End of month breakdown

Hello there. I am still here, just dealing with...stuff.

I've been workiing on and off on episode stuff, and a new character, but this month has mostly been life being a bag of shite. Just a combination of work, life and mental health really fucking things up.

In the last two months, I've put an offer on buying a flat, mostly using inheritance. In fact, using up the inheritance and borrowing money off of family that needs repaid, but in the end I should have somewhere to live properly. This is a big step seeing as I was living in a van up until christmas, and had been there for over a year and a half. The flat is done, I got the keys today and had a look at the place. I know what my next steps should be.

But work has been non-stop. Apparently I'm an IT professional, but I don't feel like it. Last week I was given a project to complete in a day. I had no knowledge of the stuff I had to use to do the task, the training material was inadequate and the requirements vague. Obviously, I couldn't complete it because I couldn't attain full mastery of app building software in 24 hours, and my abilities to develop software has been called into question.

The whole experience has made me look at how absolutely pathetic my life is. I work up to 6 days a week, full time and don't earn minimum wage. I'm not even properly employed, just a "contractor", but still have to abide by rules of the company for days off, holidays, etc. Moving to properly employed and a decent wage is meant to happen when the company starts expanding, but it never seems to. I feel like my skills have been squashed long enough that I don't think I could be employed somewhere else now.

The one bright spot, getting a place to live is getting at me as well. Now I have a 2 bedroom, fairly large flat. To myself. I don't have time to meet people, and I don't even like me, so I don't know why anyone else should.

On top of that, my main method of de-stressing has been pretty much impossible since november due to constant storms and weather stopping me from going mountainbiking. Riding on roads or an excercise bike isn't the same, it's just exercise, not fun.

The general feeling at the moment is that I put a lot of effort into everything I do, work or animating, and it never seems to translate to anything. I push at work, I get shittier projects. Animation, things get put online and barely gets any views. I know these things should be done for the joy of creating, but it's still nice to know that what you're doing has a point. Why create stuff if nobody ever sees it or uses it? Even down to the story itself. They say you should write what you know, yet somehow my stories keep ending up with relationships and friends, which are about as far from "what you know" as it's possible to get.

This whole weekend, I've been on the verge of just fucking giving up on everything. Quitting my job, closing down Patreon and just dumping all the assets online for people to take.

I don't think I will, but to be honest, my morale is as low as it can really go. Though I'm sure that by saying that, tomorrow is going to be even fucking worse.

TL:DR - I complain about how shit my life is, in a self-centered bout of first world problems, while people on the other side of Europe are literally fighting for their lives against invaders, and I should be ashamed of myself.

Anyway, here's a naked Squirrel girl.