Experienced Topless Bartender

Photographs by the enchanted @FieryorbsAbove on Instagram.  

Browsing craigslist for my next modeling job, I spy an ad for "Topless Bartender Wanted". Its a short, simple ad, requesting a cute young lady to wear red panties, and red bowtie would be provided, and I was to serve drinks at an exclusive party at a private residence in Oakland. Must have experience bartending. I immediately envisioned myself behind a glass bar in an upscale old mansion serving fancy couples in suits and gowns. Everyone asked for red wine, (because I can't open champagne bottles- I'm more of a duck and take cover with my eyes squeezed shut kind of champagne person..). I also didn't drink much due to liver issues, and I had never ever made a drink other than vodka and orange juice. I didn't know how much a "shot" was, I didn't know the names of other alcohols or drinks... But I wanted to make big money at this fancy party and maybe meet a millionaire and marry him and then he would buy me a beautiful horse ranch and say, "save them all.." as he handed me a blank credit card. This was a very good plan and nothing was going to stop me from following it through. So I looked online at all the famous drinks and how they were made. I "borrowed" a roommate's shot glass. I made a drink recipe cheat sheet. And within a couple hours of responding with my dramatic outdoor nude modeling photos and a well written self sales job on what an experienced Bar Tender I was, I had a woman texting me that im hired, and to meet her at a certain address in Fruitvale. Not the part of Oakland I imagined to find a mansion in, but then again I hadn't explored there. 

   Two days later and it was the eve of the big gig. I hadn't really prepared and in some weird turn of events, all my red underwear were missing.. My friends picked me up as they had plans in the city tonight, sho were decided to carpool. They were also very curious about this fancy sexy party and were wondering if they could sneak in. They were dressed like celebrities at the golden globes. I was wearing the ugliest, worst fitting red cotton panties that were kind of baggy in the butt and tight on ther hips and hit me at an awkward place on my stomach and I hated them. They were the ONLY pair of red underwear in whatever shop were stopped at to get red panties. I was pissed. 

  Anyways, we're in Oakland, driving down the street the party is located on, and it doesn't feel right.. These streets are not lined with fancy mansions of old, it's more like dimly lit liquor stores, crumbling houses with bars over the windows and boards beneath them. Destitute fellows lying under blankets on the sidewalk. A nighttime parade of about 100 young people on every kind of bike including unicycles rides past while drinking beer cans and cheering and jeering our fancy top of the line Audi SUV that is so out of place here. GPS says 2 more blocks, and it's not looking any better. And then...! The streets are roaring! The thundering sound of more than 100 motorcycles revving and peeling out fills our ears so fully that we can't hear lana singing "Just Ride" on the radio anymore. We're driving into the thick of it, just tons of big men on bigger bikes, some are just stopped talking in the middle of the street. The sidewalks are lined with motorcycles. GPS says we've arrived. The Building is big, but not.. "fancy". A sculpture of wings and a helmet? Is underlit on the front of the building, and I put it together, delighted by the drama of the situation, just as my friends put it together and are horrified at the "danger" of the situation. "NO!" They shout back at me simultaneously. "IT'S NOT WORTH IT!" says my best friend, "They will rape and kill you. These are not good people", says her boyfriend. This is better than a mansion, I think. We have arrived at the Oakland Clubhouse for the Infamous Hell's Angel's Motorcycle Gang. And im about to be their topless bartender for initiation night of the pledges. Im smiling so big right now. I text my contact, "Here! =)!!!!!" She says to meet her under the lamp post across the street. She's kind of spacey and frantic, and as she puts a red bowtie around my neck, she immediately lets me know this is a really difficult time for her because her boyfriend's wife is going to be here tonight and she doesn't think she can handle it. She's holding back tears, and explains herself further, "I guess I knew it would be like this, I just always thought he would leave her.." she catches several jagged breaths,  then explodes, "shes a fuckin hag! What the fuck!" I'm not surprised, it's actually common practice that people immediately divulge all their personal problems to me. If I didn't hate schooling and third party validation systems so much, I'd be a therapist. "He's probably afraid of some form of control she has over him, and how well she knows his flaws, and he prefers the way you see him as this strong, powerful man, and it turns him on. He wants you, but she's his partner." She's calmer, but frustrated, "That's EXACTLY what's going on!!!" Yes!" And we're continue to talk it through, and I suggest that she find a man who doesn't need two women to support his extra heavy ego. She agrees, but she can't.. she's in love with him.. "I'm like OBSESSED! Like we're take vacations together and is been 4 years and I'm like not getting any younger, you know?!?" I'm 24 at the time, but people always think im in my 30s, so I say, "Yeah, I feel ya, and I don't think you should live your life like this." She nods, all teary, "Yeah, I know. It's gotta stop.. I deserve better!" Now what I didn't know is that she was secretly dating the leader of the pack, and causing upset between him and his side bitch was going to make for an "excellent" show later. A couple big guys walk over and introduce themselves. They say they're ready to escort us in. We cross the street together, and walk through a hallway to a big open party room filled with people, and she leads me behind a long wooden bar. Here's the rum, there's the cokes, there's the fireball, there's the Jack, some of the elves and girlfriends like vodka, it's back there. Here's the beer, keep this fridge stocked. The pledges are here to help you in any way. You'll be working with (I forgot her name, but she was clearly high AF on probably everything) and she immediately tells me, "I'm fucked there fuck up right now to be honest". Oh. "Well I'm totally sober, so I'll help you". She laughs too hard and almost falls over. "You'll fit right in.." she says sarcastically while rolling her eyes which makes her dizzy and fall against the bar. I realize she won't last, and I'm not really a team player anyways. Im delighted that they're just serving simple drinks, since I totally didn't memorize the drink recipes and I was stressed about that. However, I didn't bring the shot glass and for some reason I remember a shot being like a little under a cup. This makes everyone tip me really well but also gets everyone extremely drunk, very early on. My co- worker struggles on fucking up drinks, spilling all over the place and cursing at the guys who are cursing at her. Eventually she falls down passed out and some guy says, "she took way too much, I saw that coming!" And he walks behind the bar, picks her up and carries her away. I'm now the only bar Tender, and I get Allllllll the tips which are being stuffed into two big 5 gallon water jugs. For the most part everyone is really nice. Every so often I get a pinch or a pat on the butt by someone walking behind the bar, to impatient to wait for me to get their drink. Some guys press their icy beer cans against my boobs curious about how my nipples will react. None of this bothers me. It's all in good fun and no one had gotten violent yet. A couple of women come up to the bar in tight stretchy black tube dresses and lots of dark makeup and bleach dried hair and one asks for a "Cosmo" and the other wants a "Daquiri". I have no idea what is in either of those drinks. Ok, it will be a couple minutes, I say. "Why?" One shoots back, clearly irritated with my topless presence here. I just smile and sink belle the bar and ask google, "how do I make a daiquiri?" But there is no singal here.. it's loading, loading... sorry, you're not connected to the internet. Fuck! So, as I often did as a waitress, I improvised.. A little vodka, a little orange juice, a little cranberry juice, a little rum, a little tequila. And I pretty much just do that for both in different ratios so they are different colors. I put them on the bat in front of the ladies while they are turned away and rub too the other end of the bar, and start pouring fireballs and Jack and cokes. I hear one lady exclaim, "what the fuck kind of daiquiri is this?" But they take their Frankenstein drinks and waddle back to their table in their 6 inch heels that make them all of maybe 5'6" tall. Then the lady who brought me here says, "take a break, the boys will take over for a bit." She pulls me away by the arm and points to one of the more pushy guys who's been really loud and is obviously on coke or meth because he's having a better tone than everybody and he's kind of raging. "That's him." He struts dramatically to ther music pumping his fists in the air and roaring along with the metal song playing. He grabs an unsuspecting woman from behind and swings her around. It's the woman who ordered a "daquiri". She doesn't really react at all and continues her conversation with the other lady. He clearly wanted more attention and bangs his fists on their table and one of my Frankenstein drinks spills over, rolls off the table and breaks. Now there's a bit of an argument back and forth between the man and woman. She walks off angrily til another room. He looks around the room and spies us and locking eyes with this lady beside me, makes a Bee Line Strut directly towards us. "Fuck.." she whispers. "I fucking love him." I think she's pretty high, I look around and I think they might all be high-drunk, and I'm the only sober one here. He grabs her and picks her up and kind of weirdly dances with her, then pushes her against a wall, and then walks away. "Wait!!" She cries, and they walk down some other hallway and disappear for a while. A few of the helper pledges have been flirting with me, and one of them is devastatingly handsome.. He's working the bar in my absence, so I go back there and start serving drinks and "accidentally" bumping against him. He's eagerly polite and ready to assist me in any way. He's very puppy like, with puppy eyes, and I think about what life would be like living with these "Angels". I could help them bring down the government. We would start with bombing traffic court (at night obviously when no one was there, I'm not evil), then DMVs, IRS, County Permits Office, Bulldoze parking meters of the sidewalks... Utopia.. Amidst my daydream someone asks me to go to the outdoor bar because another girl "had too much and can't work". It's REALLY cold outside, and the men love that. They take lots of pictures of my tits and make every kind of hard nipple joke they can think up. A prankster runs up and pulls open the backside of my ugly red panties and drops in a handful of ice. Everyone except one elder thinks this is hilarious. He grabs the prankster by the neck and grunts, "Apoligize you fuck". He drops the young prankster who looks sad and scared. He walks up to me and says, "Sorry, I got carried away. Can I help you?". "Oh it's ok, really woke me up, i could do this all night now." He looks back at the Elder, who nods and he walks off. Things are suddenly serious. No one orders a drink from me for a while. Then the sad side chick lady finds me and pulls me away. I can't really understand what she's saying because her words are jumbled and she's sort of crying. So I just keep telling her, "its ok". And she hangs on me for a while, catching her balance. Suddenly she stands up straight and looks in my eyes with one eye open, "Fuck him." She sighs and sits, and just then! My friends walk out from the party room looking like super stars! They come right over and stay talking to this sad lady who tells them her sad story of love that cannot be. Kind of loudly actually.. and everyone is sort of listening.. And a couple young girls come sit with us joined by some really rough looking old guys that are smoking weed. They're talking about getting some crystal for the girls and meeting them back at the hotel. One of the girls asks of im joining them. "No, thank you." Were talking to the girls and slowy realize they're prostitutes for the gang. Mostly interested in what drugs are going to be available for them. The men pull out their hand guns and are comparing features. Im freezing cold, the party's dying down, and I go inside to get my hourly pay and count my tips so we can go. I made $750 in three hours that night. Not bad! A week later, that same lady contacts me again and wants me to Bar Tend for their Halloween Ball. I'm so in!