Evading an Officer

Photos are taken by my beautiful friend Ish as who is now booking new clients through Instagram at @bokehandloom and @fieryorbsabove.

I had recently moved out on my own for the first time ever at 23. I had been living with my boyfriend, now exhusband since I was 16. I had my fashion designer business @DaintyRascal since I was 19, and made Marilyn Monroe replica dresses, pinup playsuits, burlesque costumes and wedding gowns. I often spent 16 hours a day taking clients measures, drafting their dresses, sewing, and after the cost of materials, and two horses, and my rent, rarely had a penny to pinch. My clients were always talking me down in price, and at the time I had no boundaries, and was desperate for any sale. I ended up making custom couture wedding gowns, made to measure, from scratch for $500. I would profit $100 if I was lucky, after spending 20 to 40 hours on their gown, which of course must be "perfect" and included many revisions. I was eventually forced to find a real job. My mom wanted me to work at Safeway. I just couldn't do it. I made up a fake resume that told off my incredible past experiences as a fine dining waitress. Sadly, of course, all these restaurants had since closed and there would be no one to call for references. ;^). I started at a French restaurant called Chef Patrick's, owned by a wild Vietnamese man who turned a thin koi fish whenever I came to work stoned. (Weed was free for me, always, as a cute girl).

  So, one day, I was driving home, well after midnight, and saw the dreaded flashing lights behind me. I panicked, I had not yet been able to afford my registration, which had many parking tickets attached to it, and therefore, I couldn't get insurance either.. I debated pending to pull over, then racing down backroads I knew like the back of my hand. I had horrible, gut churning cramps, and I was about to cry. I could be arrested and my car could be towed if I didn't play this right. Luckily, as a waitress, who is also a fashion designer, I was dressed in a tight black mini skirt, fishnets, and a sheer black lace top with a blank lace push up bra mashing my cleavage to my collar bones. My blonde hair half up, and the rest falling in curls down my back. This was my distraction ticket to not get a ticket. I took a deep breath and pulled into a parking lot. Two young men stepped out of the car and came to my window. To my surprise, the first thing he said was not, license, proof of insurance and registration please, as I had heard so many many times before. Instead, "Do you know why we pulled you over?" I honestly didn't, I wasn't speeding I hoped.. "I actually was wondering that". I said with a confused look of innocence and bewilderment. "Well, you have something hanging off the underside of the back of your car and it's sending sparks. Ahhhh, yes.. I did know about this, but I did not know hotte to fix it. I once slid under my car to yank it off, but it was very much stuck and seemed integral. I did not have the money to fix it, however, so it remained as it was. "What is it?.. WHERE is it? No! I haven't seen anything like that, I guess im just not sure what you're talking about.." I seemed terribly confused and added a hint of damsel in distress fear to my voice and face. I played with my necklace, dipping it into my cleavage. "It's a hazard to other drivers and sparks could ignite roadside fires, I'm going to have to-" I didn't let him finish. I started getting teary eyed, he is NOT going to "have to" write me a ticket! "I just don't know what you're taking about! What thing hanging off where!? Can't you just pull it off!?" I was wild with panic! "OK, miss, stay calm, I'm going to ask you to step out of your vehicle so I can show you what's going on". I smiled like an angel, perfect. I got out slowly, extending one long fishnet leg at a time, my stomach gurgled obnoxiously, no matter, I lifted myself up, chest first out of my seat. They both backed up. Hahaha.. I strutted slowly to the back of my car, and they stood directly beside me. The second officer bent down and pointed under my car, "It's under here.. Miss.." he swalloed hard. He was delightfully nervous. I took a few steps forward, well aware their eyes were planted on my tight little miniskirt. I slowly bent over, my shirt skirt inching up closer and closer to revealing the fact that I wasn't even wearing underwear with my fishnet stockings. Further, further I bent, and then.. in a hot rush of bloody shame, blood seemed to projectile squirt from me and the bending over process.. It cascaded down my pale legs, pooling against the black fishnets.. I didn't move. I wished this were a dream. "Ma'am... Have a goodnight..." I heard the car doors open and close. Well... all's well that ends well? I didn't get a ticket, so.. Luckily, I'm one of those people who has many random things in her car, and I found a towel to sacrifice as I drive myself home laughing hysterically but also fairly embarrassed..

 That is by no means the funniest cops story I have for you. It's perhaps this one which is my favorite... I was also poor, uninsured, unregistered and at that very small moment in time, and for no fault of my own, only for the fault if finances, unlicensed. The catch is that if you don't drive, and you live on a mountaintop with no cell service or internet, you will starve and die and not be able to make the money to pay for the "privilege" of driving. So here is just another example at a failed attempt at authority. Don't punish people who don't have money by charging them more money. Idiot's. I couldn't participate and therefore perpetuate a failed system, so I was driving down my mountain to meet my parents for breakfast. They had taken pity on my poor, recently divorced self and bought me a bag of groceries they were going to give me over a nice hot breakfast at their favorite cheapo diner. My mom had repeated at least 13 times, "Do Not Be Late! We are in a big hurry to get to the shop today!" (They own a gallery and frame shop.). So it was looking like I was going to be a little late, and I was driving like a normal late person would, with haste. Coming around a steep corner which my cat handled so well around, I was going, perhaps.. 60ish.. in a "45" zone. Hidden around the corner was a police car pulled over and a man using his radar gun to zap unsuspecting late folk such as myself. He got me! I knew this time, if I was pulled over, they would take everything from me, including my future and any ability to support myself. He was out of his car, and facing the opposite direction..  l had to make a run for it! Pedal to the floor, I zipped around the next corner, siren wailing behind me! My little base model 2001 Toyota Echo manual stick shift with no power anything had a lot of pick up, but top speed was sadly 80.. which my parents loved.. I spied the next turn off road and pulled my e brake and drifted to it with such accuracy I had never pulled off before. I was proud and I was getting away! Then! To my horror! I realized.. This was no road.. this was a middle school parking lot! And the way out was the way in, and only after you drove through the parking maze!!!! I parked the car and started running for the school, the siren was right behind me. I heard his cat screech to a halt, I barely heard him get out and start running after me over my thudding heart! "HEY! STOP!" As if his simple suggestion would change my course so easily.. "I'm SORRY, I HAVE TO PICK UP MY SICK SON!" I yelled back. It was not a good excuse, but i was panicked. Oh and what was I wearing today? A sheer white lace dress I made and bright turquoise matching pushup bra and thong peeking through the lace from beneath. And turquoise satin high heels with crystals on the heels and toes... I looked like a naughty angel, not so much a middle school mom.. Still, I sprinted over the lawn, somehow he was gaining on me. I reached for the school push door, I pushed! I pushed! I frantically pushed! It was.. locked. He caught up and slammed his fist on the door in fury, and gave me a seriously confused look as he realized I was but an innocent, scared dove. He was a giant in every direction and his breathing was extremely labored. A moment of dark side washed over me and I wondered if he might have a heart attack and I could escape.. But no.. I of course would have stayed and helped him. I collapsed dramatically into the grass as he started telling me hide much trouble I was in, lying, evading, so on.. I flung myself back and forth across the cold wet grass, heaving sobs into the earth. I wailed out, "I HAVE NOTHING!" and sobbed so heavily I started to hyperventilate. Again and again and with increasing volume I screamed out, "I HAVE NOTHING!" Until, this police man took pity on my hopeless soul, knelt down beside me and started petting my back as I uncontrollably sobbed. "It's ok honey... You're not a bad person... You just made a few bad choices.." Did I really hear that? Was I a Jedi Master? Now I was pretending to cry, but really I was shocked with relief. "Focus on your breathing, in, count to three, out, count to three." Why was he being so nice??? Was it my #DaintyRascal couture dress? Most likely, yes. I make every piece with the purest intent of love and good times. "I'm gonna help you sit up now." And he timidly placed his hands on my sides and pulled me up to a sitting position. I looked into his eyes, mine still tearing up and huge. He looked around for a minute, and said, "Let me help you to your car." And he grabbed my hand and pulled me to my feet, and did not let go as he tenderly walked me back to my little silver tin box of a car. He opened my door, and I sat down. "Now, I'm going to let you go with a stern warning. Don't let me catch you speeding anywhere, ever again, do you understand?" I nodded my head, dazed. "Take your time, connect yourself before you take to the road again, and stay safe." And he walked back to his car, got in and simply left! I immediately looked at the clock. Verrry late. 7 missed calls, many text messages in all capital letters, "WHERE ARE YOU!?". I drove to the edge of the speed limit all the way to the diner, and pulled into their lot just as my parents were pulling out. My mom reaches from the passanger seat and honks the horn dramatically with her ragous fist. She reaches further and rolls down my poor dad's window and lets me have it. How could I do this to them? They were trying to be nice and offer me a gift! She was crying. Menopause had been a difficult time for her, but then again so had all her life. I tried to explain that I'd been pulled over, and she cried out, "Oh my God! How could you be so irresponsible!? How are you going to pay for a ticket!?" I got let go with a warning! I yelled back. She finally turned away, hand up towards me like she couldn't take it anymore. This is no doubt where I get my dramatic antics. My dad shrugs and says calmly, "We left the groceries on a table inside and left a blank check for your breakfast with the waitress." And drove way. I parked, walked inside, all eyes on me and my very out of place outfit in a diner full of truckers and construction workers and retired elderly couples. I sat in silence at a table for 4, and ordered a delicious, greasy omelet. I g gave the waitress a generous tip and left to go use the internet at my favorite coffee shop. I searched through craigslist gigs.. Desperate times..