PATREON EXCLUSIVE: Why Are Women So Obsessed With Shopping?

You are so spot on again! But I discovered that I'm the worst kind of female :'D! - I buy video games, stuff that makes our life easier (I'm a big fan of home automation) or my husband's life better (computer parts) but I also buy feminine stuff: tons of make up and hair accessories which I forget to use later :D - I want to flex my own achievements because I work really hard but I also want to show everyone how desired partner I am I also have the self-awareness that I can get addicted to shopping (I think it comes from my evolutionary gathering instincts) and gambling easily so my solution was: - Starting to by stocks and crypto instead -> I have to spend a lot of times reading news and data to find good deals and also have an adrenalin rush when I find a good deal, also at the end I will have more and not less money -> I can also flex with it - I started a webshop so I can hunt good items which I can sell effectively - Gambling: playing games which have chance based drops for example Genshin Impact, Diablo, WoW, Lootboxes in Overwatch, etc. with strict limits how much I can spend on a game. I also need to have my partner gift me things frequently. The price of the gift doesn't matter because I'm a software engineer and have a lot of money so I can buy anything I need or want. A flower, a chocolate, good coffee, anything small, an ingame item or help in a game is fine by me, but I want some "tangible" proof that my husband is still invested in me.

Liandra

Enjoyed that! Thankyou.

I like how Alex explains this from a female perspective but using male language. It almost makes shopping seem logical... almost.

Steven

Shopping brings you lots of new stuff and this should normally be a joy to get that, but not for men as you and me. I do not enjoy shopping and most men don't, but that should be the question: Why don't we enjoy shopping and prefer working? We are the ones, that act unexpectable. Instead we should question ourselves in this particular point. Is something wrong with us?

Shopping is literally ‘gathering’

Oliver

I do like shopping, but not for myself.  And when I do so for myself, I usually go to second hand stores, or bargain department stores. I know how to be frugal.  Plus somewhere along the way in my childhood development I came to believe that spending money on yourself was selfish and irresponsible. So if I spent money on something that wasn't a necessity or wasn't cheap, I felt guilty. What I like to do is spend money on other people.  I put a ton of thought and preparation into what I'm going to give someone as a gift.  I make sure I use all my knowledge of that person to find something they would appreciate. Even if I don't buy something, sometimes I'll give a homemade gift.  But it's the matching of the gift to the person is what's important to me. Because the thoughtfulness is what tells them 'look how much you mean to me that I put so much effort into this'. So yes, I enjoy shopping and looking for just the right thing for the recipient.  I disagree that women buy things to make it look like a man bought it for them.  I don't know a single woman in my life who has ever come to me and said 'look what my boyfriend bought me!' The women I know are very proud of their accomplishments and those that shop for themselves feel very satisfied when they look at their favorite object and can say 'I bought that, with my own money, that I earned'. I don't feel as guilty anymore about spending money on myself because of my daughter. She is so fun to shop with! Even when she was small she was very tolerant of long shopping trips to multiple stores. But now that she's older, I actually have time to myself, and to think about myself, once in a while. So sometimes I will buy myself something because I think I've earned it.

Jennifer Coopman

I think that people with feminine personalities gain most of their validation through attention and gifts. For reasons that I think you explained very well here, they seek "having things" over "doing things". Acquisition feels like love (at least for at little while). Unfortunately, this orientation toward validation is also more or less the definition of Materialism. We sometimes like to whitewash ugly issues like this with euphemisms like "love language" or "self expression", but I can't think of a more salient obstacle for people's individual happiness and relationships. I think you were much closer to the mark when you cited addiction as the motivation; addiction to validation to soothe a malignant self-esteem. If you really pull back the covers, I think you'll find that poor self-esteem is always cause emotional reactivity and bad behavior. And sadly - or deliberately, depending on you theism - every person who comes here is saddled with poor self-esteem. This "shopping" is merely another expression of desperate people trying to prove to themselves that they're worth something. Sadly for them (but awesome for retailers), the efficacy of the "proof" only lasts a few seconds, then they need another hit.

Alisha, yes, I’ve always hated it. I’m sure some of it comes from my mom who also hates it. Some of it comes from my stepmom who loved shopping - and I had issues with her as a kid. Some of it comes from my personality type - because I don’t like the superficiality of materialism. I also don’t like clutter - it feels suffocating. Some of it comes from practicality - I hate cleaning - and the less crap you have, the easier it is to keep clean. Also, I’ve moved so many times in my life it really drives home what a PIA it is to have a lot of stuff. Some of the best feelings in the world to me are throwing out stuff that made it’s way to die in closets and drawers. Some of it comes from other family related stuff - grandparents who died young and the drama that ensued when family members fought and stressed over all the junk left behind. Growing up not having much money and learning to appreciate what you have and not the quantity of stuff you have. Then there is the knowledge that people fill their homes and closets and most of it fades into the background. The knowledge that “having stuff” can be a constant addiction people have to feed and I don’t want any part of that. Plus, I am a simple girl with simple pleasures. I love reading and video games and hanging out with my husband and dog. So, I suppose the caveat to the shopping thing is the number of books and games I have. 😆 But, that’s not usually what people mean when they talk about shopping. PS - always love how you try to understand. Looked at your personality type and it definitely shows in practice 🤗

I love shopping ngl 😅 Why do you hate it so much? Have you always felt that way? xxx

Alisha

This is fascinating. I have to say that throughout my life I’ve always felt very dissociated from most other women for a few key reasons, including the fact that I never wanted children and that I HATE shopping. I’ve always felt a sense of dread whenever it comes up as a topic. Maybe understanding this will help mitigate that dread and annoyance. 🤔

Yeah, this is pretty much spot on Alexander, as always your empathy shocks me. The only thing I have that I am confused about (for myself, not because of you) is the fact I struggle to enjoy things I haven't earned myself. I am funny about people paying for my dinner or giving me things in general (even my own partner). I have actually had to train myself mentally to be okay with getting things from people. Recently there was a financial mess up where I lost money as I was made to isolate as a colleague of mine had covid. My work wouldn't pay me despite following the rules. My parents knew about it as my mum works for the same company and that I'd be losing out on money and they decided to give me the amount I would have lost (which is so lovely of them and I appreciate them so much) but I haven't been able to spend it because it makes me feel guilty. I have some weird mental block where I can't enjoy spending it. I told my parents this and my mum was saying I was acting like a man because my dad is like that (which I never knew). The anticipation of shopping is a lot like masturbation tbh, good analogy. The feeling of surrounding yourself with beautiful things does give a woman a feeling of fulfillment and for me growing up in poverty I also feel safe now that I have furniture and things that aren't broken. The appearance stuff is true too although some women go more overboard than others xxx

Alisha

This got me to reminiscing about a book I once had that contained journal entries from the Lewis and Clark Expedition. I recall in it how several times they documented how the men had failed to be successful with their hunt and it was Sackajawea’s wild gatherings that kept them alive. This was probably the norm through most of our human past I would guess.

Todd McDaniels

Joshua, I agree with you.  Where I come from, hundreds of years ago, the women were largely responsible for making the household tools, clothes, and other necessities of daily life.  So the more skill you had at making that stuff, the nicer those items were, and the better people thought of you. So in an age of manufacturing and consumerism where women don't need to make that stuff anymore, buying it must serve that purpose.

Jennifer Coopman

@Alexander. I’m surprised you overlooked the number one explanation I give for it. From the standpoint of evolutionary psychology, women’s standard role in a hunter/gatherer society was as the gatherer. They picked the berries and wild edibles while the men hunted. This role I would presume extended back to pre-human times, well long enough to become an instinctual predisposition in females. Real skill and knowledge would have been needed to locate and identify the best and safest wild edibles, so the women who enjoyed and thrived the most on the search would be better selected for survival. And to close the loop, I think women’s compulsion to shop is an extension of their innate predisposition to gather wild edibles. Then too this surely all converges with things you discussed as well, such as like how a woman derives proof of value and status in the sexual marketplace from male financial support.

Todd McDaniels

Personally I think women love shopping because throughout history women would be tidying up the home while men were out hunting. Women were left feeling satiated by aesthetically pleasing things in order to impress men and other women. For instance, their instinct for materialism developed as they would search for valuable items in the wild, gather the best berries, making sure shelter was in order by obtaining necessary goods, making sure they themselves looked great which involved getting/making nice clothes. It all evolves around image and practical necessity.