(Untitled) Work in Progress + a messy diary entry about ~gender~

I originally began this piece with the intention of there being two parts. This was Part I and its focus was "forced femininity". I wanted to portray an old "me" (and at times, a "me" that lurks back). A 'me' that was limiting themselves to the binary. A 'me' that was unhappy and dysphoric. A 'me' that never felt okay with being one side of the binary. Since I was raised in such a black and white world, I thought that's all there was. I had to be feminine. I had to be a girl, I had to be a young lady, I had to be a woman and hold myself accordingly to appease those around me. My natural appearance and body type is extremely feminine, so after I grew into my body, I could no longer wear anything without an extremely femme appearance. I hated this, and I didn't even really know that I hated it yet. Because, I was beautiful to society. And we live in a world where this gives you happiness. But happiness from the satisfaction of others is so temporary, and so unfulfilling. I was quickly back to where I started, only now I had created and worked at a false persona that I wanted to rip away at, I wanted to dismantle that version of me, that version of me I had only made to satisfy everyone but myself.

Was it okay to feel this way? To feel like one gender does not encompass my entirety? To feel like any singular label at all does not fully encompass who I am? After I moved to Chicago and lived there for a couple years, I finally had surrounded myself with people who were understanding. Not only understanding of these topics but they related in the sense of being fucking confused when it comes to identity. My friends were pretty much all people who had, at one point or several, questioned their identities. I cannot even begin to describe the relief this gave me. "Holy shit, that's how I feel!" I had also altered my consumption of art to be from artists of all identities, all cultures, all backgrounds, etc. This expanded my mind even more to grow more understanding with others, which circled back to growing more understanding of myself. I read a book and I still remember reading the line "I was excessively afraid of being defined as a woman.. before I was seen as myself". I reread it over and over. But, even after my surroundings had completely flipped, I was still scared to be and accept my true self. I had to dismantle over 18 years of binary conditioning. I had to dismantle everything I had been raised to believe about myself, and everything false I had molded. But, it's almost impossible to differentiate what IS you and what was a part of you that was created to satisfy or survive? To this day, I don't really know completely.

But, I have learned to study myself and who I am in the truest of lights, without judgment. I am definitely not a woman, or a girl. I am not a boy nor a man. I am not just femme, or masc, not even "in the middle". I am both and neither. All and nothing. I have stripped of the exclusively feminine look and identity, and I am no longer hiding behind a false persona. I am just, me. Or at least I try to be. • Part II will convey this. I will be in a more open position, more vulnerable. My major features will no longer be hiding behind a feminine form (the peonies and roses). There will be flowers of all kinds and all colors. I will look much more at peace. But, there will still be a single rose, poking at me, to symbolize that I am never totally secure or sure of my identity, as much as I wish I could be.