THAT TRANS LIFE FOR ME - Final

So here it is, the final, four-page comic! This is four times longer than any I have ever done, and therefore it took, like, a lot longer than expected, but whatevs! It's done!

Anyway, I wanna talk about this comic for a bit. So this was initially gonna be just a one-pager, and I had kinda drawn the body of the woman on the first page, and I knew I wanted her winking in this succession of images. It was supposed to be some girl who was attracted to her, and so, like, it was that kinda of attraction. But then I was like, well, I do that a lot, and I'd rather do something with meaning - so what about a trans girl, pre-transition, not out to anyone. And then I thought, well, what about me? So I threw myself on the page.

The next day, I realized that I could actually make something different than usual by making it longer and hopefully crafting some meaning into it. So I came up with pages three and four, but then I realized that I wanted something between it, tho I didn't know what. I drew pages 3 and 4, and then...tried really hard to figure out what to put on page 2. All I knew was that I wanted my roommate in it, talking to me. I finally realized that I could do something fun with me coming out (even tho this is not how it happened in real life at all), and drew the whole page.

It's definitely the most decisively personal comic I have ever done, one that hits on something at least I haven't seen in comics, which I am gonna call the Trans Woman Gaze, which is your lust after another where you just end up kinda hating yourself, because you don't think you can ever do that or be that. I am specifically talking about trans women, because it's the gaze that would most easily be construed for the Male Gaze, ya know? Like, you see someone who kinda so deeply inspires you that you can't look away, but it probs looks from the outside like (especialy in this pre-transition state) that you want to just have sex, or some shit. Which, I mean, that might be part of it, but it's neither all nor the most important part. 

I am sure this type of gaze has been represented (and better) in other art that I have not had the privilege to experience, but it's one thing that I just wish could maybe be understood more. I was telling a couple last night about this notion, and they thought it was "very interesting," in that it was something they had never thought about or considered - which was WEIRD TO ME because my life had been enveloped by this shit for years and years (and still is, in many ways, but it's probs less confused now). 

I dunno. I just wish there were more trans stuff out there that actually spent time trying to learn and develop these notions about us. Obvs, the work other trans women are doing in different media is great and well-worth seeking out, but like, if cis people are gonna keep telling stories about us, then they may as well try to know some of this important shit.

Not that I have interest in producing a lot of pre-transition media, but I'd be down to at least have a character represent that, but maybe in a book with other trans people, so that's not all we're getting? But whatever. There are people in all stages of this shit, and if they can find some media that helps them, and in which they can see themselves, then that's gonna be hella helpful.

I didn't really know shit about trans women till I was on Twitter and started following a lot of them. And then after I came out as trans, I heard that we all had, like, fairly similar experiences as scared, confused youths, and I was like, "Ah yes...this makes so much sense." Because when I was younger, I had basically convinced myself that EVERYONE secretly wanted to be a girl, but people didn't talk about it cuz it was taboo, like masturbation, or something. It wasn't until I kinda told my roommate about these feelings and asked if he had ever felt that way (to which he replied, "No, never," which fucking surprised me) that I learned I was wrong, and then felt the need to embrace this very special part of myself. 

So...this comic is a bit of that! It's imperfect, but I like what I was able to do! It covers approximately seven years, through which time I learned so much about myself and pushed forward to reach RIGHT NOW - a period of my life that I like quite a bit, just sayin'. I hope you all like it!