Therapy Deep Dive: Single & Ready to Mingle
Added 2025-02-12 16:00:14 +0000 UTCLicensed therapist Jonathan Decker does a deep dive on how to find a healthy partner. He uses the principles from John Van Epp’s book How to Avoid Falling in Love with a Jerk. Are you single and ready to mingle? Happy Valentine’s Day/Singles Awareness Day/Arizona Statehood Day!
Comments
SUCH a great title for a book!
Cinema Therapy
2025-02-14 15:11:37 +0000 UTCDating in my 20s has been an experience to say the least, but this deep dive encourages me to keep dating smart to prevent loving stupid. I'm excited to add this book to my shelves! 🩷
tres 🫶🏻
2025-02-14 01:34:19 +0000 UTCI can't tell you how happy I was to hear someone say that. I grew up in a very turbulent house hold with abusive parents that absolutely hated me and each other. When I was in my 20s and trying to date, when a woman found out about this, they would always act like I was a walking red flag. If they had taken the time to get to know me, they would've seen that I'm the complete opposite of my parents in every way, and would never have to worry about dealing with them since they have been completely removed from my life. Holding someone's background against them isn't ok to do, it's not like any of us chose to have a shitty upbringing.
Ryan3000
2025-02-13 17:00:20 +0000 UTCAny time 💙.
SaucyJTD
2025-02-12 20:48:27 +0000 UTCThe Ethical Slut is good! It's still comfortable on my shelf. The Threesome Handbook by Victoria Vantoch is also a good read. I'm not interested in being in a poly relationship again because I have found that I prefer monogamy overall, though I do have fond memories of the experience. I wish I had those books when I was in that relationship. Would have been amazing to have the information. Best of luck in love to all! ❤️
SaucyJTD
2025-02-12 20:46:20 +0000 UTCYes! That's a common one. That and the Ethical Slut.
Smeeson
2025-02-12 20:39:05 +0000 UTCThank you educating in these comments! For anyone wanting to learn more I recommend "polysecure" a book that I actually need to read myself but is highly recommended in the poly community.
Caressa Taylor
2025-02-12 20:38:33 +0000 UTCTotally understand! It's not for everyone. But I am always happy to educate others. I have been polyamorous for over a decade and currently nest with both of my partners.
Smeeson
2025-02-12 20:36:32 +0000 UTCThank you Saucy!
Cinema Therapy
2025-02-12 20:26:11 +0000 UTCThank you! I love learning more about this and how it works. I don't think it's a fit for me, but I think understanding people and their relationships is so important.
Cinema Therapy
2025-02-12 20:25:41 +0000 UTCLove and support from us to you. - Jono
Cinema Therapy
2025-02-12 20:21:56 +0000 UTCAs a native Arizonan, I thank you.
Cinema Therapy
2025-02-12 20:21:27 +0000 UTCBrighter days ahead! You got this!
Cinema Therapy
2025-02-12 20:21:02 +0000 UTCThank you! I think on the 14th I shall eat a carne asada burrito the size of my head to celebrate and feel closer to home.
Cinema Therapy
2025-02-12 20:20:42 +0000 UTCSuccess! That's what I wanted! Mwahahaha
Anna Murray
2025-02-12 20:20:19 +0000 UTCOh my gosh, this killed me. I read that first line and thought "thanks for sharing?" Glad you got the book I suggested, though!
Cinema Therapy
2025-02-12 20:19:22 +0000 UTCI am happy to answer questions if you have them. I like to make sure people are educated on this in particular, because the closed throuple is a folly most commonly committed by those that are new to polyamory and have no idea what they're doing. Many of those situations end up being highly abusive for the third, so I want to make sure people are educated so they can avoid bad situations like that. It's a big reason why polyamory has such a bad reputation. That and the people who enter polyamory thinking it will somehow fix their already broken relationship. 😅 That never happens, it just shines light on why the relationship is so broken.
Smeeson
2025-02-12 20:06:43 +0000 UTCI really appreciate the information, I don't have any friends who are in non traditional relationships and know little to nothing.
Anna Murray
2025-02-12 19:21:58 +0000 UTCI have a list of books that they've recommended on Discord! I'll tag you in it 😊. I need to update it with the IO2 book, anyways.
SaucyJTD
2025-02-12 19:16:56 +0000 UTCOMG I just lost my virginity! That is, I have finally (been on Patreon since September 22) gotten a book Jono recommended! Weee! I am finishing my current audiobook (Terry Pratchett's the Amazing Maurice and his Educated Rodents)
Anna Murray
2025-02-12 19:12:25 +0000 UTCArizona represent! *Waves tiny San Manuel flag* I'm happily taken but there's no reason not to keep learning. Good video!
Smidge
2025-02-12 19:08:45 +0000 UTCThank you for the video, it hit homes since just recently found myself alone after a 11 + years relations. Deffinetly not ready to Mingle, but helped me get through some of the mourning stages. Love you guys!
Guilherme Tamaki
2025-02-12 18:37:18 +0000 UTCHappy Arizona statehood! I am going to rewatch before I leave any thoughts about the rest so I don't stick my foot in my mouth
Anna Murray
2025-02-12 17:05:36 +0000 UTCThanks for the overview. It's helpful to hear a lot of conclusions that I've come to on my own as I inch closer to 40 with over a decade single and no real desire to seek a relationship anymore. The ability to be honest with myself now about how much my parents marriage dynamic influenced how I behaved in my own relationships has been upsetting, but solidifies my decision to stay single since I know I'm not ready to be a good partner to anyone.
Lenna
2025-02-12 16:50:00 +0000 UTCAs a polyamorous person, gotta help with the knowledge here. Not all throuples are closed throuples. It's actually more common for healthy, organically formed triads not to be closed. The throuples that are more often closed are the ones that were formed by what's known as unicorn hunting. This is widely considered an unethical form of Polyamory. Unicorn hunting is when a previously established couple goes hunting for a third. The reasons why this is considered unethical are numerous but I will explaina few. 1. The unicorn is expected to be attracted exactly the same amount to both members of the couple. When this does not end up being the case, which is often, there ends up being jealousy and resentment. You can't expect a person to fall exactly the same amount of in love with two completely different people at the exact same time. 2. Because the couple hasn't done any research or put much thought into what being polyamorous would actually mean, they haven't done any of the emotional work most people do before they enter polyamorous relationships. Most of this being working on and understanding insecurities, understanding where your jealousy stems from and how to treat those things to help you stop feeling jealous. Also a big one that gets ignored is couple's privilege. Basically this is when the only emotions that are tended to matter are those of the initial couple, leaving the third in a bad place if everything isn't hunky dory. 3. Most polyamorous people do not date as couples. It's generally considered a red flag, because if you can't de-couple enough to date separately, it shows you haven't done the necessary emotional work. So the most common closed triads are the unhealthy ones, because organically formed triads often have other partners besides just their triad. That was a lot but I hope that helps!
Smeeson
2025-02-12 16:32:53 +0000 UTC"And then, of course, you have people who come from negligent or abusive backgrounds. Something very important to know is that just because somebody comes from a hard upbringing, does NOT mean that they are going to be a bad partner. In fact, some of the very best partners come from rough upbringings because they know what it is like to feel alone, or feel mistreated, and they have deliberately chosen to be different, and to learn how to be different, and to apply that until they develop different habits from how they were raised." Nail. On. The. Head. Right. Here. Made me tear up at work. Thank you so much for acknowledging that. As someone who will be eventually be dating again, but not actively looking either, this video is a great summary of the book. I strongly recommend everyone, even people who are in relationships, to read it.
SaucyJTD
2025-02-12 16:30:32 +0000 UTC
