Dave Gottlieb - Composition Feedback June 2020

Here's another track by one of you guys that I reviewed this month. Dave Gottlieb sent over a wonderful track that shows a lot of expertise and refined craftmanship. It was great fun having a look at that piece and diving deeper into it. Dave was kind enough to allow me to make the exchange that I had with him public. The MIDI file for the track can be downloaded at the bottom of the post:

Dave wrote:

I wrote "Sunflare" going for a traditional-sounding adventure-ish feel, trying to develop a decent B-section development, and to further my skills in orchestration. I would love your feedback especially on the orchestration choices, but also if you have any reactions on the composition itself, harmonic clarity, or production. I'd be curious to know if the orchestral balance sounds fairly realistic, or if there are things sticking out as unnatural. 

Here's my feedback:

First of all congratulations, this is really a wonderful piece in so many regards! I love the theme, really well done. Your handling of the orchestra is very refined and the way how you structure the piece is really excellent. Also, the mockup sounds fantastic. You definitely seem to have a considerable amount of experience doing something like this. I'm sure that piece would work extremely well if you put it in front of an orchestra and the musicians would have a blast playing it.  

Here are a few points that I noticed that you might want to think about. I'm referencing to the bar numbers from the midi.  

- I mentioned it already but I really love the structure of your theme, particularly the high b in bar 15 really gives it that long arc feeling of not repeating but developing! 

- I don't find some of your transitions between sections too convincing, they sometimes feel like "stumbling into the next section": e.g. bar 19 into 20 feels a bit forced into the new shape. I think there are several factors at play here that make this transition a bit bumpy: I think the transition into 20 is too short. Effectively in 19 your theme comes to a rest and the only thing that picks up momentum in that spot is the violin 16th measured tremolo and only very short before the downbeat of 20 you start woodwind runs. The downbeat of 20 feels bigger than what the transition suggests. I could see several ways to smoothen that out, either by starting the ramp earlier and build it up more gradually. I think even more effective might be to reharmonize that end bit of the theme. There is that problem that you end the theme on the tonic and start it again on the tonic which works against that buildup that you're establishing in 19. If you could maybe create some sort of "dominant feeling" harmonic situation in 19 maybe the bump up would feel more logical. I could see something like Ebmaj7 - Cm  or maybe even Ebmaj - F in bar 19 to be a bit more decided on "ok guys, new part coming up". 

- I think the section starting at bar 20 would benefit from a side line that comes in at rhythmically inactive spots of the main melody. You‘re currently filling those spots up with woodwind runs which is fine but they always leave a moment of inactivity after they are done and the horns enter again 

- bar 24, celli pizz stay on G while Basses move to Eb which creates some mud in the low register (low interval limits) – also I think the constant downbeat pizz could be rhythmically a bit more diverse, it develops some sort of static feeling 

- bar 28 onward: I think the trombone etc. accents are a nice idea, I just find their rhythmic placement a bit strange, you place them sometimes on off-beats that feel like they missed the entrance, try establishing rhythmic motifs that are a bit more predictable, maybe not by single stabs that come in once in a while but more of rhythmic figures that create some sense in the rhythmic grid? 

- the transition in 35 again feels forced. Also, it would be very tricky to get the orchestra together on this tempo ramp. I feel also harmonically it asks a little too much of the audience as more or less suddenly EVERYTHING changes. I don’t feel like you prepare that switch to Ebmmaj7 at all. I think it might be best to insert some sort of “2 bar tail” that could ritardando on the G majrto the main theme from before and write a proper transition to that softer B part and maybe come to a rest there and then start anew with the B section to clearly divide these two sections. Again maybe a harmonic transition to the new key would also help 

- in general I love your B section, really nice tone to it and I like the contrast that it moves away from the straight forward pulse and somehow becomes more of a “search”, however from around 40 to 43 I feel a bit lost as you move tempi around so drastically that I struggle getting a sense of pulse. I see that you use a motif there in the woodwinds but the odd accented attack that feels slightly late in the samples adds to the confusion. Maybe don’t go too wild with the tempo changes there? 

- love the thematic reference in 48 onward! 

- I think the transition in 53 is the best one in the piece as you give it some space to actually create that transition feeling including the crescendo etc. 

- 54 onwards: nice Superman pump-up modulations – maybe a little too close to the inspiration with the triplet rhythm that is underneath? I also wonder why does it need to go back to G? For the sake of development maybe choose another target key? 

- 62/63: nice idea with the counter rhythm in tpt/tbns, I would argue that they are a little too low to create that sparkly feeling that I think you are going for here and I would also try to bring in something similar somewhere else in the piece or this idea will feel unconsequential 

- I think bar 65 is too empty, the glock alone won’t cut it, I think you need something there that keeps or rather raises the energy, again the sustaining tonic doesn’t help much there, so I would vote for another reharmonisation 

-bar70&72, I really feel like you need to fill that sustain in the trumpets with something else other than just glock. High register ww figure? A ff horn side line? I just feel that this last section doesn’t quite go to the point of climax that you might have wanted it to go or that it could go 

- 74 onward: I really think we have heard enough of that G major now, you’re not bringing in any new musical information in that section, harmonically it stalls where it was. I think that end section could develop way more punch and excitement if you wrote it a bit more boldly instead of sustaining all the way through on this G major. Give us something that creates a small (harmonic) surprise at the end or something that pushes it further. I just feel like this could be more than what it is currently.  

Those were a lot of bullet points but to put that all into perspective: all of this is really critizism (if at all) on a very high level. As I said I really like that piece and it is crafted with a lot of expertise on all levels. So all these things are maybe things that I feel could squeeze out the last 5% out of a piece that is 95% there already. 

And here's Dave's response:

Thank you so much for your feedback! It is exactly what I needed to help me refine and fix this piece. You've pinpointed the big weak-points in the piece, especially the transitions. Although I sensed that the transitions were clunky, I didn't have any good ideas on how to fix them, or what fundamentally was causing the clunkiness. It's clear now, from your explanation, that I'm often making too big a change, too quickly, without musically justifying it, and often without a strong cadence to emphasize that a change is coming.  I'm looking forward to solving all the issues you've identified, and working through the solutions you've suggested. 

Thanks again for taking the time to analyze the piece, helping me improve, and your kind words of encouragement as well. It is so helpful, and very much appreciated! 

Thanks again Dave for this wonderful piece and allowing me to share the exchange we had with all patrons. If you want to get some feedback on one of your pieces, there's a tier here on Patreon that you can join where you can get a monthly feedback for any of your pieces.