Kindred - Chapter 17
Added 2020-04-15 23:35:08 +0000 UTCMaaaaaaan I was going strong on this book, until I got to the part dropping Sawyer's birth name. But it's official, now. First break-down writing this thing.
This chapter's a big oof.
I thrive on your feedback. I must consume it to live. So please. Do not remain silent.
Comments
ive noticed that you have done something before that i'm pretty sure youre protagonist in the rest of the red lantern series hasn't. which is Tuli openly saying that he loves finn. its usually been implied that the characters tell each other this (when something bad happens ie. dying in ones arms) but maybe its because tuli has no scruples about his true feelings and is still very young compared to the other characters we have from his point of view
Komega01
2020-04-21 12:55:35 +0000 UTCNah, he was just a nameless enemy for the purposes of this story
Rukis
2020-04-17 09:21:11 +0000 UTCI don't know why, but I have to ask. "The Captain" (Mastiff), have we seen him before in Shiva's story?
Parker Lee
2020-04-17 06:41:42 +0000 UTCThe suspense has got to me. Also, the rage about the enemies is getting to me. The wealthy are fucked up. Finnegan's mother was a courtesan and she was discarded by his sire minutes after she sated his lust. That bastard calls Finnegan worthless and is a criminal that pisses me off when I read about them in the news. Finnegan is right that everything his sire is, is invulnerable in every way and will live a full life without facing consequences of his demeaning actions. I still think it's all about revenge. I want Finnegan to get his revenge for seducing and abandoning his mother and treating him like the same trash he considers Finnegan's mother. I want his reveal and I want him to die brutally.
Alex Peterson
2020-04-17 00:22:42 +0000 UTCYou're welcome! Glad it was of some use. Thanks for explaining the above. I see where you were going, and yeah, Sawyer's awful death would be one of the first things to pop into his mind so that made sense. Just adding context as voices heard there and there during his in and out moments would be sufficient. That or a very short exchange between him and Finn. Same with Uki/Kissima. Some extra lines during Odina's revelation and/or near the end for a goodbye wouldn't hurt. Adding a bigger chunk for a farewell like with his father would mess a bit the flow so dunno if you should add too much.
Gotriss
2020-04-16 20:02:49 +0000 UTCOh, and before I forget again: YOU NEED TO DRAW TULI IN A DUSTER NOW!!!!
Trejaan Cavelion
2020-04-16 14:31:39 +0000 UTCWhere to even start on this. I think you did a magnificent job giving us the reader the breathing room and space to let everything that happened settle in without it feeling forced. Everyone is literally and figuratively wounded and you've allowed everyone the space to be vulnerable and come to terms with not only themselves but each other. You've given me a deep new respect for Odina whom i honestly hated from the start. Her motivations feel true to how she sees the world and how the world made her and hearing her say he sons birth name and it being explained by Tuli just made me choke up because it was such a fitting name. I also like her choice to confront Otterfa in the way he was behaving towards his adopted son and the way it was the nudge needed for Tuil and his Otterfa to at least come to a form of mutual acceptance. I think the best part of all for me was between Finn And Tuli though, their talk and the way their love was expressed feels genuine and i choked up when Finn asked to hear those words again as he finally gave in to admitting that he might be worth loving and it being a big step to something that he thought he didn't deserve. It was also a great catalyst to set the stage around the fire as it now no longer was a secret and it was out in the open. Honestly between chapter 16 and 17 i think you've been able to really allow us to see the harshness and cruelty of the world they live in but at the same time the purity,devotion,love and comradely that can come from all of it. Out of the ashes of death and pain you've created the seeds of something very special and i look forward where you take us from here.
Y-Foxy
2020-04-16 12:33:20 +0000 UTCAlso, the conversation between Tuli and Finn, especially where he recognizes that the wolfdog feels absolutely alone, with nobody caring if he lived or died... that struck me harder than you can know. The way Finn NEEDED to hear Tuli say the words again... Bravo!
Trejaan Cavelion
2020-04-16 11:55:29 +0000 UTCAs always, I stand in awe of your skill at composition and characterization. I was especially struck with the way you portrayed Odina in this chapter... how it was obvious she knew the darker truth about Finn's quest and hadn't shared it with them until her rage brought it out. It could have been shown as a real dick move (Tuli even thinks as much) but in the context in which it's all revealed, it makes perfect sense for her character. The reader doesn't even think badly of her for staying silent about it for so long.
Trejaan Cavelion
2020-04-16 11:53:11 +0000 UTCI tried to have Tuli's reflection on the violence in the battle come up later, when he was up and about. Not specifically on biting through the one man's wrist, but in less specific terms about how he felt about how we fared in the battle overall. I really wanted to focus on what had happened with Sawyer upon first waking, since I felt that'd be the main thing on his mind, and how his death would affect them all, specifically Finn since he was the one who blamed himself the most for it happening. I could be more clear about why he wasn't worried about his other family members there. . . tried to infer he'd seen them while he was in and out, but I could definitely flesh that out more. I could also for sure add a bit more time with Uki and Kissima, I think that definitely was an oversight. I feel like Uki's already gotten a LOT of time, but a farewell definitely wouldn't be a bad idea. The chapter was getting pretty beefy already, so I might've rushed it near the end. But it wouldn't take much to address that. Thank you for your comments!
Rukis
2020-04-16 05:23:33 +0000 UTCHello Rukis. For some reason I hadn’t been paying much attention to your works despite having enjoyed OTBP and Legacy a lot back then. But a few weeks ago I noticed you were uploading this story on FA and I got interested. I then went as far as joining your Patreon to have it all, because you hooked me again. Now I’m waiting eagerly for more of this great story you’re writing. I’m not a fan of 1st person stories most of the time, yet your characters and stories somehow make me want to read them so intensely. I’m mostly a lurker everywhere. I think my thoughts are generally worthless (I'm no writer or visual artist) and I only try to give my impressions to friends if asked. Regardless, you said you really needed the feedback and didn't want us to remain silent, so here's my attempt: Overall, I liked the flow of this chapter and the dialogues between Tulimak and Finn. Odina this time seemed to have a lot more to say, providing a new target to focus on and further offering more insight about her. After the chaos of the previous night, this one was intense in a different way, more raw and heartfelt about the characters feelings, which you pulled off great. I sympathized with the intensity of Finn’s dialogue when he opened up about his self loathing over his past mistakes and failures. And the way Tuli empathized with him was so well executed...plus that love confession was truly good (and quite overdue). Also, I’m glad that Otterfa is finally showing some sense and trying to accept his son again. That was a good way to close the chapter. I have some minor issues about this chapter, but I suspect I’m just overthinking it. You be the judge. As ch. 16 ended in a cliffhanger, this one started with Tuli slowly coming back to consciousness which implies they survived and beat the Jackwalds. Considering that, I found it odd that Tuli didn’t ask about everyone else, share some thoughts about what he did or anything about the battle right after he woke up. (I mean he seemed pretty shocked having bitten that dude’s wrist). He just assumed his father, Uki and the rest were fine. I know Finn provided that Kissima and Uki were okay since they gave him the tonic but still, he didn’t seem relieved knowing that they were unscathed after he passed out. I found it weird that Kissima and Uki were so distant this time. I checked and I only saw 2 dialogues by Uki. Sure, there were several mentions of them through this chapter but I still found it weird that they barely reacted to some of the stuff that was being discussed or that there weren’t dialogues between him and Tuli before their farewell. I suppose this is expected considering they won’t be a part of the story anymore, but still, it bothered me somewhat. Whew that was a lot. I usually go on these verbose ramblings so I dunno if I'll comment again. Thanks for writing this story!
Gotriss
2020-04-16 04:45:44 +0000 UTCOk.. My thoughts. Many thanks for scaring us re the battle scenes - esp at the end when Tulimak and Finn both got hit. Very sad about Sawyer but as a character he could have grown or just drifted. This way he has a greater meaning in the storyline. I was also wondering where you were taking us with this. Finnegan's father was in a distant country and any hurt would likewise be lessened i the readers eyes unless a specific confrontation between Finnigan and the rest occured. However shifting the focus to Gezan who IS relatively local brings the story back in to focus - Finn's father can be hurt in proxy however you have left a change that his father might still be a semi-innocent victim in Gezan's scheme. It would be rare in the Amarescan society that a Lord or rich person would recognize the son of a whore was kin - even if sired by them. The act of conception is placed entirely on the woman and thus is anything comes from it they are Not involved. Many thanks for sharing Marc
Marcwolf
2020-04-16 01:54:39 +0000 UTCAlright, so I love your stories - I didn't go to Anthrocon last year and probably won't anymore but I have pretty much bought all your books - whether online or in person. The OtBP series was wonderful, loved heretic, both the Legacy books (dusk and dawn, I think?) and enjoyed the dubiously canon little mini series... (read your comics too, but hadn't bought them yet) - and I couldn't take waiting for uploads anymore on FA so I decided to re-open my support on patreon and binged up to this chapter and just finished. I love the way you tell stories - in all their forms. I love the way you write and build words and all your pieces and spin offs. I love your character development and how real and fleshed out they are. I think you do an amazing job fleshing them out and always making them seem believable and relatable. I wish I had a more analytic brain for literary things, but all I can really say is you have always done an amazing job crafting your world and pulling me into it with that bit of play with real history and also expanding it into its own world with its own rich history and lore. I am constantly pulled back into anything you write, and I hope you keep up the amazing work! I actually never really liked first person works all that much before, but between a web serial I read and your works, I've found a new appreciation for them. And just uh, yeah. Awesome work <3 look forward to seeing more! (resubmitted this because it posted too soon)
Namelessimp
2020-04-16 01:26:13 +0000 UTCThe tragedy of that scene was i could FEEL how badly Tuli wanted to just envelop Finn and make him feel loved and cared for, but couldn’t because of their injuries. They embraced but Finn needed a proper burr hug
Connor Laleff
2020-04-16 01:02:36 +0000 UTCThese characters are getting really, dangerously close to my heart. I actually had quite a few good cries writing this chapter. I'm so glad the confession scene landed well, I wanted it to feel less than perfect, but hopefully not disappointing.
Rukis
2020-04-16 00:45:07 +0000 UTCAlso Finn asking Tuli to say those 3 words again broke me. Hard..
Connor Laleff
2020-04-16 00:39:11 +0000 UTC*Spoilers ahead* YEEEEEEES! Everything in this chapter just felt so... right. Starting from the top, I love how vulnerable everyone was, Finn especially. It really has been such a wonder to see Tuli grow and become more confident in his feelings. I love the reveal with the documents and we knew something was brewing with Odina when she took in interest back at the otter tribe, so that was nice to see. Otterfa’s behaviour and growth was shocking too and I’m happy he’s taking the steps to become not only tolerant but understanding. Great tipping point now moving forward to the latter half of the story, with new purposes, new feelings, and already the odds stacked against them! I yearn for more emotional Tulifinn interactions. All that’s left is for Finn to try and overcome his fear of loving Tuli back (at least that’s how I interpret it)
Connor Laleff
2020-04-16 00:32:26 +0000 UTC
