I daydream at night... so is it still called a "daydream?"

I'm listening to "Cultural Mixing" by Kaqriyo Terror Architect. It's been a long time since I've actually absorbed the brilliance of this album. Every single song is perfect. Not one bad note in the entire album. That's so fucking rare these days. And of course, it figures that this group in their prime were three girls who went onstage and were one of the greatest idol groups in the entire world... maybe in history. Seriously, you can't underestimate what Nona, and Kotetsu and Yamakomaro did in their very short time together. I often find myself wanting to hear perfection, and this is it. Truly.

I also was reminded of this album because last week, I actually met Nona for the very first time after these past few years of seeing her perform but never actually talking to her or doing cheki with her, back when I was a fan of idol and not staff. I never had a chance to see her at a live, since KTA never really played anything that I was a part of, though I had tried to make that happen, believe me. I guess I never knew what I wanted to really tell Nona, since, if you've read anything that I've written in the past about her, then you know how much I love this girl. From a distance, and now at a professional distance at that, but still... it is a kind of long-standing, running joke with me and the people who know me well have heard me joke many times about how I truly like Nona, but yeah, I've never tried to approach her or anything. And when she graduated from KTA last January, my heart was devastated, as I thought I'd never see her again.

And then, there she was, standing in the staff area at Koenji High, watching Avandoned's final performance ever. 

I couldn't believe it. There she was, surrounded of course by many friends and other people. She said her goodbye to the Avandoned members and Beni a little later on, and coincidentally (and I SWEAR it was coincidentally), was leaving at the same time as I did. 

We both went outside, and she went over to talk to Jyu Jyu's producer, Daichi, and I wanted to go over to Daichi and say goodbye and pay my respects to him, and then me and Nona saw each other, for the first time in over a year and a half. During the KTA lives, when I was up front, she would come over to me and stand on me, hold my hand, slap me sometimes, and whisper crazy shit into my ears... she always gave me lots of attention. But now... so weird, I guess, to see her as a normal girl and not as somebody I watched onstage and who took my breath and heart away with every single performance.

"Oh my God... Nona?" I said to her.

She laughed. So did Daichi.  

"NONA?" She said in that signature helium voice of hers... "My name is not Nona." I guess she was referring to the fact that this was her nickname by fans. Her name in KTA was Nonamera, and right now... I didn't know what the fuck she was calling herself.

"Oh, right. Sorry! My name is Derek."

Nona looked at me with a deadpan expression and said one word:

"Shitteru."

How did she KNOW me? We never spoke? I was thinking maybe Beni had told her about me, since I had told Beni about my fake Nona crush a few times during my interviewing Beni  and following Beni around for my upcoming Idol documentary. That had to be it. 

Not that it mattered. I didn't know what to say, I was so shell-shocked. So I just mumbled, "Okay.... bye!" and then walked away. Nona said in English "Goodbye!" and started to laugh, and all the while, Daichi watched this unfold with amusement as I said goobye to him too. 

Fuck. My. Life.

There is actually more to this story, as something else crazy happened with Nona later in the week, but I don't want to jinx myself with this. It is a good kind of crazy. So hopefully what happened was something that could allow me to see Nona again. I really can't tell you how beautiful this girl actually is... you have to see her in person to believe it, and also... she is just super sharp, and her helium voice is SO disarming and yet so pleasant to the ears... I can't explain it. Nona is as weird and as wonderful as they come in the idol world.

I think also, for me, that night was particularly more emotional because I saw Avandoned perform for the final time ever. I have it all recorded on my camera, as I shared the stage with them and caught it all. And then me and Beni talked afterwards. I had talked to all of the members after their sound check... I brought them to tears almost, as I told them what Avandoned has meant to me over the years. They were so happy to hear it. And they really trusted me to shoot them on the stage at Koenji High. I'll NEVER forget Avandoned, and I hope nobody else does either. And hopefully Beni does something else in the idol world. She told me that she will, so I hope to see her doing something of her own again soon. Maybe for now though, I'll have to go watch her with Childish Tones, her throwback surfabilly rock band. She is amazing in it. But then again, she's amazing in everything she does and says.

Rip Avandoned. And thank you for the memories... and for crazy Mana chan! Looool. 

Anyway, my last weekend was spent taking cheki of all the members of Hissatsu Emomomomo7, NiANiHiL, and Baka Shinu (which is really two members of Emomomo). I had been wanting to work with Emox7 (that's the short version of their name, to be used from here on out) for over a year now. I LOVE their live performances, as they have this one song where it goes on for quite awhile, and it's a total fan participation song. The members of the group get off the stage (except for a few of them usually. There are 7 members in the group so they can spare a few bodies to stay on the stage) and then get every single person in the venue to go and perform all these crazy things with them, like doing a circle pit around them and with them, moving the entire crowd from side to side in the venue, and making everybody lock arms and headbang. It's just surreal to watch happen, and the girls do their best to not leave anyone out. Of course, there are fans who reject the idols when they go to them, which I'll NEVER understand that... given that it's a blessing to have an idol come up and ask you to dance with her. Sometimes the Emox7 members forget I'm staff and ask me to join. I have to remind them I'm staff, but honestly, if Minase, the green member with the glasses and who is my dear friend Cristafari's oshi in the group (and she's extremely fun to talk to and very polite in her Japanese language too) were to come and grab me and make me get into it, I would have to do it. I couldn't say no, because she KNOWS I'm staff, so if she ever asked me to participate, I would have no choice.

So yeah, it was fun to finally, FINALLY talk with these girls and take their cheki. The funny part was that each girl was off their rockers. The girl with the large boobs... she made it a point to let me know she had large boobs, and then for her cheki, made sure she emphasized this fact by squeezing them together in a lot of the profile cheki shots. Too funny. I couldn't stop laughing. 

Enma, who is also in Baka Shinu, was freaking out and laughing the whole time because I told her that foreign fans love the HENGAO faces that I often ask the idols to do. She wanted to do all of her initial chekis with the face. She was having fun with it, and she was soooo good at making the faces that I started laughing. And then she saw me laughing, and she couldn't stop laughing. So that was fun trying to manage taking chekis of her when we both were losing our shit.

Chihiro, the other Baka Shinu member and Emox7 member as well, was watching me with Enma and laughing it up too. When I took her cheki, we got into a discussion about tattoos, since she actually has some fun ones on her. She said she liked my tattoos. I told her I was covered and she was impressed. Then I asked if she had a lot but she said she didn't. It was fun to talk with her though. And she has cool snakebites that I think fit her face extremely well. She is an edgy one, but I think nice at heart.

By far, the best cheki I'd taken with any of them was with Yui, the yellow member. There is something really OFF with this girl. Like, she reminds me of Webshiki from Satanic Punish, but maybe happier? Like, Yui couldn't stop smiling, and she has these adorable braces on her teeth that make her smile really interesting. She also would NOT stop talking to me in English, even though I knew enough Japanese to guide her with the cheki session. 

"HELLO. MY NAME IS YUI!" 

She kept telling me this over and over again.  Then she wasn't happy with just standing there, taking cheki with me. She had to go over to the stage (we took cheki at Akiba Colors, before their live) and somehow put her rather long frame (she's kind of long and slender) through the guard rails and leaned forward to do a super woman pose. She kept trying to think of funny things to do. And then for the last shot, she made me take her cheki while she jumped in the air. Surprisingly, we both timed it right on the very first shot, and I nailed it.

All the chekis were taken, about 180 total. That is just fucking insane. And on top of that, I was able to get a ton of their merchandise to sell on Idol Underworld. And make plans to put up more merchandise on the site. I am so excited about this. I hope all of the cheki sell out too!

I took NiANiHiL's members chekis next, but had to do it outside, since the live was starting.  I don't think I got all the members, just four of them, because  NiANiHiL  was about to go onstage, but they did manage to give me their time, for which I'm grateful. They were fun to talk to, I suppose, though I didn't have much time with them because they were needing to get onstage fast and also it was super cold outside, and the members were in their costumes. I felt SO bad for them, but all of the members stood by each other and supported each other while I did the cheki with them. That was awesome to see. 

The next day, I went to Satanic Punish's dance practice, so that I could take cheki of their members to replace all the ones that got sold out over the weekend. And yeah, my fucking camera broke. BOTH of my cameras, actually, including my backup! 

I couldn't believe it. 

I could get into more of this story, but I've already told this story, so yeah, long story short here: In the space of ten minutes of asking for help online, all of you lovely people came to my rescue. I can't even write enough about what this made me feel, or about the kindness of those who did this for me, but I will say that it is overwhelming to have that kind of support. I actually got enough money to get two brand new Instax 90's, of which are working beautifully right now, I might add. And I owe it to ALL of you out there who helped me so fast and who wanted to help me. That's unbelievably awesome of you to do that. Thank you. Thank you, and give yourselves a bow for doing something truly important. Keeping me with a cheki camera means I can keep getting idols to come into the IU fold and then sell their merchandise to all of you. I don't have a big budget company backing me. I don't have some festival giving me money to bring groups over to play for them (not yet, anyway... but that could change soon). I don't have staff helping me here, and I don't speak competent Japanese to move bigger mountains (yet... I'm going to be fucking fluent in Japanese. Just wait!). Honestly, it's JUST me running IU. I've had SOME help from time to time, like actual people coming to help me, and their help was super appreciated, but now... I'm all by myself. And I'm not complaining at all here when I say this, but.. it takes a lot to do this, and I fucking hate hate HATE when life intervenes and throws me a shitty curveball like cameras breaking, or the more recent knuckle ball, this fucking bullshit Corona Virus panic nonsense (more on that in JUST a sec...). But one thing I know is that YOU are all out there, making me want to help you connect to idols here in Japan. You send me great emails, words of advice, strong critiques that I DO listen to, suggestions on who to work with, and so much more, and most of all, you send me your money to use for stuff like this. I'm SO grateful because I hate money. I don't like it, never really had it, and don't need it that much. I hate life stuff like money. I just want to create, and keep going forward, until all my creative goals are accomplished. And so getting cameras replaced THAT fast... it was because of your belief in me. So yeah, my love and heart are yours as well. 

What you can't have is me giving into this fucking bullshit nonsense about the Corona virus. I mean... look at the facts and you'll see this thing is just a strong flu. You aren't dying from this thing if you get it, at least not automatically. Yet people are reacting like it's a death sentence. They are focusing on infection, and being infected, but not actually at what happens when you're infected. I mean, you aren't going to bleed out your eyes and asshole like ebola. You are going to feel shitty for awhile, and then your immune system will do its job and fight off the infection. Unless you got some other conditions or you are a young kid with no really well developed immune system. Then you'll probably die...

JUST LIKE YOU WOULD IF YOU GOT A NORMAL FLU OR SERIOUS CASE OF PNEUMONIA!

I mean... this is NUTS, closing schools, limiting flights everywhere, and cancelling idol shows and fans just not coming to the shows (as was the case the other day at the MBE show... so sad to not see anyone there except a few brave and wonderful idol fans). SO WHAT if you get infected???? Everybody gets sick from the flu... like EVERYBODY... so does that mean we close schools down and stop all air traffic? Like... LOOK AT WHAT THE SYMPTOMS ARE AND TELL ME WHY PEOPLE ARE ACTING LIKE THEY ARE GOING TO DIE IF THEY GET THIS?

No known vaccine... I know that's what you're going to say. Antibiotics don't work on it... and there is no type of real medicine to take to combat it... but that's bullshit. You can take medicine to be comfortable while your body fights it off. So the media is making it sound like if you get infected, you are a goner... but you're not.

Oh, and speaking of the infection rate, I talked to a person who works in a lab as a scientist who deals with viruses and what not. He's a good, good friend of mine... he is shaking his head at all this too. He told me that statistically speaking, you have a higher chance of catching EBOLA than you do this virus. So I mean... enough is enough. Seriously. 

I didn't let this bullshit hysteria here in Japan affect me though. On Friday, I spent all day at a photoshoot I set up for one of my favorite idols. We worked all day and night on the shot, along with Izumi, the photographer. The shots we got were fucking amazing... seriously some of the best stuff I think I've ever done, and my concepts for a lot of the shots actually worked better than I had hoped. I can't WAIT to reveal who and what this is for... you are all going to be thrilled, I think, at this photoshoot. Let me just say that it is... um... a little EXTREME.

Not as extreme, perhaps, as Japanese people buying up all the toilet paper and masks everywhere. Seriously, do these people NOT understand what this virus is? Masks aren't going to do much to stop the transmission of the virus, and how the hell does toilet paper factor into this at all? And now I gotta figure out how I'm going to wipe my ass once my toilet paper stock runs out (thankfully, I had just bought some before all this nonsense started, so I'm good for now). But yeah... the idol shoot was edgy, and the first time I have actually really touched an idol since I used to shake hands with idols back as a fan. I can't get into specifics (and don't think anything pervy here either), but when I reveal this and what I did, what I just wrote will make a ton of sense. It's crazy. Just... I was in awe that this idol trusted me to do what I had to do in order to get the shots I needed. And we DID get the shots... they turned out even better than expected. 

I also had a great meeting with ANOTHER idol and her manager and we discussed possibly flying overseas to do a great photobook with her... we are working out the specifics of this, and I can't wait to see that come to fruition. It will be lots of fun, as I get to go someplace in the world I have never been to before. 

If this wasn't enough, right after the photoshoot was done on Friday, I went to a very late meeting in Shinjuku with Merry Bad End's management. The guy who wrote Wasamin's songs (as in Wasamin from AKB48, now an enka idol) was there too, and we caught up, as I hadn't seen him in awhile. But yeah... had to lay out a huge plan for MBE for this year and what I think we need to be doing really soon. There was not much disagreement with my thoughts, and we are all on the same page, so now it's a matter of getting Chihiro, Yuina, and Honami on board with the plans. I am not sure they are going to like one thing I'm suggesting, but we'll see... in any event, it was a good meeting, and it prefaces what I hope will be the breakout year for MBE. 

I had heard at some point between now and last week that Eirene had dropped from Satanic Punish. Or rather, withdrew. She had been dealing with a health issue, which is not bullshit and very much the truth, and had to leave Satanic Punish for now. I am not sure if she'll be gone for good, but that was a DEVASTATING blow to the group, who hasn't even fucking debut yet. Morisaki san, their producer and my dear, dear friend, was absolutely shook and depressed. He has worked SO hard to get the group up to this point to be debut-ready, and a week before the debut, they lose a KEY member? FUUUUUCK. I felt for him. And for the four remaining girls, but they all seem like they are going to be okay. I had watched the four of them at practice (as Eirene wasn't there...) and they looked SUPER strong and ready to take on the world. I can't wait to see them debut, and hopefully there will actually be people there to see them too... since, you know... everybody thinks they are going to automatically get the Corona virus and die if they step outside of their homes here in Japan. 

I actually had to attend another massive live and take even MORE chekis than the previous live I had been to with Emox7 and  NiANiHiL . This involved re:Alice, Diable Voix, and another group who I will be properly announcing as soon as I get all of their merchandise. It was so much fun to get to work with re:Alice, especially, since they are part of a LIVE Enter Prise entertainment, a company that has several idol groups and who are run by dudes that are in Visual-Kei bands. They are really, really nice, and the producer of re:Alice talked my ear off at the live about V-Kei. I know nothing about V-Kei, except maybe Dir en Gray (do they even count?), and the producer of re:Alice told me that Dir en Gray (I probably am spelling their name wrong, aren't I?) belongs to the same company as his V-Kei group that he does. They are band guys, who I am starting to think I get along with more than anyone else I work with. Like, the producer for Bury and the producer for Kaishin no Ichigeki are both guitar players, and we have that strong connection, since I was a guitar player. It just makes things easier to talk to them about stuff when I have nothing to talk about. It's just really, really great, you know? I like band guys who make idol groups. Morisaki san, too... he's an amazing guitar player, and Daisuke, the guy who writes MBE's music (and other groups too... can't say who, but they are HUGE underground idol groups that most idol fans listen to, and also he writes songs for AKB48), he is big on guitar as well. And I'm friendly with them all. 

So taking cheki of re:Alice was fun... pretty normal, except when I took cheki of Inari, I couldn't stop being so... taken by how perfect she looks. Like, there are some idols I know who are perfection personified, and then there are idols who are normal looking but are super huge in the personality department, and so on. Every idol is so unique and fun and special, but I tend to like idols who are tiny, super slim, and have perfect faces. That's just the type I tend to find myself really enjoying in terms of the looks department. Inari fits everything I am interested in, in that sense (though Yura from Aphrodite... she's the tallest idol in Japan, and I really adore her physical profile. Plus she's aloof, and I like that about her... so tall, yet so aloof... it's a great combination for an idol!). And thankfully, when I told Inari that I think she's very pretty, she was really happy.  And she was kind to me as well. She didn't care too much for one of the chekis I took where, like, a strand from her bangs was out of place, but I talked her into letting that cheki stay. Trust me, you wouldn't even know which cheki it was if I laid out all of them in front of you to look at. But she does have kind of a perfect body and perfect face, like... no fat, totally symmetrical, muscular in the right places, huge anime eyes, and a great smile... and yet... one bang out of place, and that upsets this kind of balance she has going on with her looks. I got it though. Honestly, I did, but yeah... I hope she sells out her cheki A LOT. I want to take her cheki as much as possible, since I enjoy being in her presence. The other members of course I enjoy too, so please don't get me wrong when I write this. I'm happy to do all of this all the time. I have YET to have a bad experience, and I hope I don't ever have a bad experience doing all of this. 

Later in the week, I met with another group, who signed on and said next week I can make the announcement. And I did a phone meeting with a producer who is in Okinawa and who runs a group here in Tokyo that I fucking REALLY adore and want to work with at IU. A group that most of you probably have NEVER heard of, but maaaan, they are SO good. I want to really shoot them into the atmosphere with exposure outside of Japan, considering how good they are. I'll hold my thoughts on this, since it's not a done deal yet. Looking to happen in June, but I am trying to make it happen before this.

Speaking of the summer, I've been hard at work on getting all the groups together for my birthday show I'm putting on. It's August 22nd at Rokumeikan. There's going to be a TON of groups there (many have already confirmed and signed on), plus I have some other surprises for that day. I will talk about this more as well when everything is solidified. One thing I CAN share is that foreign fans will get in for really cheap if they come to this show, and this show's theme is to go extra crazy for your group... and who knows what else? I got my eyes on some crazy thoughts.

Crazy thoughts. Been having lots of those lately... adding six groups to IU and over forty products and then getting MORE groups on the way and more products, plus working for MBE and Satanic Punish, AND doing photobooks... PLUS my documentary... yeah... it's been insanity every second of my days. I also am working on some interviews I'll be putting out really soon that were filmed AND SUBTITLED, and maybe something even bigger to announce with this, as it might be a continuing thing to do these videos (It depends on if I get support for it from all of you... I do have a Patreon tier for it, if you are interested!). And yeah... my documentary has been going good but really just trying to get little things figured out, like cleaning up the footage to make it look great. And of course, I need to figure out the flow still.. I thought I had it, and then I didn't, and now I think I might have it again. The problem is that I filmed a LOT of the interviews without actually knowing a lot of what was said. I have been going through them again with the help of translators and also what I know in Japanese now I didn't know back then, so now I can pick up a LOT more than I ever could before... but that's taking time. I gave myself a deadline of May 1st, but the thing is, the editor I'm working with... he needs paid. So that's the issue too.. I gotta make sure my editor gets what he needs, so on top of the documentary, I have to set up a Kickstarter and then get idols to agree to the crazy tiers for that too... so yeah... 

Sometimes I wonder what the fuck is wrong with me? My bucket list of writing my novels and making a documentary has now turned into a HUGE laundry list of wanting to get MANY things accomplished, like all of the aforementioned. OH, and possibly working on starting my OWN idol group in the future, once my Japanese is at a better level. Recently, I've felt the need to get onstage again. I blame this all on Merry Bad End's producer, Daisuke, who had me do the screaming vocals as practice vocals for Chihiro to use in an upcoming song. The parts were in English, so he wanted me to scream them, and I did and... it brought up something in me that I haven't felt in years... what it feels like to be onstage again. Even though it was in a studio.. Daisuke thought it was really good, and so did Kenji, and Chihiro, I think, and yeah... it made me want to do that again. Not ME, per se, as I want idols to do it, but I may sometimes join them onstage and play guitar and/or do vocals with them... I dunno... but I am thinking of doing that too. So it's like I have all these purposes here in Japan. And I'm not wanting to slow down at all with any of this. Thank GOD I only get sick like once a year, if that. So fuck you, Corona Virus! You aint' taking me down!

Lately, I've also been thinking about Europe and returning there, but with other idol groups this time. And I'm working on that happening. I've begun to... rekindle... an old friendship that never should have ended. And that friendship might turn into an actual way to have idols I love play Europe and wouldn't involve me going bankrupt in the process. And of course, I want to go to America, but that's hard with the immigration process being so cavalier and strict these days. My mother though, she keeps telling me that she has her own fantasy of cooking this gigantic Italian Sunday style dinner for the idols I would bring to America. I kept thinking about how if Honami from Merry Bad End were to be seen by my mother, my mother would fucking FREAK OUT and tell her she needs to EAT EAT EAT! Honami is maybe the thinnest idol I've met so far, and it almost looks unhealthy. Except Honami is super strong and intense and that's just how her body is... it's not from health problems, thank God. But my mother might have a different opinion. I can just picture poor Honami eating piles of spaghetti, bowls of salad, then cupcakes and muffins and cake and cookies that my mother would make for everybody. This thought makes me smile very much.

I've been wanting to smile more. I haven't really thought about the fact that I'm still single, still alone. I've had so much going on that there is no time to think about all of that, I guess. It is late at night, so that is when loneliness really swings its giant axe at my heart. I have to ignore it for now... I feel like I'm getting closer to the goals I have set up for myself, and i can't get too distracted by anyone right now. I need to get this documentary rolling and under control. The big thing hanging over me right now is getting the editing flow figured out... and learning Japanese. And getting my visa secured, which right now, seems like it's okay, but I haven't heard from immigration in months, so I dunno if that's a good sign or a bad sign? Or normal? I dunno. But other than these things, the aches in my heart are not something that can be repaired with lots of work, accomplishing goals, or even another person coming into my life to touch me like I want to be touched. It's more about finding ways to deal every single day with the huge losses in my life, and the psychological damage those losses have done and continue to do to me on a daily basis. Sometimes I'm on the train and it's too much... I can't take it, and I want to just say fuck it all and go home, try to sleep, and forget about everything and everyone. Become Hikkikomori. Never care again. But then I realize that I have too much obligation and a sense of duty to get things done before I retire from the world and give up. And Also... I don't see myself leaving the idol world at all.. I want to stay here forever. It's been, for the most part, a safe place. I mean... at any point, an idol group I've worked with can just STOP working with me, or do something that makes no sense to me, or just treat me like shit. It's happened to me a few times already with various groups who I won't mention, and various idols who I didn't think were capable of being the way they are too me... but that's idol for you. There is NO loyalty in idol really. I mean, I wish there was, but there just isn't, you know? I suppose it's no different than anywhere else a person works in their life. Your time with your co-workers is only as good as your performance at the job you're doing, or your reason for working with them. I have to remember always that I'm not friends really with anyone I work with, outside of a handful of people and idols, I would say too (although calling  an idol my "friend" feels incorrect too, since I don't hang out with idols or do things with them that would constitute a friendship of any kind. I guess what I mean is that they are just always friendly to me?). But at the end of the day, I sometimes do start to think about the fact that in 100 years, I will definitely be dead. And probably a LOT sooner than that... and who will remember this shit I've done? Will it matter at all? Will my life have meant anything at all to anyone? Or will I just be another blip in the world's timeline that didn't matter at all, in the long run? 

How appropriate that I'm listening to KTA's other CD they put out with Nona before she vanished, and the song TOO LATE just came on. Talk about perfect timing. 

You know, I don't care about money at all, but it would be nice before I die to give my mother a nice home and a staff to wait on her hand and foot. To give my brothers something similar. My sisters too. Miyuki, of course, I want to see her often, and I think with money, I could make that happen. Don't ask me how... I just think it would make me able to see her like I should be able to see her now but can't, thanks to Japan's SUPER fucked up laws about custody. I think with money, I could not always worry about things like needing a better computer, and maybe a nicer place to live that isn't so cold all the time and hotter than hell in the summer, and maybe have money to fly home to see my family, who I haven't seen in two and a half years. It would be nice to have money to hire staff to run IU and help with filming movies and also I can finish my novels I think a lot more easier if I didn't have to worry about so much work I have to do all the time, because I would have time to actually sit down and write. And so on. 

But what I have now, perhaps, might be better than having money. I have passion and a drive and belief in something bigger than me and what I'm doing. It's these idols who I love and support deeply, and that's... I dunno... it means something, right? Or does any of these mean anything at all? 

When I die, I want engraved on my tombstone, "SOMEDAY." 

Because someday I want this to all make sense. Someday I want to be with the ones I loved again. Someday I want to accomplish all these goals and then be remembered and celebrated for them, if possible (I'm not that humble... sorry, I like compliments and being recognized for what I do). 

For now, one last story:

One of the girls I met today who is part of this incredible idol group that is coming to IU next week.. I asked her if she knew any English. She smiled and then said she knew a little. I asked her what she knew, and she said she knew one word. I asked her what it was. She said this:

"MAYBE."

Nobody at the table stopped laughing for like a minute straight. Talk about a fucking absolutely useless English word to know. So I kept referencing that word, and then I told them I am studying Japanese, and also writing Japanese. I told them I really liked Hiragana. They were impressed. Then one of the girls asked me, "What about Katakana?"

I said in a flat, hateful voice: "I HATE Katakana." 

They couldn't stop laughing... they never thought of hating a part of their language, especially because I told them I thought Katakana looked boring... it looked like the scratch marks of a cat. And yeah... they were laughing so hard one of them spit out their coffee almost. I was having so much fun with them already. I can't WAIT to work with them, because it is a certainty and definitely not a..... wait for it.... wait for it...

MAYBE.