Update & Explanation

Hello there

Just before I start this I’ll let you know that everyone is safe.  I don’t want this to read like some sort of suspense thriller.

I thought I’d give you an update on what’s been going on, relative to the post I did the other day about my friend.  Most of you do actually know the friend in question, as it was Kim.  Or Kim Wilson as she's more often known. I do over share on here but I also keep away from the deeply personal, and this seemed to fall into that bracket.  I also didn’t want to be sharing somebody’s medical details when they hadn’t signed up for that. The thing is though, sometimes it gets a bit frustrating that folk don’t know what you and your loved ones are actually going through behind the scenes for long periods of time.

If you’ve been around long enough on here, and heard the podcasts that Kim and I did together (the What The Movies Didn't See podcasts remain my absolute favourite), then you may have heard us discuss a car accident she had three years ago.  Car accidents are horrific anyway, but there was an underlying dread with that one, as she had called me straight after it and couldn’t speak properly.  She was talking, as though it were normal, but all the words were completely wrong. Add into this the fact she had my car keys with her, so I couldn’t just get there (a very kind neighbour drove me down after I went knocking on random doors for help), and it was really, really unsettling. The word salad thing, where she got all the wrong words, was the scariest thing I’ve ever experienced.  Ditto the subsequent times in the last three years where it happened again. This was along with an increasing amount of panic attacks, anxiety, forgetting words completely – a lot of things for a long time.

It’s no exaggeration to say I’ve been worried about what happened this week for three solid years, which you’d think might make it easier to deal with, but it’s not been so.  I’ve thought, and we both discussed many times, that there was something wrong with her actual brain.  Not in the way I would say on the podcasts, she can be daft as a brush anyway, but it felt as though there was something not working properly. Not a psychological thing, but a physical thing. The problem is, I get the feeling that I am perhaps viewed as somebody who worries about nothing, or is a drama queen or whatever.   That I jump to the most sinister outcome, and get myself (and sometimes the people around me) into a maddening spiral panic.  I will always, always, contest overreaction. I think I’m ultra observant.  I must stress, I’m not saying this in a boastful way at all, it’s really an awful constant dialogue I have in my own head, but I do spot things. I also hate that I do, and you end up feeling like someone in an alien invasion film who’s been saying they’re coming for ages whilst everyone rolls their eyes.

In tandem with this, I was also absolutely terrified myself of finding out something awful, so probably didn’t push for checks as much as I should have. I’ve a bit of guilt on that front, but can manage it. I mentioned it many times, but was also happy to take the “it’s probably just…” route to calm the panic. It was a constant underlying dread though.  I had a long chat with Rob Rouse earlier in the year, where I told him how worried I was for her, and myself, and how difficult it was to just deal with that being there all the time. I got hugely upset on the call, and Rob was ace, way beyond the call of duty. I think it was the first time I’d said it out loud, emotionally.  Was scared of even saying it.  I stayed hyper vigilant and observant, and the slightest thing that looked wrong, I was all over it.  I was messaging her friends, her neighbours, even this week I got some texts from her that read wrong, and I messaged her Dad to let him know (as he was with her).  Basically, as I said, I’ve been living in dread of what happened this week, and the fact it happened has still been horrendous.

Earlier this week, whilst visiting her Dad she had a seizure.  Within 24 hours she’d had another seizure and then major brain surgery on a tumour.  I wasn’t exaggerating when I said it was the worst 24 hours of my life.  She’s in hospital up north suddenly having risky, life threatening/altering major surgery and there’s not a thing I can do about it besides sit with my own thoughts and think I didn’t do enough when I knew – totally knew – this was what was happening. I didn’t know how it would happen, but knew something was on the way.

So I’ve watched from afar, watching her family and friends be amazing and rally around her (with both relief and envy), putting her completely first, and been so comforted whilst obviously worrying enormously.  I wanted to go up, but also didn’t want to contribute to any fuss or overwhelmedness (I don’t think that’s a word).  I eventually got to speak to her on FaceTime two days after the op, and sent over a Rocky Robot video which was – by anyone’s judgement – inappropriate, but we know what Rocky is like.  Jon got out of bed late at night to record lines for it, which I’m hugely grateful for, but it’s been one of those times where I’ve been very aware of myself, my isolation and that I can’t fix the world. Primarily I’ve been worrying about her and her safety, and when I’ve spoken to her since there is an enormous relief to see her have such clarity again.  It’s the strangest thing, to see somebody deteriorate for a long time and then it seem like there’s been a switch flicked.  I think, as it has caught up with her in the most dramatic way this week, it has caught up with me too when Doomsday appeared to actually arrive.  That’s a contributing factor to why I’m knocked for six, and trying to catch up in my own head, and why I’m struggling to work at all.  Am exhausted, nerves are shot, seeing somebody you love so much go through such an ordeal can’t not take it out of you, but watching the hours go by (especially when she was actually in surgery) and feeling utterly helpless has been flattening. The sobbing was abundant and completely out of my control. Wasn’t much use to anyone to be honest.

I very much appreciate all the messages from the other day, and she’ll very much appreciate any messages you want to leave in the comments here.  I know I’m allowed time off, and totally understand why so many of you would say that, but I’m literally at home alone, so doing some drawing etc is actually helpful for me.  I genuinely don’t feel obliged to be doing something for patreon at the moment, so I’m not pushing through in that way, I’m pushing through for my own wellbeing really.

I’m very aware that loads of this has been about me and my reaction to it, but I think I’m wanting to (not needing to) justify why it’s hammered me.  I’d hope it’s tacit that she is absolutely centre of my concerns and should be top of everyone else’s. The main thing is, she is safe.  Still in hospital but genuinely more well and alert than I’ve seen her in three years.  She’s not worried or overwhelmed, not scared, not anxious, and it’s very conspicuous (and welcome) that they are absent.  She’s battered like, and her usual peanut head has swollen to normal human, yet stapled, size on one side. I also presume she has some memory loss as she’s certainly forgotten how squeamish I am with the pictures she’s sent through.  It’s all hot on the heels of Mouse being away too, so suffice to say that nobody will be forgetting 2022 in a hurry.  I do however, take a huge amount from the fact that, for the first time in so long, I feel like she’s going to be alright. I was already impressed with how she dealt with the Mouse situation,  equally so impressed with her going through what she has this week, and responding in the way she is currently doing.

I’m not going to make this into an ongoing soap opera, I may not mention it very much again as that’s not why we are here. Maybe passing updates in Cabin Fever podcasts, but just assume that no news is good news and I’ll get everything back on track very soon. I guess it's Patreon-lite at the minute, but I'll keep posting something. Please believe me, I’d also much rather the posts weren’t as dramatic as this one. Just ongoing life though innit?

Hope you and yours are safe and sound over there, and that the week ahead is a brilliant one.

Much love, and thank you so much for the support you’ve shown this last few days.  My curse of observance does mean I spot when people care too. Thank you.

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