Therapy Deep Dive: People Pleasing
Added 2024-10-09 15:00:13 +0000 UTCLicensed therapist Jonathan Decker does a deep dive on people pleasing. He talks about his own experience with people pleasing growing up and how he worked through it. He also reacts to scenes from Encanto because there’s a lot of people pleasing going on in that family.
Comments
You said at the end about your gift being accepted. Gifts is my very close secondary love language. I have spent a lot of time feeling unlovable as well i shared somewhere else about my 3rd grade experience that probably started it. i am doing much better on that front but i still struggle when gifts i give are not appreciated. in my head i know it is not anyone's fault they just don't view gifts like i do. how do i tell my heart that it is ok? That part i haven't figured out yet. sorry it is a bit off topic but you talking about giving the gift of laughter etc brought it to the front of my brain especially because i snapped at someone last week who was not appreciative of something i made for them. We apologized to each other and all is well but i am upset with myself for acting out in the first place. and there the spiral begins.
Drug Princess
2024-10-24 03:11:01 +0000 UTCI can't listen to Surface Pressure without sobbing 😭. I was Luisa for a very long time. Thank you for this episode and for sharing your story, Jono.
Allie-3-Cinco
2024-10-16 08:32:54 +0000 UTCBeing the oldest and only child for the better part of 7 years until my younger brother came along. And then because we moved to Canada from Taiwan, my English was better and more fluent than my parents, especially my mother’s. So whenever she needed anything important done she would ask for my help. Immediately. Even when I was in the middle of something else, it was either right now or I’m gonna get yelled at and embarrassed over voice/video chat with my friends. It wasn’t until I was in my early 20s that I finally cracked and told her off that she realized how little she had respected my boundaries, and how much of it I had been expected to give up in order to “be a good respectful daughter”. Louisa was me 100%. I gladly helped whenever asked, don’t get me wrong. But sometimes I had honestly wished they had asked my then 15yr old brother to help instead while I was doing university homework.
Hikari Yamato
2024-10-15 21:53:59 +0000 UTCThank you so much for this episode! Literally something I've been working with my therapist on. Great episode.
CRC Montgomery
2024-10-14 21:57:39 +0000 UTCYup, I definitely heard this! Thanks! Side note: love the Isabella actress leaning into her American and Columbian accents to emphasize the speech while she enters the scene in her room 😍❤😍❤😍
Anna Murray
2024-10-14 17:46:19 +0000 UTCWARNING INCOMING RAMBLING———Well that was wild and eye opening. I would have never said I was ever a people pleaser. Ever. I am independent to the point of not giving a f what anyone thinks of me or my choices. Ima do me, you do you. You don’t like it that’s not my problem. That’s a you problem. But, maybe I’m wrong. I was 100% Louisa. The operative word being was, or at least, only in certain circumstances. I think that’s just what happens when you’re the oldest child though. Parents expect more of you. They think of you as ‘older’ than the rest therefore more able to be more mature and forget, you’re a kid too. My situation was not normal though. Mom was divorced. My younger brother was disabled. I was in charge of taking care of him, and basically I was another parent. Even when she remarried and we were adopted, I was still ‘the responsible one’. I told everyone when he died it was like losing a child not a brother because of that. But, the good news is, with time and reflection you realize that no, that’s not how you should be. That you are you and you’re great just the way you are. You don’t have to always be the strong one. You can ask for help. You can be weak. You can be vulnerable. And the Louisas of this world, like me, find that not just hard, but terrifying. When you’re always the one who everyone turns to, who do you turn to when you need help? If you don’t know the answer to that, you’re in trouble. And if you do it too much, or for too long, there isn’t anyone because they think you have it all together. All I can say to any of that is communication is king. I’m in my 50’s and I only talked to mom about all of that in the last year. And I was dumbfounded to find out she was terrified that I resented my childhood. The simple answer is no, I don’t. And it’s true. But I would jump into a volcano before I told her young me did. So yeah, despite being a strong independent woman who don’t need no man, I guess I am a people pleaser to those who matter to me. Didn’t see that coming. Yeah. Another day of being mute or rambling. Finding an in-between would be cool. Today is apparently a rambling day.
TrashPandaKitty
2024-10-11 04:34:11 +0000 UTCOf course!
SaucyJTD
2024-10-09 23:32:51 +0000 UTCThank you!!!
piper pine
2024-10-09 22:52:26 +0000 UTCAll I ever wanted was to please my mother, to just have her genuinely see me, be proud of me, and love me for me not just because I was her biological daughter. The primary attention I got from her was antagonistic or negative. I have SEVERE anxiety, c-ptsd, and ADHD (99%), but my mom only attributed it to personal failures in me, despite her being a special needs preschool teacher. I was diagnosed officially 2 months ago. I spent 16 years begging for her attention and approval, then another 13 on and off until I couldn't stand the gaslighting and manipulation anymore and I cut her off until/unless she really got help. She had given up on living life, never leaving the house but refusing to get help for more than 5 years. She died in July and I am more messed up than I can say. I'm trying to get her estate in order and I can barely make it through the day. The other major negative sources of my childhood exited my life 4-6 years ago. I finally have the room to breathe and I feel like I'm collapsing. Trying to find a trauma therapist. Sorry for the trauma dump I'm trying to separate other people's thoughts from my own, stop people pleasing, and unmasking so I can hopefully be less reactive, more stable, and most importantly to me be able to find calm and peace. My husband is the FIRST person who I felt safe enough to drop 90% of my mask with since I was told I wasn't 'right' and had to filter myself since I was a young child. I get to see my husband work on this as well and it is so rewarding to see him grow in his confidence and watch his personality bloom.
Cyn Hampton
2024-10-09 20:31:55 +0000 UTCGoing to steal some Jono wisdom here, since I read/have been reading these books thanks to him talking about them! Strongly recommend reading "Secure Love" by Julie Menanno and "How to Avoid Falling in Love with a Jerk" by Dr. John Van Epp. Both have tons of great tips and advice to help with everything you've just talked about. I wish you all the strength to work through your journey ❤️.
SaucyJTD
2024-10-09 20:30:20 +0000 UTCthank you so much for this video, and thank you for sharing your own experiences. it breaks my heart to hear bully stories. people can be so, so cruel. :( I'm so glad you have reached a healthier place now and you are a huge inspiration to me! I have fallen really badly into people pleasing and I was in a relationship of almost two years before he broke up with me, just a few weeks ago. he told me "I'm just not happy." part of me wondered why, what I did wrong, why nothing I was doing was enough; but that's exactly it, like you said, it was the motive. I was so afraid of him leaving or rejecting me or not liking parts of myself that I suppressed them and pretended I was what I wasn't. and when I did show parts of myself unfiltered, it was in moments of resentment/spite or emotional outbursts, so in his perspective it was always negative. there's dread there now where I have to face that my motivations behind a lot of my actions weren't honest, and that those behaviors probably lead to the end of my relationship, but now I know exactly where to work on to get better and the reasons why it is so, so important to. I knew I was doing things wrong in the relationship, I knew I had to fully be myself, and I let my fear hold me back from doing that. Because in my mind, having to pretend every day hurt less than if he rejected my true self. but moving forward I never want to do that again haha. I'm going through a lot of pain, but it's bittersweet, because now I am finally, really, going to work on loving and accepting myself and start my journey of how to embrace myself even when others don't, in the face of rejection. thank you so much again for all your videos, you, alan, and alicia have been helping me work through so many difficult things and I am so so grateful to have that! thanks for doing what you do!! <3
piper pine
2024-10-09 20:02:14 +0000 UTCI really appreciate you telling us your story. In many ways you and I have opposite stories. My bullies were my parents. At school I was safe. I was the kid that made everyone laugh. In a weird way I always knew I was people pleasing, because as I would interact with people, I would basically change everything about my personality to be what the other person I was interacting with wanted. And I knew I was doing it, but because I never received that unconditional love from parents, I thought that what I was doing was just what you had to do to be loved. And honestly watching neurotypical media where the characters are constantly lying to their friends and family and love interests, I was pretty sure I was doing everything right. It didn't occur to me that it might be bad until I found out I was autistic and learned about what masking was. Now I'm really trying to work hard on my people please behavior so I can find my own peace of mind and learn to love myself. I don't think I learned that I was unlovable as a kid, because I knew I could make myself loveable, but I definitely learned that love was conditional, and it's hard to unlearn that.
Smeeson
2024-10-09 15:45:55 +0000 UTCBetween my mom's BPD and the disorganized attachment that comes with that, my dad (my sister's all have different dads) dying of cancer and dealing with the side effects of crap chemo of the 90s but still trying to be there for me, my older sister leaning into her avoidance to preserve her sanity, and my younger sister anxiously leaning on me to protect her... I was raised to be a people pleaser. It was very much expected of me to fix everything, to protect everyone else, and to be the peacemaker of the house. As such, those habits continued to everyone and everything. It reached a point where I would feel like a failure if I didn't protect someone or failed to fix a situation, even at times when I logically knew there was nothing I could do. What helped me stop being such a constant people pleaser was when I had this sudden moment of realization that it was literally breaking me to constantly try to fix everyone around me. Furthermore, I realized that I was bending over backwards for people who didn't ask for me to do anything or even need it in the first place. I just assumed that I had to in order to be liked. Also, as far as bullies go, I can relate but not in the same way. My bullying was all about my physical appearance, rather than who I was as a person. This is the area in which I am least healed. I still hate being in pictures, I don't wear makeup because I would just assume they only like me because of the face I painted on, and I get super nervous meeting people in real life because I feel like I'm just gonna be a disappointment. I am still a Healer (hell, I scored a freaking 20 on the personality quiz), but I've come to realize that I can better "heal" others when I myself am healed and when they either ask for it or when I ask if they want anything in the first place. I've got my personality to a place where I like myself there. Just need to work on my confidence on physical appearance. Thanks for sharing this with us, Jono!
SaucyJTD
2024-10-09 15:37:49 +0000 UTCThank you so much for this. I am starting to get better with trying not to please people. Because the praise and acceptance I want, will probably not happen. I should also not try to seek that out because it is a selfish thing. I should do things just because it is the right thing. However, I do not see a way to shake the idea: if I cannot serve I do not have as much worth.
Hannah Rose 🥀
2024-10-09 15:36:29 +0000 UTCThis really gave me something to chew on and think about. I know I'm a people pleaser, and this year I entered into a depression. I came out of it somewhat, but it is still there as several points Jonathan made made me be aware of what I do on daily basis.
CajunDreamz
2024-10-09 15:28:37 +0000 UTCWow. I am going to need to sit with this one for a bit. I'll be back... ::terminator voice::
Wendy Darling
2024-10-09 15:22:36 +0000 UTCLuisa holding the whole world, reminded me of myself as the eldest of 7…and being told I’m “the glue of the family” and then…Atlas shrugged and my family is not nearly close anymore. Shame sets in realizing I’ve shirked the burdens placed on me as the first child and the first to leave my familys religion and then having others follow me. Now all my neck and low back pain makes sense.
SojoLife
2024-10-09 15:16:42 +0000 UTCLol I was just going to say, I see they made this grab bag about me
bryt.knee.
2024-10-09 15:09:04 +0000 UTCAs a people pleaser I am pleased about this
Clay
2024-10-09 15:07:01 +0000 UTC
