Waitress to Nude Model

It was summer 2015 and I had recently quit my job waitressing which I found to be too limiting to my timeline. I was always working while my friends were out having fun and I just wasn't enjoying it anymore. The previous week, it was my friends birthday, and I was scheduled to work at 4pm.. We started that morning with a bottle of champagne.. each, and then weed brownies and when one o clock hit, I asked my friend to please call my boss Patrick and quit my job for me because I couldn't handle the disappointment he would surely express. They really loved me at that French restaurant called Chef Patrick's who was a hilariously inappropriate gambling vietnamese man. I was not a great waitress. However, I was beautiful, 24, always wearing tight black 50s pencil skirts and low cut tops with push up bras, and always smiling, and for those reasons alone, they kept me. Because the reality of my waitressing was this; I didn't write anything down, and I had a non existent short term memory. I had also never been a waitress before, I had never opened a wine bottle, let alone champagne, I was always late, absolutely zero knowledge of wine, and I did whatever I had to to avoid confrontation, and for these reasons I was a very bad waitress. Many, many, oh so many times I would forget whst people had ordered almost the second I walked away from their table. At the time I was really into song writing, and was easily distracted by new lyric and melody ideas. Those I totally did write down. So, I would stand at the iPad where we input the customers orders, and survey the progress in the restaurant and make my very best guess as to what they would like. I would present my guesses with so much excitement that I think it was often impossible for the guests to correct me. They usually took what they got and liked it. Sometimes, someone would go, "Uhmmm Excuse Me!? Hi, yeah, uhm I ordered the pork chop, not the salmon.." to which i would say, "I know! Im so sorry about that! We actually ran out of the pork chop and this is our house specialty, fresh from our local coast (not true, everything was from costco)!" Pause... she's deliberating internally.. I interrupt super excitedly and full of promise for an upcoming thrill, "So, are you guys from around here!?" Almost no one was, this was the tourist town of Guerneville, and locals don't eat at ther only fancy restaurant in town, and I knew alllll the locals. "No, actually we're visiting from Ohio, here for a wedding." I would light up like they won the lottery! I pulled from my waitressing pocket a list I had written a thousand times over of the most enchanted places and things to do in Sonoma County. I explained some of the best ones, and they had no choice but to get excited with me. I am undeniable when I turn on the excited charm. Because I really, really do love it here. There's a reason we're currently paying $3500/m. for a 600sqft 1 bedroom cottage. Sonoma County is the greatest place on earth and everybody knows it so they charge for the pleasure. Anyways, I would leave the couple to their planning of their days to come based on my very fun list, knowing full well that I would get my 20% tip despite her not getting exactly what she had planned on getting. There are still yelp reviews about me. Of course the competition there was not difficult. The other waitress would come in totally drunk and angry at the world, and the only male waiter, who was my friend, was usually tripping on acid, which was very funny! Once, a drunk Australian man came and sat at the bar, flirting with me in a mist inappropriate manner, which I endured because he was drunk and spending s lot, and I expected a great tip. He ordered the best wine, drank a bottle to himself, had the $60 surf and turf plate, and dessert and port, and fell asleep at the bar... I kept poking him to wake him up, pulled his long blonde curls a few times, and had him sign the check which was almost $150. He left exactly enough for the bill, no tip, and stumbled out the door, then ran back in to wink at me. Once I discovered I had been stiffed by him, I was furious. Two hours later, I saw him stumbling down the side walk, and I ran outside to grab him. "Oh sir, I'm so glad I caught you! You're so drunk you completely forgot to tip me for my excellent service! Here let me help you" I escorted him back to the bar and sat him down. He was confused. "Do you have your wallet with you?" Her pulls it out, "Here, let me help you,  and I took his wallet, opened it and took $20 out for myself. I waved it in his face, he could only keep one eye open. My boss, Chef Patrick, LOVED this! He had hated the drunk Australian while I was waiting on him earlier and kept telling me that man was a "fool loser". Chef Patrick had a thick vietnamese accent, and his version of English was so fun to listen to and repeat to all your friends. He ran out of the kitchen, grinning like the Grinch would if a Christmas tree lot had caught fire, and he points in the guys face, pausing for a second with his evil/happy grin. "SUCK-A-MY-HO-ASSHO!!!!!!!!!!! AHHH HAHAHAHA!!!" He is pointing and laughing like a bully on the playground, and everyone enjoys this as they've seen how the Australian had been treating me. The Australian is wiping his face and hair back, looking very stressed out and confused. Then he spies me again with his clear eye and his expression changes to .. "charming"?, "Hey, honey you want a drink?" He tries to smile a little, and I say, "Let's go." I help him up, and lead him out the door then turn on my heel right back into my restaurant and count my tips for the evening. I made like $250 that night. Very nice. Sometimes you have to take what's owed you, at least that's what the Hell's Angel's always said...

  Anyways, I quit that fun little restaurant because I was too cross faded (drunk and high) and having too much fun on my friends birthday to go in, and because I had more life to experience. And so my friend called up Chef Patrick on that fateful day and said, "Suzy's not coming in chief, sorry, nope, not tonight, not ever again. Hey, don't beat yourself up over it, you're a good man." I cried for fear of the disappointment I'd caused, but then we had karaoke in the house, and all feelings of unpleasantness vanished. The following week, when rent and horse board was due and I was out of hay and grain, and my custom couture #DaintyRascal dresses weren't selling, I realized I needed another way to make money.. a way that wouldn't interfere with my evenings, and that required less of my time, but paid more money.. 

  Well, it was an easy choice. I would become a "fine art nude model". And where would I find such work? Craigslist, of course!

And so it began!