The enormous Update of July, and the Roadmap Forward.
Added 2020-07-10 13:07:29 +0000 UTCSo, here we are. July. Where has time gone? I'm going to give you guys an update and I figure you can make some decisions from that point forward determining what and which and why. So, From late-ish February onward I have been working from home which gave me an enormous amount of time to sit around and not commute. However, like many folks during this time we found the barrier between WORK and FUN a bit difficult to discriminate without a physical work-space to visit. Being uncomfortable with doing "Nothing" and finding that free time eats into my psyche/happiness/perceived happiness (see the numerous text walls of me being an admitted workaholic) and looking around and seeing lots of folks freaking out at the state of the world, I went into overdrive producing content.
So, in the last few months, I can look at the uptick of content creation and realized that we managed to not only make a tex talks battletech (in May, as you may remember, on Tukkayid day no less) but near daily if not twice daily content. This has been an enormous effort not only on my own self but thanks to the great work of my Chief-Editor (mike) and guest editors (gypsy, etc). We've had a shitload of people from the legion submit their work as well, some of these people have wanted to try to make their own series for a long while but have been either afraid or not wanting to try to do it on their own channel, or just wanted to do something with their time other than explore the existential dread of "Waiting to see if the world returns to normal". This will seemingly continue all the way through August at this rate.
Most channels in this time have cracked along at normal content creation rate, but with the Legion being the wild place it is and me being the damaged nut I am, we've made well over 100 episodes of stuff ranging from Space Station 13, RimWorld, Numerous Streams, and even the podcast. Hell, from April Onward there's been a podcast almost every week. We have another one launching today. We've made 18 episodes of that, of which today you will be able to see 17. There's one after that, and another 4-5 in production.
Not only that, I've taken it upon myself to turn the Mackie Episode into all the back history that goes into the Mackie - Explaining WHY the age of the battlemech came about and try to explain why mechs even exist in that universe. From something that has literally 2 paragraphs of information on it in sarna/most commonly available resources...this has required E N O R M O U S research. And guess what? I've got a 20 page script in near final draft.
Yeah.
Needless to say, we've been uh, busy. Trying to do our best to produce, and work, rather than sit around and go "Wow, the world sucks, I'm scared". We felt that all this was in a way, our way of shaking our fists at the world and cursing the state of things. Rather than sit around and be miserable, we wanted to paint the world with our nonsense and joy. Our "Art" if you could call it that, was our weapon against these dark times. That little bit of light to share.
NOW, I'm well aware that these were all patterns of behavior I've used in the past. I worked myself to near death a few times over because I'm a neurotic mess. I'm a Paranoid, nervous, anxious mess that drives himself too hard to drown out the messier parts of my psyche. Making stuff at the cost of relaxing time (I relax poorly and have been accused of being unable to actually enjoy time off) and in many times, adequate sleep has been a pattern of my entire adult life. However, I've labored under a false assumption I find.
The issue with my mind, paranoia, and hard drive is that I feared and felt you guys would not, would NOT tolerate me taking time for myself. Even when the fanbase started a go fund me to actually FORCE ME to take a VACATION after making like, 8 documentaries back to back, feature-length documentaries mind you, I thought "They just want more. I must do more!"
But in the last few days I realize, no, they want me to keep making stuff.
When the few assholes reach out and slap at me to "WHEN DO NEXT TEX TALK BATTLETECH", the good-hearted nature of folks who subscribe to me point out (To those assholes who only want more) the enormous efforts I put forward and that those people can politely go fuck themselves. And I was blind to that. The way my mind works, I don't see the 99 polite comments, lovely comments, the good natured comments. My mind focuses in on that one negative comment and zeroes in on the criticism. I'm of such low ego that that one little stab bleeds me dry.
But, Over the past few weeks, I've been mulling things. I need to try to be better in order to not spend every day laboring 8-12 hours at work and then another few hours making content. I need to try to enjoy my time off. I need to try to return to better mindsets. I need to try to be happy again, or at least die trying to finding it.
So here's how I think the future is going to go: and again, if you find this to be unacceptable, that's more than fine. I invite people and remind people to pull their funding if and when they find this status unacceptable.
1. Tex Talks Battletech when I'm ready. The fact from May 19' to May 20, us making the sheer amount of documentary has been insane. From May 3 of last year to May of This year, we made:
-The Catapult
-The battle of Tukayyid
-The Tirpitz Affair
-The Amaris Civil War Part 1
-The Amaris Civil War Part 2
-The BlackJack
-Exodus to Elementals (A Primer on the Clans) Part 1
-Exodus to Elementals (A Primer on the Clans) Part 2
Most Documentarians can make one in a year. With a staff of 50+, and a fucking huge budget. Mike, I, and a handful of beautiful contributors made 8. Insane? Yes. Healthy? Probably not. But I love Battletech and I wanted to give to the community, and I think I can say I have.
From here on out, I'm going to do my best to work on them every day, but they'll come out when they come out. I've realized (Finally) that doing the best work I can is better than doing the best work I can as fast as I can. Some shit takes time. At about 1200-1800 hours of time per, they require multiple full months to do them healthy. Yes, quite a few of these were done with huge overlaps in work. Writing one while another was being edited, etc. I've not yet found another channel that can do that level of output in that time-frame of output while having a day job. Making long documentaries ain't easy. Making good ones are harder still. I'd rather do a goddamn good job than a fast one.
2. I think 4-6 things a month are healthy. Maybe 8. That's two a week. I think that's reasonable.
3. The Podcasts will come out when...they come out. Probably 2 a month once we get things settled.
4. Streams - I can now do more of these. Once we get through the backlog of content, that is. Which we still have a lot. Keep in mind, the Rimworld episode that came out today was shot in March. That lets you know how much content I've been making. That's how hard I've been burning myself at both ends to make stuff. Again, free-time aint my strong suit. Worry not, these wont be monetized streams. They likely would never be monetized streams unless I was raising money for a good cause (Like the time we did with Jupiter to prevent homelessness for a US Veteran. Which we did! We raised like 5 grand in a day) or something catastrophic had happened to my finances - e.g. unable to work.
So What am I going to do with this new-found free time?
Well. That's harder for me to say.
I'm trying my hardest to return to healthy mental patterns. I want to learn to be happy again because I can't remember when I was happy. I actually can't. Happiness to me has been a series of very brief periods of joy surrounded by dread, fear, paranoia, and madness. Sadness has been the blanket of my adult life and no amount of medication ( I suffer chemically resistant/treatment-resistant major depression/anxiety disorders) or free time has been able to fix. But this is my new quest - try to return to that.
I'm gonna be playing more tabletop. I'm going to be trying to find some joy. I'm gonna do what I can do make myself whole again, or at least find the pieces and begin assembling them again. I'll let you know how that goes.
More Updates soon enough. When they happen, you'll know.
The Mackie may be an eye-opener. You'll see.
--TEX HIMSELF--
PS - > If you want to ask a question to the Podcast, for our Q&A section, send it to "Theblackpantslegion@gmail.com" and put "PODCAST QUESTION" in the subject line. Then we'll get to it!
Podcast is here - https://anchor.fm/blackpantslegion
Comments
Hey Tex just wanted to say thank you for the hard work you put in. I mentioned it on the YouTube page but I’ll say it here as well. You’ve done far more than any of us ever expected and never asked a cent in return. Not meaning to kiss your ass, just stating a fact, you and the rest of BPL have a true passion and work ethic that has largely disappeared from most entertainment. You guys don’t pull punches or try to appeal to safe demographics or try to be politically correct. You create and say to hell with it and it’s amazing. That said it’s okay to take a break. On a more personal level I can relate to you as I to am on the spectrum and also have PTSD. I know that need to keep driving forward and while I don’t know what you’ve seen or been through personally I can at a bare minimum empathize with you. So I guess what I’m saying is to allow yourself that breathing room and don’t let the morons get you down. They make up maybe 1% of the comments and only complain because they have nothing else going for them. The majority of us love your work and have respect for you as a creator. Keep up the great work but also take the time to defrag and enjoy a bright blue sky as well.
2020-07-23 05:33:55 +0000 UTCYou weren't taking advantage. I hold nothing against folks.
THE BLACK PANTS LEGION
2020-07-17 12:27:12 +0000 UTCOne last thing... I hope every time the golden Awesome catches your eye you remember that you do a lot for people and are appreciated.
2020-07-12 23:20:27 +0000 UTCLong time fan but a new patreon subscriber. I realized that I was taking advantage of all your hard work. The work you and your team do truly is a wonder. Thank you Tex. Thank you for making it easier to go on long drives. Thank you for making lonely nights seem like a night among friends. Thank you for caring more about others than you do yourself.
2020-07-12 23:18:59 +0000 UTCI have mentioned a couple times in the past I am crippled up pretty badly. I suffer from severe pain everyday that they can't control. This has lead to some pretty bad mental states very very similar to your own. I am also Bipolar, which is just fucking lovely for these scenarios. So, I guess I am saying is that I understand and can sympathize with your plight. I am happy you are working to a positive trains of thought. I am not sure I will ever get there and am frequently suicidal. I have learned to reach out to ask for the help. To ask for whatever you need. If you need help with editing, ask the legion, if you need a friend as your friends, you are gifted with many. When you need a kick in the pants, ask your audience it's what we do best. We give you shit like know ones business. P.S. I totally called it many moons ago you would turn the Mackie in the birth of Mechs. How could you not? I would have. I look forward to it when it's ready and not before. And if i have to wait until hell freezes over for Steiner, I will do that too. I am kidding.
Dark Azial
2020-07-12 03:10:29 +0000 UTCI used to be depressed and resentful of people in a bad way. What worked for me was having an apartment that i really enjoyed living in and being in (i'm an introvert) that fixed most of my depression, i used to have panic attacks when going to sleep. But also having this strange internal argument with myself or the part of me that was envious and resentful when i became really angry with myself because i could not enjoy others success and let go of things. Over the next few days that resentment went away. It's still there though i can feel it but since that day i have other emotions that keeps it in check. So take care of yourself Tex and hopefully you'll get out of your much larger and darker tunnel someday.
Adrian Johansson
2020-07-11 23:23:33 +0000 UTCTake care of yourself god dammit.
William Brayton
2020-07-11 18:46:53 +0000 UTCTex - take care of yourself. Know that you are beloved by the fandom. You don't need to understand why or think that you deserve it, but know that it is true regardless - if you start from there, maybe why you are beloved by so many will come to you. Take care of yourself and chase that happiness that you richly deserve.
Grigsbot
2020-07-11 15:25:23 +0000 UTCHey Tex. I just want to know when the next Battl---- JUST KIDDING. I fucking love yah man; those documentaries brought me here where i found your SS13 content (which i have been working through the full playlist over the passed couple of weeks). So thank you for that. On a more serious note, i completely understand the trouble you can be experiencing. It's a great sign that you are willing to speak very publicly about your situation; and tells me that you are a fighter who is trying to change their situation. Just remember it's always ok to ask for help; and to always have a close friend willing to let you vent and work through shit or even a therapist on the side. Please take care of yourself as i feel that you are a very caring person who gives it all for others. Additionally, if you happen to remember this comment in the future when this pandemic bs ends. I invite you up to Western Washington for a drink and steak if you are ever nearby. Just give me a heads up homie :)
Daniel Cadwell
2020-07-10 19:22:36 +0000 UTC>" I don't see the 99 polite comments, lovely comments, the good natured comments. My mind focuses in on that one negative comment and zeroes in on the criticism." Ah shit my good fellow, this is the definition of hell. Have the same approach to criticism in life, fixation on the negative, it is like some off-brand masochism that doesn't even bring a lot of pleasure. Trying to fight it sometimes seems like fighting windmills. Yet fighting against it is a must, as the alternative always seems damn downwards spiral. Good luck and stay awesome!
2020-07-10 17:07:19 +0000 UTCFuck yes Tex, kick those brain daemon's asses! As someone who struggled (and still does) with all sorts of "fun" due to having Asperger but not knowing it until I was 26 (stressing over every word I said. panic attacks about having to talk to new people...job interviews were really...great) It's hard as hell to fight years of mental fuckery but after getting through most of it I have better life then before...hell I actually have a full time job for longer than a few months. (Thanks Brony fandom for helping me where no one else would.)
katarjin
2020-07-10 16:20:56 +0000 UTCAs many as you are up to producing in any amount of time is what I find acceptable. You, Mike and others taking time to put out art vs. reading from Sarna and sounding dry as fuck is what should remind people that "Material is ready, when it's ready." The BPL is a shining beacon of quality for a reason. You get mo' dollars, good sir. Good day.
ninjagonepostal
2020-07-10 16:03:03 +0000 UTCI signed up to your Patreon because I loved your passion for Battletech (and your voice. And your attitude). I stick around because you are honest and human; you don't pretend to be more than you are. Tex, please take time for yourself. Kick the haters out. Those who, like me, love what you do and how you do it, will be patient. We appreciate you! The last last last thing any of us wants, is for you to burn out and crash. Thank you for being you! <3
2020-07-10 15:28:47 +0000 UTCI will echo others here I am sure. You put out amazing content Tex and I would rather wait for that to come out than for you to hurt yourself trying to put it out. I hope you can find happiness again!
Kharakian
2020-07-10 14:43:09 +0000 UTCI found this channel and this community through my brother who absolutely is insane about battle tech, not saying it is bad, I have my own stuff that I’m absolutely insane, rpgs are my personal choice. But I’ve been relatively new to this “group”, legends would be a more apt descriptor as I could never have the skill or fortitude to do even the smallest portion of the just pardon my language but fucking outstanding work. From Rimworld, to Space Station 13, to BattleTech to Parkitect, boy does it bring a huge grin to myself. Lest I not forgot the podcast, I don’t know what it is with me but listening to these ideas that I currently don’t agree on a 100% just interest the heck outta me, it’s like getting a deep dive on a game I’ve never heard of before but it sounds awesome. But the documentaries that you put out are what make me go holy shit the most, as someone who really only played the Mechwarrior game that I believe is called MechAssault not sure how you personally feel about it but I loved it could have been because my experience of video games before that we like Mario Tennis on the 64, these documentaries and just really cool, and I am patiently waiting what sounds like pure awesomeness. Anyways let me stop talking about what I want and just tell you how thankfully I am that you guys exist, sure if for my own selfishness but you guys are all amazing and I will continue to support your habits and insanity if that’s what drives you go for it, but what I am sure this is a bell often rung please take your time I can wait. I’ll just watch reruns of everything.
Nathan Knudsen
2020-07-10 14:17:40 +0000 UTCTex the whole reason I joined this place at all, is to seek out fun and creative people in an attempt to recover myself from a life that ground the "fun" part of my soul into dust (dramatic term of course). I sometimes, still to this day, worry that I can't come back from it. But I decided to come here and so far no one has made me feel unwanted and you even gave me a C&C: RA Remastered spot that one evening (even though I crashed later in the game - admission time: That was the first time in over 10 years I played RA again and I had turbo-anxiety about keeping up)...I'm not trying to push a "we're so similar!" notion, only that at the very least I think I maybe understand Some of what you experience and that I, so far, feel better just being here and I have no need for more content, just good people keeping me company, thats what I really want.
2020-07-10 13:51:52 +0000 UTCFirst and foremost, I am incredibly appreciative of the countless hours you've dedicated to making quality content for us. You are the most dedicated content created I have ever had the immense pleasure of following. I'm very happy to see you take a step back to evaluate your own health. It takes a lot of willpower to acknowledge when you're working yourself to death and to actually take steps toward changing. Tex, you don't know me and I don't know you, but I'm proud of you for taking that step.
2020-07-10 13:30:14 +0000 UTCYour channel and the Legion are important to us. But, those things pale in comparison to the importance of your mental and physical health. We want, above all else, for you to be happy and healthy. Because, while we eagerly await your videos we also genuinely care about the man behind the voice.
2020-07-10 13:26:08 +0000 UTCStay safe and sane Tex!
HedgehogBC
2020-07-10 13:23:51 +0000 UTCGlad to hear that you're trying to find better ways for yourself to relax. Try not to turn your relaxing time into Content; it's a bad habit of people who are very online. And remember, If you want something it can be done: cheap, fast, and good, but you only get to pick two at best (and in this case cheap is the cost on your mental health).
Austin Ramsay
2020-07-10 13:23:09 +0000 UTC
