Legacy Chapter 13
Added 2016-06-01 07:54:38 +0000 UTCFinal chapter in book 1 - Dawn
As always, please feel free to comment, give me your overall experience for book 1. It'd be great to get some feedback before my panel at AC.
Comments
The impression I got is that she really respects them now, have nothing personally against them, and wants to train them for her own agenda. The sword was the greatest peace offering, that maybe wasn't played on enough in the ending dialogue. They're being hunted, they still wear collars, she might not care about their freedom, but it's a very powerful motivator.
Skie
2016-06-09 21:22:29 +0000 UTCChapter: It was hard to place the first scene as Kadar speaks about being shown the weapon in the past, then he speaks to Dala currently, then you slowly understand he's sharpening his weapon. It felt like I had to build what's going on. The conversation is deep, and I'm not sure how I feel about it yet. Kadar seems much more open now compared to before he opened up to Ahsan. Would he really be that open with others already? I like how the battle moves. Especially when Kadar admits his love. It keeps getting better from there, tense and really good. One awesome moment (red clay), followed by another (scimitar) <3 The ending is quite good too, with all the different opinions and personalities. A bit disappointed Kadar didn't get to admit to Ahsan yet :3 Misc: -“I’m don’t want to die << should be I? -The main footpath into the oasis cuts through the most uneven, rocky terrain and grass mounds, and seeing as walking through the other areas can trip and slow you down quite a lot, we guessed that for an attack they couldn’t really conceal, the direct route would probably be their first choice. << that's quite a long sentence that might be worth splitting to two? - It’s a scene of pure chaos and confusion, << I'd dot instead of comma here Nothing much I can say about the book as a whole. I greatly enjoyed reading it. Can't wait to continue. The amazing cover art probably tells to much as it belongs near the end of the book. I'll to think about it and see if I have something more to say :)
Skie
2016-06-09 21:18:15 +0000 UTCI am sure that Rukis has idea's for book 2. There are so many unresolved issues. How far does Kadar get in finding Amon. We still do not know how Amon might be saved from his current plight.
Marcwolf
2016-06-06 03:45:01 +0000 UTCWhat was great about the berry example was it introduced the idea, then you thought the pay off was when it was used by Jack and the reader was briefly satisfied. But then it was used again to a more, or at least a different, dramatic effect with Puck's "death". This is just a personal favorite example, that's all.
CastJudgment
2016-06-02 22:13:23 +0000 UTCBasically a Checkov's Gun: <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chekhov%27s_gun." rel="nofollow noopener" target="_blank">https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chekhov%27s_gun.</a> In the stories here it was fine, but I would say not to overuse it. Or at least make it a little less "in your face" than in OTBP. If I remember correctly, the effect of the berries was the only explanation of effects of herbs we as readers got explained from Puck, so it was kinda obvious that this effect would play a role and readers have a good chance of figuring it out relatively early and then be a bit frustrated at the protagonists not getting it for too long. And you have to actively remember that in the story Puck taught the effects of many more herbs and so it's not so easy to remember for the characters. Maybe it would have worked more to my liking if we had read about Puck teaching the effects of several herbs, so it would be a little less obvious, but attentive readers could still figure it out. Anyway, that's nitpicking, the way it was written did work just fine.
Cuddly Canine
2016-06-02 20:57:14 +0000 UTC[I meant to make a new paragraph but it entered instead] That said, I still do want to see more of Kadar and Ahsan. The story is very exciting. The battle in this chapter was particularly interesting because of the differing levels of integrity in combat. And I do like that Kadar received Lochan's weapon; I think that is a nice touch, sort of like assuming the mantel of protector (Lochan's armor then his sword). What I would like to see is the kind of payoff we saw in the other two books: introduce a general concept, then use it once, then maybe twice for even greater payoff. I'm thinking of the introduction of the berries in OTBP sort of as an offhand remark by Puck, then used against Shivah, then used once more by Puck for a great plot twist. Same with Heretic and the half-cocking the pistol that lead to Luther winning his duel. Those are very rewarding to read and make your work the best I've ever read (not brown-nosing, in fact the best I have ever read). All this criticism aside, I am in love with your writing: there's always a new perspective or insight that makes reading your work rewarding and inspirational. I am thouroughly looking forward to the next chapter!
CastJudgment
2016-06-02 17:18:42 +0000 UTCOverall, I really enjoy this story. I like the perspective that Kadar has, especially in the beginning of the book because it runs contrary to many popular opinions and that he was more rough than a typical protagonist. It was mentioned in a previous comment that Kadar and Ahsan's relationship feels forced, and I think I agree on the whole. It might be because the story is very action driven as opposed to other works of your that were more character driven: Shivah grows as a character that comes to terms with her life, Luther "grows up" a little, etc. It might be influenced by the very nature of Kadar to seem distant, even from the reader. I understand his story, that he is an angry man and tries to master himself and that he is in love with Ahsan and may not be able to express it, and I think the beginning of the story showed that inner turmoil very clearly. In defense of this, however, I understand that the usual characters you write have already more or less come to terms with their sexuality (except Reis, but it is easier to graphically show that turmoil) and that this is the first I've read of someone coming to terms with it in a novel you wrote.
CastJudgment
2016-06-02 17:10:38 +0000 UTCBook 1 is already over? Man, time flies, and I guess reading some of the best story-telling ever created helped with that. Before I even read this chapter, I went ahead and reread the first 12 chapters to refresh my memory. Well, I have to admit, I was blown away with how well you developed these characters from start to finish, especially Kadar. When I first read chapters 1 & 2, I had no doubt in my mind that this guy was as straight as an arrow, and that he was a somewhat cold and distant fellow. I still loved him none the less, however. Oh how I couldn't have been any more wrong. And the best part is, is that none of his transformation seemed farfetched or forced. Everything he became, was a result of the life he lived and the choices he made, whether good or bad. I've found, in fact, that he's become my favorite character of yours. His story touches multiple times on the idea that he's trying so hard to appear strong when in reality, he's broken, scared, and hopeless. I can identify heavily with that 'mask' that you put on to fool others, so Kadar really spoke to me on many levels. Ashan, well, I loved him from the first second. He's one of those "too good for this world" kinda guys, and he was surprisingly insightful throughout the entire book. As far as the pacing goes, I'm thoroughly pleased with how everything unfolded. Nothing seemed like it was premature or growing stale, and the action was extremely gripping, especially the fight scenes at the Manor between Lochan and Anala; those were beautiful. Additionally, I love how you opened each chapter with something from Kadar's past. It was instrumental in helping me understand the man behind the mask. At this point in the story, it's really exciting to see the attention pushed more towards finding Amon and liberating him, but I can only suspect that Amon's current predicament in the Red Lantern comic can't be a good sign to the fate of Kadar's search. On the same note though, Amon is tucked away in some random port town brothel on the Dark Continent, so it wouldn't be far fetched to say that there is still some hope. All in all, I can't wait to get a hard copy. This book exceeded my expectations two-fold, and I can not wait to see what happens next. Thank you so very much for sharing this story.
Tiller Brown
2016-06-02 05:59:39 +0000 UTCThis is good! However I feel that you are over-using the word 'indomitable' somewhat. It's not an error, more something stylistic, but it was used twice in this chapter and also in the book description where it's posted for pre-order. It isn't a major problem, but it's noticeable enough. Also, and this isn't a mistake, but an observation, but at one point the lioness mentions things being put beneath heels. Would this be something that would be said by any of the species in this barring the rats and mustelids? Most of them don't walk with their heels to the ground, so would that phrase have ever developed amongst them? Anyhow, that was a good ending for the first book. Overall, I rather liked this story. The setup was good and the world felt big and well-developed enough for it to be set in, rather than thrown together, which is excellent as the setting for a number of related but separate stories. Your world building is great, your world and setting are enjoyable and your characters are generally likeable, or love-to-hate-able. The inclusion of the badass female characters was also a plus, though that's something you're good at anyway. Shivah proved that! In terms of criticism, I have to say, I don't actually like Kadar and Ahsan's romantic relationship in this at all, particularly on Kadar's side. It was understandable from Ahsan's viewpoint and seemed natural for him to be a little clingy, but with Kadar it felt more than a little off. It came across as slightly forced and unnecessary, as though you included it because you absolutely needed to have a main character-based gay pairing and shoe-horned one in because of that. I wouldn't go as far as saying it was detrimental to the story, but it did feel pointless, needless, like you were filling a quota or appealing/pandering to one subset of readers rather than it seeming like the natural progression of their interactions. I thought it came a bit out of left field, personally. I haven't felt that way about any other of your pairings, so it's a little bit disappointing to feel that way about one now. I do want to stress that this absolutely wasn't the case with Lochan and Ahsan. Their relationship with each other, such as it was, came across as well as any of the others you've done and I particularly liked how you had poor Ahsan react to the tragic end of that.
Baylock
2016-06-01 21:56:28 +0000 UTCWow this makes me really hope Kadar actually gets to see Amon... In the future!
Cosmo
2016-06-01 19:06:43 +0000 UTCMistake early in the chapter: "I’m don’t want to die, obviously." Very well done overall. Loved the character development and twists and turns in the story; it was very well put together. However there are several things I think you could take a look at: First, chapter 12 doesn't start off with a flashback of Kadar's life. It seems a bit inconsistent. I also wanted to see Ahsan open up more about killing his mother. I imagine that his actions would take a serious emotional toll on him that he needs to heal from, but I feel we don't get much of that. It could also become an opportunity for Kadar to talk to someone about killing his father. I am aware that this can also be addressed in the next book, so I'm not too worried. I also feel that another paragraph at the end of the story could make some connections and help the ending come full circle. It felt a little abrupt. Thanks so much for finishing the story, one because I really liked it, and two because I really need my Red Lantern fix ;)
Ty Laurich
2016-06-01 18:20:00 +0000 UTCAwesome chapter!So when can we expect the next book to start? I don't want to wait too long!
Dr. Anarchy
2016-06-01 17:17:36 +0000 UTCReally great chapter and a good conclusion to book 1. I'm iffy on Anala, for obvious reasons ;) But she's kind of a badass and Kadar can barely protect himself so maybe its not such a bad thing. but I will be super upset if she stabs them in the back! Literally and metaphorically. On another note... Raja. Dude's pretty frickin' cool.
Connor Laleff
2016-06-01 15:21:33 +0000 UTCA very powerful chapter. I do hope though that Kadar's choice to go for the Liberator and taking Anala along doesn't create a rift between him and Ahsan. I so badly want the two of them to stay together. ( pretty please don't kill either of them ok ? ) As for the overall experience of the first book, i have to say you've taken a very good approach just as you did with OTBP. You did a great job of setting up the world as a whole before slowly zooming in on those who would be the main characters of this book. It did however mean though that it was kind of obvious that Lochan was going to kick the bucket since he was set up to be this story's Grant. Someone who would become important and close to our main characters, someone who'd open new doors and new ways of seeing things. And of course being a love interest for one of our main characters, although i will admit i was put on the wrong foot every now and again.
Y-Foxy
2016-06-01 14:08:40 +0000 UTCI cannot wait for this story to continue. I'm constantly amazed by everything you produce.
ArcticSpirit
2016-06-01 10:21:34 +0000 UTCWOW!!!.. Powerful ending.. Many thanks for sharing with us :)
Marcwolf
2016-06-01 08:26:40 +0000 UTC
