Night by Night (part 1)

Consciousness came slowly, and as always, she tried to cling to the edge of sleep by keeping her eyes solidly shut. She felt like hell- whatever she’d been out doing last night, she was paying for it now. She was contorted in an especially hellish sleeping position that she just knew was going to fuck up her neck and back all day. Her mouth tasted awful, like a badger had died in it. Her eyes burned, even though they were closed. Going back to sleep was probably the best thing she could do.

She lay still in the hopes that her body would get the message, but the pain behind her eyes was spreading out to her sinuses, and her fingers and toes were feeling frozen.

The bite in the air could only mean one thing- it had snowed overnight through her open window. 

Hazy and feeling stupid even as she did it, Nadia stuck out her tongue for the snowflakes that were undoubtedly falling outside. 

A speck of cold landed on her tongue and melted away.

Uh. That couldn’t be right. Maybe the wind was blowing snowflakes into her apartment? Or her suffering brain was just making faulty connections. She grabbed for the covers to pull her blankets over her head. If she was warm, she’d probably pass back out immediately and go back to her sleep of the dead and disorderly.

There weren’t any on her body. Nadia thrashed around her body, trying to find where the damn blankets had gone. She must have kicked them off the bed again.

Her hand hit something freezing cold and soft. She grabbed at it, pulled it close to her face, and slightly opened her eyes. 

It was snow. Nadia opened her hand and let it fall on her chest. 

She needed to open her eyes- but damn, did they ever burn. ‘I don’t wanna…’ she tried to whine, but it came out as a throaty wet gurgle. 

That was scary- was she sick? Where was she?

She opened her eyes, and tried to groan at the pain. She was rewarded with more gurgling. 

Then her eyes adjusted to the dim light- she was outside. In some snow-covered trees somewhere- but she didn’t do nature, why did she come here?

Colors were starting to stand out in the early morning light- the green of the trees, some dirty footprints from joggers or hunters or something- and dark red indents in the snow. Aching eyes followed them and their accompanying footprints for a few feet, but there were too many trees and bushes to see much farther. 

She blinked, hard. And realized her hands were tacky, fingers sticking together and to her palms. 

“I don’t understand,” she tried to cry, but all that came out was more awful sounds. Her throat sounded like a goopy garbage disposal. Something caught in her throat, making her eyes tear up. 

She hacked and coughed, tears streaming down her face. Everything hurt, and she could barely move, even though her body was being controlled by her natural reaction in her throat. The lump in her throat moved up. She convulsed, weakly. It finally finally propelled out into her mouth and she opened her lips to let it out. 

A big, congealed blob of blood slid out slowly and plopped right onto her neck. 

She screamed- luckily this time, sounds came out. 

Nadia would have been gratified to hear it echo- or for something to move, even- but it felt like the cold, cold air just swallowed up her screams.

She kept screaming anyway.

Things were hazy- she vaguely recalled EMTs, lots of screaming (probably hers), and a dizzying ride. The doctors sped around her bed, white coats and all shades of scrubs flashing past the edges of her admittedly dim vision. She knew they weren’t being loud, but every noise however small sounded like elephants stomping around between her ears. The intense headaches made her feel nauseous- but they wouldn’t stop, no matter how much she complained. 

They weren’t concerned about being quiet at all, but frankly she was too tired to listen. She just wanted it all to stop. 

They weren’t even listening! The nurses and assistants and doctors all sped away from her questions. She was cold and tired and covered in blood and no one would even grab her a blanket. Her arms hurt- there were needles and straps and so many bags all over. She felt and probably looked like a pile of medical waste.

“Please,” she pleaded with an unfeeling person behind a mask, “I’m so cold, I don’t feel good.”

“Okay,” they said, holding up a plastic cup to her mouth and nose, “Just breathe in. It’s going to be ok.”

She didn’t feel heard, but they seemed trustworthy for a faceless person. So she took a deep breath in. And out. In. Out. In… 

She woke up alone again in darkness.

The nurses came by at all hours, changing out her many mysterious bags. They cautioned her not to talk because her throat was hurt in the attack- whatever that was.

The worst part was, she just didn’t know what had happened. Why was she there? What had happened to her? Why was her throat cut up in the middle of a park somewhere?

They didn’t even seem to know her name- she couldn’t talk at all, and she’d been found basically naked without any form of ID. 

A few maybe days later, she guessed the police had figured out who she was. The reason being that her parents were collapsed on the uncomfortable looking hospital couch in her room. They must have driven (or flown) hours to come here from home. 

The thing that stuck out to her about everything right now was that time seemed out of place. She felt out of sync- just following directions from doctors, constant appointments, how being outside made her body feel like it was on fire. The moments inside ‘safe’ areas were getting shifted out of perspective- and every second outside felt like a million years on the surface of the sun. 

Nobody knew anything- what had happened to her, how she got there, why she was suddenly so sick. They ran test after test, drawing blood that had somehow always gone weird? Somehow, tsking over her low vitals. 

The best she could understand was that there was a complication or something since she’d nearly bled out. They suspected an infection, a virus, a latent disease hidden somewhere in her DNA. In any case, she wasn’t matching up to any diseases they knew of. She met some symptoms and not others- her newfound allergies seemed to be neverending. 

She was constantly exhausted. The only brief reprieve was when the home nurse would set up a new cycle of blood transfusion. Her heart was beating too slowly to keep hers fresh, and she’d lost so much. 

The hotel room was quiet- she’d drawn the curtains earlier to quell her headache. Mom and Dad were staying with Grandma Lita and helping her out. 

So Nadia was alone. The lack of company or exposure to the outside world was only making her time disorientation worse. 

She flipped through the channels on the hotel TV, feeling restless and utterly sapped of energy. 

Food shows? Ugh. No. Food made her sick right now. Even just thinking about it made bile rise in her stomach. Cartoons were too loud, color and volume wise. The weather channel didn’t sound interesting, either. Not a real choice. Ew, infomercials. 

She settled for a rerun of an old sitcom, letting the familiar sounds of manufactured light drama fill the otherwise dismal and dark room. 

Episode after episode went by, the jokes and easy storylines blending together in a pleasant haze. Nadia may or may not have drifted off a few times, but couldn’t honestly tell. When the parade of reruns gave way to a morning news show, it occurred to her that she should probably try to go back to bed. 

***

A knock on the door and the soft beep of the key card unlocking the door registered just enough to rouse Nadia. She shifted to watch the door with one sleepy eye, but otherwise didn’t feel like moving at all.

The door opened, and her mother stepped into the room. She was carrying some bags- which was interesting, what was in them?

“Hey, honey,” Mom called softly, obviously trying to be considerate. “I know it’s early, but you have another specialist appointment.”

Nadia groaned into the hotel pillow. It was so fluffy. And warm. “But whyyyy,” she whined pitifully, “They never find anything.”

Mom gave her a stern look that probably would have been devastating, were she not trying to be sympathetic. “That’s exactly why.” She quipped, walking further into the room to drop the many interesting bags on the floor by Nadia’s bed. “So you need to get up and get dressed- these are some of the things the doctor recommended for you to try when you go outside.”

Oh. Medical equipment? Gross. 

“That’s kind of a crappy surprise.” Nadia sat up slowly and stared at the now offensive bags that were once so filled with promise. “What is it- like a hazmat suit? Do I have to look like an astronaut to go outside, now?”

Mom laughed, damn her. “Complete with the diaper? Maybe.”

“Come on, Mom,” Nadia got off the bed and swiped up one of the bags to peer inside. “It’s pointless.”

“Only if that’s how you want to live.” Mom said, suddenly more serious. “I know this is hard on you, but you’re the one who has to decide how you want to do this.”

Nadia didn’t answer, because the statement didn’t require one and frankly she didn’t want to think about any of it. It was difficult enough to live with all of it. She didn’t want to have to deal with anything else. 

Instead, she dumped out the bag she was holding onto the bed. She was acting childish and even whinier than usual, but if there was ever a time that was ok, this was it. She’d nearly died and everything still hurt, she couldn’t go outside without pain, light gave her headaches, and her blood was practically sludge. 

Nadia was making full use of her bitching privileges for at least another month. After that, she was going to play it by ear. 

Being outside was slightly better, but STILL made her want to scream. Nadia whimpered and whined constantly from the door of the hotel and even during the car ride- why was everything outside so gross?

The morning wasn’t hot but it was so damn bright- somebody should tell the sun to tone that shit down. 

Mom just kept driving as Nadia writhed in pain in the backseat under layers of protective clothing. They weaved in and out of traffic- the shifting plus the constant pain was starting to make her nauseous. 

When they arrived at yet another allergy experts’ office, Nadia just took off running to get inside and away from the doors and windows. It was still too bright for her overworked eyes, but at least it didn’t make her body feel like it was on fire anymore.