune had just fled.

Naruto stood in the middle of the living room, feeling like a complete intruder in his own house, and the silence left behind by Shizune's slamming door was terrible, with only the drip of a faucet in the kitchen audible.

He scratched his cheek. "Uh..."

Temari didn't move.

"Are you... okay?"

A muffled sound of frustration came from the bundle of sheets. "No."

"Right, stupid question." Naruto rubbed the back of his neck, looking around as if the walls could give him an answer. "So... do you want... water?"

Temari's head shot out of the sheet; her hair was a mess and her green eyes, normally sharp and in control, were red and wide with panic.

"Water?" she repeated, her voice trembling with disbelief. "Do you think water is going to fix this? Do you think if I drink a glass of water, my clothes will re-materialize? Will my pants come back?"

"No! Of course not! But it'll calm you down! Or hydrate you! You're really tense!"

"Of course I'm tense, you idiot!" she hissed, clutching the sheet to her chest. "I'm half naked in your apartment! The Hokage's assistant just saw me! My reputation is one sneeze away from being completely destroyed, and Shizune is about to come back with clothes!"

"Well, that last part is good, right? The clothes part?"

"What if someone sees her?" Temari glared at him. "She ran off like a demon was chasing her, so what if she trips and tells an ANBU? Or what if someone sees you buying sake for 'the naked ambassador in your closet'?"

"I wasn't going to...!"

"I'm surrounded by idiots," Temari muttered, hiding her face in the sheet again. "Gaara is going to kill me."

"No he won't! I swear! He doesn't have to find out!"

"Oh no?" her voice came out again, muffled by the fabric. "He finds out about everything because he has sand spies, so he probably has a grain of sand in this very apartment watching me. He's going to bury me alive in a sand tomb and write 'Village Disgrace' on it."

"Hey, Gaara's not like that anymore! He's the Kazekage! He's calmer!"

"He's still my little brother, and little brothers who run entire nations are the worst when it comes to family humiliation." She paused before calling his name. "Naruto."

"Yeah?"

"This shirt..."

Naruto tensed. "What about it?"

"It smells... a little like pork broth."

"Oh! Yeah, sorry! I spilled some ramen on it last night... But it's clean! Hinata washed it afterward!"

"Great, you're really living a married life and I'm over here cold."

"Oh! I have blankets! Wait!"

Naruto ran to his bedroom closet, carefully avoiding the piece of lavender silk still on the floor, and pulled out the spare blanket that Hinata had washed and folded. He returned and tossed it to her.

"Thanks!" she said, wrapping herself in it over the sheet, so now she was completely covered and shivering in misery.

She sat there, trembling slightly.

"Hey," Naruto said softly, sitting on the floor at a respectable distance. "Shizune-chan will be back, she's... reliable. Well, most of the time."

"She just ran off screaming, Naruto. That doesn't inspire confidence."

"Yeah, but she's the Hokage's assistant, so she knows how to handle... situations."

"Situations like this? Situations where an allied ambassador loses her clothes due to... to..."

"Exploding squirrels?"

"What squirrels?!" Temari snapped. "This is a disaster, a diplomatic disaster. 'Suna Ambassador found in Uzumaki Naruto's apartment under compromising circumstances.' Can you imagine the headlines?"

"Nobody writes headlines like that here. Except maybe Kiba, and nobody believes him."

"You don't understand politics, Naruto, perception is everything. Suna and Konoha are allies, yes, but it's a new and fragile alliance, so I'm supposed to be the epitome of Suna professionalism. Strong. Competent. And right now... I'm a woman in borrowed pajamas."

"Hey, it's not pajamas. It's my 'Best Ramen' shirt..."

"That doesn't make it better!"

"Alright, alright! I'm sorry!" Naruto held up his hands. "Look, Shizune is on her way and she'll bring clothes, so you get dressed, you leave, and nobody has to know anything."

"And what about Shizune? She knows, so what if she tells Tsunade-sama?"

"She won't! Shizune-chan knows how to keep secrets, I swear! She probably knows where Grandma Tsunade hides her best sake!"

"And you? What about you?" Temari stared at him.

"Me? I won't say anything! I swear on my ramen bowl! Nothing ever happened! You were never here!"

"But I was here. And you saw me."

Naruto blushed. "Uh... well... yeah. But... I wasn't looking! I mean, I looked, but it was an accident! And then I didn't look!"

Temari sighed, a long, exhausted sound. "Whatever, it's too late for that."

The silence settled in again, but this time it was less tense and more... exhausted.

"How long has it been?" Temari asked.

Naruto glanced at a clock on the wall. "Like... five minutes?"

"It feels like an eternity."

"She's probably running all over the village looking for the perfect outfit," Naruto said, trying to cheer her up. "Maybe she'll bring you a party dress!"

"I just want pants. Some sturdy pants. And boots. And maybe a combat vest."

The sound of a hand grabbing the doorknob made them both jump.

"She's here!" Naruto whispered, jumping to his feet.

Temari clutched the blanket and sheet to her chest, bracing for the worst.

The door burst open and Shizune rushed in, pale, much paler than before, breathless, and holding a bundle of vibrant purple fabric.

She slammed the door shut and leaned against it, hyperventilating so hard it was a miracle she didn't pass out.

"Shizune-chan!" Naruto ran to her. "What happened? Did they see you? Are you okay?"

Shizune raised a trembling hand, unable to form words, and only made little choking noises.

"Shizune? You're incredibly pale! Talk! Was it Tsunade?"

"Worse!" Shizune finally gasped, her eyes wide. "I... I... ran into... a guard!"

Temari jumped up, dropping the blanket and holding only the sheet. "A guard? What guard? An ANBU? Did he stop you? What did he say? Did he suspect anything?"

"No!" Shizune moaned. "That was the worst part! It... it was Genma!"

Naruto blinked. "Genma? Shiranui Genma? The guy with the toothpick? He's a good guy, what happened?"

"He was in my building's hallway! Right when I was leaving! He saw me running like a crazy person, holding this!" She pointed to the purple bundle. "And... and... he smiled at me!"

"...He smiled at you?" Temari asked, confused.

"Yes! And he said 'Good morning, Shizune-sama, nice morning'!"

Naruto and Temari exchanged a look.

"And...?" Naruto asked. "That sounds... normal. Kinda polite."

"And... and... I panicked! I didn't know what to say! He was looking at me! He was... he was so calm with his toothpick! And I... I HIT HIM!"

The silence that followed this declaration was absolute.

"...What?" Temari said, her voice barely a whisper.

"I hit him!" Shizune repeated, now on the verge of tears. "Involuntarily! It was a reflex! He said 'nice morning' and my body reacted! I gave him a chakra enhanced punch right to the solar plexus!"

Naruto blinked once, twice. "Wow."

"He's unconscious on the second floor landing of my building!" Shizune shrieked.

"Shizune-chan..." Naruto said, with a tone of reverent awe. "You're... intense. Is he... is he dead?"

"No! I don't think so! Just... asleep! Or... or... I don't know! I didn't check! He just let out an 'oof' and collapsed! I ran!" Shizune was trembling from head to toe. "They're going to think I'm a traitor! Attacking my own fellow Jōnin in the hallways! They're going to interrogate me! They'll put me under surveillance! All because of you!"

"Calm down!" Naruto said, shaking her by the shoulders a little. "They won't panic! You'll say he was sleepwalking! Or that you mistook him for a squirrel ANBU!"

"I told you not to talk about squirrels!" Temari yelled.

"Naruto's right!" Temari said, though she wasn't sure which part. "Calm down, Shizune! You can't have a breakdown now. The clothes!"

Shizune took a deep breath, visibly trying to regain her medical professionalism, and shook her head as if trying to shake off the assault panic. "Right. Yes. The clothes. I have them. Quick."

She threw the bundle of purple fabric at Temari, who caught it with one hand.

Temari unrolled it, letting the sheet and blanket fall to the floor, not caring. "Finally. Let's see what you brought me for this... humiliation."

She unfolded the clothes.

It was one of Shizune's dresses, purple, with a high collar, long sleeves, and it went down to her ankles. It was the quintessential "practical medical assistant outfit that doesn't want to draw attention."

"Great," Temari said, holding it against her body. "I'm going to look like a very strict librarian."

"It covers you!" Shizune retorted, defensively. "And it's all I could grab! I was nervous!"

Temari sighed. "Fine, it's better than a shirt that smells like pork." She searched the bottom of the small cloth bag Shizune had used to carry everything. "You brought shoes... and socks... but... Shizune."

"What? I brought everything you said!"

Temari pulled out the final item.

She held it in the air, dangling from a single finger.

It was a pair of women's underwear, black, and made almost entirely of lace.

An absolute silence, even more tense than the last one, fell over the room.

Naruto, who had been trying to look useful by tidying the fallen blankets, leaned in to look and his eyes went wide.

"Whoa."

Shizune's head snapped toward him and her face, already pale from the guard panic, suddenly turned an incredible red, a shade Naruto had only ever seen on Hinata.

"Shizune-chan!" Naruto said, genuinely impressed, completely forgetting the gravity of the situation. "I didn't know you had that side! Those are... pretty... elegant!"

"NARUTO!"

Shizune's scream was ultrasonic. It vibrated the empty bento box on the table and probably alerted the Inuzuka clan's dogs three streets away.

"DON'T LOOK! THEY'RE NOT MINE! WELL, YES THEY ARE MINE, BUT... THEY'RE... THEY'RE... FOR EMERGENCIES!"

"'For emergencies'?" Temari repeated, raising an eyebrow. Her own humiliation was momentarily forgotten, replaced by a malicious amusement at Shizune's total breakdown. "Some emergency. Were you expecting to seduce an enemy Kage into signing a peace treaty?"

"NO!" shrieked Shizune, her voice hitting a pitch that only bats could appreciate. "They were... in the back of the drawer! They got mixed in with the clothes in my hurry! I thought I grabbed the practical cotton ones! Give them to me! Please, give them to me!"

She tried to snatch them, but Temari was faster and held the underwear out of her reach, a sly smile starting to form on her face.

"No, no," Temari said. "You saw me naked by accident, I get to keep your emergency underwear."

"Temari-san, give them to me! This isn't funny! It's deeply inappropriate!"

"Of course it is! It's the first funny thing that's happened to me in twenty-four hours." Temari sighed, her amusement fading as quickly as it had come. She looked at the underwear and then at Naruto, who was still staring with a sort of scientific curiosity.

"Ah, what the hell."

And, before Shizune's absolutely horrified gaze and Naruto's surprised, dumbfounded look, Temari took off Naruto's black shirt.

She let it fall to the floor, standing completely naked in the middle of the living room for the second time that day.

"AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!"

Shizune's scream was even higher pitched than the last one. If the first one alerted the dogs, this one probably broke glass.

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! COVER UP! PLEASE! COVER UP!"

"What?" Temari said, shrugging with unnerving casualness as she put on the lace underwear. It fit... surprisingly well. "I have to change, or did you expect me to do it under the sheet again? It's awkward and I get tangled."

"BUT HE'S RIGHT THERE!" Shizune pointed a trembling finger at Naruto, who, for his part, was frozen, his mouth open.

"So what?" said Temari, pulling on the purple blouse. "He already saw everything this morning, literally everything, from top to bottom, so there's no point in hiding at this stage."

She looked at Shizune, who was completely red and looked like she was going to be sick. "Besides, you're a woman. What's the problem?"

"THE PROBLEM IS THAT IT'S NARUTO! HE'S A TEENAGE BOY! AND YOU'RE AN AMBASSADOR! AND YOU'RE NAKED! YOU CAN'T... YOU CAN'T... BE SO CASUAL WITH INTER VILLAGE NUDITY!"

"Hmph!"

Naruto's voice came out muffled because, in a pure panic move, Shizune had lunged at him and covered his eyes with her hand, smashing his nose and mouth in the process.

"DON'T LOOK, NARUTO KUN! IT'S INAPPROPRIATE! CLOSE YOUR EYES! THINK ABOUT... ABOUT... PAPERWORK!"

"Relax, woman!" Temari said, pulling on the purple skirt and adjusting it. "I'm almost done."

A muffled "Wow" came from Naruto, whose gaze was clearly visible through a gap between Shizune's fingers.

"NARUTO!" Shizune squeezed her hand tighter, making him whine and kick.

"Done!" Temari said. She did a little turn; the dress fit her surprisingly well, though it was a bit tight in the chest and hips. "I look like a strict librarian who could break your neck. Perfect. No one will suspect a thing."

Shizune finally let go of Naruto, who took a deep breath, his face red from lack of air and from what he had just seen.

"Right," Shizune said, trying desperately to catch her breath and regain her dignity while smoothing her uniform, even though it was perfectly in place.

"Wait," Temari said. "Change of plans."

Shizune and Naruto looked at her.

"We have a better option," Temari said. "A clean option. Shizune."

"Yes?"

"You and I are going to the Onsen. Together."

Naruto and Shizune stared at her.

"Together?" Shizune repeated.

"To the Onsen?" Naruto added. "Now?"

"Yes," Temari said, crossing her arms, and the purple dress made her look even more authoritative. "It's the perfect alibi. Think about it. You, as the Hokage's dedicated assistant, 'found' me this morning, stressed from work and overwhelmed."

"That's not hard to believe," Shizune muttered.

"Exactly. And you, being the kind and diplomatic host, 'invited' me to relax at the onsen for... a 'diplomatic wellbeing meeting'."

"'Diplomatic wellbeing meeting'," Shizune repeated, as her professional brain started working, processing the information. "That... that's... brilliant."

"It's clean and believable," she admitted. "No one questions a visit to the Onsen."

"Of course it is," Temari said. "We've been there all morning, drinking tea and talking about hot spring politics, so no one will question it if they see us leaving together, calm and relaxed. Besides, Tsunade-sama sent you to find me; just tell her you found me and I forced you to go to the hot springs with me."

"That's great!" Naruto said. "You're so smart, Temari!"

"You should try it sometime," she said dryly. "And now, your part." She pointed at Naruto.

"Me? I have a part?"

"You're the most important part," Temari said. "You're the errand boy and you have to get it right."

"I'll do it! What do I have to do? Punch someone? Who do I need to take out?"

"No! Stop trying to punch things!"

"You're going to go straight to my Suna escort's guard post. They're probably nervous because I haven't reported in."

"Got it! Suna guards!"

"You're going to go there, calmly. No yelling. And you're going to tell them these exact words: 'Ambassador Temari-sama is in a diplomatic wellbeing meeting at the South Onsen with Shizune-sama. She has explicitly requested not to be disturbed.' Can you remember those exact words?"

Naruto gave a military salute, nearly smacking himself in the forehead. "Diplomatic wellbeing meeting! Do not disturb! Got it! Loud and clear!"

"Good. Now go."

"Now?"

"Yes! Go! Distract the guards! And for the love of all that is holy, Naruto, don't screw it up!"

"Got it!" Naruto ran out of the apartment, happy to have a real mission that didn't involve staring at lace underwear.

The door closed.

Temari and Shizune were left alone in the room.

They looked at each other and the awkward silence returned, but this time it was tinged with a camaraderie forced by the disaster.

Shizune was the first to move; she bent down and picked up Naruto's shirt and the sheet, folding them awkwardly.

"He's... a good kid," Shizune said quietly. "But he's not subtle."

"He has no subtlety at all," Temari agreed. "But he's loyal. Hopefully, his lack of subtlety will be so obvious that my guards won't suspect a thing."

Shizune sighed. "Diplomatic wellbeing meeting... What about Genma?"

"He'll wake up," Temari said. "He'll have a horrible headache and assume that... I don't know... he skipped breakfast and passed out. He's an elite Jōnin, so he'll be too embarrassed to admit a med nin knocked him out for being polite."

"I guess you're right..." Shizune didn't sound convinced.

Temari walked to the door and adjusted her purple skirt. "Well. What a morning."

Shizune shuddered. "This has been the most stressful morning of my entire life, and that includes the time Tsunade-sama almost gambled away the village in a snail race."

"Come on," Temari said, opening the door and looking into the hallway, which was empty. "We have to look relaxed."

"Relaxed. Right." Shizune took a deep breath. "Okay. Onsen. Wellbeing. Diplomacy."

"And one more thing," Temari said, stopping in the doorway.

"What?" Shizune asked, dreading the answer.

"I need that sake Naruto mentioned."

"Sake?" Shizune looked at her, horrified.

Temari stopped and gave her a tired, cynical, and completely exhausted smile. "After this morning, Shizune... believe me, it's never too early."

Shizune looked at her, then at the purple dress, thought about the black lace, and thought about Genma, unconscious on the floor.

She sighed in total surrender. "The South Onsen has the best Junmai."

"Now we're talking," Temari said. "Let's go, we have some diplomatic wellbeing to attend to."