Wakespire: Chapters 1-5
Added 2023-02-11 18:02:48 +0000 UTCHello everyone! Now that I've settled on "Wakes
Comments
The new version (not updated above) has an entirely rewritten first 75% of the sentence. Hopefully that will make the intent clear!
Sarah Lin
2023-02-13 19:30:14 +0000 UTCAgreed about the 'picking' part being the issue. I assumed she meant it in a general sense, "you should've chosen someone other than Theo to attach to since he just wants to sit home all day". But I also thought it was a little awkward for Nauda to say and IMO didn't fully make sense since Senka was currently with her (and Senka was complaining about Nauda, not Theo). I'd have expected Nauda to say something along the lines of "you should've thought of that before choosing to hang around me all day".
Nighteyes
2023-02-13 18:49:02 +0000 UTCFor me the problem is the picking part. In this case she picked Nauda not him to go with. So I guess the picking is meant in the sense of picking him as someone she prefers? But in that context that is an awkward way to say that imo.
Pete
2023-02-13 18:16:23 +0000 UTCWhat I intended was that Nauda is saying Senka has to go with her instead of Theo because Theo doesn't want to leave the room. That said, I think you've identified an issue that will interfere for a lot of readers. My first diagnosis is that the problem is using the common "thought of" phrasing. With some work I think I can phrase the line so the meaning doesn't get lost. Thanks for bringing it up!
Sarah Lin
2023-02-12 19:49:29 +0000 UTC> "Yeah, well, you should have thought of that before you picked the person who wants to sit in his room soulcrafting all day." While this sentence stands fine on its own, it doesn't fit into the conversation quite right imo. What does "thought of that" refer to? That Theo is willing to joke around or that Nauda is not? Neither reference really flows into the jab about Theo being an anti-social soulcrafting addict, but maybe I'm missing something obvious. Anyway, thanks for the chapters! Time for the team to Wake the Spire :)
5HourLethargy
2023-02-12 19:14:09 +0000 UTCIt was just a matter of thinking about all the options we discussed and deciding that was the best balance. Didn't hurt that quite a few readers were positive about it. Glad you liked the decision!
Sarah Lin
2023-02-12 13:46:48 +0000 UTCSo what made you finally choose wakespire as the name ? It’s a good name !
Piyush Singh
2023-02-12 10:10:36 +0000 UTCThe proctors of the competition are doing their best to prevent destruction of the trial mechanisms, so it's all charged with Authority cantae.
Sarah Lin
2023-02-12 05:00:29 +0000 UTCAha, good stuff! Thanks for the chapters!
Runcible Technician
2023-02-12 03:24:58 +0000 UTCOne thought, wouldn't Theo's singularity just eat the blocks as they slammed into it, allowing them to walk through?
ECD
2023-02-12 03:20:37 +0000 UTCFixed, thanks!
Sarah Lin
2023-02-11 23:45:12 +0000 UTCTypo spot, near start of ch3: she'd seen one food stall with massive portable archway with massive -> with a massive
Lamsey
2023-02-11 22:35:50 +0000 UTC^-^
Sarah Lin
2023-02-11 19:42:22 +0000 UTCNot entirely sure what you're asking, but at this stage readers aren't meant to be sure how the competition really works. I didn't mean for anyone to seriously think Nauda is dead or anything, I just wanted it to be clear that the competition isn't a game with no stakes. Glad you liked the changes to the first chapters!
Sarah Lin
2023-02-11 19:42:14 +0000 UTCThe last line of Ch.1 cracked me up. Theo's getting genre savvy.
Jeff Petkau
2023-02-11 19:33:24 +0000 UTCOh also the reworking on the first 3 chapters made them better for sure!
Jerek Kimble
2023-02-11 19:24:00 +0000 UTCI’m not sure if we’re supposed to think something is wrong with the challenges or not, because Theo seems suspicious, but he always does, and they are still in first place.
Jerek Kimble
2023-02-11 19:21:21 +0000 UTCSo much to read! Thank you Sarah!
Tobias Begley
2023-02-11 18:03:54 +0000 UTC
