Attack of the Clones Kills Me Inside

INTRO & THESIS:

Attack of the Clones… is fucking awful. “If you’ll excuse me.” Anakin jumps. Me too, Ani.

There’s been quite a bit of discourse (slow motion) surrounding the Star Wars sequel trilogy, most recently about why The Rise of Skywalker is the most abominable piece of media to ever curse modern civilization. And while I will concede that it is far from perfect, and arguably the weakest installment in the sequel trilogy, I would argue it’s not nearly as bad as people make it out to be. There’s some emotional bias in there given it was the first time my boyfriend Jeremy and I had met in person and technically our first date, and for me personally, it hit most of the right emotional beats for me to say that I did love it on first watch.

Yet even after a rewatch after the hype has worn off, and wishing the first act would both slow down and speed up at the same time—wishing we’d get some time for the characters to talk amongst themselves and process what they’ve been through, while also wanting the movie to actually advance the plot beyond the mostly expendable Wayfinder MacGuffin—I still thoroughly enjoyed what character interactions were present, as well as the third act. What can I say, seeing that armada turn up to end space fascism makes me tear up every time. “There are more of us!”

So I think, as a relative newcomer to the franchise, I think it’s worth sharing my two cents on what the WORST Star Wars movie truly is, and the movie that does deserve the level of animosity that The Rise of Skywalker has received: George Lucas’ Episode II, Attack of the Clones. “Death, I feel.” Same, Yoda. Same.

Now, on every list I’ve made while ranking the Star Wars movies for myself (And no I’m not showing you because I know I’ll be hanged), Attack of the Clones has easily fallen to the very bottom every single time. Now some of you may be wondering… well, not why perhaps, because it’s common knowledge that the prequel trilogy is rife with problems, but rather why I hate this movie so much in particular.

Surprisingly, I've seen a lot more hate for The Phantom Menace, but in my humble internet personality perspective… Phantom Menace is passable, where I was kinda invested in what was going on and enjoyed the ride for the most part, while Attack of the Clones made me want to either fall asleep or actively gouge my eyes out. And the reason for that is multifaceted, as you can tell my how fucking long this video probably is after hours… and hours… and hours of editing.

I’d argue the reason Attack of the Clones frustrates me so goddamn much is that… well, it’s not so much it doesn’t know what it wants to be, but it’s completely uninterested in delivering on the actual storylines we care about—the mystery of who’s after Padme and the clone army, as well as the blooming romance between Anakin and Padme—and as a result, it bores us with bloated, pointless action scenes, cutting any actual good scenes to do with the romance, putting in minimal effort or the romance scenes still in the damn movie and making it feel rushed, and refusing to build up the actual mystery driving the movie’s plot beyond the bare necessities.

Though before we proceed, it should be noted that I don’t find any of these problems to be in common complaints about the prequel trilogy in general. Speaking of which… 

IN DEFENSE OF THE PREQUELS:

Audiences can usually tell when a movie is fundamentally broken; they just don’t know how exactly. It’s easy to point towards superficial qualities and paint them as inherent problems. Ya know, like all the weird CGI they abused in the prequels and asking, “Is this even a movie or is this a Saturday morning cartoon at this rate?” To which my answer is… how dare you indirectly insult Star Wars: The Clone Wars, you blasphemous heathen.

But really, while the CGI distracts many people and makes it harder to invest yourself, that’s not truly the problem of the prequels, and especially not Attack of the Clones. Good writing is an elixir: a panacea which can cure most any other ailment of a piece of media, even when given the smallest budget, featuring the poorest acting, or just being plain ugly to behold. So long as that story is solid and engaging, it’s still possible to see the beauty in a hot mess.

But as we know from the title, Attack of the Clones is not. So then, what is? Is it the boring politics these movies shove into your face? Is it the Jedi Order being incompetent and honestly kinda proto-fascist, too lazy in their ivory towers to bother abolishing the clear moral abhorrence that is slavery (Unless it’s freeing one kid with superior blood)? Well… no. In fact, I liked these two aspects in all three movies.

The story of the main trilogy is political; to argue otherwise is ridiculous. What the hell is more political than taking on an authoritarian regime and freeing the galaxy from the grip of tyranny? However, its politics are more… subdued and implicit. Superficially, it’s a fun trilogy that’s all about fighting the evil guys in dark robes and their evil clone army and saving the universe from, you guessed it, a clear, definitive evil.

The prequels, meanwhile, have Palpatine playing a very long term game of five dimensional chess through trade wars, sieges, the Confederacy but in spaaaaaaaaaaace… and also where both sides are weirdly okay with slavery, but uh that’s a yikes for another time. There’s a lot more complexity going on in the political conflicts of the prequels, and I think it’s for that reason a lot of people just find them boring. If a political shit show ain’t your jam and you just want a dumb space opera adventure, then you’re probably gonna be super frustrated.

And on the subject of the Jedi Order being the fucking worst… yeah, I like that. The undoing of the romanticized and mystery of the Jedi and even the Force itself actually kinda works to show the real institutional problems present in the Order. It’s unsurprising it takes away the main trilogy’s implication of anyone, regardless of heritage, being able to wield the Force and become a Jedi, because that truth potentially poses a threat of disrupting the status quo that the Order is accustomed to.

I brought up the “blood superiority” thing as a joke earlier because… well, it’s Anakin’s high Midichlorian count that essentially bailed him out of slavery. It’s literally the fact the Jedi Order thought his blood was better than the average person, and therefore, he’d make an excellent addition to their institution. If the Jedi Order cared about the everyman, and about doing the right thing, even if it interrupted their cushy lifestyles, there’s no way in hell they’d have just allowed the Republic to give slavers in the galaxy a pass.

It’s this arrogance, this unwillingness to do the right thing, that makes many people in the galaxy become discontent with the Jedi Order, and fuels part of the Separatist movement. Fuck, it kinda helps Palpatine justify Order 66. When they talk about the end of the Jedi in the sequel trilogy, it’s more this shitty institutionalized version that helped give rise to the Galactic Empire. That’s not what being a hero of the galaxy, a champion of the people, is truly about.

So… yeah, those aren’t real problems of Attack of the Clones. But ya know what is… the shitty fucking action scenes.

THIS MOVIE IS BLOATED:

When I was rewatching this movie to take my notes, I felt… Anakin jumping to his death. (Chase scene) Yeah, that pretty much sums it up. I was just sitting there, waiting for the misery to end; awaiting death’s sweet release. And that was also me during Obi-Wan versus Jango Fett, the dumb asteroid belt chase scene, and—to a lesser extent—the Battle of Geonosis that just kept going on… and on… and on. The only action scene I didn’t experience this existential loathing was the final battle with Count Dooku… and even then… “Anakin, no!” Anakin slammed into a wall. (Dooku fight scene)

Now, people more qualified than me have spoken at length to explore the technical reasons why the action scenes in this movie are bad, namely to do with the fact they’re so goddamn slow and flimsy, but I’d like to add from a story perspective… most of them hold little to no weight. Which explains why the only somewhat passable fights are, again, the fights in the movie’s climax that are directly relevant and consequential to the plot and character arcs; ya know, the actual story.

And note that I say relevant and consequential. What I basically mean is that to be considered relevant, the action needs to be informed by, or at least have something to do with the plot and/or character arcs. And to be consequential, it needs to advance and/or change some aspect of the plot and/or character arcs.

The chase scene is kinda strange, because in a way, it’s relevant to the plot in so much as it’s our protagonists pursuing the assassin who’s after Padme, and it is consequential in that the poison dart used to kill the assassin before she reveals too much information leads Obi-Wan to Kamino to find answers, only to stumble on even larger questions. However, it isn’t really consequential in any other aspect, and the sequence is so slow and boring that the payoff is not remotely worth the investment it required.

Perhaps if we saw Anakin’s brashness in going after this assassin on Padme’s behalf, even willing to kill her before Obi-Wan can question her, thus leading to them running out of time before she’s killed, then it wouldn’t be quite as unsatisfying. At least then it’d feel somewhat consequential in shifting the dynamics between Obi-Wan and Anakin while foreshadowing the latter’s descent into darkness. But I think even then, you’d still have to cut a LOT of this goddamn chase scene to make it tolerable.

Now, the fight between Obi-Wan and Jengo Fett seems to be a favorite for a lot of people, and personally… I don’t get why. Parts of it are cool, but uh… well, superficial nitpicks outta the way, Obi-Wan gets knocked back by explosives so many times, and not only is he without injury or even goddamn scratches, but… at times, it looks like they’re just reusing footage in quick succession. Obi-Wan knocked down multiple times. (Obi-Wan v. Jengo Fett)

But Obi-Wan doesn’t really have a character arc in this movie. He’s essentially just a good guy doing good guy things as he tries to get to the bottom of this mystery, and that’s not inherently a problem. In fact, Obi-Wan’s flat arc kinda works in giving Anakin’s descent into darkness something to clash with across the prequel trilogy. But when you’re making a character with a flat arc, you need to be especially concise given there’s no development for the audience to latch onto, especially if the character with an arc they’re influencing is not around. Which… Obi-Wan knocked down.

Yeah, none of this does anything for the plot. It, and especially the dumb space chase thing, are only here for obligatory action, and I don’t care. The Jengo Fett scene could’ve been trimmed down to its bare necessities, and the subsequent chase scene cut entirely, and nothing would be changed. In fact, the movie’s pacing would be improved tenfold.

And… the factory scene. Padme being a damsel. I… what the hell is the point of this? Cool, you wanna show the Droid Army being built and establish their power, but do we need five minutes of nonsense and shoehorned C3PO humor to do that? Dumb C3PO humor.

So, most of the action has fuck all to do with the actual story, which adds to this movie’s terribly slow pacing and makes it feel like you’re slogging through misery with little to no payoff in return. Well then, what about the actual story? Is that any good? Well, we established earlier that the two halves of this film’s story are the romance, and the mystery, which… yeah, it butchered both. And ironically, despite what you may initially think, it handled the mystery angle far worse.

But yes, the romance still fucking sucks.

THE ROMANCE SUCKS (But It Didn’t Have To):

Ah… sand. Anakin talking about sand. Fuck you, dick, I like sand. It’s vast, all-consuming, and good for hiding bodies. But real talk, it’s so easy to make fun of the romance in this movie… as you can probably tell from the dank memes. Robot Chicken Anakin and Padme.

Yeah, on the surface, it really feels like this is a 12 year old boy’s conception of what falling in love is like… actually, scratch that, it feels like how a sexual predator views romance. Anakin’s creepy face. It also does not help that after Anakin commits a genocide, Padme essentially just kinda… brushes it off. Doesn’t think to suggest getting Ani therapy; doesn’t really comment on it. It’s just kinda… ignored. Which… actually kinda helps in the perspective that their relationship is… ya know, toxic. Anakin choking Padme. (Revenge of the Sith)

But that would honestly jive a lot better if their romance didn’t feel so rushed and… awkward. Them kissing. Padme going “No.” Honestly, the best scenes of these two are when they’re… ya know, talking. Even when Anakin is kinda lowkey advocating for a dictatorship, not only does it get across that his lack of understanding of how government works but powerful contempt and knowledge something is wrong is what later adds to his fall to darkness (Which actually is a thing that happens quite a lot in our world), but it’s also where these two learn about each other and… ya know, bond. Like human people. Instead of weird shit like, Anakin’s weird fireplace dialogue.

And the reason the romance feels so rushed in its first half is because… well, it’s legitimately been butchered. Among this movie’s deleted scenes are Anakin’s nightmare during his and Padme’s ride to Naboo, an extended version of their arrival there, a dinner scene where we meet Padme’s family, and a scene in Padme’s bedroom where they talk about sexy things, like… uncounted innocent children dying during her time in, essentially, the space peace corps. “They all died.”

But what’s common across these scenes is that they all feature Anakin and Padme, ya know, interacting. Talking. Sharing experiences and perspectives. They help to rekindle their connection and establish a legitimate bond between them, which is absolutely necessary buildup for any good romance. Without that buildup, a romance feels unearned, forced, and… honestly, kinda creepy in its, what readers and authors call, insta-love… iness. Instaloveiness, yes.

The family and bedroom scenes being cut especially bothers me because they help to emphasize Padme’s devotion to the people and her close relationship with her family. They let us see her as a three dimensional character: a strong woman with vulnerabilities and regrets; who is strategic and chooses her words and actions carefully, but not cold hearted. Rather than just… ya know, a dumb damsel. Padme being a damsel in factory scene.

So then, why the hell were these cut? I don’t know of an official answer, though I think the safe bet is that Lucas thought little boys wanted to skip all that “boring talking” and get right to the face sucking by the fireplace. That, and also we needed more time for big dumb bloated action scenes, and something had to get axed, so… goodbye, some of the few truly good scenes of the movie, and hello… Obi-Wan getting blown back. Wow, I’m so glad we got rid of those scenes of Padme and Anakin bonding and building up their romance for… this. Thanks, I fucking hate it.

So, the romance is a flop because most of its buildup got cut, and without that, everything else that would’ve been at least acceptable, knowing the follies of both characters coming to a head as Anakin turns to the dark side, now feels super rushed. What about… the mystery?

Ah yes, the Mystery of the Clones… ya know what, that would’ve been a better, more accurate title for this trash fire movie.

WHAT FUCKING CLONES?:

The first mention of the clone army, at the center of this mystery, is right here… Mention of the clone army. 43 minutes in. The main mystery of this nearly two-and-a-half-hour monster is introduced about 30% of the way through, which… ya know, I guess is fine. That leaves a lot of movie left to explore their origins, and so long as we have a decent enough lead-in, we should be invested enough to stay awake til then. So… what’s our lead-in?

Well, according to yon opening text crawl, Count Dooku is leading a secession of planets from the Galactic Republic, and Padme’s like, “Yo, fam, that dude is tryin’ to kill me,” but the Jedi is like “NAH, Dooku? He’s chill, gurl, calm down.” So, cool, we’ve got a potential enemy leading an opposing political movement with decent enough motivation to take out a vocal supporter of the Republic, and enemy of the trade federation, who… let’s be real, they’re ALWAYS up to no good.

The issue is that Dooku’s reason for leaving the Jedi Order would naturally serve as the narrative for his current actions that are directly threatening Padme’s life. But for most of the movie’s first half, Dooku is hardly mentioned, and when he is, they’re in vacuums about how many star systems he’s got under his belt, or that he was some enlightened free thinker who was all like, “FACTS OVER FEELS, BITCHES.” There’s no real story we’re told of who Dooku was and why he left. We’re essentially just given vague ideas and breadcrumbs, and… let’s be real, who in the hell is gonna be invested in the story of Dooku from just those?

And that’s actually part of a big problem with this movie: Dooku, the Separatists, Palpatine, and fuck, even the goddamn clone army—the thing that GAVE this movie its name—hardly have any real presence, especially in the first half. There are no real hooks to engage the audience until we get to Geonosis, and then we have everything thrown at us at once like we were actively trying to unravel this mystery all along. No. No we weren’t. Y'all strung us alone for over a fucking hour and a half on nothing but crumbs.

We have little moments of mystery within the broader strokes of this film’s plot; things like, “Oh, this dart’s from a hidden planet called Kamino, what’s that about?” Or, “Hey, this army was commissioned by a Jedi named Sifo-Dyas without the Order’s knowledge, that seems weird.” But we never learn about how Sifo-Dyas first disobeyed the Order to commission the army in secret, or how he was killed, and how Dooku, a.k.a. Lord Tyranus, tried to use this plan for his own gains. I legit had to look all this information up on the wikis because the movie just refused to share any of this. Fuck, any real intrigue about Dooku or the Separatists isn't even present while we worry over who's after Padme, and instead we’re given… Obi-Wan knocked back. Thanks, I hate it. Sheesh, they're more quick to inexplicably catch onto death worms than the actual mystery. "I sense it too!"

This “mystery” may indeed be half of this movie’s core story, but the film has no interest in trying to properly build and executive that mystery. Fuck, I know what I said earlier, but I gotta admit, I’m not even entirely sure it’s aware of it’s a mystery, because it’s so unreasonably uninterested in stringing the audience along without seeming like it’s doing it by accident. If we spent more time fleshing out the stories of Count Dooku and Sifo-Dyas, then maybe, just maybe, we could rightfully call this movie The Mystery of the Clones, but instead, we get Episode 2: Attack of the Goddamn Pointless Bloated Action Sequences! “Death, I feel.” I was gonna use Obi-Wan getting exploded again, but I decided to show y’all mercy.

CONCLUSION & OUTRO:

Maybe the prequel trilogy just isn’t up your alley. Maybe you can’t look past the bad CGI, get over Hayden Christensen’s awful acting or… creepy stalker smiles, or you really can’t stomach the dense, overly complicated political storylines. Ya know what, I may not find the CGI to be that big of a problem, and I might actually enjoy these stories, but I respect they aren’t your thing. That’s cool, you do you. But for the record, good lord, I agree on Hayden. Anakin bad acting. Though to be fair, this might just be bad direction, so like… place the blame on the right people, please.

But to me, Attack of the Clones is the only Star Wars movie I actively dislike watching. It ignores the great storylines in its lap, throws one of them into the dumpster, butchers the other, and then bundles what mangled bits are left in a string of dumb, pointless action sequences. Thanks… I hate it. And it is for these reasons that Attack of the Clones… is just the worst Star Wars movie. Ever.

Some might say the Clone Wars movie is worse, but that’s not even really a movie. It’s a bunch of episodes spliced together and thrown into theaters where they don’t belong, but even in that context, at least I’d enjoy the characters enough to not wanna spontaneously combust. “If you are suffering as much as I am, please tell me.”