Elexiay!

Custom Crochet Couture by @Elexiay on Instagram. 

I recently had all my videos removed from YouTube (I had them all reinstated) because somebunny was offended by my dancing in sheer dresses. I can understand because I remember being that person who is crippled by a lack of self-worth and threatened by anyone who was able to present it. I remember getting literally physically ill when ex lovers took interest in anyone else. I remember the fear of being overlooked because the girl beside me was much more traditionally, sexually attractive. I thought we were in competition, and that I could never compare. I thought no lover will ever see me for who I am inside because all they care about is who looks best outside. I'll always be alone simply because I'm not beautiful enough to get their attention. I wished they didn't exist, this untouchable group of women and their unattainable beauty that were hoarding all the love and attention for themselves.
  One day, through an avalanche of unavoidable circumstances, I was forced to pretend to be beautiful in hopes of earning enough money to cover my many financial responsibilities... like my horses! I found an ad for "Art Nude Model" and it paid $100/hr. I disconnected from my egotistical fear of being judged on my appearance and sent over some pictures. He set a date and I've written about this man and my first few nude modeling experiences and how they often turned into being alone in some uninhabited place with a sexual predator. Anyhow, those stories and lessons learned are all on my Patreon (link in bio) if you want to read them, but the point of this story is that through so many hard challenges I finally realized that being beautiful was as lonely as not being beautiful because beauty in that form of physical appearance doesn't have anything to do with who a person truly is. To be recognized as so very simply "beautiful looking" is no different, and in my experience, more dangerous, than not being seen because you've been judged as physically unappealing. When I sought to use my beauty to make money off of men desperate for easy, uncaring, escape from having their efforts rejected, I was the one being used. The money was not enough to make up for the psychological pressure, loneliness and my lingering distrust of compliments. My beauty was in my kindness, my experiences that helped me empathize with all kinds of people, my love for life, my unbreakable optimism for the future, and that was what I wanted to be seen for. The women who were so admired by men for their looks were being overlooked just the same. We were not in competition, unless that competition was who can be the most widely used and undervalued. I stepped into the world of being commoditized as a beautiful tool, and it was just as lonely and heartbreaking. It did bring me an audience, and in getting their attention with my "daring" physical confidence, I used my voice! I use this opportunity to introduce myself and I finally feel known and I feel uniquely beautiful and seen. I feel lucky to be me, I appreciate myself, and that reflects into my appreciation of all women, and my knowing that it's no shame to want to be seen, to find some connection with others. At the basis of life itself is "togetherness". Did you know that when atoms are split and electrons and protons are kept separate that they fizzle out and dissappear? Life (movement) is connectedness or there would be nothing physical at all! At our deepest level we are here to connect, create, make space, grow. I hope to inspire women to connect with each other, not separate themselves with the excuse of fighting for opposing causes. They are the same, the woman reporting videos in tears or fury or spite, because she wants a chance at being seen herself, and the woman posting the videos looking for recognition and really, connection.
  Working together, all people can find their value in this world, release the superficial boundaries we use to define and separate ourselves and come together to become something much bigger and better and more interesting and more powerful than the world has ever witnessed. I see that in our future. I see it happening person by person every day, even as I scroll through instagram and read Beautiful, inspiring words written by people around the world all asking for the same thing. To be seen and respected as equal entities, however they choose to represent and reflect their insides to their outsides. I'm glad for the honesty, the growth, the infinite expansion of understanding. I could go on forever because it's just so wonderful and fun and exciting and yay, but I have to feed the horsies now,  bye! Be you today! If someone puts you down for being you, try and be compassionate in knowing that they are afraid and feel the threat of honesty rocking their insecure, likely imposed and uncomfortable identity. Be nice everyone who knows who they are, to those who are not quite there yet. Be encouraging, don't give up, don't let them shake you and bring you down to their level. Educate and validate yourself by holding steady and reacting with the love you have found for yourself and which you hope that they can find for themselves! 

Okay the horses are staring into my window like... why does she live her phone more than us? I wish I were a stupid phone...
You see!? I am going to remind them now how adored they are.