A Simple Life: Chapter 181

Back here nobody could see me and, except for Winona, nobody would hear me either. Or so I thought. With the others gone a visitor comes trotting around the corner of the far sea can.

“Mama.” I smile and get down on my knees to greet her. Nudging my hand she leans into my pet, arching her back to encourage more. A loud purr rumbles from her chest. I giggle. “You’re snuggly t-today.” After circling around me she pads over to curiously sniff at the foot of the barbecue. “J-Jack gave that to me.” I whisper. “I think I’m s-supposed to smash it.” Reaching out I run my fingers down the wood haft of the sledge. “Amos says it will help.” I rise to my feet. “Come on M-Mama. You don’t need to see this.”

I lead my feline friend all the way to the back of the lot where the line of rusty cars sat and there I squat down to give some snuggles. Her fur was soft and warm from the afternoon sun. “Little ones out p-playing? I hope they’re having fun.” I laugh as she flops over on her side to show me her belly. I rub the fuzzy tummy, her nipples tickling my palm. “You stay out h-here, okay? It’s g-gonna get loud. I know I can get scared when things get loud. It scares m-me a little just thinking about smashing anything.” After a few more pets. “B-But I get scared about a lot of things. I’m not brave like Winona.” She mews and purrs louder, which makes me smile. “Or you too. I bet it takes a lot of courage to be a mom, huh? M-Maybe that's why my mom’s not so good. Maybe she’s scared, like me.” Looking back across the pad to where the barbecue awaited its fate I whisper. “I c-can’t be scared all the time though. Not anymore.” Leaning down I kiss Mama’s head and give her a scritch before leaving her to sun her belly.

It was a long walk back. My eyes never leave the shiny black metal of the grill and stand. From behind I could see that the whole bottom part was hollow, the interior the space where a propane tank would sit. And in that open space I picture Jack’s shriveled heart floating there within his dark, empty soul. Suddenly I could see him there. The main body of the grill was his hideous head, the fold up side tables on either side were his arms, the stand was his body, and the little wheels at the bottom his feet. Slowly I circle around to the front of him. Taking the crowbar I set it to the side. The sledgehammer however I lift to wield in both my hands. I stare hard at the small thermometer built into the lid as if it were his eyes. When I started my walk across the pad I wasn’t sure I’d be able to go through with this, but the more I saw him projected over his gift to me the more I remembered all the slaps and punches and beatings and ‘nighty-night times’ and all those horrible, twisted words that spewed from his ugly lips.

“I’m n-n-not afraid of you.” I say. “You c-can’t do anything to me now, can you?”

The barbecue sits inert though the hatred inside of me burns ever hotter.

“I…HATE YOU!” With a high bellow I lift the hammer and bring it straight down onto his shiny head. CLANG!  A deafening ring of steel on steel echoes across the lot as the hammer blow strikes true to leave a mighty dent. “You’re bad!” CRUNCH!  The next strike shatters the edge of the left table and sends the grill spinning away from me. “You are a b-bad brother!” CLUNG!  In a low upward swinging arc I buckle the front face of the stand and send it rolling back six feet. “You’re a bad person!” CRACK!  Another overhand chop splits the hard plastic handle right in half and causes the barbecue to faceplant into the cement.

Dropping the hammer I hurry forward to lift it back to upright again.

“Get up! You’re n-n-not allowed to give up so easy.” I parrot back the words I’d heard from him during the worst of my abuse. I scurry back to take up my weapon again. “I’m not done with you yet.” Squaring up to my imaginary brother I jab a finger in his face. “You c-can’t hurt me anymore! You’re not allowed!” With that I kick him right back down the ground again. This time the lid clatters open and the cast iron grill goes careening off on its own, leaving his head hollow like I knew it was. “You’re n-not allowed to hurt anyone!” CLANG!  “Not Lauren!” CRUNK!  “Not Pepper!” CRINK!  “N-N-Not your b-baby!” CWUNG!  “AND NOT ME!” Holding at the end handle for maximum momentum I bring it down from high above as I scream at the top of my lungs. “I HATE YOU!!!”

CRONGH!!!

***

I don’t know how long it was later when I find myself on my knees and panting on the hard ground. In front of me lay ‘Jack’ busted, battered and beaten. The lid was cracked and misshapen, the body full of dents and even holes where the hammer’s heavy head had struck clean right through, and the tables and feet were smashed to little plastic bits that lay all around it.

Amos was right. I did feel better. Nothing was solved in this pointless act of destruction and I actually felt a little ashamed to lowering myself to such brutish behavior, but something about the raw physical effort of it had shaken something loose and let some of the anguish festering inside of me come pouring out. Like lancing a boil a lot of what came out was nasty and gross, but it needed to be released to relieve the pain.

After a few minutes I hear the soft crunch of Winona’s footsteps approaching. Kneeling down behind me she wraps me up in a strong embrace and presses her cheek hard into mine. Closing my eyes I lean my weight back into her, grateful for the physical and emotional support. We stay there a time without a word being spoken. Her arms around me was all the communication we needed right now.

At long last I finally let out a sigh and say. “I’m okay.”

“I love you.” She kisses my cheek.

“Thank you.” I say from the bottom of my heart.

We get up together and I turn to face her the moment I was on my feet for another long, loving hug.

Chapter 182